Don't know where I stand....help!

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a situation with a guy and I'm not quite sure what to do, so I'm going to tell the story from the beginning and hopefully I'll be able to get some outside opinions on it. About 6 months ago I met this guy in question through a mutual friend. I was attracted to him straight away, I thought he was gorgeous, and when we started talking we got on well and after a couple of days texting and all that, he asked me to the cinema with him. I agreed, and we went. After the movie things got pretty hot and heavy, and although we didn't have sex that night, we did get quite intimate. The next time we met, we ended up having sex, and ever since then we've pretty much been doing just that - going to dinner or a movie, and then going back to one of our places and having sex. I know that by reading this people might think i'm a bit easy but before him I only had one sexual partner and I don't take sex lightly, but my problem is that I've grown feelings for the guy, and it feels like sex is the only thing to do where he is focused on just me. After a few months of just sleeping together I asked the inevitable "where is this going?" question, only to be completely brushed off. He wouldn't even talk about it with me, he'd just refuse to talk about it, change the subject, and things would go back to the way that they always were. I eventually got sick of it and thought that maybe it's just me he's not interested in but doesn't know how to end it, so I said it straight to him that we can finish this now if he wants to, but then he said no, he really didn't want to. Once again, things slipped back to the way that they were, and after another while, I told him how I was feeling again, but he still just ignored me. I don't know what to do here - I do have feelings for the guy, but it really seems like I'm wasting my time. I don't know if he's just not ready for commitment, or whether it's me? Sorry I ranted on for so long in this post, but I really need a fresh opinion on the situation.

Wibbs

If it was just sex and that's what both wanted, then cool, but you clearly want more. You're sailing close to the female equivalent of the friendzone, the shagzone. Both stem from the same basic thing, but the symptoms are different. Both stem from the other person wanting a particular part of a male female relationship without the commitment and responsibility of a proper relationship.

So in friendzone a woman gets the emotional support and friendship, but doesn't get the messy sexual side with someone she doesn't fancy as a long term prospect. In shagzone the man gets the sexual stuff on a plate, but doesn't get the messy emotional side with someone he doesn't fancy as a long term prospect.

The advice I'd give a guy is don't offer too much of a shoulder to cry on until other parts of the anatomy are in play with someone you want a relationship with. I'd say the opposite to a woman in that position, don't offer other parts until there's also a shoulder to cry on. Other wise you're likely to get hurt.

Ask him again where this is going. If you don't get a good answer, then leave.

melon_collie

+1 Try asking him again and if he's not interested then dont waste any more of your time. You deserve better.

MIN2511

tbh this story is very familiar...

I agree with Wibbs about the friendzone or more accurately "friends with benefits"
You want more he wont offer you more? You need to DETACH yourself, i know it's not easy but it's something you need to do.

Then again, some people are scared of commitments, is he seeing other people? At the start of the "relationship" did you define what you wanted from each other?

Wibbs

I think there's going to be a consensus on this. I'll say this much, "fear of commitment" that you hear about, especially from guys is nearly always explained as they may fancy you, but they don't fancy you enough.

I've known major commitment phobic guys, that went through a fair few women until they met one that they wanted to commit to. Then there was engagement rings being thrown about a few months in. Trust me they'll get all commited when they really want it.

It's the old story, "I don't want a relationship right now" can usually but not always be translated into, "I don't want a relationship with you, right now". In your case with the add on of "is it ok if we get jiggy with it in the interim, until I make up my mind or meet someone I do want to hang on to?" There are no hard and fast rules with relationships, but 9 times outa 10, in cases like this, that's what's happening.

MJOR

I am with wibbs on this. I did that for a long time with a guy and really he was messing me around.

Wibbs is also right on the money when he says that when a guy says "I don't want a relationship right now" he really means that he wants a fu€k buddy.

On some level reading your post was like something I'd have written at the time. I'd never seen myself as a very sexual person and I wasn't ready for a relationship either. When It materialised that I developed feelings I was just his plaything.

Open your heart to someone that deserves it

All the best x

STUBBORNGIRL

MJOR wrote: »

I am with wibbs on this. I did that for a long time with a guy and really he was messing me around.

Wibbs is also right on the money when he says that when a guy says "I don't want a relationship right now" he really means that he wants a fu€k buddy.

Open your heart to someone that deserves it

All the best x

Op i feel like we are dating the same guy! Well were dating i should say! i am finished with him now!

There is nothing more degrading that being used by a guy for sex. I would definitely say it would be fine if both of you just were in it for the sex but to be honest sooner or later most women start to get emotionally attached (and from your mail is sounds like you have) and that is the time to walk away. From personal experience, when a guy says he will change he never does.. you just need to find the strength inside to move on! Sorry if that sounds harsh and you are probably cursing me for saying it like that ( God knows i have been angry at my friends for telling me to get rid). You need to just decide you are not going to be used like this and move on! And unfortunately until you can tear away from this hold he has on you, you are going to miss out on all the nice guys that are coming in your direction.

Set yourself free and do what is right - by the sound of your mail you know that you are doing wrong so for the sake of sex let go and find someone who wants to be with you for who you are and not just what you are in the bedroom.

If you do nothing else with these responses then please listen to Wibbs - he gives great advice, you just have to read over advice he has given to others, to know that he talks sense!

Good luck for the future, im sure you will make the right choice.

taidghbaby

if you do give him an ultimatum just be wary if he does suddenly decide that he wants....

us fellas tend to become very interested in things we cant have!!

a few months down the line you could be back to square one, or worse!!

Aurora Borealis

taidghbaby wrote: »

us fellas tend to become very interested in things we cant have!!

Sadly this is very true and to my mind smacks of immaturity if you can’t realise what it is you want until it looks like you can’t have it..

The minute you stop being readily available more often than not the guy will resurface. Happens time and time again. Up to you if you want someone who only wants you when they think they can’t have you. Certainly wouldn’t make me feel very good about myself, nor would I want to resort to game-playing in the affairs of the heart but it would appear they’re the games you have to play if you want this kind of guy.

My honest advice. Move on. You’ll meet someone who wants you purely for you not because they just want a shag or are scared your interest might be waning, it’s egotistical to say the least..

Idbatterim

hey wibbs, when the chat show due? Dr Wibbs I can see it now! on afternoon tv on tv3! But seriously your female equivalent of the friendzone being the shagzone is so simple, yet so genius and true!

Karen_*

Op you know exactly where you stand with this guy. Of course he doesn't want you to finish with him. He's getting all the perks of a relationship without any of the commitment. Its all or nothing. All for him and nothing for you.

And of course he's nice to you some of the time. Its in his interest to be nice. But he's emotionally unavailable. And probably will always be. Break up with him and at least have the boost to your confidence of having done that. Don't waste any more time on him. There's someone out there for you and you're not going to meet him stuck with loser are you? Make a rule for yourself going forward that if a guy is emotionally unavailable then you are unavailabe in every sense of the word.

RedXIV

You starting to see the trend here OP?

He got loads of action,

you said you wanted more, he brushed it off

he got more action

You said we can end this now, he said no

more action.

He hasn't had to do much for what he wants here. I realise the above is a very blunt abbreviation of your story but thats what came across to me.
If you say you're going to end something, don't back out of it, it makes you look like a walkover.

Give him the ultimatium if you still want to be with him, and more importantly, follow through on it!

Best of luck OP

Red

Nevyn

I am only going to say this once will ye quit with the posting in black font there are people me include that use black background skins for a various reasons ( makes it easier to read personally due to dyslexia ) and really picking a black font which is the default just screws things up.

Idbatterim if you want to post fanmail to wibbs do it via pm as it is off topic and
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies, everybody is right. I think that I've been stupid sticking around for so long, but it was always in the back of my mind that maybe he'll change, which is clear now that he won't. As well, someone mentioned that I couldn't see other nice guys around me because of this one, I totally agree because that has already happened twice since this has been going on. Two really nice, decent lads were showing interest, and I ignored it because I was so wrapped up with the loser. I do deserve better, no woman should be treated like that by a man, so I'm going to get out of it now. I think i knew that all along tbh, but it's only when you see it written on the screen in front of you that it really hits home. Wibbs you're absolutely right in saying that unfortunately, he's not a comittment phobe in general, he just doesn't want to commit to me, which I realised a long time ago but tried to block out. I'm definitely going to end things now, thanks again for all the advice x

tbh

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Well done. Welcome to the rest of your life. I'll think you're going to like it

Talliesin

You can do the just-sex thing, the building-a-life-together thing, the seeing-where-it-goes thing, the mostly-friends-but-we-do-shag-each-other-sometimes thing, the mostly-just-like-each-others-company thing and a whole lot more.

What you can't do is doing one when the other person is doing another.

If you are on different pages, it's generally time to close the book.