best friend

loismustdie

my best friend is being a bit needy at the moment. we have different lives, i have a child and boyfriend, she has no responsibilities and so even though we have in the past spent a lot of time hangin out lately ive been nstandin back and spendin more time with my son and boyfriend cos i feel its more quality time when it's just us. fittin in work, chillin with boyfriend and housework leaves less time and now she feels she is the one to do all the running. maybe this is true but its because i dont think we should have to see each other everyday. anyone any opinions on which one of us is right or wrong? i love her to bits she's my best friend and dont want to lose her, whick=h is why im lookin for advice on how to be tactful or tell me im bein selfish and to make time for her?
thanks a mil x

metamorphic

leave her with the child for half an hour, that should be an eye opener in itself. or ask her to feed him/her or change it's nappy.

I've a niece and it's a real eye opener to see what goes into looking after a baby/child. If that doesn't supply her with enough of a clue then you'll have to be blunt.

tbh if she expects to see you everyday she's being very unreasonable.

2ndly, find her a boyfriend

do you mind telling us what ages you are? (from a maturity perspective, I'm not offering to take one for the team as her bf.)

loismustdie

we're both 24. thank a mil for prompt reply. we are both very headstrong so that's why i need help, to make sure im not the disillusioned one. my baby is really good but still requires food, wash, creams(he has exzema) and play so that wont really show her anything unfortunatley, plus she would gladly mind him and has done in the past, she is a BRILLIANT friend but just requires too much attention than i can give

LadyE

If your friend is going thru a hard time at the moment (why is she needy)...then be there for her! Thats what friends do!?

Invite her around for a cuppa when the baby is in bed or something!

I do think you are being hard on her..ok,,,, everyday isnt ideal...but is it really everyday? Everyday is quite excessive!

If it is..just be honest, say that you have loads to do and wont be able to give her your attention and ask is everything ok..theres no need to be a bitch about it, just be honest

who's yer one?

how often is she looking to see you? if she's complaining that you don't see each other every day (and you used to) and she doesn't get that you have more responsibilities, i can see your point.
However, i've had friends have babies and get boyfriends and completely drop their friends, and make a huge deal about how much responsibiltiy a kid and a 'grown up life' is. (basically, i was made to feel like my life wasn't worth anything cos i don't have these things to deal with). If she's youre best freind, whats the problem with making time for her? you don't have to spend All your spare tiome alone with your boyfriend, and whats wrong with including her with the 2 of you now and again? i know alone time' in a couple is special, but so is time spent with your best friend. maybe your boyfriend could mind your kid for the eve and you could have a girls night or something?

Beruthiel

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B

loismustdie

sorry didnt know bout the polls,
here's the way we used to be, we both work 9 to 5 so she would pop in most days about 6 when i had just collected cal and gettin dinner ready, she would often stay for dinner and after cal goes to bed we would have a bottle of wine or watch a film and she will stay over once, maybe twice a week.

now she sent me a txt last night sayin she felt i didnt make any effort and i know exactly how yo mean bout people with kids being too important for everythin else but please believe me i dnt think im guilty of this, but that is the reason why i feel i now need to redirect my prioroties. she has agreed that im a good friend and there for her but dont have time to hang out.

BUT she phoned me this morning after we'd kinda cleared things up and agreed to talk bout it properly in person but when she phoned i told her my da was here and she hung up abruptly. now my da suffers panic attacks and doesnt respond well to people outside the family, that is why he came to visit me ( he sort of requires one of us to be with him always) and my friend knows this so would understand why now is not the time to talk.

hope this gives some insight,, thanks again for comments, it helps to see others views

WilmaRidesAgain

Hey,

I think your friend is being a little bit of a primadonna to be honest.

She needs to understand things are different when you have kids, its not a leap of understanding she will be able to make in one conversation either.

Metamorphics idea is good, but if she has minded him already and still didn't cop on then you will deffo have to reinforce your position with more words.

Anyway, this is a very difficult one and she will probably never really understand properly until she has her own kids and partner.

It sounds like she is taking your reality a bit personally which is a shame but stick like glue to your boundaries, the message will get through eventually.

And dont let guilt make you feel you are wrong, stand firm.

loismustdie

the thing that i dont get regardless, is just why not accept that im not there to drink and frolick on a regular basis, i dont expect friends to do what they cant/dont want to do, am i bein unreasonable here? but as i said i love er and wish this wasnt an issue so dont know how to be assertive without offendin?

WilmaRidesAgain

I know, its so difficult, its really perplexing when you know someone can see the spot you are in but they wont aknowledge it and do the decent thing, putting you in a position of having to spell it out.

That makes my blood boil with people to be honest, its just like they can see but they dont want to see so they pretend they dont and kind of blame you.

She hung up on you abruptly, if I was you I would leave it at that for the time being (I know she is a good friend) but think about it, she is the one blatantly being unreasonable not you. She is being sulky and a bit selfish when she knows you dont have the attention/time to give.

The only thing you can do is be a bit cool with her when she is sulky/rude, that way you get the message accross non-verbally.

Then when she is in a better mood, talk to her and tell her how sh1t it makes you feel when she behaves like this, let her know its not acceptable, tread gently though when you do tell her, like I said she is not going to get this in a day or even a week, it will take time for it to sink in with her that things have changed and you are not her "significant other" any more.

I know its so bl00dy difficult though!!!!

missmatty

To be completely honest, I think to be calling round every day for most of the evening and staying over once or twice a week is waaay over the top when you have a boyfriend and child to be going on with :eek: I would go insane if one of my friends was that needy. Is she a controlling person and just pissed off now cos you can't make as much time as you used to? Does she not have much stuff on in her own life to be doing?

I don't think you're over-reacting at all

loismustdie

thanx wilma, i think you really get what im comin for. ya see the thing is she is a bit moody anyway and thats why im startin to think its somewhat like emotional blackmail but she is great other than that so i dont want to lose her but i think you'r right. im just really soft sometimes. thanks a mil. have you been thru the same i take it?

loismustdie

miss matty, i left the first post vague but i know this never works, ya need a proper background to do advice. she can b controllin which is kinda part of why i dnt know how to handle her now, but she'd never agree. ya see the big thing here is that i want to get my point across without causin tension and fights if possibe, im so confused. she can be really sulky etc but is also the best friend you can imagine

loismustdie

but also have to add, this is not her fault only as i loved havin her round that much at the start but reality kicked in for me then, just not for her so i dont want you to think she just started this with no encouragment, i was as much to blame at the start but have sense confided in her how i feel constantly in demand, need more family time, need more me time, need more pure relaxation, more time

WilmaRidesAgain

loismustdie wrote: »

thanx wilma, i think you really get what im comin for. ya see the thing is she is a bit moody anyway and thats why im startin to think its somewhat like emotional blackmail but she is great other than that so i dont want to lose her but i think you'r right. im just really soft sometimes. thanks a mil. have you been thru the same i take it?

Not exactly this but something similar with someone who I gave and gave to and was kind but it was still never enough for them and then they would sulk and stuff when they demanded more and I explained the spot I was in. After a while it just wears you out doesnt it and it makes you resent the person cos they are making you be assertive to them and all that.....

I just think sometimes, when you are hospitable to certain people they dont want to understand that there is an end to your ability to give them such a welcome and an ear each time.

I can only say its a bit like a game of chess (cant play the real game but you know what I mean) you just move a little each time and stay as diplomatic as you can but eventually the message will go in.

Also, deffo use the "be cold" approach if she is a bit controlling because people who tend to be a bit controlling need power over you and if you are less open and friendly to them they soon learn the way to your good books is to be nice.

Anyway, all you can do is stick to your guns and hopefully she will come round. Well not come round to the house AS MUCH ha ha! you know what I mean.

MJOR

Your child should be your priority. End of story....

Explain to her that your baby needs you. You work hard to provide a life for your family. With your Dad being unwell you need to lend a hand there too.

Tell her you'll set aside one evening a week for your man to take the baby and maybe ye could head out for a pizza or something?

Also explain that she needs to ring you to see are you free for her to call.

Wurly

loismustdie wrote: »

its because i dont think we should have to see each other everyday. anyone any opinions on which one of us is right or wrong?

Hi OP. I had really good friend a good few years back. We used to out at the weekends etc and had some really great times.

Then she met A and I was thrown out with the rubbish. I tried talking to her about it but she would have preferred to 'chill' with A than meet me for a coffee.

I felt if I needed my friend to talk to, she wouldn't be there. If I fancied a few drinks, she wouldn't be there. It all depended on A.

I know you have a child too and so making time must be hard. But its not impossible. I don't think from the sounds of it that she's being needy. I think she misses you and wants her friend back. Both of you decided to hang out and call over to each other in the past. You now feel its too much but maybe she thought it was normal and thought you felt the same.

Can you not even arrange a 'girls' night every week or two and stick to it? That should iron out any problems IMO.

If you love her and don't want to lose her as much as you say, then make time for her.

Re her calling - she prob got paranoid and thought you were trying to get rid of her. She was feeling sorry for herself there alright.

loismustdie

thanx a mil guys, must apreciate all advice, i love her to bits and glad to voice a feeling and get opinions constructively. helped me realise some stuff!

mods, is there anyway this thread can be deleted now???
thanx