Girlfriend gone crazy or does she have a point

vorbis

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now.
Ironically, I was the one who was a bit moody and who could get angry over nothing at the start. After about 8 to 10 months it started to reverse itself. I'm certainly no angel but my moodiness has definitely decreased and I don't get angry over little stuff any more.

My girlfriend seems to be steadily getting worse. We've had the usual fights from time to time but the last one has just really weirded me out.

We briefly talked in June about moving in together this September. I reckoned it would probably be too soon for me but that we'd talk again about it in August. A week ago, a few friends asked me if I wanted to move in with them in September.

I said that I was open to it and I agreed to look at a few apartments with them. I told my girlfriend about this and she has been in a sulk since. We talked about us moving in together and I said that I still felt it was too soon. She equates this to mean I don't love her. Then, I got a teary voicemail off her saying she wants to break up over it!

I called her back and talked more about it. She was still upset about it but was a little calmer. What really freaks me out is that 48 hours before this she was in a great mood. She went from being really happy over a good weekend to wanting to break up in 2 days.

Presently, I'm not sure. I do love her but this behavior is too far for me. I can see why she might be upset. I can't see why she would want to break up over it or still be down about it a week later. Just looking for opinions.

Lollipops23

hmm....think its a tad unfair to accuse her of being moody for no reason!!While it was good that you recognised that it was too soon to for you to move in together, you did tell her that you'd reconsider in August. It's July now. You considered moving in with your friends before you'd given her a direct answer, it's no wonder she's upset!
Be more direct with her in future.

Also, she was upset by this incident, just because she was in a good mood 2 days ago, doesn't mean she's not allowed get annoyed/upset about genuine reasons at any point in the near future!!

Tar.Aldarion

You are perfectly entitled to feel it is too soon, she should realise this. She may have been upset(for a short while) and I don't think she should be blamed for that or anything but threatening to break up is a bit over the top, or crazy as you put it.

Wurly

Ok, this is what she's thinking IMO.

She took that you not being ready to move in as not ready to move in with anyone.

So when you had a look around with your friends, she felt rejected.

Her saying she wants to break up is a test. She wants you to grovel to 'prove your love' so to speak.

She is feeling insecure and is looking for reassurance from you that you love her.

I'm not condoning her behaviour but that's what I think is going on in her head.

Sit her down again and explain that you are not ready to move in with her. Its not that you don't love her, you would just like to get to that stage with her gradually. Explain that you would prefer her to talk to you about these things because you care about her feelings.

See what happens then. But don't be guilt tripped into anything you don't want to do.

Gizmodeon

did you ever think that not only does it come across as taking a step backward in the relationship when you had already agreed to it?

Also she now has to find other people to move in with when she previously had no problem finding another roommate, which is a bit unfair at this stage of the year. You could have left her hanging in terms of her being able to move out now

dr.bollocko

Maybe her tearful notion that you should break up, while borne out of a need for forward motion on her part, may have been a prematurely insightful one.
If two people want different things in a relationship, and both are grating on each other, maybe the wise thing to do is, in fact, to break it off.

That's right.
I'm in leftfield. Stealin ur post counts.

jells bells

I think it’s smart that you’re being careful about moving in together, but agree with Lollipops23 in that she was probably blindsided by your decision.

Re: her being the one to get upset now…speaking from experience in a relationship with a guy who was always moody and snapping at me for no reason, I built up a lot of resentment and anger toward him despite loving him loads. And small problems did seem much bigger than I would have typically perceived them because the early days of our relationship were so tainted by anger and drama. Even though his behavior improved over time, the damage still ate away at our relationship until we eventually called it quits after years together. Not to be a downer, but just my two cents…

SarahSassy

jells bells wrote: »

E: her being the one to get upset now…speaking from experience in a relationship with a guy who was always moody and snapping at me for no reason, I built up a lot of resentment and anger toward him despite loving him loads. And small problems did seem much bigger than I would have typically perceived them because the early days of our relationship were so tainted by anger and drama. Even though his behavior improved over time, the damage still ate away at our relationship until we eventually called it quits after years together. Not to be a downer, but just my two cents…

Never a truer word said. Happened to me before and the damage was done at the start and could not be undone....

vorbis

Like to address a few points.

When I say I was moody at the start, it wasn't non stop moodiness. There was I'd say about 4 main incidents in six months.

Secondly, we had never agreed to move in together. I told her originally that it was too soon and she asked if we'd talk about it again in August. I said sure as you can't really tell someone that you won't talk about something???

I'm moving out in September as one of my roommates is moving out and I don't get on too well with the other. My girlfriend is on a month to month lease so can stay where she is as long as she wants. I'm not inconveniencing her by moving in with my friends.

I guess the general point it I always thought a year and a half was a bit too soon to move in together anyways. We're both mid twenties.

Talliesin

vorbis wrote: »

When I say I was moody at the start, it wasn't non stop moodiness. There was I'd say about 4 main incidents in six months.

Four "main". I'm guessing a considerably larger number that weren't "main"?

So, enough to set a pattern that in dealing with you rational behaviour and expressing emotions calmly doesn't work.

vorbis wrote: »

Secondly, we had never agreed to move in together. I told her originally that it was too soon and she asked if we'd talk about it again in August.

So you'd committed to seeing where you were in this regard at this point, and then completely ignored this behaviour.

vorbis wrote: »

I said sure as you can't really tell someone that you won't talk about something???

Why do you see giving a straight answer that you don't feel ready to move in with someone as impossible and lying (since you appear to have had no intention of talking in August) as such obvious behaviour that you are phrasing this as if it was something that everyone would do (eh, no, so of us wouldn't).

vorbis wrote: »

I guess the general point it I always thought a year and a half was a bit too soon to move in together anyways. We're both mid twenties.

No the general point (actually no - one of the general points) is that you're telling us this now, and not your girlfriend when it came up, or even ahead of your arranging to move in with someone else.

LegacyUser

My now Ex boyfriend broke up with me, missed me and to get back with me and prove he was commited said we'd move in together, then decided when his friends gave him a better deal that he'd rather live with them, then that fell through so i was all of a sudden good enough again.

I told him where to go and have never looked back - this is non commited boy behaviour - men don't go on like that.

Your girlfriend is upset because she wants a man who knows what he wants

MagicMarker

Agreeing to move in with your mates before giving your girlfriend a direct answer is a bit annoying, and i can see why she is being upset.

However, she's over reacting by saying she wants to break up.

Just tell her how your feel regarding moving in together and apologise you didn't clear things up with her before hand. If you're not ready then you're not ready, explain to her that no amount of whining is going to change this fact.

vorbis

Talliesin wrote: »

Four "main". I'm guessing a considerably larger number that weren't "main"?

So, enough to set a pattern that in dealing with you rational behaviour and expressing emotions calmly doesn't work.

Gee, thats some detective work there. By four "main" events, I mean just that. Four times where I either took a joke the wrong way or sulked over something minor.

Talliesin wrote: »

So you'd committed to seeing where you were in this regard at this point, and then completely ignored this behaviour.
Why do you see giving a straight answer that you don't feel ready to move in with someone as impossible and lying (since you appear to have had no intention of talking in August) as such obvious behaviour that you are phrasing this as if it was something that everyone would do (eh, no, so of us wouldn't).

I don't think you quite get this. I DID tell her it was too soon originally. She asked if we could talk about it again in August. In my opinion, agreeing to that was just being polite. At that time I had made no plans regarding moving in with friends.

Talliesin wrote: »

No the general point (actually no - one of the general points) is that you're telling us this now, and not your girlfriend when it came up, or even ahead of your arranging to move in with someone else.

As above, I told my girlfriend about my friends asking me if I wanted to move in with them literally within 24 hours. That "talk" in August was brought forward as it were. I still had the same opinion that it was too soon.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Lollipops23 wrote: »

hmm....think its a tad unfair to accuse her of being moody for no reason!!While it was good that you recognised that it was too soon to for you to move in together, you did tell her that you'd reconsider in August. It's July now. You considered moving in with your friends before you'd given her a direct answer, it's no wonder she's upset!
Be more direct with her in future.

Also, she was upset by this incident, just because she was in a good mood 2 days ago, doesn't mean she's not allowed get annoyed/upset about genuine reasons at any point in the near future!!

Totally agree with you!

b3t4

1. You had no intentions of moving in with her in September.

2. You told her that you would reconcider in August which contradicts number 1.

You basically said you hadn't completely taken the idea of moving in together in September off the cards as you would recondier in August. You then went and organised to move in with your friend. You're giving mixed signals which in turn is confusing and upsetting your girlfriend.

If you were decisive with her in the first place you would not have the current situation. This is how it should of gone.

1. Girlfriend: Do you want to move in together in September?
2. Boyfriend: No, I think it will be too soon for me.
3. Girlfriend: Could we reconcider in August?
4. Boyfriend: As I said, I think it will be too soon for me, so no.
5. Girlfriend: When do you think you might be ready?
6. Boyfriend: (be honest)

Make up your mind and stop being so wishy-washy.

A.

Mahatma coat

Tri wrote: »

Ok, this is what she's thinking IMO.

She took that you not being ready to move in as not ready to move in with anyone.

So when you had a look around with your friends, she felt rejected.

Her saying she wants to break up is a test. She wants you to grovel to 'prove your love' so to speak.

She is feeling insecure and is looking for reassurance from you that you love her.

I'm not condoning her behaviour but that's what I think is going on in her head.

Sit her down again and explain that you are not ready to move in with her. Its not that you don't love her, you would just like to get to that stage with her gradually. Explain that you would prefer her to talk to you about these things because you care about her feelings.

See what happens then. But don't be guilt tripped into anything you don't want to do.

this is the thing I remember most about relationships, seemed to be an underlying current in all of them.

OP I would read tri's post there a few times to meself and ask yerself, is she takin me for a mug,

the other point to remember about Wimmin is that at some point in a relationship, completley impeceptible to you, you will switch from being the object of her desires to A project that needs emotional adjustment.

Trinity

By you agreeing to speak again in August about moving in, and then looking for places with your mates for September, she knows the talk is not going to happen and imho you have done it in a horrible way.

She doesnt know you only agreed out of politeness, which was the wrong thing to do also, and now she has found out the hard way. You go and arrange something else with someone else.

There is nothing wrong with you thinking its too soon, nothing at all. However the 2 of you seem to be moving in different directions. People vary on how long to wait, some people move in after a day, some after 10 years, but it has to be mutual.

She genuinely could be considering breaking up over it and not out of moodiness. I think you have hurt her with your actions and you should be apologizing, not for not wanting to move in but for how you went about it.

She wants a commitment, and if she doesnt get it, its possible she will move on. There is nothing wrong with her wanting a commitment either btw and she is entitled to ask where the relationship is heading, if anywhere. So i dont see it as taking you for a mug, its her life and her future and she has invested a year and a half into it already, she is damn well entitled to want to know what the future holds for the 2 of you as a couple.

Beruthiel

vorbis wrote: »

Secondly, we had never agreed to move in together. I told her originally that it was too soon and she asked if we'd talk about it again in August.

In all fairness Vorbis, if someone said to me "not now, but we'll talk about it in August" then I'd actually expect to be talking to them in August about it.
If in the mean time that person went ahead and seemed to be making plans with others then I would have to think the following:

He was fobbing me off and had no intention of going ahead with this even though he lead me to believe it was still up for discussion.
That would be a kick in the teeth.
I would have to think that after 1.5 years of going out with someone you would know at that stage whither they are the one for you. The natural progression of that is to move in together.
The fact that you are refusing her at this point does indeed make her wonder how much you actually care for her.

Now you are perfectly entitled to not move in with her.
But again, if I were you, I'd actually be asking myself why not?
Most of us who are really into our other half are happy to take that step. Ask yourself how come you're not?

NextSteps

So you pulled a "we'll see" and forgot all about it. That's very irritating.

MJOR

I suppose from her perspective her ego is a little hurt. You said you'd think about moving in with her and now are most probably going to be moving in with your buddies.

I'd be mad too if i am honest.

Explain that your feelings towards her or the relationship have not changed. you should have been honest with her from the get go.

As for her moods???? maybe shes stressed out or something

barbiegirl

Hi OP.
Mid twenties, together 1.5 years, said you'd talk about it again in August, then agreed to move in with mates in September, not communicating your thoughts honestly. Are you sure you love her?
It's ok not to be ready, it's ok to move in with your mates, it's not ok to lie and it's not ok mislead. If you don't feel like you can communicate honestly then maybe she is right.
Having been in similar situation in my mid twenties I saw his refusal to even consider moving in as a sign of his lack of committment, and I moved on. I wanted more, he couldn't give it. Sometimes people are at different stages in their life and if so it won't work out. Consider things carefully, very carefully, and don't just write it off as moodiness.

John Mason

Tara Le d'Arion wrote: »

You are perfectly entitled to feel it is too soon, she should realise this. She may have been upset(for a short while) and I don't think she should be blamed for that or anything but threatening to break up is a bit over the top, or crazy as you put it.

exactly.

she sound like a bunny boiler, i would cut my loses now and move in with your friends.

Life is far too short to be dealing with drama queens

LegacyUser

vorbis wrote: »

I'm moving out in September as one of my roommates is moving out and I don't get on too well with the other. My girlfriend is on a month to month lease so can stay where she is as long as she wants. I'm not inconveniencing her by moving in with my friends.

I guess the general point it I always thought a year and a half was a bit too soon to move in together anyways. We're both mid twenties.

So, im having something similar, im on the other side of things, (your GF's) im with my OH 6 years ish... i want us to move in or just pack it in coz its just too long to not do that.
His first thing was, im gonna get a place of my own, you can visit me - it'll be great for us. I just gently pointed out that i'd still be at home and just visiting him in another house instead of his home house. Absolutely no differance for us, not moving relationship forward or making any steps.
And i was very annoyed with that coz i had said i wanted us to move in or leave it and that was his suggestion. Now im waiting on him to get a job or i will (MUCH AS I LOVE HIM) have to consider getting on with my life without him. we are, like you, in our mid 20's

Wibbs

I agree with Tri she's testing you and the waters of the relationship in general. Now we all do that from time to time in little ways, but puling the whole, "I'll leave you" would be a step too far for me. Emotional blackmail to get her own way, regardless of how right she is.

On her side I can see her issue if you're planning to move in with mates, when you've hmmmed and hawed over moving in with her. Even though you brought it up within 24 hours.

In the end I don't think she's crazy, she just wants to move in with you and you saying you think it's too early will put her on the back foot. Suggesting moving in with mates will put her on the back foot even more as it'll show it's not the moving that's the issue, it's the moving in with her. No amount of logic about the wisdom of moving or not on your part will likely convince her otherwise. She's feeling rejected.

Basically if you think it's too early it probably is and if she wants to break up wit you over that, let her regardless of your mates.

Gumbyman

I may get blasted for this but it is quite possible she is having her monthly super-fun-crazy-time-experience.

Also, cop on with talk of one night stands with foxy chicks for the love of God. Go all in or all out. Don't go sh1tting on what you have had together. Best of luck with it (and the depression - I don't envy you). You need to focus on what is important. First step there is finding out what is important. To you.

gubby

"Presently, I'm not sure. I do love her but this behavior is too far for me."
sorry but it sounds to me that you dont love her!

vorbis

Maybe a little more background will help regards me "humming and hawing".

I clearly said originally that I thought it would be too soon. I did say to her that I thought we would move in together next year. I've always had the opinion (just my own) that you should be with someone a minimum of 2 years before moving in. To fully get used to one another. She pressed the issue about talking about it again and I'll admit I should have not agreed with that.

In June, I lost my job and spent the month finding another one. Moving plans were far from my mind. I found a new job last week and coincidentally my friends asked me about moving in with them at around the same time. I still had the same opinion about it being too soon so this just seemed a good solution to my moving in September.

As I said, I was thinking about moving in with my girlfriend next year. I told her this but it doesn't seem to be enough.

Redpunto

Id be peed off at ya as well. Its not like youre kids nor have been goin out for only a short time, how much time do you need to make up your mind bout moving in with the girl?? Either tell her no, you dont want to move in and let her find someones else or move on with the relationship.

Wibbs

I think if he feels moving in this soon is wrong for him, he's perfectly right to have that opinion and indeed she's perfectly right to take said opinion and disagree. If that's a bridge too far she is entitled to say enough's enough and re examine the relationship. Throwing a wobbler or pulling the emotional blackmail lark once too often would be a bridge too far for me.

LegacyUser

I think people are being WAY too harsh on the OP.

He made it clear that he didn't want to move in with her. She's not stupid, reconsidering it August was just that 'reconsidering' and now she's looking for anyway possible to make it happen. Threatening to break up is childish and emotional blackmail at its best. Bringing the issue up constantly is also her way of being selfish and forcing him into a committment he's not ready to make. OP, stick by your original plans. Its tough luck on her if she can't accept that your not ready to move in. If ye break up, ye break up but moving in with soemone just to please them is a recipe for disaster and will only speed up the inevitable as you'll eventually come to resent her for forcing your hand when you weren't fully ready.

zoey

vorbis wrote: »

She pressed the issue about talking about it again and I'll admit I should have not agreed with that. .

Exactly and if I were in ur girlfriend's situation this is what I would be upset over.
In her situation I would have believed well ok he isn't too pushed on the idea now but maybe by August he will changed his mind seeing as he is open to further discussion on the matter. The fact that you are now moving in with friends may look to her as- well he was considering maybe moving in with me(due to the fact he said he will discuss it later) and now since he got an invite from friends he would prefer this and I was being lead on incase he needed someone to fall back on.
It's not nice to feel used or 2nd best OP, especially in a relationship of this length
I'm not suggesting for a moment that you should move in together if you don't feel ready, it would more than likely end in disaster. I feel if you had of made it clear that the subject was not open to discussion instead of lying to her this situation would have been avoided. IMO she has every right to be annoyed.

zoey

adviced2345 wrote: »

He made it clear that he didn't want to move in with her. She's not stupid, reconsidering it August was just that 'reconsidering' and now she's looking for anyway possible to make it happen.

The thing is he didn't make it clear. If someone told me they didn't like the idea at the moment but yea they were open to further discussion then I would think exactly that- after taking a while to think, he might have changed his mind. However he didn't take the agreed time to think and has admitted he had no notion of reconsidering so why not just say that in the first place!!

I don't feel it's fair that the OP's girlfriend is threatening to finish just because he won't move in with her- he has every right not to and I would actually agree that 2 years may be a bit too soon but it's how he went about it, giving her false hope is what i would be upset about in the OP's Girlfriens situation. I feel if he admits to her that he was wrong to do this and he is sorry(if he is) then she should be able to move on from this and accept he is not ready yet.

vorbis

People keep bringing up this point that I was "using" my girlfriend. Had my friends not asked me to move in with them, it was still pretty unlikely I would have moved in with her. I would have just found a room somewhere. I've lived with strangers several times and have no problems with it.

My issue now is the fact that she's still down / upset about this situation. Its the longest argument we've had so far. As other people said, I would have understood being upset for a few days. But now its getting to like where to go from here?? It seems bizarre that this could well lead to a break up.

LegacyUser

So you told your girlfriend that you would discuss moving in with her in August and then your friends asked you to move in with them.

You're fine up to that point BUT

at that point you should have told your girlfriend that your mates had asked you and you thought that was the best option for now because you really aren't ready to move in with her.

You shouldn't have gone and looked at places til you had told her where your head was at with respect to moving in with her. It's one thing to say to your friends that you like the idea of moving in together, but it's another to act on it and go looking at places.

That's what I'd be annoyed about.
It shows a level of immaturity and an unwillingness to act responsibly and be straight with people even if you know they won't react well.

You didn't give her a chance to find out why you don't want to move in together or for her to make suggestions. You didn't even have the respect to tell her you'd changed your plans.

SarahSassy

vorbis wrote: »

People keep bringing up this point that I was "using" my girlfriend. Had my friends not asked me to move in with them, it was still pretty unlikely I would have moved in with her. I would have just found a room somewhere. I've lived with strangers several times and have no problems with it.

Well you should have grown a pair of balls and told her out straight....

SarahSassy

vorbis wrote: »

My issue now is the fact that she's still down / upset about this situation. Its the longest argument we've had so far. As other people said, I would have understood being upset for a few days. ut now its getting to like where to go from here?? It seems bizarre that this could well lead to a break up.

Its not bizarre... Between your moods and this I think it could be the straw that breaks the camels back... A lot of women, myself included, can be flexible and loving and patient with their boyfriends TO A POINT and for me if they push it beyond that then the relationship seriously suffers... This sounds like a similar scenario... You have pushed too far this time.. IMHO, petty moods are selfish and self indulgent while in a relationship and this latest behaviour was also selfish. Maybe she has had enough....

vorbis

I'm regretting ever mentioning the fact that I was moody at the START of the relationship. She has undoubtedly had more moody moments over the past YEAR! SarahSassy you make it sound like I'm being moody every second week. You may have experienced that before but its not what is happening in my relationship.

And I DID tell her straight originally. My mistake was to think she knew what I meant when I said sure we can talk about it again in August. I thought I was being polite in the same way that companies who don't want to hire you tell you that they have decided to look at more candidates but we'll keep you in mind.

Had I realised that she put such store in "reconsidering" in August, I would have been a lot more direct. I'd like some advice on what to do if she stays upset about this. Instead people seem fixated with the idea that I admitted! to being moody for a time period.

SarahSassy

8 to 10 months is not the start - its approx half of your relationship...

Honesty would have nipped this in the bud at the start....

SS

BTW your last post sounds hmmmmmmmmmm moody and snotty.

vorbis

Gawd, exactly as I said, a fixation.
If you want a timeline
0 - 6 months me being moody
7 - 10 months things generally fine
10ish months on her starting to get upset about small stuff

I don't think I can put it more clearly than that. Of course, i wasn't moody all the time and neither was my girlfriend.
Just outlining periods where I could tell things had changed.

Honestly, SarahSassy I've found all of your posts are bitchy and self righteous. You have no interest in addressing any of my questions and just want to make cheap shots.

Chinafoot

I have to say I'm amazed at the amount of people who think she is being over the top by saying that maybe they should break up. The guy doesn't want to live with her, he hurt her badly by not being up front with her (being poilte...she's your girlfriend ffs!) and she's understandably wondering where the relationship is going. She is probably very aware of the fact that they both want different things so it's completely reasonable for her to consider ending things in that case. It's not emotional blackmail at all.

Talliesin

vorbis wrote: »

Gee, thats some detective work there.

No, it's national-school level English comprehension.

vorbis wrote: »

By four "main" events, I mean just that. Four times where I either took a joke the wrong way or sulked over something minor.

And what else apart from the "main" events. Are you saying that you meant "only" when you said "main"? Because otherwise it means there was more than this. "Main" is a word that entails something other than what is main.

How far did you take a joke the wrong way? What do you mean by sulk? For how long?

vorbis wrote: »

She asked if we could talk about it again in August. In my opinion, agreeing to that was just being polite.

Short of greeting people with racial epithets, there isn't much less polite than promising to do something related to something important (by the other person's measure of importance) and then not doing it.

I'm not saying the blame is all yours and yours alone. I do though think it sounds like there's the possibility that "going crazy" (to use your own expression) is something that is coming from each of you. If this is the case then it's also possible that the two of you would make each other worse.

b3t4

vorbis wrote: »

She pressed the issue about talking about it again and I'll admit I should have not agreed with that.

Right, so we've established, and you agree, that your girlfriend does in fact have a point.

As I said, I was thinking about moving in with my girlfriend next year. I told her this but it doesn't seem to be enough.

She is entitled to be unhappy about waiting a further year to move in with her partner. You are equally as entitled to be unhappy to move in together in September. The relationship is at an inpass if ye cannot come to an understanding about this.

My advise, go to a location that is neutral to both of you, sit down and talk this out, laying all the cards on the table so to speak. She can voice her concerns and you can voice your concerns over her reaction.

Information is what you need here to get past this, so sit down and talk!

A

SarahSassy

vorbis wrote: »

Gawd, exactly as I said, a fixation.
If you want a timeline
0 - 6 months me being moody
7 - 10 months things generally fine
10ish months on her starting to get upset about small stuff

I don't think I can put it more clearly than that. Of course, i wasn't moody all the time and neither was my girlfriend.
Just outlining periods where I could tell things had changed.

Honestly, SarahSassy I've found all of your posts are bitchy and self righteous. You have no interest in addressing any of my questions and just want to make cheap shots.

No my dear, at the end of the day you are trying to blame someone else for something which has been entirely ****ed up by yourself. Look at the percentage of posters who think your GF has a point.... You made this mess and to be frank I could not care less if she ever spoke to you again but my comment stands - you posts come across as moody and snotty... God love her.

dr.bollocko

Ixnay on the anky thread cray

Wibbs

dr. bollocko. Off topic stuff doesn't fly around here. Thanks.

dr.bollocko

Sorry. I just meant that this thread is devolving rapidly into one that is unhelpful to the OP due to the cranky nature of the replies.
I think that, as I said in my original post, it might just be best to actually look at the future of the relationship objectively and see if it has any hope of survival at all, and if the OP thinks it does then compromise a little, and if not, just move on.
Nothing really more to say.

Ickle Magoo

vorbis wrote: »

....My mistake was to think she knew what I meant when I said sure we can talk about it again in August. I thought I was being polite in the same way that companies who don't want to hire you tell you that they have decided to look at more candidates but we'll keep you in mind....

You thought your girlfriend of a year and a half would assume you were just being polite & had no real intention of moving in with her any time soon when she asked about the future of your relationship and the start of a possible life together?

I think you need to sit down together and learn to communicate exactly what you want & exactly what your expectations are. She needs to do the same & then see if you have a relationship to move on with in whatever capacity you are both happy with & clear on. Of course you are perfectly within your rights to say it's too soon for you but to answer your question, yes, I think she has a point if she is seriously considering whether you are going to be part of her future & no, I don't think she's mad for doing that.

Just as an aside, I've learnt that one the first signs I exhibit when a partner is soon to be an ex is getting all stroppy & everything about them annoying me, I wouldn't assume she's being a crazy woman. Sorry.

vorbis

Well, things are still pretty bad. We talked on the phone today. She seems to believe I should do something nice for her, buy her flowers, take her out to dinner etc. to show that I love her. It reeks of manipulation to me. I normally have no problem with doing nice things. When things are going well, we'd eat out at least 3 times a week on average. We've gone traveling together etc.

We've never had an argument before where she's actually said "Do something nice and we'll stop fighting". At this stage, I think she is either engineering a breakup or getting some really faulty advice from a friend. I thought she knew me better than to play these type of games.

Icke Magoo, no offense but aren't women supposed to be better at subtle communication? I originally told her explicitly that I thought September would be too soon. My mistake was agreeing to her multiple requests that we'd talk about it again in August. I would have said 80% of people would have come away from that conversation thinking I wasn't going to move in.

MagicMarker

Her telling you to do somethng nice it a little bit cheeky tbh!

BUT! You were in the wrong in the first place so maybe you should have already done something nice as an apology?

Trinity

I had a huge reply typed yesterday but it disappeared

Look I think the reason some people are being harsh is because you are still missing the point.

How would you feel if you proposed and she said no?

I can only guess how she is feeling but i would say she is feeling rejected.

Moving in, and forward in a relationship shows sign of commitment and for some, not all, it can be the ultimate proof of love. Its not that you wont move in but that you wont move forward and she is possibly thinking more of the long term implications of your refusal.

How did your chat go the last time in regards to moving in?

Did you have an indepth conversation about why its too soon but explain that you love her and see a future with her?

You should sit down and have another chat and actually have a good think first about what it is you want from this girl long term. If its nothing then you have to tell her that.

But go into the conversation having put herself in her shoes for 5 minutes, and drop the I and ME side of things.

There is no such thing as subtle communication in matters of the heart, you have to be brutally honest, be cruel to be kind more or less or you end up hurting people more in the long run by giving them false hope or letting them get the wrong idea.

In regards to breaking up, she could be considering it. She has already compromised by giving you more time to think about it.

Its not about manipulation. When people want different things from relationships something or someone has to give. We have stressed there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to move in, but we have also made it clear there is nothing wrong with her wanting to move in. So unless you can reach a compromise somewhere then i dont know if you have a future.

But again ask yourself how you would feel if you proposed and she said no, maybe next year. Would you question her love for you?

PurpleBerry

vorbis wrote: »

She seems to believe I should do something nice for her, buy her flowers, take her out to dinner etc. to show that I love her. It reeks of manipulation to me.

It sounds like both of you want the other person to be something they're not. She wants you to be romantic, win her back and say "I was stupid, let's move in" and, correct me if I'm wrong, that's just not you.

You want her to be a lot cooler about these things, turn to you and say "No, it was me who overreacted, we're not ready to move in together yet. I should've seen that." But she's as likely to change as you are. She needs commitment. It's not her fault that she needs it, just like it's not your fault that you can't give it.

What you need to decide is can you compromise?
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