I don't know what to do

zedhead

My ex boyfriend (who i was with for 3.5years before breaking up 2 years ago) abused me, mentally, physically and sexually. The physical abuse started about a year and a half in. Just one slap. I bit his lip while kissing him, trying to be sexy....and his reaction was to slap me. His reaction to the slap was so calm, an explanation why...i tried so hard to hold back the tears. But that was it, it wasn't like he meant to hurt me, he was only reacting to pain (any excuse). The second time was about 4 or 5 months later, also a reaction to pain, but it was 2 hard thumps rather than a slap, but still it was only a reaction so excusable. Then it got more frequent, if i woke him he'd grab me, once i woke him and he thumped me about 10 times really hard on my back. If we were arguing he'd swing at me. His reaction would also stop being so calm, he'd cry and say he was going to leave, that he didn't deserve me, knowing i wouldn't let him go. The 2 worst things he ever did physically. The first was just before we moved in together. I had gotten back from Israel, feeling better and more confident than i ever had, and he did int like it. I insisted we went out drinking and clubbing with our friends at least once a week. One week on our way home we went into the shop he worked in and i made a joke, when he came outside he grabbed my hand and twisted my finger so hard i had to wear it in a bandage for 2 weeks, i told people i got it caught in my jacket. That night was one f the last we all went out. The second was just after Xmas, we were fighting in the apartment and he got really angry and grabbed me and pushed me up against the kitchen wall. I cant fully remember but i think he also grabbed a knife. he shook me and held me there screaming at me. When he finally let me go i ran to the couch and cried, and he came straight back over and climbed on top of me and shook me again. After that day i was convinced the only way we'd break up was for him to leave or me end up in hospital, and that really scares me that i thought that and still couldn't leave.
Sexually he was rough with me from about a year in. i never liked it but at first he didn't really hurt me. but he got harder and harder, pulling my hair and pushing my face down. Shouting at me. It didn't matter if i wanted too or not, if he did we had to.. A lot of the time i would cry and beg him to stop but he wouldn't. I think that made him enjoy it more.
Emotionally he abused me, i felt like i was nothing without him, like i had to put up with the other stuff because that was all i was worth. He has a way of getting into my head that i despise. I missed so many things because of him, my friends, my sisters 18th birthday party among other things. He also cheated repeatedly, confessing these infidelities knowing that i still wouldn't be able to leave.

When it finally ended, he left me for another girl. I thought we could be friends, but as soon as i got out there trying to meet new people he wanted me back and i fell for it. We got back for a few weeks, until i finally realised i didn't love him and told hm to go back to the other girl. But i still thought we could be friends. I was suppressing all the stuff he'd done, and he still relied on me so much that i felt i had to be there for him. But then all the memories came back and i realised i couldn't be his friend, but i thought i could just pretend to by taking his calls every now and then and that would be it. But then i ran into him one night and i was so scared i had to just walk away from him. The next day when i told him why, he couldn't accept it...could only admit to hitting me twice and called me a liar. Since then he continued to try contact me every month or 2 looking for forgiveness then calling me a liar when i ignore it. It has got less frequent and i havent heard anything from him since around last November, but i still have that fear its him everytime i see a withheld number or a number i dont recognise on my phone. I also cant go to certain parts of town, which it difficult to explain to peopl why. Only a few people know anything about what happen and nobody knows everything.

During the relationship, any time there were incidents of violence, or even any time he would emotionally attack me, i began to suffer what i think were anxiety attacks. Most of the time a walk alone would clear my head and get me over it, but towards the last couple of months the feeling never went away. It cumulated to the point that i felt like running away. I nearly did too, on the way to work a couple of days i stopped at the dart station and just waited there for about 40 mins contemplating leaving. Not just running away from him, but from my whole life. Friends, family, work pretty much everything and not look back. Then when i couldnt actually got hrough with it i got really angry at myself and it made everything worse. Ive only ever got these anxiety attacks again at times when he contacts me, or im presented with even the possibility of running into him. This hasnt happened for a few months now and ive been fine, i still think about what happened and have nightmares, but for day to day life i have been ok. the past week though the anxiety attacks have come back, and as bad as the worst one, ive felt like running away again. It happens during work, for no reason at all. And i think thats what is so bad about it, i cant pinpoint a trigger for it. i have no idea why it has come back. Im at a loss what to do as it is affecting my conduct in work. I find i am reacting different to people during these times. I am supervisor of my team and during these attacks i find i am reacting to every little issue that comes in in a negative way and it cant continue. If its noticed i dont know how i could explain my behaviour. I cant even talk to the people closest to me about it never mind a manager. Also i dont know how to deal with the anxiety, i cant let it continue. i just feel like crying all the time i cant look at people and i dont know what to do.
I also feel like the whole experience has affected my relationships with guys as well. I have had 2 relationships since my ex. The first was with a friend, and that is the only reason it worked, i trusted him totally and he had suspicions about the bahviour of my ex so i had nothing to explain. It ended when he moved to canada and although we have stayed friends, i feel like i will never find someone like him that will just understand why i am the way i am, and why certain things affect me the way they do. I dont want to ever have to talk about it to anyone, or explain what happened to me. I am afraid guys will think of me as damaged or something. The second relationship ended a few weeks ago, i never fully put my trust or feelings into him, i kept him at a distance so when it came to the point of actually being something he didnt think there was anything there. I am scared this is the way all relationships are going to go. And i keep having random sexual encounters and doing things i never thought i would. 2 years ago the idea of a one night stand was awful to me, and ive now had 6. I know i dont want these and i dont go out looking for them but i cant seem to stop myself. Last night was the worst ive ever done, i was at a staff party and i ended up taking one of the guys home, he has a longterm girlfriend and a 7 year old child and i knew this before it happend. I got so drunk that i cant even remember what happened. i dont know who it was who made the move, there are hours of the night that are missing from my mind and that has never happened to me before. I know he came home with me but i cant actually remember sleeping with him, and he was gone when i woke up. I dont know what happened. I hate myself for even kissing someone i knew had a girlfriend, i hate people like me, and i hate the fact that i have no idea what happened. ive never been that drunk before, i dont know if it was a reaction to the week i had and the levels of anxiety, but am i just using that as an excuse for totally unexcusable behaviour. I dont want to act like that again.
This relationship ended over 2 years ago, i hate to think this is going to affect me forever and i will never have another normal relationship. I contemplated suicide last night and it scared me more then anything, but for a split second it seemed like the easiest thing to do!
I know i need professional help, but i dont know how to go about getting it. I dont know where to start. I dont want people to know. SOrry that is so long, i just started and couldnt stop!

Wibbs

The first thing I would say is try and find a counselor. Of course you know that, as you said, but there are stickies at the top of this forum that may point you in the right direction. If you have a GP then you could ask him or her to refer you as they'll know someone that could help.

As for the ex. OK please listen and anyone will tell you this. It was not your fault. He was a bully and an abuser. Not a loving partner. He hurt you and abused your trust to the point where you doubted yourself. He left you with anxiety and pain. He was not and never could be your friend. Don't go there. Friendship is support and trust and a safe harbour. You needed an friend to escape from him.

I know it's going to be hard to think of it like this, but try to think of it as a huge lesson about what you need and should get from life and those in your life. It was a hard hard lesson, but the best often are, if we listen to them.

I think you've started to in a way, maybe even by getting all this down to complete strangers. Strangers that will come on here in droves to tell you the same things.

Think about that, we're strangers. We don't know you, but we want to help. Even if our help is all muddled and arseways at times.:) Some of us here may have even gone through very similar or love those who have gone through very similar. Think how lucky those who know you are to have you in their lives.

You deserve to be happy and safe and loved. The world and the people who love you now and those that will love you in the future deserve to know you as the best that you can be. This will happen. Don't let a horrible time in your life and a horrible "human" being convince you otherwise.

Wurly

Hi there OP,

First of all, I would like to say how much I admire you for having the guts to come on here and tell us your story. It must have taken a lot.

Ok OP, you have been abused physically and mentally. You have also been raped. You know you need to get help and I understand the terror in doing so.

Call the rape crisis centre maybe for advice on a suitable counsellor. Having been through such an awful time, I think you need help coming through this. There is no shame in this and you have done nothing wrong. I'm sure other posters will post useful websites to visit.

You have taken the first step coming here to post your experience. Things can only get better from this point on.

You are an incredibly brave lady and you can and will get through this. I wish you the best of luck.xx

LoanShark

Hi,
I cant put into words how sorry I feel for you...
You need to talk to someone,Maybe the Samaratains or possibly The Rape Crisis centre.
Suicide is deffinately not the way to go,Think of your family that you leave behind..
Why not try to take time off from work and go traveling and tey to find yourself?

I think that you also need to report this guy and his actions to the Gardai and at least have it reported if your not gonna press charges..

You've come to the right place for advice though...

Talliesin

zedhead wrote: »

he'd cry and say he was going to leave, that he didn't deserve me, knowing i wouldn't let him go.

Your reaction to this was?

I want to take the following quotes out on their own:

zedhead wrote: »

feeling better and more confident than i ever had, and he did int like it.

zedhead wrote: »

It didn't matter if i wanted too or not, if he did we had to.

zedhead wrote: »

i felt like i was nothing without him

zedhead wrote: »

confessing these infidelities knowing that i still wouldn't be able to leave.

What the above have in common, outside of the rest of what you said, is that they all work. Looked at coldly, his tactics were great. He got what he wanted quite efficiently.

And what's important about this is that there's a natural tendency to want to understand why. Part of that is if you are struggling with blaming yourself for any part of it (including both what he did, and also not getting out sooner). Another part is to try to normalise things - explain what he did and you can make the whole thing more "normal" and hence less traumatic. I think making things normal might be why you tried to be friends with him - being friends is what happens when a break up is particularly good after all.

But **** the why, look at the how. Whatever his reasons for being a bastard, his method of being a bastard was accomplished. He was a very effective bastard. He's good at it. Remember that, because it means whatever you may have done differently he probably would still have been just as effective at being a bastard.


That said, he's not very important. He's deeply unimportant (and knowing that may be part of they why).

More important to you is you. You is a bit depleted now. You has had some chunks removed to make you feel like you'd need him. You can get you back though but it will take time.

I'd suggest you avoid not just one-night stands, but the sort of situations that you find lead to one-night stands. Now I've nothing against one-night stands, and maybe later on you'll decide that you don't either, but it really doesn't read like that's where you are now.

Talk to a counsellor. Talk to the Rape Crisis Centre (there are numbers in the stickies for the different parts of Ireland - if you aren't in Ireland please post so here if you can't find local numbers yourself).

Allow yourself to have set-backs and bad days.

Allow yourself to have bad days even when if you think you should be "over it by now". Trauma doesn't have an expiry date. It does get better, but not always in a steady ever-improving way. Sometimes it gets a little worse for a bit, but remember that it does get better.

And it doesn't just get a little better, it gets a lot better. Not like it's never happened better, but so much better that it just doesn't compare to where you are now, believe me.

Wurly

OP, I also meant to say. It might be worth printing out your post and bringing it to your first counselling session. Show it to the counsellor so you don't have to start from the beginning. Then you will have a canvass to work off without having to dredge everything up.

It outlines what has happened to you in detail and is well constructed.x

RedXIV

Hey OP,

Fair play for getting the guts up to write that post, i know that can't have been easy. Echoing Wibbs's statement, You deserve to be happy.

You have the right attitude, you want to get over this and you're willing to go look for help. Find a councillor and trust him. It can be a horrible thought sharing everything to someone physically present but once it's out, thats it, worst step over.

as far as your ex is concerned, You can do ALOT better lass, he will get whats coming to him, i'm not a great believer in religion, but i do believe in karma and he won't be able to go through life with that kind of mindset without getting his own.

Forget him, cut your ties and make sure he knows you're taking no more from him. You gave quiet a few hints in your post that there is still a spark of strength and defiance in you that he was never able to extinguish and even reading it, without knowing you, i'm proud of that.

Like i said lass, you've made a great first step, telling ANYONE is an achievment, even if it's only strangers online, and if this is the only place you can talk comfortably, talk here, we'll all be here to help and support you. You can get over this. No, you WILL get over this.

I wish you all the best

Red

SnowMonkey

Talliesin wrote: »

Allow yourself to have set-backs and bad days.

Allow yourself to have bad days even when if you think you should be "over it by now". Trauma doesn't have an expiry date. It does get better, but not always in a steady ever-improving way. Sometimes it gets a little worse for a bit, but remember that it does get better.

And it doesn't just get a little better, it gets a lot better. Not like it's never happened better, but so much better that it just doesn't compare to where you are now, believe me.

Thats amazingly good advice there and i second it

Op im sorry to hear about your problems but you've crossed a bridge and made your first step which is good and each step some may feel like you've gone backwards but it will get better.

But my mum was in your position with her x husband well before i was born and she's did well even tho it tock time...

Karen_*

OP this doesn't hae to affect the rest of your life. You've already taken the brave step of posting on here which shows that you're trying to heal and want to move forward with your life. You've felt great about yourself before and you can do again and you're such a worthwhile person. None of this is your fault. Anyone exposed to an abusive person over a period of time will be worn down so its not that you're weak for putting up with it. I went out with a guy who had me afraid to speak and unable to decide for myself whether I wanted cornflakes for breakfast. I got through that and look back without any blame on myself. So can you. But you need to regain your self esteem. How dare anyone treat you like that?

Make an appointment to see a counsellor and is there any way you could speak to your parents or a sibling? They're probably very worried about you and would love to help.

Bricriu

Sorry to hear about your painful life. I think you will have to talk to a therapist about what happened, or the symptoms will worsen.

Also, have a look at the symptoms of Codependency at codependents.org, or get a book about Codependency.

Best of luck,

Bricriu

zedhead

Thanks to all that replied, the advice has been really good. I know i need to get help, im just so scared of actually making that step. Im using the excuse that i dont know where to look for a counsellor, but i think that is just an excuse. I have tried the Samaritans, and while i am sure they help a huge amount of people, i found them totally an utterly useless, i wrote emails and the responses i got felt generic, as if they hadnt even read what i had written down, which to be honest made me feel even worse. I dont know what im expecting from a counsellor but i am worried that it is going to be something simalar, and im not going to get what i need out of this. Again maybe i am using this as an excuse to avoid doing it becuase i am so scared of admitting aloud what has happened. I cant talk to my family about this, i have a very close relationship with them but i just cant bring myself to tell them about it. i dont want to worry them or hurt them, i know how bad they would feel if they knew, i dont think they will have noticed the anxiety as i do not live with them and for the few hours each week i am with them i feel i can ignore it, or if i cant just cancel on them without them realsing.
One of you suggested taking time off work and going travelling to find myself, and while i did consider this a few months ago, which the feelings of need to run away im afraid thats what i will be doing and i dont want to run away from this any more.
I keep trying to bring this up with my friends, but it never seems to be the right time. There is one person i have mentioned it too, she has seen a counsellor in the past and basically told me to just go look up the phone book and find one local...its a first step and the easiest thing to do, but i havent been able to do that yet, i seem to be avoiding the cupboard the phone book is kept in at the moment. Is this the best way of finding someone, or is there a better way? How do you start to talk about something you havent ever said aloud....that is what im struggling with more then anything

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, you have really been through a terrible time. You can seek interim treatment for your anxiety now and I would recommend going to see a trusted GP as soon as possible. I would print out your post so you will not have to go through the trauma of explaining everything. I should imagine your GP will probably recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for you. I know a number of people who have had it and found it hugely successful. Your first step is your GP though, they will refer you to an expert. Thank goodness you have managed to escape from this monster, time now you built a live you deserve. Good luck OP and please let us know how you go.

Sleepy

zedhead wrote: »

Thanks to all that replied, the advice has been really good. I know i need to get help, im just so scared of actually making that step. Im using the excuse that i dont know where to look for a counsellor, but i think that is just an excuse. I have tried the Samaritans, and while i am sure they help a huge amount of people, i found them totally an utterly useless, i wrote emails and the responses i got felt generic, as if they hadnt even read what i had written down, which to be honest made me feel even worse. I dont know what im expecting from a counsellor but i am worried that it is going to be something simalar, and im not going to get what i need out of this. Again maybe i am using this as an excuse to avoid doing it becuase i am so scared of admitting aloud what has happened. I cant talk to my family about this, i have a very close relationship with them but i just cant bring myself to tell them about it. i dont want to worry them or hurt them, i know how bad they would feel if they knew, i dont think they will have noticed the anxiety as i do not live with them and for the few hours each week i am with them i feel i can ignore it, or if i cant just cancel on them without them realsing.
One of you suggested taking time off work and going travelling to find myself, and while i did consider this a few months ago, which the feelings of need to run away im afraid thats what i will be doing and i dont want to run away from this any more.
I keep trying to bring this up with my friends, but it never seems to be the right time. There is one person i have mentioned it too, she has seen a counsellor in the past and basically told me to just go look up the phone book and find one local...its a first step and the easiest thing to do, but i havent been able to do that yet, i seem to be avoiding the cupboard the phone book is kept in at the moment. Is this the best way of finding someone, or is there a better way? How do you start to talk about something you havent ever said aloud....that is what im struggling with more then anything

A professional counsellor will be nothing like the response you got from Samaritans. I used to do the equivalent service for Childline and frankly, often felt like what I was responding with was somewhat generic but as a volunteer you're an amateur with a bit of training, you're not qualified to do much but listen and try to steer the person towards figuring out how to help themselves using open ended questions like 'who do you feel you can talk to about this?' / 'how do you think you could go about getting help to cope with this?' etc.

With all the best will in the world, a helpline volunteer can only do so much. For some situations all most of need is a sympathetic ear to vent to and Childline / Samaritans can provide that. They may be able to provide more e.g. in the case of Childline we could provide a referral to a social worker / Gardai if that's what the child wanted etc. Having volunteered with them, I assure you I feel it in no way denigrates the fantastic work done by these organisations when I say that for all the good they can do, they can't match the help you can get from a professional counsellor.

DenMan

Hi OP

After reading your post I get the feeling that you are blaming yourself on the recent events of two years previously, you shouldn't do that. It was not your fault, you were abused and mentally and physically battered. It was great that you got out of that relationship when you did. Good only knows if he is continuing the trend with another girl now, and how is she coping with it. He is a dangerous man and in my opinion should have been reported to the Guards. He may have had problems in the past you were not aware of and is a danger to other people around him. Getting out when you did was the right decision.

However for the past two years it has really affected you, doing things you normally would not have done before. You should make an appointment and see a professional who can offer their advice. You do not want to have to carry this with you for a long time into the future. If you face up and acknowledge that this has been eating away with you, then you can move on with your life and get back on track. A big part of wants that I can tell from your post. Getting it down here on Boards was a terrific idea and other people can relate to your situation because they have been/currently are in involved in a similar situation. You got yourself registered here which is great. You may have let yourself go over the last couple of years, that is understandable considering what you went through and as a result left yourself vulnerable and with a sense of low self esteem. You are better than that. Do what is right for yourself and you will appreciate the person you are and were before you got involved with the wrong person(s). Good luck OP.

NextSteps

You deserve better, and getting help is the most certain way of making things better for yourself. Pick up the phone. Glad you're rid of the b*stard.

MJOR

This guy was an abusive bully that demoralised you and stripped you of all your self esteem.

This is not your fault. Nobody given a choice would choose this type of situation.

It has however affected you and will continue to until you talk to a professional.

Stay out of any type of relationship til you seek professsional advice. Boards is a great support network but not sufficient in your case.

Everyone here is supportive so best of luck

xxxxxxxxxxxx keep us informed

Talliesin

SnowMonkey wrote: »

Thats amazingly good advice there and i second it

Well, that bit is something that becomes sort of obvious if you learn it the hard way, though of course only in hindsight. How much use it is to say so to someone who's still in the middle of it is another matter though

zedhead wrote: »

Im using the excuse that i dont know where to look for a counsellor, but i think that is just an excuse.

The Rape Crisis Centre do both volunteer phone counselling (similar principle to the Samaritans, but the training and their experience would be such that they'd perhaps be a bit better placed for a case such as yours) and session counselling with professional counselling, often free of charge (though unfortunately not everyone is eligible for the session counselling).

Beyond that there are counsellors in the phone-book as your friend said.

zedhead wrote: »

Again maybe i am using this as an excuse to avoid doing it becuase i am so scared of admitting aloud what has happened.

I can understand that. It's a big step.

How much of the above have you actually vocally said to anyone?

How much even if you were alone?

If all you can do is write, then writing's a place to start.

zedhead wrote: »

One of you suggested taking time off work and going travelling to find myself, and while i did consider this a few months ago, which the feelings of need to run away im afraid thats what i will be doing and i dont want to run away from this any more.

I agree.

If you can think of somewhere you'd really like to run to for a while, then now might be a good time to do it, but I'd say you'd want to get a certain degree of stability and security in how you feel before doing something that puts you into a less familiar situation.

zedhead wrote: »

I keep trying to bring this up with my friends, but it never seems to be the right time.

A short text saying "Really need to talk to someone this evening" can sort of set yourself up so that you can't back down. This could be a good idea or a really, really bad idea depending on your personality and that of the friend(s) in question, so I'm not saying you definitely should - just throwing it out as one thing that might work and might not.

zedhead wrote: »

How do you start to talk about something you havent ever said aloud.

Eventually.

How did you manage to write what you have written so far. I bet it wasn't easy.

Ultimately this is all up to you. The counsellor will help you with helping yourself. Which might sound kinda useless, but believe it or not you're doing a very good job so far.

girl2

Hello

I work in a family centre where domestic violence is probably at the forefront of a lot of the work done.

My advice to you is to seek professional help, but with specialist help from people who help with victims of domestic abuse that will be able to do some educative work around domestic violence and get you through this.

I can say that you will get through this, it may be a long and painful road, but you will get there. I see women every day who have gone through horrific experiences and get through this.

If you would like to contact me privately, please do and I can direct you to where you may find some useful resources or send you materials that we use.

I wish you all the very best.

zedhead

Ok i still dont know where to start looking for counselling, but thanks to all your help i made a really big step tonight, i told them i wasnt ok and that i needed help and was considering counselling. They were both so brilliant and knew without me saying that it was because of my ex. We have had a couple of drinks, but one of my friends said she will not forget this and help me get the help i need. Im just scared that even if i go see a counseller i'll just sit there and not say a word, ive never said it aloud and im so scared i wont be able to...

Sleepy

zedhead, then print off your first post here and bring it with you.

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

sam34

hey there op. i've been in somewhat of a similar situation, altho not as bad as you. i was with a total psychopath who was lying, controlling, possessive, manipulative, threatening etc etc etc. like you,i felt in an impossible situation and felt i had no way of leaving, no matter how bad things got.
what eventually turned things for me was a time when a close family member had died (unexpectedly) and a sibling was very sick in hospital. i needed to be with my family at that time, as you can imagine, but this didnt suit my ex and he behaved like a spoiled child when i went to my family, and kept sending me stupid horrible texts while i was there, and as soon as i returned he demanded sex.

i remember thinking "why cant he understand i need to be with my family", it really was the straw that broke the camels back. i remembered a piece of advice my father always gave me - "look after number one" (ie yourself). i kept repeating that advice to myself, and that if i didint look after myself, nobody else would. nobody else will make me a priority in their lives, i have to be the priority in mine. i realised that this guy was making me neglect myself and my family, and that he did not have my interests at heart.

thats what gave me the push and the ability to go.

good luck op.

bored and tired

http://www.osscork.ie/
this centre provides a really good confidential service for battered women., my gp referred me years ago and they were lovely and helped build up my self esteem, dealt with all the issues i had been through, broke through the memories untill i stopped having nightmares, They also gave me the strength and courage to face him every month to pursue all the legal sides of things that i had todo aswell, If you are in the cork area, please give them a call, or ask your gp for centres near to you.

if it werent for them i wouldnt be who i am today, have the life, partner, child and home that i have, i wouldnt have the strength to work or go out. Im not yet recovered, i still see him in strangers on the street sometimes and start to have a panic attack, but i know how to control and stop it and not it control me.

I know that there are still some details nearly 10 years on that at some stage i will have to confront properly, but acknowledging my past, without thinking about it is all i am willing to spend energy on, i have too much in the here and now and the future to dwell on the past.

I hope that you can work through your current trials to see yourself through to a new begining. Please keep talking here or pm me if you want, but do talk and start getting things out into the open. Its the only way to start healing and rebuilding what he took away from you.

zedhead

I'm already begining to regret saying anything to those 2 friends the other night. All i told them was that i wasnt ok and i thought i needed help. One of them is good at things like this, she is a social worker so knows not to push for information, but she kinda said she's just going to randomly ask everynow and then until im ready for her to help me find the help i need. The other friend is really the one i regret saying anything to, she is now looking at me different, like she is scared to say certain things. Like bringing ti up when we were in the cinema last night. I'm meant to be going away with them next weekend and i dont want them to bring this up and make the weekend about it. I know i need to talk about it, i just cant, and especially not with them. Im scared ill never be able to talk about it, and i cant imagine just sitting with a stranger not being able to say anything, in fact i couldnt imagine anything worse. All the responses here have been so fantastic, im just not ready to go any further then this yet!

RedXIV

Be fair zedhead, What you've told them will change things, imagine if one of them had told you something similar, any good friend would be worrying about them. Friends are supposed to be there for the good and the bad but its very rare that we're expected to do something for the bad. As a result, people may not use the tact you'd appreciate, they may do things that aren't helping you but remember, they are your friends and they are trying.

For this weekend, suck it up and tell them you don't want anything mentioned, they aren't going to be able to read your mind, tell them you want a weekend off from all problems. And believe me, as friends, they will do what they can to keep you happy.

Also, i know how hard it is to make the transition from merely typing up problems here to actually going to a councillor for help, but it is an important step, one that the sooner you make, the sooner you'll be back on track.

Best of luck OP

Red

MJOR

They aren't looking at you differently Zed.... Just your situation if that makes sense.

Explain that you want this to be a carefree weekend....The worst thing you can do is talk about it with a few bevvies on board.
Emotion is hard when there is no drink involved.

You were right to confide in them and I think they are just trying to let you know you can.........