Never Had An Orgasm...

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone,

I'm a fairly regular poster here but like many others have decided to go annon for this one!

I'm 23 (female) and was a virgin until I was 21. Then I met and started going out with my current boyfriend. We have been sleeping together for the past two years and to this day I still havent had an orgasm.
While this doesnt bother me; I enjoy sex always with him, it seems to have become an issue for him!

He told me the other night that every time we sleep together it is a knock to his confidence as I never climax. He has had a few partners in the past and he added that he has never had to spend more than ten minutes with them before they have climaxed.

I understand where he is coming from but I now feel like I have to orgasm so he wont feel like this anymore, If I had ever had one before Id nearly fake it! I know thats not a solution but he seems to think that it matters to me! Im happy enough witht the way things are at the moment-and when It happens for me then great!

I feel like theres this pressure on me to have an orgasm now and I know that this is only going to make me less likely to climax as I will be thinking about it all the time!

I guess I dont really know what I want you guys to say here but any advice would help!
Particularly if you could offer me any idea on how to orgasm for the first time (apparently once you have one its easier to have more!) I dont masturbate or use vibrators (yet) - and suggestions are welcome!

Thanks for reading and sorry If I ranted on a little!
Cheers!

Sherifu

Your boyfriend is being a bit silly. While I can understand he'd like you to climax he shouldn't be forcing it either. Have you tried much on your own?

MistyCheese

At least you realise that the most important thing is to relax. You're less likely to orgasm if you're feeling stressed about it, whether it's your first time or your fiftieth.

As for practial solutions, the thing is that you have to find what works for you. Try out lots of different things and different positions. It might help if you were completely in control of the movements, that way you can keep the rhythm that's right for you.

It's good that you're not worried about it. I would strongly recommend against trying to fake it. If he did fall for it your boyfriend would think you two had found something that worked and that leads down a bad road. What happens the next time? Do you continue to fake? If not he'll probably ask what he's doing diferently, as he thinks you came when he did it before.

That's all I can say really, try lots of things and find out what works for you. No-one can tell you this as everyone is different. Masturbating is a good idea, as you will be focused completely on your own pleasure - and there's no pressure.

Miss Fluff

Conundrum wrote: »

Particularly if you could offer me any idea on how to orgasm for the first time (apparently once you have one its easier to have more!) I dont masturbate or use vibrators (yet) - and suggestions are welcome!

Get yourself to Ann Summers and get practising. It will be very difficult for your boyfriend to make you come if you can't do this for yourself. Go in and ask one of the girls which toy is a good one for you to start with and they will be able to advise you.

LegacyUser

Conundrum wrote: »

Hey Everyone,

I'm a fairly regular poster here but like many others have decided to go annon for this one!

I'm 23 (female) and was a virgin until I was 21. Then I met and started going out with my current boyfriend. We have been sleeping together for the past two years and to this day I still havent had an orgasm.
While this doesnt bother me; I enjoy sex always with him, it seems to have become an issue for him!

Yeah, its important both of you enjoy AND orgasm during sex.

Conundrum wrote: »

He told me the other night that every time we sleep together it is a knock to his confidence as I never climax. He has had a few partners in the past and he added that he has never had to spend more than ten minutes with them before they have climaxed.

Well I think most women find it difficult to orgasm with just penitration. So unless he was doing something with them differently Id say they perhaps faked it :-) (hee hee)

When you say "spend more than ten minutes with them before they have climaxed", do you mean (dont want to be rude) but touching you down there or just penetration ?

Conundrum wrote: »

I understand where he is coming from but I now feel like I have to orgasm so he wont feel like this anymore, If I had ever had one before Id nearly fake it! I know thats not a solution but he seems to think that it matters to me! Im happy enough witht the way things are at the moment-and when It happens for me then great!

If your happy well then tell him to chill. You could try a night "just for you", so no penetration at all.

Conundrum wrote: »

I feel like theres this pressure on me to have an orgasm now and I know that this is only going to make me less likely to climax as I will be thinking about it all the time!

I guess I dont really know what I want you guys to say here but any advice would help!
Particularly if you could offer me any idea on how to orgasm for the first time (apparently once you have one its easier to have more!) I dont masturbate or use vibrators (yet) - and suggestions are welcome!

Thanks for reading and sorry If I ranted on a little!
Cheers!

Oh hang on! are you saying you have never had an orgasm ? Its not a problem, but you should get yourself one :-)
vibrators -- work very well !! Not the big ones the small buzzie ones. In fact there is one at the counter in annsummers thats brill !! But even aapart from that just relax and spend some alone time with yourself and try it out. Once you know what you like it is way easier to have one with someone else then.

Wibbs

Well the OP says she doesn't so that's a start. A bit of self exploration will tell you what you're responses are and what you like. Women vary a lot in that, with some general basics at the core. You're dead right though, the more pressure you put on yourself and especially the pressure he puts on you will make it less and less likely.

It's quite common and you're not alone. It can be be for a load of reasons too. Not even obvious ones. I know one woman that didn't have orgasms by herself or with a guy. Then she met a guy, short term thing and then she had them. Lots of them. Now the joke is she said he wasn't good in bed and she fancied other men more before that, but for some reason it just happened with him. See what I mean? No obvious reason. Now when she did have them with that guy, they were so much easier to have after that. Once you climb that hill you'll be grand.

If you feel your orgasms are to do with what your partner "does" to you, that won't help. It's how you want your own sexual pleasure to come out is much more important. Your pleasure is as much if not more your own responsibility as his. His technique will have a part to play, but his patience and lack of pressure are far more important than any technique he picks up. You being comfortable with your own responses will help you along the way, but as I say if you don't feel free and secure because of pressure, you may have orgasms by yourself but with him it may prove difficult.

On the technique side, if he's treating your sexual responses like his own, it's a hiding to nothing. We all vary, men and women, but men's sexual responses are a lot simpler in general. Put it this way you'll never see an article in a mens magazine entitled "how to have an orgasm". Not really an issue. In fact in the majority of cases an article like that could be summed up with; turn up, get naked, see naked woman, engage said woman, wine and sexy music optional.:D

As I say men may have a tendency to see this as an engineering problem, rather than an emotional intimacy one. If you trust yourself and more to the point trust him and he makes you feel free to let go, then it's more likely to happen.

You also mention that you're happy with your sex life and that it's more an issue with him. You're right, in the sense that a lot of men if not most will judge their "performance" and manhood on the ability to give their partner an orgasm, even to the point where her take on it is secondary. Basically if you're happy so should he be.

Easy to say, harder to get across though, as he's probably spent his teenage years looking at porn(and even the ordinary media) where women are having screaming fits the second a guy touches them. Ahh if it was only that easy, I wouldn't even have to get undressed.:D

I reckon start by yourself. The internet and your body is at your fingertips so brush up on the basics. Try it out when you're alone and relaxed and see where that takes you. For the moment ignore the pressure from him if you can and enjoy the sex the way you have been. You could go the whole vibrator route and all that, but I suspect that you may feel uncomfortable going down that route. I would agree at this stage too. Start easy and just start basically. When you get there it'll be worth it.

MJOR

Well the pressure to have an O is a serious passion killer.... I was a late starter in that sense too...

Relax and maybe try pleasuring yourself because you can't tell him how to til you can yourself.

A trip to ann summers might not go astray....

Tell him mentioning previous partners isn't on....

Wibbs

OK I stand corrected.:D The women posters are suggesting the vibrator route and they know way more than me so..

easyontheeye

all women are different, hes abit of a fool if he thinks his sexual technique is a one size fits all. being together 2 years i imagine you have experimented and spent time trying to find that sweet spot? he should just persevere rather than moaning, thats never gonna help you or him, the more pressure he puts on you the less likely you will be comfortable and relaxed enough to have an orgasm

MJOR

Wibbs wrote: »

OK I stand corrected.:D The women posters are suggesting the vibrator route and they know way more than me so..

:D:D they are FAB

Nevyn

It's the art of the zen orgasm tbh, you have to let go in a controled way and let it happen.
It can be hard to figure it out if it hasn't already happened spontanously for you and using a vibrator to self stimulate and push yourself over the edge of that control threshold could be the very thing you need.

I would also suggest that you learn as much as you can about your body and start with the basics on what lies between your legs and your labia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRO0IIN_QE

If you don't want to go down the vibrator root you can get a stimulator that is not battery powered.

There is one which is marketed as the Vielle Stimulator
image: http://www.boots.com/images/product/1035558/eprod_mode1.jpg

It's a finger sleeve with bumps which are desgined to stimulate the nerve endings of the clitoris.
http://www.femail.com.au/vielle-stimulator.htm

Boots carry them, you will find them in the family planning section in a discrete white box with a lili on them.
http://www.boots.com/shop/product_details.jsp?productid=1035558&classificationid=1050039&slmRefer=
image: http://www.boots.com/images/product/1035558/ehero.jpg

Take your time make a date with yourself, have a bath relax, have a glass of wine and learn about yourself and your body.

Miss Fluff

Wibbs wrote: »

OK I stand corrected.:D The women posters are suggesting the vibrator route and they know way more than me so..

It is a good place to start although being overly ambitious and purchasing a super-dooper rampant rabbit probably isn't the best approach either. They are pretty cumbersome. Ask the girls for a nice descreet clitoral stimulator or invest in the clit kit which you can have hours of fun with:)

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

It's the art of the zen orgasm tbh, you have to let go in a controled way and let it happen.
It can be hard to figure it out if it hasn't already happened spontanously for you and using a vibrator to self stimulate and push yourself over the edge of that control threshold could be the very thing you need.

I would also suggest that you learn as much as you can about your body and start with the basics on what lies between your legs and your labia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRO0IIN_QE

If you don't want to go down the vibrator root you can get a stimulator that is not battery powered.

There is one which is marketed as the Vielle Stimulator
image: http://www.boots.com/images/product/1035558/eprod_mode1.jpg

It's a finger sleeve with bumps which are desgined to stimulate the nerve endings of the clitoris.
http://www.femail.com.au/vielle-stimulator.htm

Boots carry them, you will find them in the family planning section in a discrete white box with a lili on them.
http://www.boots.com/shop/product_details.jsp?productid=1035558&classificationid=1050039&slmRefer=
image: http://www.boots.com/images/product/1035558/ehero.jpg

Take your time make a date with yourself, have a bath relax, have a glass of wine and learn about yourself and your body.

That should be a sticky IMHO.

Nevyn

oh and don't forget yoru pelvic floor excerises they are not just for expectant mothers.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO00119

Finally, Kegel exercises — along with counseling and sex therapy — may be helpful to women who have persistent problems reaching orgasm.

How to do Kegel exercises

It may take diligence to identify your pelvic floor muscles and learn how to contract and relax them. Here are some pointers:

Find the right muscles
To make sure you know how to contract your pelvic floor muscles, try to stop the flow of urine while you're going to the bathroom. If you succeed, you've got the basic move. Or try another technique: Insert a finger inside your vagina and try to squeeze the surrounding muscles. You should be able to feel your vagina tighten and your pelvic floor move upward. Then relax your muscles and feel your pelvic floor move down to the starting position. As your muscles become stronger — and you become more experienced with the exercises — this movement will be more pronounced.

A cautionary note: Don't make a habit of starting and stopping your urine stream. Doing Kegel exercises with a full bladder or while emptying your bladder can actually weaken the muscles. It can also lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder, which increases your risk of a urinary tract infection.

If you're having trouble finding the right muscles, don't be embarrassed to ask your doctor for help. He or she can provide important feedback so that you learn to isolate and exercise the correct muscles.

Perfect your technique
Once you've identified your pelvic floor muscles, empty your bladder and get into a sitting or standing position. Then firmly tense your pelvic floor muscles. Try it at frequent intervals for five seconds at a time, four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions.

Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. To get the maximum benefit, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Also, try not to hold your breath. Just relax, breathe freely and focus on tightening the muscles around your vagina and rectum.

Repeat three times a day
Perform a set of 10 Kegel exercises at least three times a day. The exercises will get easier the more often you do them. You might make a practice of fitting in a set every time you do a routine task, such as checking e-mail or commuting to work.

You can also vary your technique. Try doing sets of mini-Kegels. Count quickly to 10 or 20, contracting and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles each time you say a number. Or slow it down, gradually contracting and releasing your pelvic floor muscles one time. As you contract, visualize an elevator traveling up four floors. At each floor, contract your muscles a little more until you reach maximum contraction at the fourth floor. Hold the contraction and then slowly release the tension as you visualize the elevator traveling back down. Repeat 10 times.

These excerises strengthen the muscles and develop them and increase the blood flow to the area which is what you are after and it also means you will be able to grip your partner and enjoy greater stimulus from penetrative sex.

MJOR

Thaedydal wrote: »

oh and don't forget yoru pelvic floor excerises they are not just for expectant mothers.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO00119



These excerises strengthen the muscles and develop them and increase the blood flow to the area which is what you are after and it also means you will be able to grip your partner and enjoy greater stimulus from penetrative sex.

They are important and you can do them anywhere

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

That should be a sticky IMHO.

Yes well all sex even by one's self if done properly ends up sticky

dblennon

"all women are different, hes abit of a fool if he thinks his sexual technique is a one size fits all. being together 2 years i imagine you have experimented and spent time trying to find that sweet spot? he should just persevere rather than moaning, thats never gonna help you or him, the more pressure he puts on you the less likely you will be comfortable and relaxed enough to have an orgasm "

I'll tell you though if I had been in a relationship for 2 years and hadn't brought her to the big O I wouldn't be feeling the best! any half decent guy really thinks that it is far more more enjoyable for her to go than it is for us.

My 2 cents

Nevyn

If a woman can't get there herself by what ever means chances are no one else is ever going to be able to make it happen.

Ruby-J

derfinately get something to stimulate yourself.

te best way for you to have one is on your own as there will be no one waiting and expecting it to happen for you.

Maddison

Hi OP,

I know exactly where you are coming from, I have never had an orgasm through sex with a partner, TBH I had my 1st one around about Christmas after a friend & I popped into Ann Summers, I bought a little thing called a rosebud. It is simply a clitoral stimulator but can also be used internally.
I havent gone back since!!!I was never into masterbation(sic??)but this has helped me find what works for me. Now I just have to tell the OH(if he listens!)Just a point to note though, not all guys like sex toys, mine actually had a strop over it & now it has to be hid.:D


Good luck & enjoy!!

courageoussteve

Ah give the guy a break, we're not all egos on legs. I think he's probablely worried that your not enjoying sex as much as he is and it making him feel selfish. From personal experience, i'd miss the sense of connection I get with the gf if we orgasm at the same time. (:D all round = :D:D)
Just my two cent.

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes well all sex even by one's self if done properly ends up sticky

Oh god.:D even as I was typing it....

If a woman can't get there herself by what ever means chances are no one else is ever going to be able to make it happen.

Funny enough I've known one who had her first with someone else. It took the responsibility away from her and that relaxed her it seems. I know another that can't by herself but can with a partner.

Maddison wrote:

Now I just have to tell the OH(if he listens!)Just a point to note though, not all guys like sex toys, mine actually had a strop over it & now it has to be hid.

Silly but true. Some blokes would be very uptight at the idea that they "can't do it" for the woman like the OP's guy. Throw in a toy and they then think they're replaceable.

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh god.:D even as I was typing it....

Can't help myself, but I'd like to think I am at least more Nanny Ogg / Mae West then Dr Ruth

Wibbs wrote: »

Funny enough I've known one who had her first with someone else. It took the responsibility away from her and that relaxed her it seems.

But if that is not naturally and involuntarily happening ( esp after 2 years ) then no matter how hard a partner works on her chances are she won't get there.

Wibbs wrote: »

I know another that can't by herself but can with a partner.

Personally I don't see that as healthy unless with in the bonds of a D/s relationship and she has handed that over voluntarily.

Sorry but that just really doesn't makes sense to me at all and dont' know how a person could endure that, it's my cúnt and my orgasms and I would say there is a big difference between sharing that those with someone and making them responsible for them.

Wibbs wrote: »

Some blokes would be very uptight at the idea that they "can't do it" for the woman like the OP's guy. Throw in a toy and they then think they're replaceable.

Vibrators don't do post coital hugs or tell a woman she is beautiful.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for your comments so far guys! Im starting to lean towards this vibrator route. I know my boyfriend wouldnt have a problem with it, in fact he suggested it to me before but I said that I would like to have my first one with him (that probably sounds really gay, but there ye go)

As I have said above I do understand how he might be feeling about the whole thing but I have reassured him on numerous occasions that I really enjoy sex even though I have never climaxed!

I think that I will try a vibrator and see how I get on, because this (I know it probanly seems like a really tiny problem in the grand scheme of things) but it has been playing on my mind for a long time now and If it can be resolved that would be great!

Any more comments/suggestions would be great, or if anyone has been or is in kind of the same boat as me would be great to see that I'm not the only one!

Nevyn

You could use a vibe or stimulator together as a couple that way he could still be part of that first experience for you.

MistyCheese

OP, another thing that might put you at ease. I was a "slow starter" but these days I climax more often than not. Often twice in one sitting.

Maybe you'll be the same.

Have fun.

SarahSassy

Thaedydal wrote: »

Vibrators don't do post coital hugs or tell a woman she is beautiful.

Contrary to popular belief, sometimes we think thats a good thing They dont steal the duvet and snore in your ear either

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote: »

But if that is not naturally and involuntarily happening ( esp after 2 years ) then no matter how hard a partner works on her chances are she won't get there.

I agree.

Personally I don't see that as healthy unless with in the bonds of a D/s relationship and she has handed that over voluntarily.

In a way she did. She needed to at the time. Without going into too much detail, she had a lot of issues surrounding sex and for the first time in her life she had met someone she could let go with and let those issues go, through him, if you know what I mean. She's fine now though.

Sorry but that just really doesn't makes sense to me at all and dont' know how a person could endure that, it's my cúnt and my orgasms and I would say there is a big difference between sharing that those with someone and making them responsible for them.

I agree. I would be of the same opinion. I would also be of the opinion whatever floats your boat. People differ and it could be argued that orgasm and sexuality in women can be a complex event(especially early on) and as a complex event the methods of getting there and enjoying sex may be equally complex and equally different for many women. Some women(and men) aren't very sexual. Either at all or at different stages in their lives or with particular partners. If they and their partners are happy with that then I say good luck.

I've known women who were highly sexual and sexually informed and sexually fully responsible for their(and their partners) sexuality. I've also known women at the other end of that spectrum. Some weren't happy, but some where. If they were well matched with a partner, then they were happy. I've known women in the first group who were badly matched with a partner who weren't happy and women in the second who were.

Indeed the OP could be more in the latter category. She has told her boyfriend and us that she's happy with her sex life at the moment and the only issue for her at the moment is the pressure from her partner to have orgasms(and natural curiosity). She may in time, at her own pace become highly orgasmic and that would be a good thing for her to fully explore that part of her, when she's ready. If not then if she's happy with that, good for her.

It could be all too easy to replace one pressure from her boyfriend with other pressures. What may be something that may be an endurance to me or you, may just be what someone else is happy with.

Vibrators don't do post coital hugs or tell a woman she is beautiful.

If they did blokes would be boned(or not).:D

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

In a way she did. She needed to at the time. Without going into too much detail, she had a lot of issues surrounding sex and for the first time in her life she had met someone she could let go with and let those issues go, through him, if you know what I mean. She's fine now though.

Sexual healing can take many forums.

SarahSassy

Thaedydal wrote: »

Sexual healing can take many forums.

Thaedydal, are you totally indoctrinated to boards.ie??

Don't you mean forms instead of forums???

Nevyn

No SarahSassy I have dyslexia.

Now back on topic.

seahorse

There is a problem with having your first orgasm Conundrum; I'm in my thirties and didn’t have my first one till I was well into my twenties, and it wasn’t until after I did that I finally bloody cracked it. Here goes: Most women assume an orgasm starts in the body, but it doesn’t, it starts in the mind.

I was all this time masturbating expecting something to happen in my body but I hadn’t engaged my brain; I hadn’t got the eroticism going in my mind, so how in hell was I supposed to orgasm? lol. It all seems so simple now, but it didn’t at the time. What you've got to do is engage your mind before you even think about picking up that vibrator (or going manual, as I do myself; I can’t stand those buzzy things!) But whatever works for you physically, do not begin until your body is crying out to be touched, until you are already highly aroused. I'm sure some women are able to arouse themselves through physical stimulation alone, but the strongest most powerful orgasms you'll ever have alone will be the ones that follow a period of erotic musing and fantasising.

It may not work first time, but persevere, because it will, and when it does then you'll be ready to share this with your partner; and on the subject of your partner, I'd advise you to tell to cop the fuk on, because applying psychological pressure to a person to orgasm is the surest way of seeing to it that they don’t.

LegacyUser

Had my first orgasm in the last couple of months,(my late twenties), and can confirm what seahorse says. Engage the brain, I used some erotic literature, have a look at[nsfw] www.clitical.com[nsfw]. After the first they all seem to be much much easier, haven't yet used a vibrator but looking forward to it!

LegacyUser

I didn't have an O until I was 21, and believe me it was frustrating for my partner at the time, but I did kegel, tried to work out my issues with putting sex on a pedestal, and decided that there are too many boundaries put up by society for sex, and Ireland is one of the worst offenders of this.
Also make sure you are comfortable about your environment. If you're worried about people hearing you, or people coming home then go somewhere where you can be private. Make sure you are happy with yourself, I find if I don't feel very sexy that day, I have trouble reaching climax. Have a bath, face pack, and all kinds of pampering on a day you know you'll both be alone, not tired, and even add a few drinks to the mix to relax you. And make sure your partner is making it clear how sexually attractive you are to them. If they are not doing this, then it is no wonder you are not enjoying yourself enough to climax!
And by the sounds of it, you sound like you might feel jealous of your bf's previous sexual experiences, which you should not. Sex is an expression from the body, noone can tell you how to do it the way you naturally will anyway, for instance I've had more sexual partners than my bf but I feel that he is the more experienced one, but I don't feel bad about this because I'm still learning, and I'm understanding as I go along what works for us as a couple.

LegacyUser

In my twenties, could well have posted this myself.

But through masturbation, learnt what worked for me, and could recreate either with fingers or vibrator (don't rely on too much as you get lazy). Usually was add-on after partner had come.

Last year, had sex with partner - as I have done thousands of times before - and came during sex. It was great. even ejaculated which I thought was a myth. Able to recreate lots since. Once it happens a lot easier to happen again! Now every time is practically a guarantee. Amazing, literally saw stars afterwards.

Marksie

two separate and distinct issues here TBH and a third thats connected

1) The pressure to ahve an orgasm, not becuase you want one but because your b/friend feel he isnt doing his manly duties if you dont have one.
In my mind, saying all my others have orgasms..etc. Is a big no-no.
The presssure now must be unbearable.
This isnt your issues its his and his attitude.
Squeeze a, rub B and tweak C, does not work for everyone. Rather than intimating that it must be you in entirety he muts look at what he is actually doing... if he is following and established patterm of A, B, C. He simply isnt listening to your bodies responses.

2) your bodies responses:
If you have never masturbated then how do you know your own. Again, i will say that initially teh vibratior route i would not suggest as the ideal way to start.
You do not know your own erogenous zones (not just the obvious but all the other) you dont know your genital anatomy, how you respoond to degrees of pressure speed location etc. A vibrator simply isnt sensitive enough and wont tell you enough.
Your fingers are an ideal medium for doing this.
My advice? Have along warm bath. Feel good about yourself, settle in for the night and begin to explore every inch of your body before going south.
Take time to learn about it and dont expect to orgams, but exlpore yoursefl, where feels nice, where doesnt. Use massage oil on the body and a good quality sensual lubricant on the genital areas.
Also getting out of your own head... seahorse has the right of it there as well. Dont strain or pressure toi have the O and it will ciome..focus and worry and it wont.

Another reason for not using a vibrator is in the end the fact that your B/friend is going to be the one who wants to do this, by himself..not with plastic. So in learning about your own ecstatic response you will know whihc works and whihc doesn't... whihc leads rather nicely to point 3.

3) communication.
How can you tell your boyfriend what does it for you if you dont know yourself (see point 2).
How can your boyfriend actually learn if he doesn't listen and isnt open to the fact that everyone is different.(see point 1)
How can you both relax and let it happen when the pressure is on you both.
Simple communication by your b/friend is a start...here, faster slower etc. juts needing simple yes no answers. Effective knoledge of your own physiology and response is another.

Take the pressure off and begin to communicate effectively both verbally and none verbally.
Your byfriend shuld be aware of the changes in your body as arousal occurs.
Of course i am here assuming that he is concentrating on non penetrative aspects..whihc is something that may not be the case... if it isnt then make it the case TBH

MJOR

one other thing.... if you are using a clitoral stimulator use a little KY jelly on it. It sort of makes it easier if its your first time. You've got a lot to look forward to:p