Trying to rebuild trust

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,

I found out a month ago that my fiance has been having an affair, which he says is now over, and he wants nothing to do with the person. The last month has been such a rollercoaster for me with alot of ups & downs, comings and goings - I really don't know where I am at.

At the moment we are kind of in limbo....not broken up but are broken up, I've agreed to speak to a professional about trying to rebuild trust and see if we can make it work, but I seem to have gotten stuck in a rut, in that I can't move on because I have gotten it into my head that I want all the msgs that were sent between them - I know these can be accessed from the network provider......I need to know what he was saying to her and what kind of affection was put in the msgs.....but he is not willing to do this as he doesn't see it as doing anything good for us.....Am I'm asking to much for this? I just feel, if there is/was affection in the msgs, then I don't want to move on with our relationship.

He has told me that he never felt anything for the girl and that it was just a panic that made him do it but I feel because the trust was broken that I need him to prove it and at this stage the only way I feel it can be proved is by getting the msgs for me.

Can trust really be rebuilt???

Wurly

I'm sorry OP, that's rotten.

Do you really want to marry someone who has had an affair? Does it matter if there was affection or not?

If there was then obviously this is bad.

If there wasn't, imo its just as bad. He had an affair with someone he didnt even like so much. What does that say about his level of respect and love for you? Why would he have an affair with someone he didn't even like??

If im being honest, I don't see how you can ever trust him again. If you marry him and he does it again, getting out of the relationship is far messier than walking away now.

You deserve better than this and you know you do.

Take care.x

SarahSassy

If it got to the point that he went as far as to get engaged to you and then had his first affair I would be very surprised... Chances are he has been playing offside all along... I hope I am wrong but there is a strong possibility this was not the first time.

On top of this, it was not a one night stand, he was in touch with her and asking her out... This is the total deal breaker for me... How can you ever trust a word he says again???

How did you find out about the affiar? How long was it going on for? Why did it start???

TBH, if he starts sleeping around at this stage there is little hope for a happy ever after....

You sound like a nice girl and you deserve better than a lifetime of worry and mistrust...

tinkerbell

If he won't show you the texts then alarm bells should be ringing. If helping you get over this means showing you the texts then he should want to show you those texts if it means you'll take him back. He won't show you them so he prob knows if you see them you'll end it completely.

Good luck with whatever you decide but I don't think I could take him back if I was in your position. A full blown affair is the biggest kick in the head to the person who is being cheated on.

estar

there is no point in having all the messages. it wont take away that he cheated. i have a question.

did you find him out or did he come to you and confess?

if you found him out - he will probably do it again.

if he came and confessed perhaps there is a chance for reconciliation. i would suggest a break for you and him. a complete break. then you both start again if you are able. take the summer off at least before you try again.

CathyMoran

I was in your position 5 years ago, except we split up afterwards and both saw other people. Looking back there were problems with our relationship, if he had not cheated we would have broken up in any case. We did get back after a few months but it took me a few years to get over the hurt. We are now very happily married. You can get past this but only if you both work on it and want to get past it - there may have been a problem in your relationship which will also need to be sorted - talking through all of this is very painful but worthwhile. You may just find out that you are not suited - that is OK also. You do need relationship councelling though.

I would not advise looking at the texts, they are in the past and you need to move on.

Best wishes.

seahorse

I would be of the mind that if he is not prepared to let you see exactly what went on then he is not to be trusted. I'm sorry my advice is so brief, but it is the best I can give, and I would honestly counsel you to take it; alongside pointing out that it is the same advice I would give to any of my sisters.

MJOR

Right there area few issues here. The worst thing you can do is to read those messages. It is likely that they will upset you beyond belief. Do you think you can move on without reading them?
The next question then is can you ever trust him again?
He has done a most despicable thing, endangering your mental and sexual health.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear that OP. I am a guy and the exact same thing happened to me, not too long ago. You need to move out straight away, for some space. He needs to feel like he's going to lose you. Because if he doesn't then it will only happen again.

After this, If you get back to a point where you want to give things another go, you need to find out why he strayed?

Sometimes things like this can make a relationship even stronger. But for the moment, as sick as you may feel, you do not need to see any messages. It's irrelevent really. It is possible to bebuild trust but it will only happen over time.

I hope it works out

meglome

Do not read the messages, this is not going to help in any way. You know he's had an affair so why put the knife into yourself. I could be wrong but the mobile networks keep a log of a message being sent but not what was actually in the message.

dudara

Forget about those messages. What you are doing right now is focussing on something that you know existed in their relationship. This needing to know the details that you are feeling is typical in a situation like this. Thinking about details is probably your minds way of distracting from the bigger problem.

Relationships can recover from infidelity, but it completely depends on the willingness of the two people to learn from the mistakes, and examine what was wrong in their relationship to begin with. It will also take an awlful lot of forgiveness from you, and a concious ability to bite your tongue when faced with the desire to drag up the past. You will have to decide together or separately if you are willing to forgive (unfortunately you'll never forget) and make it work again.

Mighty_Mouse

ok course there's affection in the text messages. How the hell could a guy get a girl into the sack without showing her some affection?
The point is whether you believe him when he says he felt nothing for her and it was just panick at the thoughts of marriage?
If you do and decide to forgive then you better be prepared to forget also.
ie. if into the future you keep dwelling on details then there's no point.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi Op,

So sorry to hear about whats happened.

Re the messages, its academic anyway as its unlikely the service provider will give your husband the messages even if he wants them.

As far as I know, correct me if Im wrong anyone, the only way they will garnish this type of data in a pretty serious criminal investigation eg murder etc

Anyway, I hope things look up soon for you.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your comments. Just to answer some of the questions askd.

I'm not living with him anymore. I haven't been since I found out, but we are in touch some are good days others are bad...(more bad than good). We are due to meet with Accord next week....not sure how that will go, as I've never been in a situation like that before.

He really is not all bad, well the guy that I knew anyway. Although I keep asking myself was I blind to this all along. He never went on a nights out or dates with this girl. She knew he was with me so she is not an innoncet tag along. What do women who get out of getting involved knowingly with a guy that is with someone else???....what are they that evil inside??

I just feel like Im not ready to give up on us yet, but still finding it extremely difficult to see an "us"!! If I was me 2mths ago and it was happening to someone else I'd tell them to go, so I don't know why now that I'm in the situation that I cant go....:(

SarahSassy

There are a number of questions as I mentioned before which could throw more light on this:

1. How did it start?
2. Did he tell you about the affair?
3. How long did it last?

To be brutally honest, the other woman is not your fiance and she did not cheat on you, your own fiance did. She had no right to do what she did, but which is the bigger evil - to cheat on your fiancee or so sleep with someone who is engaged? For me personally its the former..

Dont beat yourself up about not being able to make a decision. You dont need to yet. You are right about going to Accord and talking it through. The best service you can do to yourself is to take time to make any decision. Take plenty of time. You are young and another 6 months or 1 year wont make much difference in the grand scheme of things... This is a huge life upset and treat it with the seriousness it deserves....

If you are satisifed that this was a once off then there is hope. If there are any wedding cancellations / postponements I would let him do it... Dont upset yourself more by facing into that....

LegacyUser

Hi OP. You're in horrible situation, I sympathise. I've two things to say. First, I agree with SarahSassy - it's irrelevant how evil the other woman was: only one person in the situation had a responsibility to YOU, and that's your fiance. What you have to focus on is how trustworthy he is, how much can you believe his assurances that this will never happen again. I hope the counselling will help with that, and as others are saying, take your time, don't feel pressured into "forgiving" him too soon just because of the planned wedding or whatever.

Second thing is, we all know how many misunderstandings arise from text messages. People are always getting themselves into trouble with them, posting here about how to interpret them, sending them to the wrong people, reading their OH's messages and getting furious, etc etc. I think you'll have to acknowledge that reading the exchanges between your fiance and evil woman just won't help you in any way. There are too many ways to interpret everything said by text, and whether they were affectionate or purely sexual or purely meeting times and dates, none of it will really make you feel better. The affair is over now and what your fiance is saying to you now is what you need to listen to (not saying you should take it at face value or believe him!)

Good luck.

MagicMarker

I'm sorry, but if this was a full on affair that went on for long enough to sleep with each other multiple times then what the hell are you even thinking about this for?

Where is your self respect woman!?

Don't be a fool and get rid of this guy who obviously has no respect for you what so ever.

CathyMoran

When you are in the situation it is far harder to let go, I know and am glad that we gave it another try after fixing the problems in our relationship. I have forgiven him but as dudara says you never forget. I now have a relationship that I am very proud of, he stuck by me when most men would have walked and I have never been happier in my personal life. If you are meant to be with this guy you will be, fate and a lot of hard work brought us back together.