Engagement Question

worrier

Hi

I've recently decided to pop the big question to my girlfriend of 4 years. What I'm looking for people's opinions on (especially from the ladies) is to whether girls prefer to pick the ring themselves or like the traditional guy surprising them with a ring he has chosen.

My current intention is to pop the question on holiday with a ring which I would buy (hoping to surprise her). I've spent some time looking at rings and have seen one in particular which I thought was very nice and she would like (I have a decent idea of her taste but she has never really dropped any hints with regard to ring preferences). She's always loved any jewellery I've bought for her before but obviously a diamond ring is a different ball park altogether. Going for a platinum solitaire possibly with subtle diamond shoulders.

Anyway the other main option I was considering was to buy a cheap token ring to propose with and then we could go someone together for her to pick the real ring she wanted (possibly even abroad to somewhere like Antwerp or NYC where I've heard there's huge savings).

I know this is a matter of individual taste but I'm just looking to get a general idea of whether girls would prefer the guy to have picked out a ring for them (i.e. whether this is still considered part of the romance of the proposal - would also have a ring to show off as soon as she got home) or whether they'd prefer to pick it themselves.

I would like to keep the proposal as a big surprise and the only other people who know my plans are my brother and sister in law.

Any input would be much appreciated.

valz_walsh

Personally, Id prefer the big surprise with the actual ring. Ideally Id prefer if my boyfriend got in touch with my best friend and they went shopping together for a ring, or if she had a look at the ring he had picked out to get her opinion on it. Could you ask your sister in law to take a look at the ring?

Im sure what ever way you do decide to do it will be fine. She's marrying you, not the ring.


Good luck.

username123

Id absolutely hate to be presented with a ring that himself had chosen.

He did propose last year and we went off ring shopping together and it was great fun - as well as me being able to choose what I liked.

What surprised me more than anything was that styles I thought Id love didnt look nice on my hand and the one I chose in the end was not anything like Id had in mind.

If he'd turned up with the ring Id have felt I had to stick with his choice - but a ring is for life, so if she doesnt love the style she's stuck with it!

I love your idea of a token ring and then going off to get the real thing.

This might be of interest to you - if you google Hollywood Collection you will find a site that sells costume copies of famous ladies rings, you could get her a fake marilyn monroe diamond for the proposal itself - theyre not that expensive, Ive gotten some rings there for 40 or 50 dollars and they are great as costume jewellery.

Anyway its a personal thing, maybe she'd love a proposal with you having the ring ready - I wouldnt.

Himself told me after that it was his nana who told him to let the lady choose the ring - so I have her to thank

oh one other thing - it was a week or so between proposal and ring shopping for me and we loved having a secret for the week, the two of us were like excited puppies, dying to tell all but waiting on the ring - so the anticipation of doing the ring shopping was great too - the buddhists say anticipation is the true happiness too

Good luck with it, come back and tell us what you decided to do!!

ChocolateOrange

I was given a token ring and then we went shopping for the ring which was so much fun! Also I was surprised at what rings suited me and which didn't. A ring that looks great off may just not suit the persons hand - things like the width of the band have to be considered as well as the style of the ring.

boogle

Buying one yourself might seem like the romantic thing to do, but she has to have that on her finger for the rest of her life. My boyfriend proposed when we were on holiday, and we got the ring designed and made while on holiday. It's a good idea to do all while on a trip away: Propose, without ring. She says yes and next day you go ring shopping. This works well because she will get to pick her own ring AND have the ring to show everyone when you get home.

worrier

Thanks for the replies

Does seem to definitely be a matter of taste (which doesn't help me much) although at least I know there's positives for both options (i.e. that if I do decide to buy a ring myself that women generally appreciate the romantic gesture in that).

We're going to South Africa which raises a few reservations. Firstly, if I buy a ring here and bring it over there is the risk of losing it (and while crime over there is exaggerated at times it's a reality and a shiny diamond ring is bound to attract attention).

Also while I know that SA is the home of most diamonds it's also a bit of a minefield so I'd be a bit dodgy about buying one there unless I really knew my stuff.

As for the idea of getting her best friend to help pick it, I'd worry it would ruin the surprise a little (I want to have as little people as possible know about it until it happens) and maybe this is harsh but I'd also worry that she might let something slip out especially given the length of time between now and then. Getting my sister in law to have a look might be a good idea though.

Am leaning towards the token ring option at the moment.

Thanks for the advice

girliegirl

I loved getting the ring and it's even better knowing that it's the same ring my OH proposed with.

Saying that, it would be a completely different story if i had hated the ring, as much as he kept telling me that i could bring it back if i didnt like it, i would have felt really guilty if i didnt like it and wanted to change it.

I suppose I'm just lucky that my OH has good taste... and can take "subtle" hints

Here's an idea, why dont you look for an "engagement-ish" type ring but thats made from sterling silver (like a cheaper one but not a Claire's Accessories one that makes her finger green) and propose with that. That means you have the ring to propose with... AND it also means that she can wear it and "feel engaged" til she gets her actual ring... AND it means she can keep it, and wear it when her ring is getting cleaned etc before the wedding, and it will mean something.

bensoneb

I agree with most of the girls and was really glad that I was proposed to without a ring. It's for life so I definately wanted to have a hand in choosing the ring. We got engaged in Mexico and made a week long occasion of it as there were a few days between the proposal, the purchase of the ring and when I actually wore it for the first time on Christmas Day.

Choosing the ring together was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life and I'm so glad that it happened this way. And to another point, what I ended up with was nothing like I would have chosen before we shopped so that's another reason not to buy it beforehand.

Glad you decided not to go with the best-friend idea, I'd be really upset it I thought that someone else chose my ring.

Best of luck to you and your fiance-to-be and I hope it's a fantastic occasion for both of you.

JohnBoy

maybe I'm old fashioned but I'm totally in favour of you buying the ring yourself in advance.

I just think it takes some of the good out of it, going into a shop and saying "here's x euro, buy whatever you want, I'm going to easons and HMV and sure I'll meet you here in an hour"

(i know thats not exactly how it goes, but to me it may as well be)

kinda like giving an engagement voucher as opposed to an actual gift.

no offence intended to the ladies who's partners have gone the other way, but thats just me.

username123

JohnBoy wrote: »

I just think it takes some of the good out of it, going into a shop and saying "here's x euro, buy whatever you want, I'm going to easons and HMV and sure I'll meet you here in an hour"

Each to their own and all that but I just thought Id mention - its not like that AT ALL.

You go to the shop as a couple, you get brought into fancy room, offered tea/coffee/water/sweeties etc...
Someone chats to both of you about what style you'd like, then they go off and bring back many different types. They go off a few times to get new stuff for you to try, meanwhile yourself and himself are excitedly discussing options, there is usually a mirror on the wall for you to stand up and check your hand etc...

Its an occasion.
Myself and himself dressed up for it and everything, and then after some of the above went for a romantic meal and discussed what we would do, which I preferred, did I want to continue looking etc....

Eventually choice is made and back to shop for more being treated like a queen and purchase made.

Its a fantastic experience - its just fun, and you'd be so surprised how styles you thought you liked dont actually suit your hand etc...

I agree there is a nice romantic aspect of him picking it but getting to do it together is an experience Im glad I didnt miss out on.

esharknz

I got proposed to with a dress ring (one that's very nice and I wear quite often). Then we went out shopping to find the proper ring. I know of one other person who actually has done this also.

username123

esharknz wrote: »

I got proposed to with a dress ring (one that's very nice and I wear quite often). Then we went out shopping to find the proper ring. I know of one other person who actually has done this also.

Lovely idea - I should have implanted that notion in his mind before he popped the question

Johnee

This is very much and each to their own question but when I was proposing, I had the ring designed and made myself. To me (and this is not a dig at anyone else who has done it differently), it just seemed a bit off not to. Its one of the few really significant gestures you can make and I think its nice to do it in a personal way with something you've picked out yourself. I woudnt worry about the reaction - to me, it would seem extremely mercenary for a girl to turn around and be more concerned with the ring than the fact that you'd asked her to spend the rest of your lives together. Its a symbol, and I think it should be as personal a symbol as you can make it. Otherwise, it just seemed to me like you were providing nothing more personal than your cheque book! As I said, it very much different for different people but my fiancee was thrilled that Id gone to all the effort myself to do it.

If you're going to SA, there is a possible compromise - I know a friend of mine proposed out there and what he had done was sorted it all out in advance with a diamond place, picked out the diamond and all that (so you weren't running into the awkward issues of how much you were spending on it, or what she can pick, etc) and then she was able to choose the setting (a lot of places that specialise, be it in SA or elsewhere outside Ireland, will have a set price for the ring itself so can pick any style she wants, or have one made up to her own design).


One word of advice though if you are choosing yourself - dont go for anything too extreme. And obviously be aware of whether she normally wears gold or silver/platinum - some girls will only wear the one.

What you've described above sounds really lovely.

Best of luck!

Pherekydes

Good to read the differing opinions in this thread. I'm leaning towards buying the ring myself. The timing of the proposal and the ring are the only things I can control. I'd just like to catch her off guard, if that's possible after 18 years, and already having the ring might make it more special for her. I've bought her rings in the past and I've always come up trumps, so I'm thinking of going for it.

Like the OP, I'm strongly considering a platinum solitaire, too.

/looks like I'll be a frequent visitor to this forum in the near future.

Best of luck whatever you decide!

Personally I'd rather choose the ring myself. I don't wear jewellery ordinarily and I'm a firm believer in trying things on to see what they're like.
I've never bought an item of clothing without trying it on first, so I'd like some input into something I'd be wearing for the rest of my life.

I'm also very active so would have to try different settings to know if I'd feel secure wearing the ring all the time.
My OH has great taste but he won't be the one wearing it...!

There's nothing mercenary about it. I wouldn't buy him a car without knowing he had at least driven it before.

The ring is a symbol, of course, but wouldn't it be nice to know it's EXACTLY what she wants?

clee1402

Hi,

Well I just got engaged on Friday night and I had the best of both worlds.We actually had my ring custom made in NYC and of couse I was completely involved in it. My bf knew that I would want to be involved in picking it and I don't think he wanted the pressure of choosing it all by himself. A family friend was bringing it back for us but our designer contacted me to say it was delayed by a couple of weeks and I was running around trying to get someone else to collect it.

Turns out it was all a big story and my boyfriend had gotten the ring when originally planned and he surprised me with a proposal on Friday night. I was so shocked, I kept saying "how did you do that" and "how did you get it" I nearly forgot to say "YES"

Anyway what ever you choose to do all the best and enjoy!

C