Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest
I Just Wrote This ...
-
24-06-2008 6:28pm#1
Comments
-
-
-
-
-
-
Advertisement
-
-
-
-
-
-
Advertisement
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Gross Halfwit wrote: »Well funny that you should say that Seahorse as I had written another stanza but upon reading it over & over again it just didnt sit well with the rest of the piece.
I felt like I had more to say on the subject but what I wrote just wasn't as good as the rest, you know? And it was mired in cliches & it was just out & out anger , I suppose. It loses the metaphor a little & if i tried to tinker with it it would start to be false to me. Does that make sense or am I sounding pretentious?
Anyway, heres the verse so you can judge for yourself but I don't really like it;
You're not the girl you said you were, you were running 'round,
Fell for your lies,
Made me despise,
So bring the curtain down.
It doesn't really sit with me that well ... thoughts?
Yes I see what you're saying. No, you're not coming off as pretentious; you started with metaphor and allegory so of course you need to stick with it otherwise the whole thing just comes undone. I'd finish it off with something roughly along these lines: (Sorry I haven’t longer to think something up, but this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.)
You weren’t who you said you were
So it was you and me
Playing different roles in different acts
That didn’t fit, you see.
Now all the seats are empty
I’m alone here on the stage
The spent tickets on the carpet are
From an entirely different play
I think you kind of need to get the sense across here that the protagonist has been duped; that he was involved in something he didn’t see for what it was till it was over, and that he is embittered about that. And yeah, it can be a bit of a high-wire act, trying to get the balance right between conveying a message and laying it on with a trowel! – and of course it can also be difficult to be objective when it comes to your own work.
I think you should go a little further with it, another stanza or two, because I didn’t really 'get' it until another poster asked for clarification you explained it. I think a piece should be able to paint a definitive picture in the readers mind, with no need for clarifications – but the good news is I definitely think you're more than capable of doing that!
0 -
Yes I see what you're saying. No, you're not coming off as pretentious; you started with metaphor and allegory so of course you need to stick with it otherwise the whole thing just comes undone. I'd finish it off with something roughly along these lines: (Sorry I haven’t longer to think something up, but this is the kind of thing I'm talking about.)
You weren’t who you said you were
So it was you and me
Playing different roles in different acts
That didn’t fit, you see.
Now all the seats are empty
I’m alone here on the stage
The spent tickets on the carpet are
From an entirely different play
I think you kind of need to get the sense across here that the protagonist has been duped; that he was involved in something he didn’t see for what it was till it was over, and that he is embittered about that. And yeah, it can be a bit of a high-wire act, trying to get the balance right between conveying a message and laying it on with a trowel! – and of course it can also be difficult to be objective when it comes to your own work.
I think you should go a little further with it, another stanza or two, because I didn’t really 'get' it until another poster asked for clarification you explained it. I think a piece should be able to paint a definitive picture in the readers mind, with no need for clarifications – but the good news is I definitely think you're more than capable of doing that!
Wow, thanks a lot for that. I see what you're saying. I especially like thewse two lines ;
The spent tickets on the carpet are
From an entirely different play
I'll work some more on it but I'm of the stream of consciousness school of poetry & don't really like going back to add anything after I'm done but I honestly feel liek i have something else to add. I'll go away & think about it & see what I come up with. Thanks.0 -
Gross Halfwit wrote: »I'll work some more on it but I'm of the stream of consciousness school of poetry & don't really like going back to add anything after I'm done but I honestly feel liek i have something else to add. I'll go away & think about it & see what I come up with. Thanks.
No probs; happy writing!
0 -
Advertisement
-
-
-
Great poem. There is real attitude in the poem. It has brilliant 'character'. Pardon the pun. Short, snappy and very effective. I can see where you are coming from thinking it is lacking a few lines to finish it or perhaps just to pad it but I also quite like the fact that the readers have to pad the story for themselves. It means the poem can be interpreted and enjoyed by such a range of people. I'm glad I read this poem. Thanks for sharing 0
-
-
Advertisement