Friendship, trust and awkwardness. Advice please. ;)

anonymous_joe

Alright, to cut a long story relatively short, I was going out with a girl for almost a year. We loved each other, etc. Due to various misunderstandings and complications (long distance didn't help :pac: ) the relationship ended.

Anyway, we spent a long time avoiding each other, and intermittently arguing. Despite the usual moving on carry-on, there's still obviously a lot of emotional pain, confusion and so on mixed up with affection.

Basically though, it's the confusion that I'm here about. We've started talking again a little bit lately, but I'd like people's on advice on what to do. In essence, how should we approach this? Because we'd both like to be friends again, and start fixing things, but I'm worried about messing up. So yeah, advice... Pretty please? ^^

Wibbs

I would say don't even bother unless you're both on the same page. I've read your stuff here before and I don't think you'e over her. Not even close. You've probably still got her in your thoughts more than you should for "just a friend". Correct me if I'm wrong.

If you're still holding a candle for her, it won't be friendship as there will be that issue looming in the background. What happens if she starts going with someone else? will you sit there moping in the background or god forbid advising her on her new relationship? Eh no. Not healthy.

If you really want to be friends and just friends well then I would break contact, move on and when you have moved on and maybe are even loved up with someone else then try and see where friendship takes you.

Yes exes can be friends, but only if both have moved on. I personally don't think you have.

Gross Halfwit

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes exes can be friends, but only if both have moved on. I personally don't think you have.

+1 Nothing more to add.

anonymous_joe

Well thanks for the feedback.

I just discovered in the past couple of weeks that she's not over me, and yeah, I'm not over her either. Somewhat messy.

I think you're right. At the end of the day, there's plenty of time for things to calm down, and if I make sure both she and I get some space then maybe we'll be able to approach things more sensibly and less emotionally.

But yeah, thanks for the advice. I'll stick to it.

MIN2511

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Well thanks for the feedback.

I just discovered in the past couple of weeks that she's not over me, and yeah, I'm not over her either. Somewhat messy.

I think you're right. At the end of the day, there's plenty of time for things to calm down, and if I make sure both she and I get some space then maybe we'll be able to approach things more sensibly and less emotionally.

But yeah, thanks for the advice.

Being friends with the EX is always difficult and i agree with Wibbs, it doesn't seem like any of you have moved on

I'll stick to it.

Would you stick to the advice? Part of the human nature is that we are all vulnerable, sometimes we can control it and sometimes we can't.
It would be hard for you to stay away from each other, what you have to do is discuss this with her and explain your reasons for staying away from each other and in a few months reevaluate the situation

Wibbs

anonymous_joe wrote: »

I just discovered in the past couple of weeks that she's not over me, and yeah, I'm not over her either. Somewhat messy..

I'd say so. Now when you say not over you, do you mean that she still has feelings for you, or that it's just raw at the moment? For your own sake don't mistake the two. Easy way to tell; if she's not over you she would be under you or making inroads towards that end. Crude I agree but actions speak louder than words. If I kick you in the nuts and then tell you "I love you Joe", which bit do you believe?

I think you're right. At the end of the day, there's plenty of time for things to calm down, and if I make sure both she and I get some space then maybe we'll be able to approach things more sensibly and less emotionally.

Only without contact for a good while IMHO.

Unlike MIN2511(and I would rarely disagree with her take on things), I would not discuss this. The time for discussion is over. Make the stand on your own and just stop contact. If she contacts you then tell her that while you didn't agree with her at the time, you do now and you need to move on with your life and wish her the best. End of. If she's truly a friend she'll get that and leave you to it.

MIN2511

Wibbs wrote: »

Unlike MIN2511(and I would rarely disagree with her take on things), I would not discuss this. The time for discussion is over. Make the stand on your own and just stop contact. If she contacts you then tell her that while you didn't agree with her at the time, you do now and you need to move on with your life and wish her the best. End of. If she's truly a friend she'll get that and leave you to it.

I get what you mean Wibbs, when i mean discuss i mean he needs to tell her that he can't deal with this now rather than ignore her.
Discuss; would me more like
Him: am sorry but i really don't think we can be friends there's too much emotion involved. Maybe in a few months we can be friends but not now

Gina Brel

Agree with others.Try to end contact.There's no way either of ye can move on if ye're ooing and aahing about it.
'Whats for you wont pass you',or so the saying goes.
It'll get messy or is ,if ye are still having sex,or whatever.Trust me on this one unless you want to feel messed up.

MJOR

Would you like to be going out with her again?

anonymous_joe

Would I still like to go out with her?

Well the reasons we went out in the first place are still there. But given what happened, I wouldn't ever go with her unless we were able to start afresh, and move on from all of this.

As for whether I think she's trying to hurt me, no. She's been pretty ill, overworked and overstressed lately. Doubt she'd have the energy to try, even if she wanted to.

Above all else, if she wanted me gone, she could cut all contact with me pretty easily, and I could do the same to her. So if it was a case of there being no feelings for each other, that would have happened.

I would like us to be able to be friends. So would she, but she's got no idea what to do, other than an expressed desire to wait things out and be friends then.

anonymous_joe

Yeah, you're right. Things need time to calm down, she's still very emotional. Best to let her work out what she wants on her own.

x-katz-x

Hi im sort of in the same situation as you and i agree with Wibbs on this. You see, i was with my boyfriend for about 4 years in total (well we were together for 2, broke up nd got back together for 2) and we broke up again a few months ago. I'll admit we didnt end on the best of terms but i talked to him about 3 weeks ago. It was good to sort of catch up with him but we were both still pretty raw from the break up and i knew that we just couldnt get back together. We'd hurt each other too much in the past. The next day i got a text from a good friend of his telling me i had to stop texting him and i knew she was right although it still hurt to be told that. If continuing talking to your ex means that you both might end up worse for it then its best just to give yourself a clean break from her. You'll both benefit from it in the end and maybe after you've truly moved on you can start to think about trying to be friends.

MJOR

I think that you're both on different levels of "overness" if that makes sense. If you get together now the relationship will regress.Neither of you are ready to be friends the boundaries aren't clear enough yet. As for getting back together???

Leave it be for another while because she doesn't seem to know where she is at and maybe you aren't sure either?

anonymous_joe

I get what you mean.

It's just very difficult, especially when you get on so well, because then you get these situations where things do move too fast, and people panic. Especially her. She seems to tie herself up in knots about the whole situation.

I'll be honest, I'm not over her, despite going out with someone else in between. I'm worried about getting hurt myself, and about her getting hurt. After all, I really just want us both to be happy. Whether that's together or apart or as friends doesn't really matter too much to me.

MJOR

That is great... She should appreciate your maturity. I can see that you'd love to be back with her.... It might be a disaster though if you come across as too needy or wanting her too much. It sounds like she may agree for the sake of it...

give her space and a chance to miss you....

anonymous_joe

Luckily I'm going away for a month soon. So if I can be a little bit nice and charming now it should help us both part on good terms and spend some time apart to cool down.

MJOR

Yeah good plan.... Be nice but firm. No contact while you are away and let her see what she is missing

anonymous_joe

Ah I know. In an ideal world we'll be talking in a friendly way by then. Makes the absence more noticable too.

We've made huge leaps lately, but there's still a huge way to go. The pain and confusion won't just disappear after all. A month ago I didn't think we'd ever talk again, so I just need to stay friendly and give ourselves some space.

MJOR

Thats the thing.... Hindsight is always 20/20. Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe the best is yet to come.....

anonymous_joe

Ah I'm relatively hopeful that we can go a long way towards dealing with what happened given time.

It's just the time bit that's so difficult.

Also, being patient and going slowly are incredibly difficult, especially when you're trying to help someone you love. If I cared less it would be so much easier. Though I wouldn't be bothering then. ^^

MJOR

Thats the thing... I just wondering are you stunting your own ability to get over it all by being such a help to her.....

anonymous_joe

Perhaps so.

I certainly think getting away for a month will be great for me. I'd just like for us to be talking a little before then. But as I said, we've made huge progress, going from nothing other than bitterness and recriminations (from her) to tentative talking. And in fairness she has said a good few times she wants us to be friends, and she wants it to happen 'naturally.' I just get pissed off trying to be patient. Foolish, but heh, the natural compulsions of youth, love and over confidence.

RedXIV

ok, OP, to reiterate, i've done both situations. Cut contact and tried to stay friends immediately afterwards. In my cut contact case, 3 months later, we were on good terms and it was just mates. In the stay friends straight after break up, it took the guts of 5 years for me to cop on to myself. Thats the figures, they are FACT!

Trust me, stay away until you KNOW you're over her

MJOR

anonymous_joe wrote: »

Perhaps so.

I certainly think getting away for a month will be great for me. I'd just like for us to be talking a little before then. But as I said, we've made huge progress, going from nothing other than bitterness and recriminations (from her) to tentative talking. And in fairness she has said a good few times she wants us to be friends, and she wants it to happen 'naturally.' I just get pissed off trying to be patient. Foolish, but heh, the natural compulsions of youth, love and over confidence.

Yeah it can be totally frustrating when the other person isn't on the same page... Red gives good advice there too. Having been a guy in the situation. Patience is a virtue... but aslo a pain in the as$..

Wibbs

What Red said. Keeping contact will make it worse for you. You'll tie yourself up in knots wondering what the hell she's thinking. I'm more black and white and maybe more cynical, but I figure when someone leaves, let them. Don't be a crutch, don't be a friend, until you've moved on, if ever.

anonymous_joe

I don't blame you for being more black and white about it.

I think you're right, I probably have been too nice to her, I always was. Ah well, I have to learn sometime.

BumblebeeGirl

Im in the same position as you OP- im not over my ex and i keep breaking contact with him but he cant seem to let me get on with my life, even though i dont think hes still interested in me hes constantly in contact! Its such a horrible situation to be in...

anonymous_joe

You should just ask him what he feels... Might save a lot of confusion and help you both move on.

I know that I have to get over the awkwardness and confusion right now, and I think the only cures for that are time and patience I guess. Can't really do anything else, especially given the feelings of the two of us. The fact that we're both still hurting after 4 months is pretty messed up, but it's undeniable. Really does need a lot of work to fix something like that, and I think that can't be done until we've both had time and space to calm down and approach things objectively again.

anonymous_joe

Talking to mutual acquaintices, I get the impression that the girl is very unhappy the past few months.

Should I continue not talking to her, or should I try and be there for her?

It sounds harsh, but I'm thinking that perhaps if she spends some time being lonely and miserable then maybe she'll realise she needs to approach the situation with some more maturity.

anonymous_joe

I'd like to thank the people who gave me advice.

I allowed myself be blinded by the fact that I cared about someone, and I knew they still had feelings for me. There's no point in wasting my time with someone whose too confused to see what's happening. If she has the wit to see what she's messed up, I'd probably be there for her, but as it stands, she's just leading a pathetic existence, spending all her time at her computer, refusing to acknowledge her friends and those that care for her. Perhaps it's her way of coping, in fact I'm fairly sure it is, but I just don't think she deserves my support anymore.

She can do without me.

BumblebeeGirl

What happened?

MJOR

As i said you can now start to get over her a bit more and move on... Who knows what the future holds.

anonymous_joe

What can I say?

I love the girl. Since we first met and started talking, we clicked, or whatever. We got on incredibly well, becoming best friends. Neither of us ever expected anything more to happen, though we both wanted more. We were incredibly happy when things finally did work out as we'd hoped.

However, she relied upon me too much. She's been incredibly unlucky all through her life, and most people have ****ed her over. It happens to some people. As such she had very few friends left, and I suppose I became the entirety of her life.

She got kicked out of her dream college course because she'd been sick, and when she started her new one it involved a 2 hour commute. Somehow I got blamed for the reduced amount of time we could spend together.

Since we broke up, according to those who know us both she's been incrediblt short-tempered, impatient, angry and entirely lacking a sense of humour. When we talk she's stand-offish. Sometimes, she does allow us talk, like we used to, but every time that happens she seems to panic, back up and then gets angry with me again. She seeks arguments with me over everything.

If she'd rather spend her time playing her computer than to actually deal with the issues effecting her life, then there's **** all I can do about it. As I said, I love her, but I just find myself caring less and less now. It's almost painful to admit. Almost. If she had the common sense to talk to me, things would be infinitely easier. It's not like anything that happened was actually that big a deal. Irony is a cruel and bitter mistress though, eh?

As it stands, what else can I do? I do love her, and she, well, I don't think she knows what she feels about me. But whatever it is, she's terrified of confronting it. I've been here for her for five months or so now, despite my own pain, but she's just not been brave enough to try and deal with things.

What more can a man do?

RandomDave

I've been in a similar situation before. I don't think you can do much more than wait it out and hope for the best, dude. Good luck anyway.

anonymous_joe

Thanks...

It's been pretty tough for me. For her too, but that's not my problem. Anyway, with time I might be willing to give her another chance, and maybe she'd be willing to face the problems we had. It's not like any of them were big.

RandomDave

The worst thing you can do is to keep beating yourself up over it.

From the sounds of it, you've tried to do a lot to be there for her. She's clearly not ready for that. Whatever happened to this girl, she sounds quite hurt. Whether it's your fault or not doesn't really matter, if she is.

All you can do is be patient. Just don't put pressure on either yourself or her. If she really did care for you, then maybe when she's calmer and less emotional you'll get a chance to talk everything over, with both of you more able for it.

Just let yourself be patient. And good luck.

anonymous_joe

I guess so.

I've allowed myself care too much. These things take time, I suppose.

Well I hope we can talk again some day. No point throwing away a great friendship and relationship for nothing. But there's no point in me worrying, or expecting it to happen soon.

Whatever happens happens, all I can do is hope for the best.

anonymous_joe

So she started talking to me on Friday to tell me what a b*stard I was. She ranted at me for being a liar, and for making her life a living hell. I'm certainly not over her by any means, but it's quite clear that she's still enormously hurt and bitter as well. It's been five months since she ended it, and she's still unable to talk about that with anyone.

Anyway, just wanted to tell someone I guess...

I'll be going away next weekend for a few weeks, and I'm really wondering if I should ever bother contacting her again when I get back. The poor girl is clearly lonely and missing me, but if she's going to act like this... *sighs* how can I help someone like that? Part of me still does love her, but I'm just so confused and hurt by her actions these days. Like why is she so determined to see the worst in me?

RandomDave

Go on holidays and don't stop to think about her.

Have a break, and don't worry about all that stuff until you're back.

anonymous_joe

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I think I'm just going to send her an e-mail before I leave, and tell her exactly how I feel about the past few months, and say that I'd rather the both of us put these last few months behind us, and started things anew.

Wibbs

Don't send that email IMHO. She already knows what's what so no need to rake over the same stuff again and again. Maybe write it all down for yourself, but sit on it until you come back from your trip. Then if you really want to send it then do it.

tobiesheba

I'm in a similar situation so all I can do is tell you what I'm trying to do which is come to terms with the fact that at the moment I can't be friends with this person and that we both need some time where we're not in each other's faces. It's not easy but I'm hoping that it'll become easier. I think there is no way that we could be friends at the moment and while we're not on bad terms (any more) we just can't be all buddy, buddy there's still too much rawness there.
I really do think it's a good idea to send her an e-mail before you go away though because that way you'll have gotten things off your chest and hopefully be able to spend your trip without her preying on your mind. However be careful that you sending it won't get you into a situation where you're checking your e-mails every two minutes to see if she's replied.

anonymous_joe

Wibbs wrote: »

Don't send that email IMHO. She already knows what's what so no need to rake over the same stuff again and again. Maybe write it all down for yourself, but sit on it until you come back from your trip. Then if you really want to send it then do it.

I can fully see what you mean Wibbs. Normally I'd be relatively stubborn, but I've read your posts before and you're advice is usually bloody good. Not necessarily the nicest, usually the best.

It's a tough call whether I send it now or wait until I come back. I have until Tuesday to decide anyway.

anonymous_joe

I've decided on what course of action to follow. I don't feel there's a need to worry about her, and how she feels, but I still do to an extent. But I don't allow it to affect me anymore.

Anyway, I know what I should do now, so wish me luck.

tobiesheba

Good luck!

MJOR

Best of luck and go on holiday with a clear head. Not every guy would give her so many chances.

Good luck!