Boyfriend begging me to have sex

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 7:58am #1

Hi Guys,

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and so far things are going great. We usually spend the whole weekend together
and maybe one night mid-week. Everytime we meet up we have s*x and it's usually great. We are very sexually compatible and
have similar sex drives. I love buying lingerie and toys and we're both really open minded.

Anyway, over the last few weeks I've noticed my sex drive dropping a little bit. I'm not sure of the reason for this but I'm not worried
about it as I know it will return soon. We still have sex when we meet up just not every time now. I'm fine with this but my boyfriend
is not. We hooked up last Saturday and were planning on going out but the rain was so heavy that we decided to get wine and pizza
and stay in. We were having a lovely night until my bf started rubbing my leg and kissing me and initiating sex. I really wasn't feeling
sexy or in the mood so nicely told him that I didn't feel like it now but maybe later on. We got really annoyed with me and went upstairs
to watch TV in the other room. In the morning he was at me again to have sex and I wasn't in the mood and he got angry again.

We met up last night and I explained to him that it's nothing personal when I don't want to have sex and that it doesn't mean I don't find him attractive.
I told him that I think he's gorgeous but I just haven't been in the mood lately. I'm on the pill and I've just moved jobs so maybe stress is a factor.
I also reassured him that my libido will return and it's not a big deal. He seemed happy with this explaination. I stayed over in his last night and he
wanted to have sex but my tummy felt sick and I really didn't feel like it. Well, to say he got annoyed is an understatement. He would barely speak to
me this morning either. In the car on the way to work I told him that the more pressure he puts me under, the more he's pushing me away and that
I'm not his little sex doll.

Am I wrong to think he's being a d*ck about this? Usually I'm up for all kinds of sex and do everything he wants but I've not been in the mood a handful
of times and he's furious with me?! I feel under such pressure and it's really putting me off him. Is sex all that matters to this guy, why is he so angry?

Could anybody shed some light for me cause we're fighting now and I don't think it's right. I'm 28 btw and he's 26.

One more thing to add is that he doesn't just get angry, he keeps begging me to have sex with him. Like last night I said I feel a little unwell so I'm not in the mood and he's like..come on, ah come on etc..

Thanks guys.

Wibbs · 24-06-2008 8:13am

Well it sounds like he's not actually forcing sex on you yet, but this is not a good sign, especially the anger. OK so he's frustrated, big deal, he can go off and sort himself out, so to speak. He was doing that when he was single and if he continues on this path he'll be doing it again.

The anger is a bad sign, the begging adds to it. It's all way too selfish on his part. If you didn't have sex with him for 6 months I could understand his frustration(but not his anger). If he keeps this up, he's going to lose you. I would tell him that too.

seamus · 24-06-2008 8:29am

Sexdoll wrote: »

Usually I'm up for all kinds of sex and do everything he wants but I've not been in the mood a handful of times and he's furious with me?!

That's probably why he's so frustrated. He's been getting it regularly and now he feels as though he's being "cut off".

Us men can have a bit of trouble understanding women's libidos. You see, ours are always on. Unless we're very ill or somebody has just died, then we're up for sex. So if it was offered to us, we'd take it. So he may be having trouble understanding why you won't take it when it's being offered to you - it must be because something is wrong.

Long story short, yes he's being a baby. Has he been in many long-term relationships before?

As Wibbs says, you need to tell him to cop himself on. You also have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he was just enjoying having a hot girl come over and give him his jollies. Now that he's not getting it each time you come over, perhaps he's not into the relationship idea.

Keano · 24-06-2008 8:30am

Well if he cannot respect your wishes now you will have to ask yourself what does the future hold? Everytime you don't want sex is he going to throw a strop?

Reku · 24-06-2008 8:38am

Well he's not forcing sex on you *phew, wipes brow that things aren't that bad* but he is trying to guilt you into it which isn't very fair on you. To be honest he sounds as though he is behaving a little immaturely about it in that he let on that he understood and was ok with the fact that you may not always be up for it yet still seems to lose the rag when this happens.
Explain to him once more that it has nothing to do with him and there is nothing he can do but be patient, stoking the fire in this case will not necessarily help. Let him know that his behavior is upsetting you & if he still continues like this then you'll have to evaluate yourself whether he's in the relationship for you or for the sex.
I would also ask if anything is bothering him, perhaps not all of his frustration has anything to do with this and this is just him venting it poorly.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 8:39am

Keano A Legend wrote: »

Well if he cannot respect your wishes now you will have to ask yourself what does the future hold? Everytime you don't want sex is he going to throw a strop?

That's exactly what I'm worried about. I am entitled to not want sex occasionally and having him get angry at me is really unfair in my opinion.

He sai dthis morning that he loves having sex with me so much that he wants it all the time.
That's still no reason to get angry at me if I'm not in the mood. I just feel under pressure now and worried he'll freak out if I don't feel in the mood again.

Wibbs - Saying he forced me is too strong word, you are right there, begging me is more apt ( and very unsexy I might add!). This whole...ah, come on....I'll be quick, come on...kinda talk!! I asked him this morning how he could even wanna have sex with somebody who cleary doesn't want too. He didn't have a an answer for that but he did say that he feels like he's forcing me and I'm 'giving in' the odd time. I wish he'd just back off cause he's pushing me more than he probabal realsises.

I guess I really wanted to see if I'm being unreasonalbe. He aid that as his gf I'm obliged to have sex with him and what's the point in going out if we don't. It's only been maybe 5 times I've said no in 6 months for Gods sake!

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 8:42am

As an afterthought, sorry about the title...'Forced' sounds so bad! Didn't realise how awful that sounds..he's not forcing me, he's begging me and there is a diference. Sorry about that!!

MJOR · 24-06-2008 8:44am

If you aren't in the mood he shouldn't be pushing you... You've given him valid reasons for not wanting too... He'll kind of have to like it or lump it really.

Wibbs · 24-06-2008 8:47am

Sexdoll wrote: »

He aid that as his gf I'm obliged to have sex with him and what's the point in going out if we don't.

Big red flag right there.

Reku · 24-06-2008 8:54am

Wibbs wrote: »

Big red flag right there.

Agreed, that's almost as bad as the stupid "I bought you a drink so you have to make out with me" idea some lads seem to get in their heads.

RedXIV · 24-06-2008 9:09am

Wibbs wrote: »

Big red flag right there.

Def agree with this, that quote of his is a sign he is nowhere near the same level as you in this relationship if all he can see is sex. And unless you plan on telling him this, i can't see this relationship lasting

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 9:16am

OP I went out with a guy like this for a good bit, we met when I was just 19, and very energetic (I'm 24 now), after a few months, I wanted to just chill out and relax in the evenings or when we met up and he was like your current boyf, just wanted sex and would get into a real cold dark mood if he didnt get it.

The thing is, at the moment, my current partner and I have sex to enhance our relationship, the relationship is not based on sex. That last guy I was with was a user. He had sexual issues, I dont think he was normal tbh.. its a long story.

He used to say, we need to talk - we havent had sex in ages (it would be two weeks) and when we began arguing and would go without it for longer he would turn darker. When we were going out a year, I found out from him that one night when I went home early from town with my best friend, he went off looking for sex up to where the prostitutes hang out near Heuston and got a BJ - from a guy! He was so sexually frustrated and sexually interested he went and did that. He also fulfilled his needs in other ways.

Watch out for this guy - alot of couples have sex in the beginning and then they get into a pattern and settle down together with work and lives, this guy is being selfish and spoilt, it worried me and it should worry you love.

takola · 24-06-2008 9:35am

Sexdoll wrote: »

I guess I really wanted to see if I'm being unreasonalbe. He aid that as his gf I'm obliged to have sex with him and what's the point in going out if we don't. It's only been maybe 5 times I've said no in 6 months for Gods sake!

Out of curiosity, how did you react to this? Because if my OH said something like that to me I'd probably laugh in his face before telling him to f*ck right off.

I find guys like this really frustrating and I would tend to have lost interest by now. He sounds like the type of guy who uses the "Well I have needs and you weren't meeting them so it's your fault I cheated!" line. :rolleyes:

Just make it clear to him that you find it a turn off to watch him beg. If it was me and he started begging I'd just leave. Or I'd ask him to leave if he was in my place. I certainly wouldn't stick around to argue about it the next morning.

As farohar said, explain it to him again that it's not that you aren't attracted to him. I'd also make it perfectly clear that no amount of begging is going to change it if you're not in the mood and that he won't force it.

He's already said that he feels sometimes that you're just giving in to him. How could somebody enjoy that in all fairness?

RealEstateKing · 24-06-2008 10:13am

It's possible he is insecure, and worried that your being uninterested in sex is a judgement on him - that he is a bad lover/unattractive or whatever.

Many blokes will tend to try and counter the weak feeling this gives them be coming on all strong and demanding sex: It's not neccessarily the sex he's craving, just the feeling of validation and acceptance that it gives him.

Explain to him in no uncertain terms that sometimes you're just not in the mood: That it's nothing to do with him, that he's a good lover, you're not rejeecting him etc.

If he doesnt accept that, then he is a prick. Plain and simple. And should be dumped forthwith to go in search of a woman who will respond to his every desire every time he asks: Probably a 2-dimensional woman called Crystal who lives on page 27.

cowzerp · 24-06-2008 10:22am

Metoo97 wrote: »

He used to say, we need to talk - we havent had sex in ages (it would be two weeks) and when we began arguing and would go without it for longer he would turn darker.

O'k he sounded like an oddball, but in fairness in my eyes 2 weeks is ages, if a couple are not intimate like that for 2 weeks without good reason then i think there is something wrong (this is when couples are more like brother and sister) and mentally this is torture for a person with a living libido.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 10:23am

RealEstateKing wrote: »

It's possible he is insecure, and worried that your being uninterested in sex is a judgement on him - that he is a bad lover/unattractive or whatever.

Many blokes will tend to try and counter the weak feeling this gives them be coming on all strong and demanding sex: It's not neccessarily the sex he's craving, just the feeling of validation and acceptance that it gives him.

Explain to him in no uncertain terms that sometimes you're just not in the mood: That it's nothing to do with him, that he's a good lover, you're not rejeecting him etc.

If he doesnt accept that, then he is a prick. Plain and simple. And should be dumped forthwith to go in search of a woman who will respond to his every desire every time he asks: Probably a 2-dimensional woman called Crystal who lives on page 27.

Ha ha, yeah that's what I think it might be. I don't think he's only in this relationship for sex because he's really good to me. He treats me very well, always puts me first, drives me to work everyday even though it's out of his way, buys me presents etc. He's a cool guy.

I'm just quite taken aback at his attitude over this. If we hadn't had sex in 6 weekes then I'd understand his frustration but we last had sex on Sunday morning, it's only Tuesday and he's angry with me. 2 weeks ago we went away for the weekend and had sex in the shower etc. Now I say I'm not in the mood and he storms out of the room!! Silly really and selfish I feel but possibly stemming from insecurity.

Jesus, is there anybody out there who isn't insecure!!

Dragan · 24-06-2008 10:28am

To be honest your boyfriend is sounding a little bit on the pathetic side.

I sincerely doubt i would be able to respect a partner who carried on like that. In fact, i know i wouldn't.

I would suggest you realise that if he is willing to ignore your feelings and explanations around this then he will be willing to do so around other things.

estar · 24-06-2008 10:45am

to get angry like that is not appropriate or sensitive
and is not a realistic way to behave if he wants
to have long term relationships that last.

the message he is sending to you is that
if you dont give him what he wants he will get angry
and emotionally blackmail you until you give in

someone that acts like this that early into a relationship
is not someone i would continue seeing unless they
could come around to seeing that if you love someone
you have patience and you wait

Rayven199 · 24-06-2008 10:46am

Wibbs wrote: »

Big red flag right there.

Have to agree,major alarm bells there-sounds like the only reason he has a girlfriend is for sex!

humanji · 24-06-2008 10:46am

It kind of sounds like he's only being good to you in order to have sex. If he keeps on throwing a strop every time you say no, then tell him to either grow up or feck off. He's not doing you any favours as it is.

Petrolium Hat · 24-06-2008 10:49am

Think he's just being immature about this. Has he ever been in a longterm relationship? It's not an uncommon thing for someone to not be interested in sex the whole time, particularly if they're on the pill. Think you should tell him just he needs to put effort into being romantic and just having a good time the rest will follow. Particularly tell him sulking isn't very sexy or manly. Don't you feel bad about this anyway, like if you're having problems longterm what is going to do sulk some more? If he realised that there's two of you in it then he'd cop that his first reaction should be to look after you and care for you, not sulk and worry about him not getting his hole.

chuci · 24-06-2008 10:59am

op your relationship is based purely on sex it seems so you saying no is more than likely going to send him to someone else. i wouldnt hold out too much hope for the future if he gets mad about you saying no when you were feeling sick.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 11:01am

yes he is immature, yes it is worrying that your relationship may be based on sex, and yes he needs to learn not to be so desperate, it's a big turn-off for a girl to know its always on a plate. he has to work for it sometimes. seduce you...

now, once he has learned that he has to be romantic and creative to get you into bed and not put pressure on you in such an immature way then things can go back to normal. you may find your libido coming back after he cooks you a nice meal and lights some candles. couples should be constantly trying to re-ignite the fire, to keep each other interested.

next time he comes begging for sex and you are not in the mood. why not just give him a handjob? it'll take the edge off his anger and frustration for sure. someone mentioned it before - its about seeking acceptance as much as gratification. don't reject him over this.

Nevyn · 24-06-2008 11:27am

Thread titled edited to reflect the content of the thread.

seraphimvc · 24-06-2008 11:55am

i say he is immature on this issue.i mean,mad when your girlfriend say no?all i will do is ask if she wanna talk (to make her feel better) or cheers her up (flowers,nice food etc) or try to seduce her with some tricks lol.i know lots of relationship i have seen are based on sex ,but hey,as a man,we need to think of teh wimmins too!

IMO OP should reconsider again the relationship between you and him if you are hoping a bright future of two of you.

akamossy · 24-06-2008 12:29pm

I can understand him wanting sex but the getting angry at not getting it part is what worries me. How angry are we talking here? Or is it just that he gets slightly odd? If your not in the mood he should respect that, same way if he wasn't in the mood you should respect it.

StormWarrior · 24-06-2008 12:34pm

His behaviour, apart from being worrying, sounds really unattractive! Does his begging for sex and getting angry make you want sex even less? If so, this is going to be a vicious circle. Maybe subconsciously you don't want to be with him any more and that's why you are getting less keen on sex? Also, if he is behaving like this now, it'll probably be downhill from here. I'd get out now if I were you. I bet you don't feel very nice after giving in to his sexual demands when you don't want to.

Wurly · 24-06-2008 12:47pm

In my opinion, he is being a complete dick.

He can relieve himself if he needs to. What a complete tit for saying that you are obliged to sleep with him. My good god!

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you if he can't take no for an answer.

He sounds insensitive and immature.

If it was an ongoing and longterm thing, then i could perhaps see his point. But he shouldn't get in a sulk and not talk to you when things dont go his way. That's what a child does, not a man of 26 years of age.

If this continues, then I would consider ending this relationship. You are hardly going to be in the mood for sex when he behaves like this. You will feel under pressure and stressed. If that is the case, how can it be expected that yor libido will improve?

I'm sorry that you are being treated this way OP. What does he want you to do, just lie there and take it when you don't even really want to? If so, that's clearly not right.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2008 12:53pm

StormWarrior wrote: »

His behaviour, apart from being worrying, sounds really unattractive! Does his begging for sex and getting angry make you want sex even less? If so, this is going to be a vicious circle. Maybe subconsciously you don't want to be with him any more and that's why you are getting less keen on sex? Also, if he is behaving like this now, it'll probably be downhill from here. I'd get out now if I were you. I bet you don't feel very nice after giving in to his sexual demands when you don't want to.

This morning I was confused about this and questioning if I'm being unreasonable not wanting sex all the time but now after posting here and asking my best mate (who's a bloke) I'm just so mad at him.

I just emailed him and said 'Call me later, we need to talk'. It is so unattractive him begging me like this and now I don't even wanna be around him cause I'm under pressure. i feel a break up coming on if he doesn't grow the hell up.

Thanks for the replies guys

lolli · 24-06-2008 4:57pm

Sexdoll wrote: »

I just emailed him and said 'Call me later, we need to talk'. It is so unattractive him begging me like this and now I don't even wanna be around him cause I'm under pressure. i feel a break up coming on if he doesn't grow the hell up.

Op, I think you are making the right choice by meeting up with him. It seems like he has very little respect for you. Its your body so if you dont feel like sex at the time thats your choice. He has no right to beg you for it. Sex is an important aspect of any relationship but it certainly shouldnt be the only thing it is based on. Do you go out together much? Or do you always end up staying in?

Lollipops23 · 24-06-2008 5:21pm

hmm, while overall i think he's being a complete arse about it, i do wonder how us girlies would feel if the situation were turned around....
I think part of women becoming more and more comfy with our sexuality is that us being enthusiastic about bedroom antics can lead to the boys thinking we're up for it 24/7....totally wrong of course!!!
In don't understand why he doesn't seem to get the concept of you not being horny-even dudes have off days for Christ's sake!!I reckon he may have put an unfair and unreasonable emphasis on the sex aspect of your relationship, and if you guys have a future together he needs to re-evaluate things.

Chinafoot · 24-06-2008 6:07pm

Sexdoll wrote: »

He aid that as his gf I'm obliged to have sex with him and what's the point in going out if we don't.

Ok I don't want to sound dramatic but all I could think of was the old attitude that it wasn't possible for a wife to be raped by her husband because it her duty/obligation to provide sex for him. Now before anyone jumps on me I'm not suggesting that this guy is going to end up raping you if you refuse some night, however it seems to be a similar mentality....you are there to provide sex for him.

The whole "I'll be quick" thing aswell just shows that he doesn't give a rats if you enjoy it, once he gets his jollies.

If it was me I would have walked after the first strop he threw. That's a scary attitude to have and he seems to have very little respect for your feelings on this matter. The guy needs to grow up and realise that there is more to a relationship than just sex, unfortunately if he says things like "whats the point in going out if we don't have sex" all the time, I reckon you might be waiting a long time for that maturity to show.

Buy him a blow-up doll and go on your way tbh.

24-06-2008 7:59pm

Chinafoot wrote: »

Ok I don't want to sound dramatic but all I could think of was the old attitude that it wasn't possible for a wife to be raped by her husband because it her duty/obligation to provide sex for him. Now before anyone jumps on me I'm not suggesting that this guy is going to end up raping you if you refuse some night, however it seems to be a similar mentality....you are there to provide sex for him.

The whole "I'll be quick" thing aswell just shows that he doesn't give a rats if you enjoy it, once he gets his jollies.

If it was me I would have walked after the first strop he threw. That's a scary attitude to have and he seems to have very little respect for your feelings on this matter. The guy needs to grow up and realise that there is more to a relationship than just sex, unfortunately if he says things like "whats the point in going out if we don't have sex" all the time, I reckon you might be waiting a long time for that maturity to show.

Buy him a blow-up doll and go on your way tbh.

Very much my reaction also. Suggest you do this, OP

K_P · 24-06-2008 8:58pm

+1

The "I'll be quick" and "ah, come on" talk, as well as being just about the biggest turn off possible, shows the strange view he has when it comes to you and sex. You're there to satisfy his sexual urges. If you enjoy it, that's probably a bonus, but nothing more.

I know I'm not really saying anything other replies haven't, but I just wanted to add my voice to the choir of "he's being a p***k". Good luck OP.

AngryBadger · 24-06-2008 9:04pm

Have to agree with everyone else here OP.

Curious as to what age you two are? I know it goes on, but I'm always embarassed for men everywhere when I hear of some guy in his 20's carrying on like this.

Any chance you're both in your teens? Might also explain his ****ty attitude to you, and sex.

Oh and I hope your "talk" consists mainly of "Either you stop harassing me for sex when I'm not in the mood or you're dumped".

Call Me Jimmy · 24-06-2008 9:19pm

RealEstateKing wrote: »

It's possible he is insecure, and worried that your being uninterested in sex is a judgement on him - that he is a bad lover/unattractive or whatever.

As an irrational, insecure person - I would concur with this. I would take any rejection of sex as a sign that I'm not good enough and that if the sex was so great she'd want it any time she could get it. As I said, it isn't necessarily right but they are the thoughts I'de have. Maybe he's the same.

Having said that, I don't know how he thinks you're more likely to want to have sex with him by nagging you etc.

Chinafoot · 24-06-2008 9:43pm

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

As an irrational, insecure person - I would concur with this. I would take any rejection of sex as a sign that I'm not good enough and that if the sex was so great she'd want it any time she could get it. As I said, it isn't necessarily right but they are the thoughts I'de have. Maybe he's the same.

Would you also tell the girl in question that she is obliged to have sex with you because she is your girlfriend? That is the big difference here between him possibly being insecure and him possibly being an immature tool with a very skewed view of intimate relationships. "I'll be quick" and "what's the point if we're not having sex all the time" all point towards the latter for this guy.

He doesn't respect her feelings and nobody should ever be put under pressure in that kind of situation.

aidan24326 · 24-06-2008 11:23pm

I would echo what others are saying about him sounding like an immature arsehole in all of this.

BUT, surely if you're not in the mood and he is, you could just satisfy him with a handjob or something? Now I'm not suggesting for an second that it's your 'duty' to do this, but surely it would be a reasonable compromise on both sides, rather than just leaving him frustrated and creating bad feelings for both of you?

If he wasn't happy with such a compromise, and still demaned sex, I'd say dump him. In fact some of what you've revealed so far suggests that you'd be wise to dump him anyway unless he cops himself on in a hurry.

Wurly · 24-06-2008 11:29pm

aidan24326 wrote: »

BUT, surely if you're not in the mood and he is, you could just satisfy him with a handjob or something?

Can he not give himself a handjob?

Why should she participate in sexual acts at all when she is not in the mood to do so? I don't think that's a compromise. If you're not feeling amorous yourself, the last thing you wanna be doing is giving handjobs to a guy who guilts you into doing them, especially if you're not getting any pleasure reciprocated.

He should not be rewarded in any way for acting like a sulky child.

aidan24326 · 24-06-2008 11:38pm

Tri wrote: »

He should not be rewarded in any way for acting like a sulky child.

I agree entirely. I just think it's a good way to diffuse sexual tension when one partner isn't in the mood for actual sex. Obviously that works both ways. And no I don't think he should get anything but a rebuttal for his childish 'ah go on' remarks, or the frankly antiquated notion that it's somehow her duty to service his sexual needs on demand. I just meant it in a general sense. I agree with the overall consensus that the guy is being a pr1ck, and if I was the OP I would be concerned about his prehistoric attitude to what a woman's role in a relationship is supposed to be.

Chinafoot · 25-06-2008 1:26am

aidan24326 wrote: »

I just think it's a good way to diffuse sexual tension when one partner isn't in the mood for actual sex.
.
......I just meant it in a general sense

Completely, 100% disagree. If she's not in the mood for it she's not in the mood and she shouldn't need to compromise here. Do you really think that someone who isn't feeling up to that level of intimacy should have to perform a very intimate act (you may see it as a mere handjob but both people need to be comfortable with it as it's still a sexual act) just to stop someone who is meant to care about her from throwing a hissy fit? And what do you mean "in a general sense", like Tri said if you're not feeling up to it the last you should have to do is please someone else when you really don't want to. There is no compromise there. YOur wishes should be respected no matter what the situation.

If he's that frustrated then I'm sure he can happily sort himself out and to be perfectly honest I would be very, very wary of someone who would still get off knowing full well that their partner was getting no enjoyment from the situation. No means no, regardless of their relationship.

She has said that it has happened 5 times over the past 6 months and that she's happy to please him when they do have sex. He is treating her like some sort of cum-receptacle and it's sickening.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2008 2:19am

the op's boyfriend needs to understand how women work... having a relationship is a two way thing and preparing for sex starts hours before the actual act takes place,meaning that the interaction between each person and the build up of intimacy is how sex eventually comes about...if she does not feel comfortable and cared for its not going to happen...

his attitide is now having the reverse effect because he is in a one way relationship and is not considering her needs at all... it will never work....he is like a dog in heat and needs a cold bucket of water over him!!!...

op take this issue seriously and dont see him for a few days so he knows this is not allowed to happen again...if he doesnt respect you ovwer it you will need to reasses your relationship with him....

Memnoch · 25-06-2008 9:33am

Okay,

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and stick my neck out a little bit. I think people are jumping, a little unfairly onto the OP's boyfriend and berating him.

I don't think it's about forcing or begging, I think it's about expectation. Sex is obviously an important part of a healthy relationship. And each of us, man or woman has a right to their feelings with regards to how much sex they want/expect in a relationship.

It's also a very difficult situation and I don't think there are easy answers/judgements the way a lot of people here seem to be suggesting.

I like to have sex at least a couple of times a week(ideally more). Now sometimes she isn't in the mood, and that's cool and sometimes she is in the mood unexpectedly. RARELY she's in the mood and I'm not, although on those occasions I just go with it and find after a few minutes that I have gotten into the mood even though I wasn't before we started. Also I want to stress here that I'm not just looking to 'get off.' Her orgasm is more important to me than mine, and I always make sure she gets to orgasm before I do/with me, otherwise the sex just isn't enjoyable for me.

But what would I do if her "not being in the mood," started to persist over a prolonged time.

I think there are two things about this. Firstly I'm sure I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where we had sex once a month. That just wouldn't fly for me. Maybe that makes me shallow and a sex freak, but that's who I am. And honestly if it got to that stage it would affect my relationship. Then I have two-three options. Either try and let my partner know how I feel, or let the resentment/frustration build up inside until it explodes, or leave the girl, or cheat and get my sex elsewhere.

Neither of these options is really viable. If you try to tell them you're unhappy then it's like your putting pressure on them, treating them like a sexdoll whatever. Just "tolerating it" doesn't work, because eventually you will explode. If you leave, you are clearly shallow. And cheating being bad doesn't need any explanations.

Relationships require effort. And sometimes you have to talk when you don't want to. Communication is important and so is considering the needs of your other half.

IMO it's ludicrous to berate someone because they want X amount of sex from a relationship. Why should they not be entitled to it? And if they aren't getting it, why should they be the bad guy for making their feelings known.

People seem to think it's okay for the guy (or girl) who wants more to just keep it bottled inside and "bear it". Or end the relationship? Maybe I'm coming from a strange angle and I've missed somehting that is obvious to everyone else.

Dragan · 25-06-2008 9:38am

Memnoch wrote: »

IMO it's ludicrous to berate someone because they want X amount of sex from a relationship. Why should they not be entitled to it? And if they aren't getting it, why should they be the bad guy for making their feelings known.

People seem to think it's okay for the guy (or girl) who wants more to just keep it bottled inside and "bear it". Or end the relationship? Maybe I'm coming from a strange angle and I've missed somehting that is obvious to everyone else.

There is a way to express yourself in a grown up fashion.

"Begging" is not one of them. Nor is throwing your toys out of the pram because your other half is not in the mood.

The guy is acting like a child and should be treated like so.

Meathlass · 25-06-2008 9:41am

I think it's the way the op's boyfriend is going about it that's the problem. No one is saying that he should keep his feelings bottled up inside but begging for a shag is just ridiculous and expecting her to have sex with him just because she's his girlfriend. If what the op reports of their conversations is accurate then there is several red warning flags definately popping up. Plus the op has said that they still have sex about 3 times a week so it's not like they're in a sexless relationship. He sounds like a child stamping his foot when he doesn't get his way.

If the op's libido is dipping they need to talk about it and see if there is a solution. What would happen if she had a child, would he still be complaining then that he couldn't have sex just after the birth? I'm having an operation next week and I won't be able to have sex for about 6 weeks which I'm going to find really, really difficult but it's doctors orders. If my boyfriend got all huffy about this, then it would be a deal breaker.

Memnoch · 25-06-2008 9:44am

Dragan wrote: »

There is a way to express yourself in a grown up fashion.

"Begging" is not one of them. Nor is throwing your toys out of the pram because your other half is not in the mood.

The guy is acting like a child and should be treated like so.

But we aren't really hearing it from his point of view. We're only seeing one, probably biased, side of the story. There are always two sides.

Petrolium Hat · 25-06-2008 9:50am

Memnoch wrote: »

Maybe I'm coming from a strange angle and I've missed somehting that is obvious to everyone else.

The obvious thing is that begging and nagging for sex is pathetic, immature and not condusive to a healthy relationship. Also everything he is doing is making the problem worse.

It's nothing to do with the amount of times he wants sex. That can be talked about and worked on if both parties are mature enough. It's his attitute of not giving a sh*t about anyone but himself and lacking the maturity to see what he's doing that's the problem.

Dragan · 25-06-2008 9:57am

Memnoch wrote: »

But we aren't really hearing it from his point of view. We're only seeing one, probably biased, side of the story. There are always two sides.

If that was the case then we could not talk about anything, to anyone, ever. Not unless all parties were there to dicuss it at the time.

At the moment we have a version of events from the OP and are offering advice and opinion based on those events and the telling of them. That is all we can do.

Memnoch · 25-06-2008 9:57am

Petrolium Hat wrote: »

The obvious thing is that begging and nagging for sex is pathetic, immature and not condusive to a healthy relationship. Also everything he is doing is making the problem worse.

It's nothing to do with the amount of times he wants sex. That can be talked about and worked on if both parties are mature enough. It's his attitute of not giving a sh*t about anyone but himself and lacking the maturity to see what he's doing that's the problem.

This is the thing that I think is unfair. It's a notoriously difficult topic to bring up to talk about with your partner. And simply bringing it up can often make the partner on the recieving end defensive and react like "you're pressurising me,' etc. We don't know that the OP's boyfriend hasn't tried to bring it up and found the OP unwilling to listen.

And his reaction has been a result of that.

Petrolium Hat · 25-06-2008 10:03am

Sexdoll wrote: »

Hi Guys,

We met up last night and I explained to him that it's nothing personal when I don't want to have sex and that it doesn't mean I don't find him attractive.
I told him that I think he's gorgeous but I just haven't been in the mood lately. I'm on the pill and I've just moved jobs so maybe stress is a factor.
I also reassured him that my libido will return and it's not a big deal. He seemed happy with this explaination. I stayed over in his last night and he
wanted to have sex but my tummy felt sick and I really didn't feel like it. Well, to say he got annoyed is an understatement. He would barely speak to
me this morning either. In the car on the way to work I told him that the more pressure he puts me under, the more he's pushing me away and that
I'm not his little sex doll.

One more thing to add is that he doesn't just get angry, he keeps begging me to have sex with him. Like last night I said I feel a little unwell so I'm not in the mood and he's like..come on, ah come on etc..

Thanks guys.

That doesn't sound like it could be construed in any other way. I can see what you're saying Memnoch but what is described is not that he brought it up. Even if he did bring it up quite tactfully, it doesn't matter, now he is nagging. That is immature and is not going to fix anything.

"And his reaction has been a result of that. " I don't really think that's acceptable. I brought something up with you, I didnt get my way no I'm going to sulk.

Memnoch · 25-06-2008 11:40am

Petrolium Hat wrote: »

That doesn't sound like it could be construed in any other way. I can see what you're saying Memnoch but what is described is not that he brought it up. Even if he did bring it up quite tactfully, it doesn't matter, now he is nagging. That is immature and is not going to fix anything.

"And his reaction has been a result of that. " I don't really think that's acceptable. I brought something up with you, I didnt get my way no I'm going to sulk.

I don't know.

I mean if he is unhappy with the sex life, what are his options?

1) Bring it up...

it is either resolved or not. If it's not resolved and still unhappy then what are his options?

2) Be unhappy / leave / accept it as a price to pay for keeping the relationship.

It's easy for us to judge. But obviously he has feelings for the girl and doesn't want to leave her over this, yet he can't help feeling
unhappy and unsatisfied with the sex life. I think his reaction is just human.

I do accept that he is jumping the gun, which is a tad immature. If OP has told him to be patient and feels her libido will return to normal he should give it a bit and see if things return to normal, he owes her that much at least.

That being said, 3 times a week isn't bad by any means. But I know pleanty of guys who wouldn't consider that enough

Boyfriend begging me to have sex

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