I think I've a personality disorder.

LegacyUser

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I’m feeling some strange **** lately and I was hoping by writing it down and seeking advise it might help me sort my head out.

Where to begin, I’ll try keep all this short.

I’m a 25 year old male. (don’t know if that helps)

I’ll just jump right into examples:

I work in an office, nothing special. There’s about 7 people in the room. I get real jealous if I’m not involved in conversations, well I’d say more annoyed.

A new guy started in the office last month, and every time people in the office made conversation with him, I didn’t like it and when they came across something they have in common while chatting, I’ll get annoyed. I don’t know why that is.
It’s kind of like I want everyone to like me, but all hate each other.

It’s not like anyone is aware of this, I just sit there quietly pretending to go about my business.

Sometimes I sit quietly at my computer picking fights with people in the office in my head. In my mind I’m screaming and giving out to them, for something as stupid as arriving back from lunch late.

I’m always having mood swings in the office, I try keep them under wraps.
Something stupid will happen and it will set me off.

Like if the manager leaves and says goodbye to someone but not me, I’ll go home and worry over it. Was he trying to tell me something, does he not like me?

Sometimes I’d spend a whole weekend swinging from angry to anxious about stupid things that happened.

In contrast, when I’m out with my friends I’m the total opposite. I’m conformable in my skin (to a degree) I relax and have a good time.
For a while I just blamed the job I was in. I mean I’ve always been a little Paranoid, sometimes uncomfortable, but everyone gets like that right?

Lately I’ve started experiencing some strange new feelings.

Say for example I go out drinking with friends on a Friday night. I’ll have a few drinks and a good time. I’ll wait up the next day convinced I’ve done something bad, or illegal. I repeatedly scan my phone making such I didn’t ring or text anything bad to anyone.
Even though I KNOW I did nothing wrong it seems now that every time I wake up after drinking or being out, I convince myself I did something and the police are coming for me.

It sounds so ****ed up, even to me! I make myself sick with worry.

I use to think I was just a jealous asshole who had a little self esteem problem, but this new problem has me worried.. I’m scared I’m going to get worse and end up in a mental home.

What's wrong with me?

Why I'm i always worried the police are gonna put me in jail when i KNOW FOR A FACT i've done nothing wrong?
why i'm i jealous when i'm not involved in EVERY conversation.
Why do i have mood swings for no reason?

On the surface I appear as normal as anyone. So why is my mind falling a part like this?

I mean it’s not like I was ever mistreated as a child or had a hard life. There’s no reason why I should be like this.

Can someone point me in the right direction.

Thank you and sorry.

Susannahmia

It sounds like you are suffering from some kind of paranoia. My auntie gets like this when she is depressed so it might be a sign of some other problem you are having, maybe a chemical imbalence in the brain etc. If I were you I would talk to my gp and maybe arrange a referral to someone who would have more expertise in this area.

You dont have a personality disorder dont worry, that is completly different, and would have been present from childhood.

Oh by the way do you smoke hash much? Hash is a major cause of paranoid feelings, I have had a few friends who have been affected by it that way.

estar

it is unusual for anyone with a personality disorder to
be as aware of it as you are.

however i do think you are describing feelings of social anxiety
which can be dealt with. it is always good to question your
thoughts. seeing a good counsellor who can help you
challenge how and why you feel the way you do on a regular
basis would be beneficial for you and take some of the pressure from
you. your anxiety around your popularity and performance in work
and your calculating approach to the analysis of other people
and the living a double life effect you describe whereby in your
head you feel like a different person would all be
in keeping with a general social anxiety.

you describe yourself in quite a negative fashion. what are you
good at? what positive things do you bring to a group?

challenge your more negative thoughts. if you feel jealous
it is probably because you see a person who appears more
free than you gettng attention and you would like to be more
at ease.

in social situations and in work no one can get attention all the time
you must take a back seat like everyone else from time to time.
work on accepting this, and not resenting it. that is not a
realistic appraisal of what working life is about.

instead of thinking and focusing on yourself, think more
of people around you. how can you make their day easier and nicer.

the anger - the screaming in your head at people fantasies.

you must identify the source of this anger and talk about it.

if i were you i would visit a therapist once a week or every two
weeks for a couple of months for the support it will offer you
and the insights you will learn.

i would also recommend some volunteer work so that you
learn more and focus more on other people and remove the spotlight
from yourself in your head.

its going to be ok.

Mikel

Do drink much tea/coffee/coke? Caffeine will add to your anxiety.
Also limit your intake of sugar. Probably not the root of your problem but your diet could make your mood swings and anxiety worse

Wurly

Hey OP, I can relate to this. I had a touch of this years back. Many people do this to a degree but would never admit to it.

It could be a few things. It could be covert OCD or it could be an anxiety disorder but I have a feeling its the former from my experience. I suffered from covert OCD very badly for years .I will always have OCD but it rarely surfaces anymore because I have learned techniques to handle it and recognise it for what it is when episodes happen.

I know how you feel. These thoughts just invade your mind and make you feel like you're sick or going crazy. Most of the time that you think of something messed up, you would rarely act out. Hence the word 'covert'.

The good news is a. you are completely normal and b. it can be successfully managed. Whatever the diagnosis is, the condition is usually made worse by anxiety. I found that keeping myself busy with activities that I enjoy helped enourmously. When I was in a boring setting, e.g. work, I would try to imagine a happy thought in my mind until the bad one's went away. I understand that its almost like an itch you want to scratch and change is hard at the beginning, but stick with it because the rewards are amazing. Its great that you can be yourself around your friends and let go in social settings. Maybe try and see your friends more or get involved in activities where you have the potential to meet new one's. The more active your mind, the less time it will have to deal with these intrusive thoughts and the more easliy you will be able to brush them aside.

I'm not saying for sure that you have OCD now. But intrusive thoughts are very much a part of OCD and you display this. Therefore, the treatments available are somewhat the same. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for example. Google OCD Ireland (I don't think im allowed post links onto this forum). They have support classes, tips and numbers of trained CBT professionals for you to call.

Lastly, the fact that you are aware of this issue, will hold you in great stead. I was the same and it aided my recovery no end. Write down what you are feeling too - it helps. Burn it afterwards (or bin it, especially if in work - lol).

The very very best of luck. If you would like to PM me with your progress, I would love to hear how you are getting on. Or indeed, if you ever need a chat or reassurance, im very happy to help you.

Tri.x:cool:

Dudess

I really doubt it's a "personality disorder" or paranoia - we do have a tendency to build things up into something more than they are. It seems more like a touch of anxiety which is causing feelings of insecurity and negativity, and for some reason it manifests itself in your workplace. As you say, you're comfortable when out with your mates. Plus you also appear to be over-analysing things at work, which isn't helping.
Try to think about things more logically and bear in mind that things aren't as hopeless as they appear at work - if you got more involved with your colleagues you'd feel included, but I know that's not always easy. Sometimes we can work with people whom we simply cannot connect with. Teach yourself to relax - this is no big deal. And if you find you're unable to change your thinking and it's starting to get worse, go to your doctor - it's perfectly normal and common to visit the doctor about anxiety.

Jim

The things you described and the way you've described them pretty much sound exactly like me. I've felt that way for a long time and knew it was never quite "normal". Used to keep saying to myself it was just in my head and to forget about it. Used to have to say to friends if I did or said anything strange to ignore me.

I'm totally different now, much more in control. My issue stemed from a medical problem, specifically with my digestive system. I have an intolerance of certain foods (yeast, sugar, chocolate, caffine...the list goes on). To cut a long story short these would cause me to feel ill when I ate them. I decided to completly alter my diet and cut out all foods I was intolerant to. After a couple of months I noticed a massive change in my overall health as well as my mental health. I was much more optimistic about everything and felt much more in control of my thoughts and emotions. The last couple of weeks I've gone back on the foods and my head is all over the place. I'm highly emtional and feel very paranoid.

I think what we eat and drink is very overlooked when it comes to mental issues. Do you have any food intolerances that you ignore? (I ignored mine for years, the symptoms weren't too severe)

tbh

it sounds like you are having a hard time dealing with things which we all have to deal with. I'm not saying that to make you feel like a failure, I'm saying it to point out that you're going to have to deal with this, and preferably soon while it's an annoyance rather than a full blown problem.

Your problem could be caused by a chemical imbalance in your body, or it could be caused because you never learned the skills needed to cope with the ups and downs of life.

either way, there are a number of steps you'll have to take to deal with this problem. Taken as a whole, sometimes those steps seem quite scary, but what people forget is that you don't go straight from start to finish, you take it one step at a time. Each step gives you the strength to go on to the next step.

I think in your case, your best first step is going to talk to your GP. They will have seen this problem lots of times before, and so they'll have the experience and training to help you to take the next step, whatever that might be.

I think that if this is making you unhappy, and it obviously is, you should try to make an appointment this week, so that you can move from "what the hell is wrong with me and how can I fix it?" to fixing it. I wish you the best of luck, and it'd be great if you could let us know what happens.

Gina Brel

Hi
Fair play to you for being so honest with what's going on in your thoughts,feelings etc.
I think you need to go to a G.P. who can refer you to the right professional who can help you deal with what your going through.
Please do this as soon as you can.
I dont know if you've a personality disorder but a professional will be able to properly assess you .I think you need to cut down on the alcohol if you can, as it's affecting your thoughts in a serious way the next day.
All the best

Kazobel

Hi OP, it's not a personallity disorder and it's not paronia either, it's control issues, I don't mean "issues" as in problems I just mean you like to be in control of your environment and when you're not that feeling kicks in and will always make you feel inadaquite. You even say that when you're with your friends you feel OK but thats because in that situation you have control so are in your safe zone, outside of that you can't affect peoples actions so stress about imagined actions but that's all they are...imagined. Talk to someone, you really need to and between now and then become better friends with your co workers, you'll find if they're your friends this won't happen as much and by the way the getting locked up stress happens to alot of people, it's a very common worry, it's part of that trapped feeling you're experiencing at the moment, you really need to talk to someone or it'll just lead to anxiety and panic attacks beause that's where it's leading right now. Just see someone, it'll help alot to talk about it, best of luck

Gina Brel

I disagree with some of what you've said Kazobel.This person sounds like he is having paranoid thoughts,in his own words.
He needs to speak to a professional.

LegacyUser

I used to have similar probelms. I still do but to a lesser extent. I used to get really paranoid for all sorts of reasons.

I was diagnosed with General Axiety Disorder (GAD). Basicly means I frequently anxious for stupid reasons and even though I am aweare of that I should not worry at all I cannot help it.

Go see a GP. Tell them every little detail no matter how insignificant. They should then refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist. They may then choose to put you on medications, send you for therapy or both.

I am currently on an antidepressant which also reduces anxiety. It really has changed my life. I will be going for therapy when I finish work in a few months.

Hope you fell better soon,
Kev

Earthhorse

Hi OP. First thing I would say is that self diagnosis is one of the worst things you can engage in. If you really want to know whether these symptoms amount to an illness you need to see a professional, starting with your GP.

One piece of advice I have for you, though, relates to the imaginary conversations you're having in your head. The next time you find yourself doing this, force yourself to become concious of what you're doing. Step back, in your mind, and observe what's about to take place. It's very easy to let fantasies, particularly ones we've been running for a while, play themselves out but it's very rarely helpful. Instead, just check yourself, take a deep breath, let it out and let the fantasy extinguish itself in your head. If it starts up again in a minute then do the same. Rinse and repeat as necessary. You'll get better with practise.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the kind replies, I haven;t the time right now but I'll get around to thanking you all. But i will.

I understand i need to see a GP, but is there anyway i can go right to a therapist? It's just I've known my doctor since i was a kid and I don't think i'd feel comfortable talking to him you know?

Wibbs

Gina Brel wrote: »

He needs to speak to a professional.

That would be my take on it. If this is worrying the OP and impacting his life then take the next step.

Mollywolly

Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now and I understand that you wouldn't want to be speaking to your GP about this, but he would be able to refer you to the right kind of professional. That said, You can make an appointment with a therapist direct (there are loads of them in the golden pages and local press) but be careful that you go to see someone who has the right qualifications. They charge a fair bit of money and I would hate to see you conned. Good luck.

Kevo

Go to a different GP. My parents are my doctors so when I don't want them to know about something I just go to the clinic opposite the Dail. Lots of places dont take on new patients but it isn't hard to find one that does.
I would suggest going to the GP first as they will refer you to someone they know is good. Its only an extra 50 euro anyway. They may also start you on medication while you are waiting to see a psychiatrist.

Susannahmia

mental_case wrote: »

Thank you for all the kind replies, I haven;t the time right now but I'll get around to thanking you all. But i will.

I understand i need to see a GP, but is there anyway i can go right to a therapist? It's just I've known my doctor since i was a kid and I don't think i'd feel comfortable talking to him you know?

If you do go direct to a therapist make sure that they are properly qualified. There are a lot of counsellors out there with crappy qualifications that will probably do more harm than good. Make sure that they are actually qualified psychologists, the most common good ones out there would specialise in counselling psychology . Alternatively, as Kevo said just go to a different gp, he will definitely be able to send you to someone with a good reputation and who suits your particular symptoms. Also depending on your symptoms your gp might alternatively decide to send you to a psychiatrist if it was more suitable so without going through the gp you might risk going through the wrong treatment.

Kevo

A psychiatrist can prescribe something to relieve your symptoms quickly. You may then be sent to a psychologist for therapy. IMO this is a much better option as the medication will take care of the anxiety while you get therapy.