Cheating update (Who to believe)

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 12:16am #1

I posted a thread (suspicous and paranoid) a few days ago.Since then the girl whom my bf cheated on me with sent me this message.....

"we were up in X's the first night as you probably know it was the night you weren't there. we were up in the atiTc room, me, X and I can't niamh and keith or jay and niamh's friend up there aswell . we were all lying on a couch. X was beside me he kept cuddling up to me then he kissed me and we touched each other. we were then left alone and I said I had to go. so I left. he later admitted that if I stayed that night he would of slept with me. at practice he was always sneaking down for a smoke with me and he'd start making out with me. I'll admitt i was stupid and wrong for not stopping it at the time but I'll throw my hands up in the air and shout that I was stupid back then and layed with alot of guys to destroy them for fun. its a dark area of my past that I'm not proud of. X always said he wouldn't break up with you cause he was afraid to, the night you satyed up with us in jays he was pissed off that you wanted to come cause he said he wanted to hook up with me that night. I know none of this is easy to hear. but i am a different person now and I am sorry.

My bf (X) Says it was one kiss outside the house when she was gettin in a taxi. And he txt her and told her to leave him alone. He didn fancy her and he didnt want that to happen.How

Who will I believe!!!!!!!!

My bf's friend gave me the same story as the girls....

dudara · 22-06-2008 12:19am

My viewpoint is this: what she says may be true or it may not. It doesn't really matter. All this is taking place between yourself and your partner. That's who you need to talk to and sort things out with (for better or for worse). Don't let other people influence your relationship.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 12:23am

but i need to know the truth for us to talk about it

dudara · 22-06-2008 12:28am

Do you think that you're getting the truth from someone who thinks is it acceptable to email with you with such hurtful information? A woman who does such an action has her own motives.

Talk to your boyfriend.

bronte · 22-06-2008 12:30am

At the slightest hint of betrayal I run a mile.
Life is too short to be disrespected.
Up to you op, but I do think you should talk to the bf.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 12:31am

Oh sorry should have said....i asked her to tell me whole story.

I tried...he is sticking to original story.

mehfesto2 · 22-06-2008 12:52am

I mean no insult, but you're not going to get the truth here.

Personally, these people don't sound like they're worth your time. They aren't good for you. There's too many nice guys out there looking for a nice girl to worry over this gombeen. Leave these arseholes to each other I say.

Imagine if you kept on with this guy. You'd still have continious niggling thoughts about his faithfulness.

It sounds hard, but at least one of these people obviously don't seem to respect you enough to tell you the truth. The one thing you want in a real relationship is honesty. There can't be love without honesty.

Hope I've helped.
I wish you all the best!

MagicMarker · 22-06-2008 12:55am

Either way, they didn't have sex. The impression you're giving off is that if your BF is telling the truth, then you won't leave him. So it seems that you're ok with him kissing another girl, so long as he doesn't lie about it?

That's some ****ed up reasoning right there, regardless of who is telling the truth, your boyfriend still cheated on you.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 12:56am

Thanks.....you make alot of sense. My other thread was about those niggling feelings in fact

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 12:59am

He is my 1st bf.We have been together nearly 5 years( since I was 13). I lost my virginity to him. He is only the 4th guy i have ever kissed.I wouldn know what to do without him he is pretty much my life.Hence the forgiveness plus everyone makes mistakes....if they are big enough to tell the truth then its ok.

MagicMarker · 22-06-2008 1:04am

HouseHippo wrote: »

He is my 1st bf.We have been together nearly 5 years( since I was 13). I lost my virginity to him. He is only the 4th guy i have ever kissed.I wouldn know what to do without him he is pretty much my life.Hence the forgiveness plus everyone makes mistakes....if they are big enough to tell the truth then its ok.

So, if he slept with her, or any woman for that matter, it's ok so long as he admits it?

Sorry, that's a complete cop out.

Admitting betrayal isn't being a good guy, not cheating on the woman you supposedly love IS!

Unfortunately, you're young so you probably won't even listen to my advice and this will happen in the future and you'll wonder why you wasted so many years on this guy. The fact you've been together for so long from such a young age means that you really do think he's your life, and that you cannot live without him, and that will be your downfall.

I also highly doubt that this is the first time he's done something like this, if not worse.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 1:12am

MY AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.just cause im young doesn make me an idiot I have a brain. Im actually forgiving him because i love him.It hurts to let go of someone you love....even if you are young.

But that I worry about.He says this is the only time he has ever cheated.....but can i believe that.

Silverfish · 22-06-2008 1:19am

HouseHippo wrote: »

MY AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.just cause im young doesn make me an idiot I have a brain. Im actually forgiving him because i love him.It hurts to let go of someone you love....even if you are young.

But that I worry about.He says this is the only time he has ever cheated.....but can i believe that.

Well he would say that, cos it's the only time you know about.

As far as I'm concerned, your boyfriend has more to gain by lying to you at this stage than the girl who sent you the text.

Maybe the real story is somewhere in the middle. But still, I'd be looking at wrapping up that relationship.

davyjose · 22-06-2008 1:19am

HouseHippo wrote: »

MY AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.just cause im young doesn make me an idiot I have a brain. Im actually forgiving him because i love him.It hurts to let go of someone you love....even if you are young.

But that I worry about.He says this is the only time he has ever cheated.....but can i believe that.

DO you believe it? Obviously not, or this question wouldn't be asked.

Nobody is saying you should break up, but it seems you are refusing that option entirely, which means you aren't thinking the whole thing through.

And your age doesn't matter. Whether you like it or not, you cannot have built up the emotional maturity to deal with this. Ask one of the female Mods on this site would they react the same way as you because "it hurts to leave someone."

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 1:26am

Yeah thats sorta what im thinking about

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 1:27am

ive lost both my parents in a year and am looking after my grandparents who are not the greatest people in the whole world.....i have alot of emotional maturity....believe me.

MagicMarker · 22-06-2008 1:28am

HouseHippo wrote: »

MY AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.just cause im young doesn make me an idiot I have a brain. Im actually forgiving him because i love him.It hurts to let go of someone you love....even if you are young.

Yes it does hurt, but you can't be with someone who treats you like dirt and disrecpects you, just because it'll hurt to do the right thing and get rid. This is how we mature, this is how we grow stronger.

I don't mean to patronise you when i mention your age, but i honestly think if you were 10 years old you would see this from a different viewpoint. Right now your judgment is clouded by this guy, your first boyfriend who you've been with for the duration of your teens. I saw your other thread about having no friends except your BF. I believe part of you knows that he's treated you badly but you're willing to accept it because you're afraid to be alone.

HouseHippo wrote: »

But that I worry about.He says this is the only time he has ever cheated.....but can i believe that.

Can you be with someone you don't trust? If he kissed this girl, there's absolutely no reason why he wouldn't have done it before.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 2:02am

yeah or again.........I dont mean to sound like a bitch its just everyone is always on at me about age.Sorry.

MagicMarker · 22-06-2008 2:10am

HouseHippo wrote: »

yeah or again.........I dont mean to sound like a bitch its just everyone is always on at me about age.Sorry.

Put it this way, lets say you had a close friend and their BF did this, what would you tell them?

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 2:16am

Thats exactly what im tryin to do....step out of it.To be honest i dont know. I think her story sounds alot more convincing...and id give him a slap

davyjose · 22-06-2008 2:36am

HouseHippo wrote: »

ive lost both my parents in a year and am looking after my grandparents who are not the greatest people in the whole world.....i have alot of emotional maturity....believe me.

Then you'll know that staying with someone because you're scared of being single, is not a good idea.

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 2:39am

Im not scared of being single. I have had plenty other offers..... i just love my bf.

davyjose · 22-06-2008 4:37am

HouseHippo wrote: »

Im not scared of being single. I have had plenty other offers..... i just love my bf.

Sorry, I must have got you wrong. This here:

HouseHippo wrote: »

He is only the 4th guy i have ever kissed.I wouldn know what to do without him he is pretty much my life.Hence the forgiveness.

was probably why.

If you love him, that's a fair reason for thinking this through. But only you can decide if he's worth sticking with after what he did. You might forgive him, but if you can't get over this, it'll demolish your relationship.

dudara · 22-06-2008 10:54am

HouseHippo wrote: »

ive lost both my parents in a year and am looking after my grandparents who are not the greatest people in the whole world.....i have alot of emotional maturity....believe me.

The more you protest about it, the less mature you sound. You're 18 right, and although people mature at different ages in their lives, most of us really don't turn into fully mature emotional adults until at least 25. (Sorry if that offends anyone's sense of maturity - but that's my opinion). It takes that long because you need to experience life in order to develop maturity.

As for your relationship, I can understand your confusion. This is your first potential breakup and you've invested a lot emotionally in this boy, (I won't say man because he is still a boy at that age).

You have your suspicions and worries. You've spoken to him about them. If he has made no real effort to address those, then you're better off without him. In one way it doesn't actually matter whether he cheated or not. It's how he treats you is important. He doesn't seem to be treating you with respect.

CathyMoran · 22-06-2008 11:13am

Personally I would not trust the other woman, she appears to be trying to break you two up and is looking to enjoy getting the spoils. Best of luck to you.

molloyjh · 22-06-2008 12:06pm

HouseHippo wrote: »

MY AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.just cause im young doesn make me an idiot I have a brain. Im actually forgiving him because i love him.It hurts to let go of someone you love....even if you are young.

But that I worry about.He says this is the only time he has ever cheated.....but can i believe that.

Can I be honest and say your age has everything to do with it. Not in how smart/stupid you may be. However from the sounds of it (you said his mate backed up her side of things) he isn't being completely honest. And even if he was you should still strongly consider dumping him. The last thing you need to do is give him the message that kissing someone else is acceptable in any way.

With relation to your age, I'd say thats the biggest positive here. You say he is your life etc, but take it from me you've the best few years of your life ahead of you. In my experience your early 20's is when you do most of your growing up and when you have the most fun. There are so many cases of people who's partner are their lifes when they are in their 40's or 50's and a break-up then could really be a devastating one.

From your point of view if you break up it will most definitely hurt, but you're in a great position to get over it. You'll be going to college and/or entering the workforce. These are places where you'll be expanding your social scene more than any other time in your life and it gives you a perfect platform for moving on. So in that regard your age is the best thing you have in the situation.

You also have to remember that your teens and your 20's are a period of huge change from a personal point of view, for yourself and your bf. Its very hard to mantain a relationship like that through-out these periods if you end up growing apart. It may be worth thinking about whether or not that is already happening. You may not feel like you've changed in the last 5 years, but you most likely have. And so has he.

Don't get too down over it one way or another, just remind yourself that some of the best times are to come and that life goes on. If you end up staying with him then good luck, if not then take every opportunity to get out there with mates and have a laugh. You'll find yourself getting over him quicker that way, and you never know who you might meet in the process.

molloyjh · 22-06-2008 12:08pm

HouseHippo wrote: »

ive lost both my parents in a year and am looking after my grandparents who are not the greatest people in the whole world.....i have alot of emotional maturity....believe me.

Sorry, didn't see this until after. Fair play to you, that must be one hell of a tough situation. Is it possible that you've grown up quicker than him due to your circumstance and that has caused a bit of a rift?

king_of_inismac · 22-06-2008 12:16pm

Two things you should take into consideration:

1. Would you do it to him? If not, does he love you less, or respect you less?

2. Loving someone isn't enough. If it was, we'd all be married to the first person we fell in love with. You need to find someone who respects you, makes you happy, etc.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but it would be difficult to trust him again, and after 5 years its hard to see why he did it if he loves you as much as you love him.

best of luck

akamossy · 22-06-2008 7:03pm

I can understand where your coming from. last year i discovered my now ex had cheated on me, and like you i wanted to forgive him and stay with him, But sorry to say you will never forget this and with me it just turned into a poisonous relationship. I've never to this day let him forget what he did to me and thats why we could never be together again. I at the time also loved him but with time i got over those feelings and realised i deserved more than that.

Thing is i am not being patronizing here but you are only 18 and you are still so young, tying yourself down to a guy at your age especially one you know you can't trust is a big mistake. You have to go through a lot of frogs to find your prince or at least someone who treats you well. I thought i'd never find anyone but now i have a great boyfriend who i love more than anything.

You will move on, you mightn't see it now but you will. I personally don't think you should forgive him cuz hes gonna think that hes gonna be able to do it again and hes gonna think that hes in charge. Call it a day now, you will hurt for a while but you'll feel much better in the long run.

Good luck to ya

HouseHippo · 22-06-2008 11:19pm

Thats the best bit of advice ive gotten so far.Sums up exactly how things are at the moment...im seriously thinking of calling it a day

akamossy · 22-06-2008 11:22pm

HouseHippo wrote: »

Thats the best bit of advice ive gotten so far.Sums up exactly how things are at the moment...im seriously thinking of calling it a day

I honestly think you would be better off in the long run. Im sure there are plenty of guys out there for ya and one that would treat you right. I know its scary, it was for me. But once i got back out there, i realised how much i did not deserve the way he treated me and that i didn't need him.

I won't lie, it will be hard for a while but it always is with break ups. I just think once someone breaks your trust its so hard to get it back, you'll never forget it and you'll always be wondering is he always telling you the truth.

Peewee_lane · 23-06-2008 10:02am

Hey House Hippo, I once posted unreg here when I was in a similar relationship based on lies and distrust, in this forum, around this time last year. With the helpful advice of posters, I left him on the basis of all his lies, and how they ate away at me, I was so unhappy and not the person who went into that relationship anymore, anyway - I left him, and have had no contact since. Nearly 4 years we were together OP. I am the girl who broke free and moved on, and I cannot tell you how hard it is when your thinking about it, but I can tell you how great and easy it is to be that person now on the other side of the fence.

Now I dont think I'll ever stay in a relationship with someone who ever lies to me again, you really can have it your own way, it is a liberating feeling when you break free and re-estbalish who you were before you went into the relationship.

If it hurts - cut it loose.

I wont lie, for months I thought about him, they way you do throughout the day, but the rewards are great, you get to be happy again.

LegacyUser · 23-06-2008 10:04am

OP doesnt matter what this woman says - Personally I dont believe her - she is enjoying cause pain
But that doesnt change the fact that your BF cheated
I'd say the truth lies somewhere in between both accounts

akamossy · 23-06-2008 10:32am

Peewee_lane wrote: »

Hey House Hippo, I once posted unreg here when I was in a similar relationship based on lies and distrust, in this forum, around this time last year. With the helpful advice of posters, I left him on the basis of all his lies, and how they ate away at me, I was so unhappy and not the person who went into that relationship anymore, anyway - I left him, and have had no contact since. Nearly 4 years we were together OP. I am the girl who broke free and moved on, and I cannot tell you how hard it is when your thinking about it, but I can tell you how great and easy it is to be that person now on the other side of the fence.

Now I dont think I'll ever stay in a relationship with someone who ever lies to me again, you really can have it your own way, it is a liberating feeling when you break free and re-estbalish who you were before you went into the relationship.

If it hurts - cut it loose.

I wont lie, for months I thought about him, they way you do throughout the day, but the rewards are great, you get to be happy again.

Exactly what i was trying to say and another great example of how much happier the person was after they left. I get that this girl might be trying to stir it but fact is he cheated and he lied. Get out of there now, you won't regret it.

Cheating update (Who to believe)

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