abusive relationships

LegacyUser

Hi all

Just wondering do people here think previous abusive relationships ever affect the possiblities of finding happiness with another person?

Thanks

dudara

OP, how is this a personal issue for you? Try to be a little more specific here, so people can offer the best advice.

dudara

RedXIV

If i was with someone who was in an abusive relationship in the past, i don't think it'd affect much at all if they were happy now.

Possibly make me more considerate

spurious

Being on the receiving end of abuse in a relationship in the past certainly makes you a bit more wary.
I suppose it would depend just how long the abuse continued for and how damaging it was to a person. I have had relationships since my abusive one, none were 'the one' but I don't think that's any more than the law of averages.

biko

Took me a while to decipher the OP but Yes, you can find happiness after having been in an abusive relationship.

LadyE

From experience I would say it makes the person who was in the abusive relationship very withdrawn towards the new one, always assumingt he worst and getting on the defensive bandwagon when its unneccessary.

It takes time to get out of this mindframe I think (that they wont be treated in the same way!) but it does happen..they wont be in that mentality forever.

Gumbyman

Definitely. You will be surprised how resilient you can be.

LegacyUser

I was in one for over 2 years.
A year single after that, and now about to marry the love of my life who wouldn't hurt a fly.
I was extremely low and lacking in self-esteem. It was both physical and mental bullying and I lost a lot of confidence in myself.
It took a while to get back to normal and I have to admit I did take to the dating scene very easily and might have done things I shouldn't but I think it was to prove my self-worth. (ie. a bit of a slapper). But then got it all out of my system, met a totally lovable man and 5 years later getting married.
My family worried that I was attracted to these type of men and were very wary of who I was falling for.
But all ok in the end. But I do still wonder where he is now, and is he still doing it to other girls. I'd love to be able to warn them.

DenMan

Hi OP

It can be difficult for people to move on from an abusive relationship in the past. I have known people who have struggled to move on after experiencing it. I have also met people who have moved on with their lives and have become better people as a result. I would say absolutely you can move on. You deserve better. There are plenty of good people out there. The are bad ones too alright, but there are also a lot of good ones. The important thing is to learn from your past and embrace change. Even here on the boards is a great way to help you to get back on track. There are/were people in your position here too. Getting it down can help you move on and meet new people. Register here on Boards.ie and you feel much better about yourself, trust me. You are not alone. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks denman that ment alot and to every one else for your replies thanks.

dudara

OP, it's all about you and what you want to make happen in your life. If you still believe in goodness and love, then a loving caring relationship will happen for you.

uoluol

I too was in an abusive relationship. Thankfully it broke up, even though at the time I thought I was devastated . I did in time become a much stronger person, but it did in some ways "harden" me. I don't suffer fools gladly, and do not give an inch. It does change you, but in many ways for the better.

I'm now with a wonderful guy, never thought I would ever meet or deserve such a person, but believe me there are fantastic people out there. Take your time, (in my case it was years before I could trust again) look after yourself and in time you will be ready to move on. Go easy on yourself. It's difficult but you will get there.

brown-dog

My current girlfriend was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and was very fragile when I met her first, always getting twisted when we went drinking and a bit mad like she was out to prove she was alright even though she wasn't and when sober she was very shy and not at all like she was when drunk but I liked her because she was very funny but didnt know it! All her friends thought so to and after time went by she started to come around and doesnt drink at all now and we have been together 2 years!
There is hope after an abusive relationship, its just who you go out with after. You need to find someone who supports you and loves you for who you are - not what they want you or expect you to become!

LegacyUser

Just another thing after reading the reply about it making you harder. I agree with this in a way as it made me much more determined never to fall in love again because that meant surrendering that would make me vunerable again.
Anyway, I did fall in love again, but it took a bit longer than normal.
Another positive to come out of it is that I'm an extremely good judge of character now. If I meet someone with a similar personality or temperment, I generally try not to associate.
These guys usually bull***t a lot, big themselves up and don't get happy drunk.
But they can also be the biggest charmers. and there are lots of them out there!
I also discovered how common domestic violence is. When I was able to talk about it, I started hearing about friends aunt's and other friends that it has happened to (and some still suffer).
I'm glad that I can talk about it openly, it definitely helps. Although I was very embarrassed at the time. (I went back to him 5 or 6 times, I was ashamed I fell for his promises that it wouldn't happen again and felt like an idiot when it did).
Side effect 6 years later is that I very occasionally get a nightmare about it. I think its only normal though. It was a traumatic time.