What would you do?

lisajane

I work with someone. Some polish one. I never had anything against her until 2 years ago. I was talking to someone else when she butted in and completely insulted me. I can take insults (in a joking type of way) from people im talking to. But when this one insulted me, she was at the other side of the room and heard me talking and just came up to me and said the most insulting thing. She put me in tears.
She did say she was sorry. But she only said it cause i was crying. I don't know why she insulted me only to turn around 5 minutes later and tell me she was sorry. So i didn't accept her apology.
Anyway ever since then i have just ignored her. I pretend she's not even there.

Should i have accepted her apology? Or am i the 1 taking it to far by completely ignoring her for 2 years.

Just want to know what would you do in my place.

Captain Ginger

Life is too short to hold grudges like that. I think after two years it might be easier for both of you to at least try to get along?

I have had people say horrible things to me an never heard "I'm sorry".


Of course you don't have to be her best friend, but the odd "hi" or whatever might take some of that old tension out of the atmosphere?

Gone West

What did she say?

raemie21

Yeah, what was the insult exactly?
And why is it suddenly bothering you after two years?

That's some length of time if you see her everyday. Takes far more effort to actively ignore someone than to be polite and offer minimal conversation - that's my view anyway.

girl2

Forgiving her and moving on is about you, not about her. You have held on to the for a long long time and I feel that it is the only healthy thing to do would be to let go of this.

DenMan

It takes a better person to just move on and let it pass. Two years is a very long time to have this still inside you. She may or may not have been in the country too long when she said it. No excuse I know but some people react differently to being in another country. Best to put it behind you. You could even have a new friend if all goes well. Main thing is that you will feel much better that this matter will be finally laid to rest.

estar

try and get to know her before you make a decision.

you dont know her now, and are basing this on one comment

she might have a good side

try and find out.

then if she really is a cow, resume ignoring.

AngryBadger

You're taking it too far.

Whether she was being genuine, or just covering herself, why would you hold a grudge for two years?

Unless there's some kind of history here, you're only hurting yourslef bearing this kind of malica for 2 years,

honestly I'd be inclined to wonder if you wanted this situation

RedXIV

2 years? whoa..... she must have said something pretty bad to last that long.

I'm too lazy to hold a grudge more than 2 hours so i can't really comprehend this idea. My advice would be forgive and forget. so she said something 2 years ago? why would you let something that far back in the past dominate your thinking?

How Strange

this happened 2 years ago :eek:

lisajane, at the risk of offending you, get over yourself.

I personally believe that holding a grudge makes you a bitter, twisted person. The amount of energy that you waste ingoring the girl could be channeled into something positive and productive.

You need to bury this thing once and for all. You don't have to like the girl or be friends with her but FFS you're still sulking two years later.

Pub07

Eh, why are people advising her to let it go and befriend this bitch? She musta said something terrible to have had such and effect on the op - and she went out of her way to come over and say it - hence she must be a total c*nt. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone like that? I'd just keep ignoring her op, and if she gives you any lip give her just as good back.

MJOR

lisajane wrote: »

I work with someone. Some polish one. I never had anything against her until 2 years ago. I was talking to someone else when she butted in and completely insulted me. I can take insults (in a joking type of way) from people im talking to. But when this one insulted me, she was at the other side of the room and heard me talking and just came up to me and said the most insulting thing.

Sorry but in all fairness just put it behind you. You are wasting energy ignoring her. Nobody is suggesting you head out and go on th p!ss with her but forget it. A two year grudge is a bit silly IMO

Wibbs

A thing I've learned about insults or personal slights, it's all about me not the other person. If you really look at it, insults are never personal. I know that sounds daft(it is me afterall ), but it's not that daft.

If someone calls you a martian, you're not going to even register it as it has no bearing on you as a person. You would laugh it off and think the person saying it as a wierdo. Their perception of you as a martian is silly.

Now if someone says something that does insult you this deeply, then it something that does have resonance within you. Not them. An insult is only hurtful if you believe there's truth in it. You essentially use their comment as ammunition in your own battle against yourself. The bullet has long left the insulters gun. To hurt yourself for two years after such a comment should be long forgotten is a waste of you and your energy.

Let it go. See it for what it is or was. A comment on a strangers perception of you. Nothing more.

NextSteps

You've been in a snot for two years over one comment, that was apologised for? Give the girl - and your workmates - a break. The atmosphere must be lousy!

There's no point making our circumstances less pleasant than they need be.

K_P

Is it possible that because she's "some Polish one" her English might not have been perfect and what might have been intended as an innocent comment came out insulting.

Even if she did mean it, two years is ridiculous. You don't have to be her best friend, just civil. You're also probably making your other workmates uncomfortable by them having to deal with this. FFS, grow up.

Edit: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=55903835#post55903835

lisajane wrote: »

On my last day (hopefully it'l be soon). Im goin to tell someone i work with just how much of a cow she really is and hopefully il put her crying. Just like she did to me 2 years ago. I never spoke to her since then, so i guess she knows already but im going to say it in words and really give it to her.

I'd just like to reiterate. Put the schoolyard bull**** behind you and grow up.

Yes, 2 years is WAY too long unless it was something REALLY bad. I'm wondering what it was she could have said that was so bad to deserve 2 years of being ignored. It's hard to advise without knowing what it was or what kind of comment it was. I do know myself from working in foreign countries, it can be really hard to express yourself 100% in another language. My boss in Spain once refused to speak to me for a week because of a comment she perceived as rude (all I said was 'do you want me to do it or not?', which apparently is very rude in Spanish) but I honestly hadn't meant it that way and I thought it was so childish of her to hold it against me. So you should bear the language barrier in mind.

AngryBadger

Pub07 wrote: »

Eh, why are people advising her to let it go and befriend this bitch? She musta said something terrible to have had such and effect on the op - and she went out of her way to come over and say it - hence she must be a total c*nt. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone like that? I'd just keep ignoring her op, and if she gives you any lip give her just as good back.

Well one reason why it's stupid to keep ignoring her is that all the OP is achieving is to frustrate and torment herself.

She's also probably making the work environment very uncomfortable for other people she works with who have nothing to do with this exchange in the first place.

Legally, there's a possibility "some polish one" could have her up for bullying/intimidation. Ignoring someone in work is a form of intimidation. I'm not saying there's definitely a case against the OP, but there's definitely grounds for "some polish one" making a complaint to HR.

Ignoring this one for 2 years probably makes work very unpleasant for the OP.

Also, I've no doubt her bosses have noticed her attitude and it's probably hurting her chances of promotion.

So there's 4 very good reasons why people are advising the OP to let it go.

I'd love to know what age you are OP, because I find it hard to believe a mature adult would bear a grudge over something this frivolous for 2 years. Granted I don't know what was said, but I can't imagine a scenario where you could justify keeping this grudge up for 2 years, particularly when she apologised.

Telling other people what you think of her before you leave is only going to make you seem like an even bigger fool OP, I'd drop that idea.

However I strongly suspect there's more to this story than one comment.

Dudess

OP, you posted a thread once expressing your rage at someone offering you some birthday cake when you were trying to lose weight. Maybe don't take things so much to heart, and don't harbour stuff - let it go. Seriously, you'll feel better for it.

AngryBadger

Dudess wrote: »

OP, you posted a thread once expressing your rage at someone offering you some birthday cake when you were trying to lose weight

...seriously?

Just out of curiousity, why are you only now asking whether or not it's crazy to maintain this kind of grudge? Did something happen more recently to make you re-consider?

ergonomics

lisajane wrote: »

Should i have accepted her apology? Or am i the 1 taking it to far by completely ignoring her for 2 years.

TWO YEARS? I'm sorry but that is really sad. Build a bridge and get over it ffs.

lisajane

Its interesting what other people thinks. I don't think there is a bad atmosphere in work regarding this. If we have to work together, we will but nothing more. Our work doesn't involve speaking to 1 another. So we just get on with it.
Regarding what she said. She insulted me and half my family. I wasn't speaking to her at the time and she went out of her way to insult me. And she was fluent in english, so being polish has nothing to do with it. That's what really got to me-going out of her way to insult me. That's not nice. I don't see why i should have to speak to someone like that.

I cant beleive so many people would forgive and forget.

Why im asking here and after 2 years??? Lately she's been purposely getting me down in my work. She'l push things at me, making me move out of the way for her. While walking past me she'l walk into what i do and knock it over. I would have to do it again and its only wasting time. I can understand the first time, it might have been accentidently. But it's happening everyday.

It didn't bother me until she started all this. Im not sure what she's at. Maybe she's trying to push me and really get a comment from me - so she'l have a reason to go to HR.

JuliusCaesar

Why don't you try talking with her?
You might find out what's up.

Dudess

lisajane wrote: »

I cant beleive so many people would forgive and forget.

Probably because we don't know what it was she said. You say she insulted half your family - was her comment something to do with race? Are you mixed race?

mickoneill30

lisajane wrote: »

That's what really got to me-going out of her way to insult me. That's not nice. I don't see why i should have to speak to someone like that.

You don't. You shouldn't let it fester for two years either.

lisajane wrote: »

Why im asking here and after 2 years??? Lately she's been purposely getting me down in my work. She'l push things at me, making me move out of the way for her. While walking past me she'l walk into what i do and knock it over. I would have to do it again and its only wasting time. I can understand the first time, it might have been accentidently. But it's happening everyday.

Where are your managers? Why can't you go to your them? If employees are having issues it's up to your boss to sort them out. There is absolutely no reason for you to retaliate. Why do you think she's trying to provoke you to say or do something so she can go to HR. If she's insulted you (although waiting 2 years to complain about it is probably a bit too long) and now making your job awkward why can't you go to HR or your manager yourself.

If she's knocking over your work as often as you say, is it hard to get a witness or someone to back up your story?

Beruthiel

lisajane wrote: »

I cant beleive so many people would forgive and forget.

Ok.
You've had a few threads on PI.

2 about people you don't like at work.
1 about working with annoying people.
1 about a person you work with buying you a birthday cake.
1 about your mother being unfair.
1 about a nasty sister.

At some point you have to sit back and ask yourself some serious questions.
You complain a lot about everyone around you.
Might I suggest that you take a long hard look at yourself.
Your tolerence of others would appear to be non existant.
Time to relax, find the good in others and quit playing the victim.

How Strange

Beruthiel wrote: »

Ok.
You've had a few threads on PI.

2 about people you don't like at work.
1 about working with annoying people.
1 about a person you work with buying you a birthday cake.
1 about your mother being unfair.
1 about a nasty sister.

At some point you have to sit back and ask yourself some serious questions.
You complain a lot about everyone around you.
Might I suggest that you take a long hard look at yourself.
Your tolerence of others would appear to be non existant.
Time to relax, find the good in others and quit playing the victim.

+1

OP, I remember your post about the birthday cake and you were vicious in what you said about that person.

As Beruthiel said you should take a long hard look at yourself.

Wibbs

lisajane wrote: »

I cant beleive so many people would forgive and forget.

Because simply that's what a mature, self confident person would do.

Why im asking here and after 2 years??? Lately she's been purposely getting me down in my work. She'l push things at me, making me move out of the way for her. While walking past me she'l walk into what i do and knock it over. I would have to do it again and its only wasting time. I can understand the first time, it might have been accentidently. But it's happening everyday.

As has been noticed this is a pattern in your life.

I'll be blunt about it. This is 90% your doing. Of course because you have a view of the world that's askew you will resist this idea as you woud rather be "right" about others than be happy.

If I tell you that red cars are dangerous and are likely to explode and you believe me then you will keep your eye open for red cars. Red cars you never noticed before.

Also because you expect people to treat you a certain way, by expecting that you will subconsciously push people to actually treat you this way. If all you seek is the bad in life, people and situations then that's all you will find. Or situations that could be resolved will be built up to silly proportions by you. This last issue you have with this Polish woman is exhibit A.

She insulted you. OK. You reacted by the silent treatment or anger. Why because the insult plugged into something that troubles you. Only you know what. Carrying a grudge from a complete stranger for this long proves it pretty much. You continued to do this and built this up way beyond the original insult. Result? You're more unhappy now than 2 years ago. What about her? She has put you in the category of being a silly cow and it hasn't affected her nearly as much as you.

You could have reacted by either ignoring her or better yet laughing it off and actually trying to engage her as a person.

It's a never ending cycle that will continue through your life. You will always be the victim until you stop playing the victim card. It's your responsibility not anyone elses.

Yes people may píss you off from time to time. Thats natural. What's not natural is your way of responding to it.

It didn't bother me until she started all this. Im not sure what she's at. Maybe she's trying to push me and really get a comment from me - so she'l have a reason to go to HR.

If that's what you believe, then that's what is most likely to happen.

AngryBadger

lisajane wrote: »

So we just get on with it.

So you went out of your way for 2 years to ignore someone you, for the most part, would not have been talking to anyway.

lisajane wrote: »

Regarding what she said. She insulted me and half my family. I wasn't speaking to her at the time and she went out of her way to insult me.

And what prompted this? I'd say it's at least possible that there was some unpleasantness on your side as well to elicit what you maintain was a "cruel" jibe.

lisajane wrote: »

I don't see why i should have to speak to someone like that.

OP if you were THAT insulted, you should have gone to HR. If the comment was as scathing and hurtful as you would like everyone here to believe then you had good grounds for making a complaint to HR, instead you decided to nurse a ridiculous, unproductive, and self-destructive grudge for 2 years. And before you try to argue that it's not hurting you, you're already here asking a bunch of strangers what they think, which means that on some level you're not happy about this.

lisajane wrote: »

I cant beleive so many people would forgive and forget.

Another way of looking at it is that other people would decide it wasn't worth the stress they'd be putting themselves under to maintain this grudge.

lisajane wrote: »

Why im asking here and after 2 years??? Lately she's been purposely getting me down in my work. She'l push things at me, making me move out of the way for her. While walking past me she'l walk into what i do and knock it over. I would have to do it again and its only wasting time. I can understand the first time, it might have been accentidently. But it's happening everyday.

This does make her sound out of line, but that only starts to make her as bad as you. If you've been nursing this pet hate for the last 2 years then, even thought you're clearly oblivious/choosing to ignore it, there's no doubt you've made things extremely uncomfortable for this person, and people around you. Your workplace is not to be treated like the schoolyard. If you have a problem you deal with it, and move on, like a professional. You do not spend 2 years convincing yourself you have just cause.

lisajane wrote: »

It didn't bother me until she started all this. Im not sure what she's at. Maybe she's trying to push me and really get a comment from me - so she'l have a reason to go to HR.

Sweet Jeebus. Look girl, I'd say she already has grounds for going to HR. You've been ignoring her for two years. And I'd say that if I went aorund your company asking people that they've been put about by your behaviour as well.

Honestly, you're not with it. Something was said, it may or may not have been an intentional highly insulting statement. The woman who made it apologised, even if she had intended to upset you, she obviously realised she'd gone too far, or was way out of line, hence the apology. That was an opportunity to tie off the incident cleanly. If there were further incidents you could have gone straight to HR, and you could have cited this first instance along with the others.

That is now impossible. Can you imagine going to hr and telling this story;

"Well she insulted half my family, then she apologised, so I decided to ignore her for 2 years, and now she's bullying me".

Time to step out of the kiddies pool OP. Let this go NOW or you're going to find yourself in serious difficulty either because she will bully you and you'll have no recourse because of the foolish way you chose to deal with the first incident. Or you're going to find yourself in hot water with HR st some stage.

Anyway didn't you say you were leaving this job? So what difference does it all make now anyway?

MagicMarker

lisajane wrote: »

And she was fluent in english, so being polish has nothing to do with it.

If so, why feel the need to bring it up?

lisajane wrote: »

I work with someone. Some polish one.

I would be surprised she said anything that bad tbh, you're probably just blowing it all out of proportion, just like the birthday cake thread.

There's someone like you in every office really.

I think you should cop on to yourself.

Wurly

OP I really don't mean to be rude here but i've read some of your previous threads and my god, you really complain about everything.

Everyone seems to irritate you. People don't seem to be able to do anything right by you.

You obviously don't have much going on in your life if you let stuff like this get in on you so much. Mind your own business. I don't mean that in a bad way but let others get on with their lives and you with yours.

I was also surprised that you are 25, same age as me. I was honestly expecting you to be a teenager with the way you are carrying on. You need to grow up a bit.

I do apologise if this is coming across harsh but I don't know how else to say it. As Beruthiel said, you need to take a long look at yourself. It can't be everyone else's fault all the time.

Best of luck.