She's after my boyfriend!. Help!.

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 7 months. Everything would be awesome except for one thing...

He has been friends with a girl for a about a year or two... when we started going out first, he and this girl shared a bed one night together. He swore to me that nothing else had happened...they just curled up together and fell asleep. I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, but after seeing how gutted he was when I told him it was over+ that he could go off and do whatever he wanted with her, we talked it out+ I gave him another chance.

That was a while back. A group of us went camping over the weekend and this girl was there too... one time when I returned to the campsite, she had her feet up against my boyfriend's leg... + I saw her touching him a couple of times on previous occasions.

Up until the other day, I never said anything, but the other night my boyfriend and I were talking+ I just said it straight out that I think this female friend is really into him. He was a bit surprised+ said that there was nothing there between them etc...

So then, the night after we had that conversation (and the last night of camping), we were out partying really late+ I went to bed, as I had to go to work the next morning... fast forward to when I get up at 6.30 am..no sign of my boyfriend... turns out he fell asleep in that female friend's tent (along with another guy and a girl)...he said he didn't want to sleep there, he was just in there smoking+ fell asleep.

So, hmm... sorry this is long and minor to other posts here, but what can I do about this girl... I'm not being overly paranoid or anything, I'm very sure that she likes my boyfriend and any time I've been out with her, she appears to be a bit of a slut. I'm afraid she'll keep after him until she gets him!...and get this, she's moving into a house near my boyfriend too. Grr.

I don't want this to wreck what my boyfriend and I have already got+ I really don't mind him at all being around other girls etc... I do trust him... it's this girl, who I've got an awful feeling about... I obviously cannot tell him to stop seeing her or anything.. I would never make someone do something like that... any advice would be much appreciated.

PS- I wish I could be friends with this girl... I did try. But we just didn't click or something. She knows I know about her+ my boyfriend and has never apologised or anything... and the first impression I got of her, is that she's someone who curls up in bed with someone she knew was taken (I'd never do this+ consider it morally wrong)...

MIN2511

I can't imagine what you are going through, i would not advice you to approach her about the topic. The issue is with your bf and even this isn't an issue. I know you think so but until you get them in the act or they confess you really can't do/say anything
Why don't you tell your bf that you understand that they are friend e.t.c. but you don't trust her intentions, you are not asking them to stop being friends but if they can tone it down a little bit. tbh if a fella said that to me i would be pissed off, the thing is until you know they messed/are messing around you really can't do much but rant.

Sorry

humanji

So what if she's trying to steal your boyfriend. Do you trust him? If you do, then there's no problem, he's not going to go near her. If you don't then why are you in a relationship with no trust?

And from what you've said, it doesn't sound like anything is going on anyway. I mean, she touched him? She had her feet against his leg? Sorry, but that's nothing. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Gross Halfwit

Some extra details are going to have to be provided ...

1) Have they been intimate before?

If so then she may be looking to start something again?

2) How do they know eachother?

If they used to work together or went to college together then the roots of the friendship is built on mutual experiences. If they met out in the pub one night then the basis for the friendship is probably a sexual attraction that never quite got off the ground. But hey if it is this & he chose you over her then you shouldnt woory too much about him cheating. But she seems like a sexual predator/whore so she may try seduce him. Any cracks in your relationship will be exploited by her for her own gain.

3) Is she his only single female friend?

If she is his only single female friend then she may feel a little alpha female tendencies & want to claim him for herself. She has probably scared off a few women in the past & now it's either just second nature or shes doing it on purpose.

Christ! this chick is getting one hell of a rep based on a few lines of text!

Talk to him about her but not in an accusatory way. Dont insult her jsut use plain language & remain calm or you will drive him away & into her waiting arms.

Kirnsy

take the moral higher ground.

discuss it calmly with the boyfriend and DON'T lose the head.
us guys apparently aren't good on picking up on girls being 'into' us.
im sure he'll put your mind at ease.

Jack B. Badd

Presumably your boyfriend's not a mindless piece of meat and can make up his own mind about his relationships. If he's not interested in her then she can chase him as much as she wants and it won't make a blind bit of difference. My advise would be not to worry yourself about it. Chances are they're just good friends and you've worked yourself into a bit of a state by being paranoid. Forget it, you'll be happier with yourself and a hell of a lot more attractive to your boyfriend if you're confident and secure in your relationship. Good luck.

nomorebadtown

you need to set that bitch straight, its the only way people like that will get the message to back up off your man/

estar

without anything moren than this to go

then you will look a bit silly and give her ammunition
to call you paranoid

pay your boyfriend plenty of attention. he chose you,
when he could have had her. that really says it all.

Davei141

nomorebadtown wrote: »

you need to set that bitch straight, its the only way people like that will get the message to back up off your man/

Yeah and she ends up being known as that fella's psycho gf, dont take that advice! Just chillout they have been friends way before you came on the scene.

AngryBadger

The problem here is not this girl, the problem here is you, your boyfriend and how much you trust each other.

If you trust your boyfriend, then this should n't be an issue for you. However I can see how you'd be annoyed, in which case I'd expect him to make an effort to not be aorund this girl.

however the reality is, you clearly don't trust him/her, and he clearly doesn't give enough of a toss to actively distance himself from this girl.

I would actually advise you to put this to him, and if he;s not reciprocating then break up with him.

In a situation where there's no trust from your side, and insufficient consideration from his side, either things need to change, or ye both need to move on.

Talliesin

advice_needed wrote: »

I'm not being overly paranoid or anything, I'm very sure that she likes my boyfriend

Any evidence to suggest this beyond beds being comfortable, physical touching being good for psychological health and cannabis (and indeed, being up late) sometimes making people sleepy?

b3t4

OP, you simply do not trust your boyfriend, no ifs, buts or maybes.

A.

kowloon

Agree with posters, you need to be more trusting or end it.
Have you been cheated on much in the past?

Not trying to be nasty here but I suggest you substitute the word "and" for "+", it's really distracting.

daiixi

I have a male friend who had a girlfriend like you who insisted that myself and some other good female friends were completely into him and were trying to steal him away. This was not the case, we were all just good friends and as we were friends first we weren't going to give up our friendship just because they were dating! She couldn't see this though and was eventually given the flick. You don't have to like or trust her but you have to trust him or your relationship is over.

Jack B. Badd

AngryBadger wrote: »

If you trust your boyfriend, then this should n't be an issue for you. However I can see how you'd be annoyed, in which case I'd expect him to make an effort to not be aorund this girl.

however the reality is, you clearly don't trust him/her, and he clearly doesn't give enough of a toss to actively distance himself from this girl.

That's daft. The OP's boyfriend giving up an established friendship just because his girlfriend is insecure isn't going to help her get over her paranoia. If anything, it's probably going to exacerbate things. Seriously, if my boyfriend ever suggested that I give up one of my male friends, I'd tell him where to get off (not suggesting that the OP is doing this). I certainly wouldn't do it on my own initiative just because my boyfriend has an issue that he should be able to get over.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think the problem is that you guys never really established what is or is not ok in your relationship and now he thinks this is ok. It sounds like this girl is the type who does the innocent 'we are just friends' routine whil etrying to get as close as possible to your BF and make you out to be a jealous GF.
If it were by BF id have kicked his ass for stying in another girls tent and he would have the same reaction if it were me. I do not and will not accept my BF sharing a bed with another girl (friend or non friend!!), or not coming home and not telling me etc. he feels the same. a relationship is about respect. To me, my Bf sharing a bed or tent with another girl is very disrespectful and out of order.

Now as far as I can see its not very respectful for your BF to go 'fall asleep' in the tent of a girl you nearly dumped him over before!. Why was he off smoking with her all night?? where were you? At the end of the day if she really was his friend she would be more respectful of you, his GF and not act all touchy feely around him!. You need to talk to your BF and set boundaries - what you and he expect from each other and what you each feel is just not okay. If its something you cant agree on it will always cause problems.

Oh, and dont approach her about this it would delight her i reckon any opportunity to make you out to be jealous

Sugar Drunk

do you sleep in the same bed / tent as your male friends?? I dont think the OP wants him to stop being friends with this girl she wants him to stop doing things like sleeping in the same tent as her overnight which to me is very reasonable!!
My BF has female friends thats fine. The day he sleeps in their bed or leaves me alone in bed to sleep in their tent he would be crossing the line of what is acceptable and whats not!

RedXIV

Sorry OP, but i think the problem may be with you here. I have a ridiculous amount of female friends who would be very "touchy feely", would require hugs, physical contact etc just because they are pretty affectionate people. That doesn't mean they are in to me, i know for a fact that at least few of them don't because they shot me down before. that hasn't changed anything though.

To the girls who would shoot a bf for staying in a text with a group of people including this girl, we wouldn't last either. You're coming across as very domineering women and if the guy thinks like me (i know, a big presumption), that in itself would piss me off.

OP, if you don't trust this guy, which is what it boils down to, then this is a problem YOU need to address. he can help of course but if you start this with more than one of two girls, i can promise you he's not going to stick around

All the best

Red

Peewee_lane

OP- I know it can drive you mad when you can clearly see that someone is doing something against your rules, and its almost like your in a dream and no one can hear you scream -BUT- the truth is, this comes down to your fella at the end of the day. He should have made it back to your tent and I would just forget him and move on, simply because I had a fella like this, the other woman wanted more but he was like a dumb caveman "huh? really?" and the the other woman enjoyed interfering in our relationship. I can safely tell you that the guy Im with at the moment, would never leave my side and fall asleep next to another woman.

I know this is driving you mad, it's pure jealousy. I would not say anything, ascertain and access the situation, take a step out and ask, how long does he know her, whats their history, blah de blah...

He aint worth it if hes enjoying the little tug or war either.

LegacyUser

on some level you are playing into her hands... Then on another level you have to ask yourself if your boyfriend knows it makes you uncomfortable then why is he not trying to put a little distance between them? Personally i think he thinks that you are overreacting and maybe being a bit paranoid. I understand where you're coming from but in some way if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and there is not much you can do. Shouting the odds won't help here. Stay well away from her because by saying anything you're validating her behaviour

Hrududu

Sorry OP, but i think the problem may be with you here.

+1

I was going to write a long post but Red basically said everything I was going to. It doesnt sound like anything is going on with this girl. You need to stop being paranoid and decide to either trust your boyfriend or not.

Ehh sorry but I seem to have read a different post to most of the other posters. I think you have every right to feel annoyed here. Sleeping in the same bed as this girl, and then sleeping in the same tent after you expressed your annoyance over the first time? I find this kind of behaviour very inappropriate. This girl sounds like a bit of a cow to be honest - sounds like she's either trying to steal your BF or annoy you, either way, not the sign of a nice person.

If it were by BF id have kicked his ass for stying in another girls tent and he would have the same reaction if it were me. I do not and will not accept my BF sharing a bed with another girl (friend or non friend!!), or not coming home and not telling me etc. he feels the same. a relationship is about respect. To me, my Bf sharing a bed or tent with another girl is very disrespectful and out of order.

+1

My BF has female friends thats fine. The day he sleeps in their bed or leaves me alone in bed to sleep in their tent he would be crossing the line of what is acceptable and whats not!

Agreed.
It's disrespectful behaviour, even if there was nothing going on, it's unacceptable for the friend to flirt so obviously with someone else's boyfriend and it's mean of him to sleep in the same tent as her when he knows the GF is unhappy about the situation. I wouldn't put up with this and I don't understand how the OP is being seen as a bunny boiler. I think she's being totally reasonable. He might not be cheating, but he's definitely taking her for a mug here.

AngryBadger

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

That's daft. The OP's boyfriend giving up an established friendship just because his girlfriend is insecure isn't going to help her get over her paranoia. If anything, it's probably going to exacerbate things. Seriously, if my boyfriend ever suggested that I give up one of my male friends, I'd tell him where to get off (not suggesting that the OP is doing this). I certainly wouldn't do it on my own initiative just because my boyfriend has an issue that he should be able to get over.

I'm not saying he should give up an established friendship, but I am saying I can understand why the OP would be upset with him sharing this girls bed. I'm not saying it automatically implies they're doing anything inappropriate, but I don't think it's asking much for him to not share another girls bed if it's upsetting his girlfriend.

Also, while it's possible this is all very innocent, it's also possible there is something going on, that this other girl is trying to poach the OPs boyfriend, or that they are seeing each other or something.

My overall point is that the OP doesn't seem to trust her bf, and her bf doesn't seem to respect the OP if he's still engaging this other gril in ways that are arguably fairly inappropriate when he's seeing the OP.

Dragan

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

That's daft. The OP's boyfriend giving up an established friendship just because his girlfriend is insecure isn't going to help her get over her paranoia. If anything, it's probably going to exacerbate things. Seriously, if my boyfriend ever suggested that I give up one of my male friends, I'd tell him where to get off (not suggesting that the OP is doing this). I certainly wouldn't do it on my own initiative just because my boyfriend has an issue that he should be able to get over.

I completely agree with this post.

OP, you don't seem to trust you fella. Decide if you do or don't. If you trust someone it doesn't matter if they are standing in a field full of naked nymphos.

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

do you sleep in the same bed / tent as your male friends?? I dont think the OP wants him to stop being friends with this girl she wants him to stop doing things like sleeping in the same tent as her overnight which to me is very reasonable!!
My BF has female friends thats fine. The day he sleeps in their bed or leaves me alone in bed to sleep in their tent he would be crossing the line of what is acceptable and whats not!

To you. Has your fella ever gone camping, partying or to a festival with a group of friends that included females. Then *shock horror* there is a reasonable chance that he *cue dramatic music* SLEPT IN THE SAME TENT AS ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!

What i find amazing is people ignoring the fact that there were too other people in the tent. Maybe they had an orgy?

I really wonder how anyone expects their relationships to last when people clearly have trust issues whenever their other half is out of sight.

John Mason

If you totally trust your boyfriend, i dont see what the problem is.

In fact you should kinda feel sorry for her. she wants something that she can never have.

if you dont trust your boyfriend then you have a problem

Hrududu

In fact you should kinda feel sorry for her. she wants something that she can never have.

But nowhere in the post did it even show that this girl wants the OP's boyfriend. She put his feet on his legs? Is that all we are basing this on?

Dragan

Hrududu wrote: »

But nowhere in the post did it even show that this girl wants the OP's boyfriend. She put his feet on his legs? Is that all we are basing this on?

It's all the OP is basing it on anyways.

Oh yeah, and they slept in the same bed once.

For shame.

To you. Has your fella ever gone camping, partying or to a festival with a group of friends that included females. Then *shock horror* there is a reasonable chance that he *cue dramatic music* SLEPT IN THE SAME TENT AS ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!

I think the point is the OP had made it clear that she was unhappy about her boyfriend sharing a bed with this girl, so unhappy that she dumped him. The boyfriend begged her to get back together. Bearing this in mind, I think anyone with an ounce of common sense would not get themselves into a situation where they are again sleeping next to the girl, regardless of who else is in the tent. It's not that the OP thinks they had sex in there, it's just disrespectful and inappropriate. Why wasn't the boyfriend in OP's tent? This girl obviously is trying to annoy OP, and the BF sleeping in her tent is therefore going to give her satisfaction. It seems pretty disloyal to me. I think some people here are missing the point.

I'm not a bunny boiler at all, my BF has tons of female friends and they sometimes stay over at his house after parties, half his Facebook pics are of him hugging and messing about with random girls. But if I got the impression that someone was obviously flirting with him in front of me, I would NOT be happy. It's really ill mannered and disrespectful. I don't think my BF would be too pleased either if some guy was being flirty with me. There's easygoing and then there's naive.

Gurlzie1

How does a person steal someone elses boyfriend/girlfriend if they don't want to be stolen in the first place?

OP if you trust your boyfriend 100% then you have nothing to worry about. Make sure you and your boyfriend agree on what is appropriate when it comes to friends of the opposite sex so you both feel comfortable. If this girl over steps the mark then you'd be completely within your rights to tell her so without seeming like the 'psycho' girlfriend. Your boyfriend can't get annoyed because you've already had a discussion about this and this girl can't make you look bad.

copeyhagen

has to be a three way to sort it out

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies and some interesting different opinions. They helped me realise that, yeah, the entire world can be after my boyfriend, but I'm going to stop worrying about it, because I do trust him 100%. Everything is great again now that I'm thinking like that. I now realise that this sort of silly jealousy would tear us apart indeed.

To people who said I don't trust him... I can see where you're coming from... but the matter was more about this girl trying to get him. When I'm going out with someone, I like people around us to respect our relationship and not over step the mark by trying to jump into bed with one of us etc.

I can see that, like some people have said, the reason I'm posting had a large part to do with myself/ trust. But the main reason I posted was that it upset me because of stuff that happened before... ie, them curling up in the same bed. My boyfriend fell asleep in her tent after this incident ( I do believe he did just fall asleep). I just felt really bad about the whole thing at the time... seeing her being touchy feely, etc around him.

Again, thanks people... I won't let her ruin what my boyfriend and I have. It's much more attractive to be secure etc.

LegacyUser

Okay, so from what I have experienced, she probably does like him.

Some of the things he does even my boyfriend wouldn't do..he knows I'd leave him for good.

I currently have a girl trying to get my boyfriend's attention at every turn. She is this thorn in the side of our relationship, and he's so oblivious that he didn't see it until she came right out and said that she wants him to break up with me.

I'd say talk to him about it.. tell him your insecurities, and explain to him that you trust him, you just don't trust her. I trust my boyfriend, but this girl keeps trying. My problem is that she is making my life a living hell trying to get rid of me and my boyfriend doesn't draw any sort of line... he needs to stand up to her to stop the mind games.

Anyways.. what I'm getting at, is TRUST YOUR GUT! I was super confused for over a month about everything but my gut always seemed to be right. I never had a problem with any other friends of his that were girls.. i love them! Except when I met her I got bad vibes.. and red flags started to show up.

When you talk to him, let him know how you feel but don't accuse him of anything. I say be careful mainly because if he knows you don't like her, and how much it bothers you, he might start trying to keep information from you ---ie if he hangs out with her, etc. If he starts lying to you about it-- get out. I made that mistake. Big mistake.

Sorry Ive been rambling. I don't think I've been very much help. My whole situation still confuses me, but good luck with everything!... just be careful.

blahblahblah.

bout a year back i was see as that girl that ur talking about, and we where just really good frends.


when he satred going out wiht the girl every thing was fine but about a month in a broke up wiht my bf at the time and then she starterd getting all weird. like i used to talk to her all the time and felt that we where ok frends. she got into my circle off frends and behind my back stared saying that i was the othere woman and all this crap.

and see thought that i had some thing to say sorry to, for jsut being his m8. in my view i didnt. so wiht that it could be a diffrenc off opininons

anyway aload off stuff happend lost a few frends, and fastforward a year on she turns around and says sorry for hurting me and spreding rummers about me.


but did u think, if they where both girls and u where the guy it would be ok, just caus there diffren sex doesnt mean they have to be up to stufff, and if u trust him, you know the rest

bicardi19

RedXIV wrote: »

Sorry OP, but i think the problem may be with you here. I have a ridiculous amount of female friends who would be very "touchy feely", would require hugs, physical contact etc just because they are pretty affectionate people. That doesn't mean they are in to me, i know for a fact that at least few of them don't because they shot me down before. that hasn't changed anything though.

To the girls who would shoot a bf for staying in a text with a group of people including this girl, we wouldn't last either. You're coming across as very domineering women and if the guy thinks like me (i know, a big presumption), that in itself would piss me off.

OP, if you don't trust this guy, which is what it boils down to, then this is a problem YOU need to address. he can help of course but if you start this with more than one of two girls, i can promise you he's not going to stick around

All the best

Red

Ok so red how do you feel about your girlfriend sleeping in the same bed as her male "friend". would you expect her to tell you lie it or lump t. i do agree with you to some extent some girls can be very domineering but there is a line.