Being in a relationship!

FLOOPER

OK. Open question to all.

I have read an awfull lot about relationships in PI. I'm nearly 5 months out of a 15 month relationship at the moment and it's getting easier but still a bit tough but I think I'm ready to get back on the dating scene again and I was just wondering what state of mind is a healthy one in entering a relationship.

I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time before my last, but I now know that I really need to be in one. I need that space in my head to filled with someone that is part of me. I think I've gone past the stage of rebounding because I felt this way before I entered into the last one but didn't know what it was, IYKWIM.

Anyway, the question I'm asking is this: I have heard it so many times in PI that you should be 'happy within yourself first' and 'not need' before engaging with someone.

Now the last girl I went out with wasn't as experienced either in relationships but I got the feeling almost, that she was fairly happy in her life before she 'asked me out'. But I definately came to the conclusion that since we split that I was an interference in her life. I honestly think she would only be happier on her own. She loved her space and would make me feel unwelcome if I intruded on her space. (saw her only about 3 times a week anyway)

That's one argument against the ''gotta be happy first before you enter in to a relationship'. If your happy then why compromise it with a partner.

The other is those of you who have married early. Or those of you who seem to be never out of a relationship bar the few months it takes to get together enough, to get together. Áre these people not needy too. Are these people not happy unless they have someone.

I'm only asking this, in I must admit a convuluted manner, because I really feel the need to be in a good relationship; it completes me and I'm an infinatly happier person but I don't think I should feel that I shouldn't enter into one because of my desire. BTW I'm in my early 40's and my ex was late 30's. Hope this is the right forum. Would appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

jw297

I dont think its a bad thing to feel happier when in a relationship. It's human nature after all. There will always be some aspects of life that are better with someone and some that are better without someone. Would advise against jumping straight into a relationship 'on the rebound' but it doesnt sound like thats what you're doing. Also, don't get into a relationship just for the sake of it! I've only had personal experience of one long-term relationship so maybe not the best to be commenting, but would certainly say there are no strict guidelines. And I'm a lot happier in my relationship than I was before it started, even though at that time I didn't yet know what I was missing (if that makes any sense!)

MIN2511

FLOOPER wrote: »

OK. Open question to all.

I have read an awfull lot about relationships in PI. I'm nearly 5 months out of a 15 month relationship at the moment and it's getting easier but still a bit tough but I think I'm ready to get back on the dating scene again and I was just wondering what state of mind is a healthy one in entering a relationship.

I hadn't been in a relationship for a long time before my last, but I now know that I really need to be in one. I need that space in my head to filled with someone that is part of me. I think I've gone past the stage of rebounding because I felt this way before I entered into the last one but didn't know what it was, IYKWIM.

Anyway, the question I'm asking is this: I have heard it so many times in PI that you should be 'happy within yourself first' and 'not need' before engaging with someone.

Now the last girl I went out with wasn't as experienced either in relationships but I got the feeling almost, that she was fairly happy in her life before she 'asked me out'. But I definately came to the conclusion that since we split that I was an interference in her life. I honestly think she would only be happier on her own. She loved her space and would make me feel unwelcome if I intruded on her space. (saw her only about 3 times a week anyway)

That's one argument against the ''gotta be happy first before you enter in to a relationship'. If your happy then why compromise it with a partner.

The other is those of you who have married early. Or those of you who seem to be never out of a relationship bar the few months it takes to get together enough, to get together. Áre these people not needy too. Are these people not happy unless they have someone.

I'm only asking this, in I must admit a convuluted manner, because I really feel the need to be in a good relationship; it completes me and I'm an infinatly happier person but I don't think I should feel that I shouldn't enter into one because of my desire. BTW I'm in my early 40's and my ex was late 30's. Hope this is the right forum. Would appreciate any opinions.

Thanks

Human beings are different and complicated, what works for goose doesn't work for gander.
If you notice most of the people in PI are young and they are still finding their feet. You on the other hand have been through this phase we are in and would be interested in a more matured relationship, there are ladies here and out there that would appreciate this-fair play to you

Clare Bear

I wasn't necessarily unhappy being single but I'm a lot happier now that I'm in a relationship.....then again I was unhappy in a previous not so good relationship so in that case I'd rather be single forever....it's a lot more lonely being in an unhappy relationship than being on your own.

Trinity

I think what is meant by that is, you cannot be miserable with your life and expect a relationship to fix it.

Its ok to be lonely, its ok to feel a little bit jealous when you see other couples. But if you are desperately unhappy in general, its too much to ask of a person to 'make' you happy.

A relationship is supposed to enhance your life.

Some people are just not cut out for relationships. Everyone needs their space but if your girlfriend made you feel unwelcome then obviously she was not enjoying your company as much as she should have been, if she was happy within the relationship.

mollybird

i know i was trying to get over a major broken heart when i got my fella. and another i was just trying to get out of my system. i always seem to meet my bf's when i'm not looking.

I can't identify with this person shaped hole in your psych...but then I might feel like that if I had no family of my own at your age.

I feel the same about myself weather I am in a relationship or not.
Things happen in relationships.....good and bad, but they don't affect me enough to define my state of happiness.
I guess I'm self centered.

Everyone is different and every shoe has a comrade.

Dragan

For me the happiness and unhappiness of being in or out of a relationship is very different.

Both singledom and relationships will have appeal at very different times and for very different reasons.

I know plenty of people who are happier in relationships that out of them but i always advise them to go out with someone for the right reasons...not just to fill the void.

Karen_*

Clare Bear wrote: »

I wasn't necessarily unhappy being single but I'm a lot happier now that I'm in a relationship.....then again I was unhappy in a previous not so good relationship so in that case I'd rather be single forever....it's a lot more lonely being in an unhappy relationship than being on your own.

Very very true. As mother always said 'you're better off single than wishing you were':p

I'd rather be on my own that unhappy in a relationship. But there is alot to be said for having someone special in your life.

Dragan

Dragan wrote: »

I know plenty of people who are happier in relationships that out of them but i always advise them to go out with someone for the right reasons...not just to fill the void.

Thats my best mate right there. His reasons are even shallower tho because he claims and I quote "I love relationships cos its like havin sex on a stick". He gets grumpy being single for too long and he slags me off cos Ive been single (ie no girlfriend so dont count "seeing people") for more than a year as if its something I should be embarrassed about!


I also know a few girls who are never more than 2-3 weeks without a relationship, they usually just enjoy being able to start conversations with "My boyfriend" or they love havin lads fuss over them, or they just want sex on a stick, who knows!

Personally I went through a phase a while back of goin on dates with almost a different girl every week or 2. After a while i needed to step back from it (the hot streak ended!!:pac::pac::pac:) I then came to the conclusion that I needed a bit of time without any of that in my life to just chill and let life take its course without lookin for something. I just focus on the other aspects of my life which keeps me busy as it is! Now I just go about my life without constantly thinkin "i wonder if she's the one" (a daft idea IMO)everytime i look at a girl. And believe me I know people like that. A girl i went to college with evaluates every lad she meets as a potential husband, no exaggeration!

Now I just look at girls and think "shes cute" and if the attraction's there then ill ask her out. I try not to expect anything from it at the start and just let it flow and see where it goes. I think people can ruin potential relationships by having preconceived notions of the person rather than getting to know tat person for who they are, hence as Im both seen and experienced u can get people trying to change u to mold u into who they want u to be rather than enjoyin u for who u are. And that isnt the formula for a healthy relationship.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Karen_* wrote: »

Very very true. As mother always said 'you're better off single than wishing you were':p

I'd rather be on my own that unhappy in a relationship. But there is alot to be said for having someone special in your life.

Agreed.

I prefer being in a relationship, but I would never be in a relationship just for the sake of it!

Papillon87

I had my heart absolutely shattered a couple of months ago, and I'm not fully over it yet...to be honest I think I've a fair way to go. Was my first "real" relationship and my first love, first everything .....so whilst beforehand I was never a girl who went around saying "I NEED a boyfriend" or felt pressure to have a boyfriend at all (and lots of girls I know did and still do), I have learned that I like being in a relationship a lot. I miss it. However I'd never just pursue any guy for the sake of having a boyfriend or string anyone along. It has to be right, as do the circumstances. At the moment I sometimes think it would be great to meet someone now (best way to heal a broken heart is by finding someone else to help take your mind off it malarkey lots of people have spouted to me), but others I just think I'd be fooling myself and would still miss my ex.

So, in essence, yes you do have to be happy in yourself as a person regardless, but having experienced one, I definitely prefer being in a relationship than single.

Ah well.

Abi

FLOOPER wrote: »

I'm ready to get back on the dating scene again and I was just wondering what state of mind is a healthy one in entering a relationship.

I wont repeat what you've heard before tbh. You might think 'well its ok for them to say, go have some repair time' when you feel alone, and you need to fill that void in your life. I get it. But what happens is, if you see someone too soon you may not give them a sporting chance (or yourself) in the relationship because you might be carrying insecurities from your last.

I need that space in my head to filled with someone that is part of me.

You are not the first and definitely not the last to say this. A lot of people do. If you have been in a relationship that suddenly stops, the life you have made to adapt around them does too. This can be a big shock to the system. Thats why it makes you feel so empty. Make a new routine, try remember what it was you were doing before the ex.

Anyway, the question I'm asking is this: I have heard it so many times in PI that you should be 'happy within yourself first' and 'not need' before engaging with someone.

Its an annoying answer when you are on your own, but it is true.

Now the last girl I went out with wasn't as experienced either in relationships but I got the feeling almost, that she was fairly happy in her life before she 'asked me out'. But I definately came to the conclusion that since we split that I was an interference in her life.

Tbh, I think you may have been together on different wave-lengths. I hope she didnt say this to you. And if she did, believe me, shes done you a BIG favour.

I honestly think she would only be happier on her own. She loved her space and would make me feel unwelcome if I intruded on her space. (saw her only about 3 times a week anyway)

You think this way because the shoe never did fit. There must have been signs along the way that she felt this way, but you would rather have not rocked the boat because you didnt want to be alone. That might be a tough one to take, but I would be surprised if there wasnt.

The other is those of you who have married early. Or those of you who seem to be never out of a relationship bar the few months it takes to get together enough, to get together. Áre these people not needy too. Are these people not happy unless they have someone.

Not needy no. Found someone they mesh well with for life, yes. How do you think one or the other would feel if their wife/husband died? I think their feelings would be akin to your own. A sad loss, that they have no control over. Everything comes with a risk. I think bad experience has made you 'lose' the point of it all in one sense, but the empty feeling you are talking about made you post. So its not as cut and dry as you think.

I feel the need to be in a good relationship; it completes me and I'm an infinatly happier person but I don't think I should feel that I shouldn't enter into one because of my desire.

Exactly.

Dudess

I don't necessarily think being in a relationship makes you happier than being single - it just makes you happy in a different way.

Abi

Pretty much Dudess yeah. Its just very hard for most to make the transition back though I suppose.

Kirnsy

Karen_* wrote: »

Very very true. As mother always said 'you're better off single than wishing you were'

karen's mother is right!

dont force it either. sometimes when you look too hard for something you compromise yourself..

Ruby-J

this is a general queston to everyone and please be honest.

How happy are you in your relationship???

Ive been speaking to different people about relationships and out of all of them, none of them are 100% happy. I'm shocked because i truly believed there was that "ideal fantasy relationship, truly happily ever after" but from speaking to people there isnt.

I'm in my relationship 3 years and yes im happy but with every day i feel a bit happier and think i wil get to that 100% eventually...

aviendha

Notwithstanding the fact that I'm only a bare year with the new boy, (I had come out of an 8 year relationship and so have some previous exposure to "happy"), at 27, I have to say I'm 110% sickeningly-gushingly happy... well maybe 109% as the boy is abroad with work for 6 months so won't get to see him for a while

badolepuddytat

What jumped out at me from the op is that you said you felt you were very clear going into your last relationship and now that you weren't 'rebounding'. I read this to be that you believe that you know what you're looking for (you describe the qualities of the relationship you desire). You need to be honest with prospective partners about what you desire, I think that women in the 30-40 age group will appreciate this openness and clarity of thought. Ok so don't introduce yourself as "Hi, Floopers the name and I'm looking for someone to marry/settle down with asap", just make your needs clear and take the relationship further if that is in line with what the lady in question wants.

Ruby J I think you're putting a lot of pressure on your relationship if you're striving to attain a number by which to determine how good it is, chill out and enjoy life. Great that you feel you're getting happier all the time though, that's a good sign in a relationship!

Ruby-J

yeh i guess your right. i suppose i never really looked at it that way. i think im just looking to find that "tv/movie relationship"!!! i think i should really look at my own and realise what i have is just perfect end of.

thanks for the wake up call.

John Mason

my bf, doesnt tick any of the boxes i had listed for a perfect bf but he ticks a whole load of others that i had never thought about

FLOOPER

badolepuddytat wrote: »

What jumped out at me from the op is that you said you felt you were very clear going into your last relationship and now that you weren't 'rebounding'. I read this to be that you believe that you know what you're looking for (you describe the qualities of the relationship you desire).

No not really. I don't think anybody knows really what they're looking for. It's like going into a shoe shop. You browse and browse and eventually you see the (I'm sorry this is so Sex in the City/Gay) shoe that you absolutely love but you try it on and it just doesn't fit. Your sad, the shoe's sad but that's life. Move on to the next rack or walk around in old shoes for a while uncomfortable though it is.

I wasn't looking for anyone really. She asked me out. What I meant really was I felt a bit out of place before I started going out with her. Her company made me more secure.

badolepuddytat wrote: »

You need to be honest with prospective partners about what you desire, I think that women in the 30-40 age group will appreciate this openness and clarity of thought. Ok so don't introduce yourself as "Hi, Floopers the name and I'm looking for someone to marry/settle down with asap", just make your needs clear and take the relationship further if that is in line with what the lady in question wants.

I think most people who are starting relationships of any serious nature are not init for a fling. If I meet someone nest week and start dating them and eventually "be going out with them" I'm not going to turn around and say that BTW I wanna marry you and settle down. Just like I'm not gonna say this is just a fling for me. Most people involve themselves in relationships with the aim of settling down. Now, it may not be conscious but if they're honest that's what they do. I'm not saying that that is what I think. But if there's something not working early on I think I have the experience now to say that we should leave things and not prolong out of comfort a doomed relationship.


I agree with most of what people are saying. Everyone is different. Everyone feels differently about relationships and how more stable it makes them. The people who marry early are probably more stable in a relationship as are the people who always seem to be going out with someone. ie they are not as happy/stable when on their own. But I understand that's not everyone and I seem to fall into this category; function better if I'm with someone (this is probably 30% of the population).

I think also as Trinity1 said that some people aren't cut out for relationships. That's fine. I think I went out with one. Painful but OK as I don't think she actually realsised it. Of course I could be wrong.

There are also peoples view of what "happy within themselves" actually is. I meant it to mean happy but with just somehting missing.

badolepuddytat

FLOOPER wrote: »

No not really. I don't think anybody knows really what they're looking for. It's like going into a shoe shop. You browse and browse and eventually you see the (I'm sorry this is so Sex in the City/Gay) shoe that you absolutely love but you try it on and it just doesn't fit. Your sad, the shoe's sad but that's life. Move on to the next rack or walk around in old shoes for a while uncomfortable though it is.

Great anecdote! That rang true with me, I had the hots for my hubby from when I first met him but it was only when we started going out I realised how well suited we are. I think your partner should bring out the best in you but it's so hard to pigeon hole exactly what kind of traits are winners or deal breakers.

I agree with most of what people are saying. Everyone is different. Everyone feels differently about relationships and how more stable it makes them. The people who marry early are probably more stable in a relationship as are the people who always seem to be going out with someone. ie they are not as happy/stable when on their own. But I understand that's not everyone and I seem to fall into this category; function better if I'm with someone (this is probably 30% of the population).

I'd say people are more stable if they're with someone who's good for them, not just because they feel less insecure because someone/anyone wants to go out with them, my opinion though.

There are also peoples view of what "happy within themselves" actually is. I meant it to mean happy but with just somehting missing.

Nothing like a good relationship and I'm sure you'll meet someone who "ticks all the boxes you never even thought about" like someone here put it.

Myself and my boyf bring out the best in each other and yes I am one of those girls who is happier in a relationship:)

I have even went so far as to make a CSG out of him
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/member.php?u=164748&vmid=2923#vmessage2923


Now isn't that true romance:pac: