Parent Fight

LegacyUser

Ok, so let me start off by explaining a few things. My BF and I are going out a few years. At first I did not tell my parents (lived at home at the time), as he was divorced and had a son and my parents by their own admission are very judgemental and I knew they would go mad. Which of course they did. this caused several rows they had never even met him but didnt like him. eventualli moved in with him, they met him and things settled down a bit as they realised its a serious relationship and he is a nice guy.

I have a very busy schedule as I work full time often long hours and also have a hobby that I do 2-3 evenings a week with some competitions or work the odd weekend. between all this, keeping on top of the house work, being on a commitee and spending time with my BF, parents and friends its often a tight squeeze. But I love being busy and I always make time to see the people I love. I see the parents at least once a week. usually without the BF. If I plan to stay an hour its usually longer as they like seeing me and get annoyed when I need to go or wont stay and drink with them and this makes it frustrating for me.
anyway, called round two days ago to drop something in for. They had both been drinking and before I knew it both were squaring up at me shouting at me and giving out that 'the two of you never call up', 'you never invite us down', 'your like a stranger'. I explained that last time we arranged a meal they cancelled and that I usually just want to call up not stay drinking (they drink frequently). Turns out they want us both to call up for drinks. So I explained that due to the BF son staying at weekends we only have one evening free at weekends and usually go out. They argued that we could call up and then go out but i feel if we do that they get annoyed if we want to go out after an hour or so. so as usual its catch 22, if I say 'fine lets do that' I get thrown back 'your only doing it out of duress!', if I say nothing they get worse! Besides when the son is with us I felt it was inaappropriate to invite them when he was there as I honestly felt they had no interest in meeting him (as does BF). anyway, they kept the shouting and accusations up so eventually I just stormed out as I had 20 years of that kind of arguing and just dont have the stamina for it anymore.

so, now I am not being spoken to. I text to explain that I love them but that I cannot be made feel guilty all the time. I am there at least once a week. Dont get me wrong I feel really bad that they want to spend more time with us and I didnt know and will happily take responsibility for my faults but I am just angry that instead of discussing how they feel sober and rationally - as usuall they let it go and say nothing until it festeres into resentment and they let fly at me when they have been drinking. Its impossible to speak logically to them when they have been drinking
so now I dont know what to do. They are lovely people and are so generous but what kills me is that every gift comes with a guilt trip and it always has

missmatty

What's wrong spending an hour at your parents over a cup of tea? Why are they at you to be drinking with them?
This seems strange, do they have a problem with drink?

You seem to be doing your best to keep everyone happy, and as you are busy I don't think it's fair for them to expect you to be drinking with them on a weeknight. Could you meet them for lunch at the weekend with your partner?

Beruthiel

In fairness, seeing them once a week is pretty damn good and they should be happy enough with that.
As for your b/f son being with ye at weekends, while he's there, can they not come over to yours and have dinner there as an alternative?
Or ye could perhaps all do Sunday lunch together.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

As for your b/f son being with ye at weekends, while he's there, can they not come over to yours and have dinner there as an alternative?

I explained to them that as they were so hostile about the Bf being divorced I assumed they had no interest in meeting his son. Now of course they got hurt and claimed they did and blamed me for having that attitude. Its the vibe I got off them though so thats not my fault! Im willing to admit thats my fault to obut as they have never expressed a single bit of interest in the kid or meeting him what was I supposed to think?

They also got angry at not being 'invited' to ours but sure they are my parents I drop up to theirs without an invite why cant they come to mine without one?

normally when I call over its by myself because if we both go we are there for hours. I said this to my dad and he got v upset and i felt so awful. he is a lovely man and loves to play host but doesnt realise that he is quite full on. Last time we called up he had 3 beers down my Bf neck in half an hour. Id happily call up if one of us could drive home but they take offence they can see that we would like to call up for a chat without drinking!
they also asked why i couldnt come up week nights but sure I dont get home mid week til 10pm and at the point I want to go to bed as does my BF who gets up really early for work.

and re drink yes theres a bit of a problem there they drink a lot. Its frustrating and its the reason I dont and have never liked drinking with them as they drink a lot and tempers flare and all the things that they have bottled up come flooding out.

I just dont know what do to now. I dont want to call up to them as I cant cope with more aggro. There was no reply to the text I sent. If I was to send flowers or an apology I dont feel thats fair either as its not all my fault. Its as if they feel I went off with my BF and away from them but its untrue. The irony is my BF would tell anyone that I spend more time at my hobby than with him!!

Beruthiel

HeadsWrecked wrote: »

I explained to them that as they were so hostile about the Bf being divorced I assumed they had no interest in meeting his son. Now of course they got hurt and claimed they did and blamed me for having that attitude. Its the vibe I got off them though so thats not my fault! Im willing to admit thats my fault to obut as they have never expressed a single bit of interest in the kid or meeting him what was I supposed to think?

Oh I can well understand that it's the vibe you got from them and you were probably not wrong at the time.
However, they've had time to think and have obviously decided to give him a go because you are serious about him.

They also got angry at not being 'invited' to ours but sure they are my parents I drop up to theirs without an invite why cant they come to mine without one?

Well, that's obvious, they do not want to intrude or just turn up at a bad time.

yes theres a bit of a problem there they drink a lot. Its frustrating and its the reason I dont and have never liked drinking with them as they drink a lot and tempers flare and all the things that they have bottled up come flooding out.

Does Sunday lunch not seem to be the best idea then?
That way you can leave before things get out of hand.

LegacyUser

Hi, I would suggest sunday lunch but the latest thing is they wont go out for a meal with us at all! I suggested it the other day and it was like 'why do we have to go out somewhere we dont like that can you not just come round here'. sigh...its so frustrating. they just want us to come round there sit and drink . They say they would be happy for us to call round and head on but thats never really the way it works out. Im prepared to try it as in Im prepared to call over there for a few drinks before heading out to the pub at the weekend but I cant now as we are not speaking. See thats the issue I have. If they were upset about things and wanted us to come round etc Im more than happy to try and appease them but instead of saying it to me and talking about it they turned it into a fight and attacked me over it. It makes it impossible for me to meet them in the middle as any plans I make now will be flung back at me as 'only doing it becuase i feel i have to now'
each and every time I call over I am given out to for 'rushing off' its just guilt and more guilt. As it is sometimes im so busy that I get mentally worn out trying to please everyone!

I have no idea what to do now. I cant call over as I will no doubt not be welcome and I am not around for the rest of the week as am going away with work, have tried texting and no reply. Just to explain thi sis not an isolated incident. Last time I stayed there and had a few drinsk with them I left in tears as I was attacked for not having a house or mortgage. It was my choice to rent not buy!! and sure wasnt I right not to buy an over priced house last year? I would have ended up with a huge mortgage and a house that dropped in value

LegacyUser

if anyone has any suggestions as to how to try and make contact to try and heal this rift that would be great. as I said I am reluctant to call round if it will lead to more aggro as I am very obviously being ignored by them now which is so frustrating.

p.s. sorry for using different names I cant figure out how to unreg post under the same username each time?

StandnDeliver

at the end of the day you only have one life and its your life to do with what you want.Dont feel guilty about what happened, drink fueled fights are ridiculous and i reckon they probably feel a little stupid.You have tried to communicate via texts so just leave it at that.Maybe in a few weeks after the dust settles suggest dinner out again.If they accuse you of ignoring them say well i invited you etc etc....
Sometimes you cant deal with people who are stuck in a rut.Leave them to it,im sure they will miss you and put some effort in.And tbh once a week is loads.

LegacyUser

Thanks that does make me feel a bit better. They have always been like this and you are right I am realising they will never change! Even when I was younger 'why didnt you do X'. Me 'you never asked so I didnt know you wanted that done. I did everything else though'. 'well i shouldnt have to ask'. Thats the issue I am supposed to just 'know' how they are feeling and what they want and when I dont its my fault.

I do like the idea of leaving it for a little while to cool off and its probably to the best as right now I just know another visit will mean another shouting session. I would wait until I am back from my work trip but the thing is before said argument I was supposed to drop something up to them that they wanted for the weekend. I am not sure what to do about that. texts will no doubt go unanswered, if I dont drop it up I will no doubt be the worst in the world but I really dont think I can face going to them as im worried I will just get a door slammed in my face or a horrible reception

allabouteve

HeadWrecking wrote: »

Ok, so let me start off by explaining a few things. My BF and I are going out a few years. At first I did not tell my parents (lived at home at the time), as he was divorced and had a son and my parents by their own admission are very judgemental and I knew they would go mad. Which of course they did. this caused several rows they had never even met him but didnt like him. eventualli moved in with him, they met him and things settled down a bit as they realised its a serious relationship and he is a nice guy.

I have a very busy schedule as I work full time often long hours and also have a hobby that I do 2-3 evenings a week with some competitions or work the odd weekend. between all this, keeping on top of the house work, being on a commitee and spending time with my BF, parents and friends its often a tight squeeze. But I love being busy and I always make time to see the people I love. I see the parents at least once a week. usually without the BF. If I plan to stay an hour its usually longer as they like seeing me and get annoyed when I need to go or wont stay and drink with them and this makes it frustrating for me.
anyway, called round two days ago to drop something in for. They had both been drinking and before I knew it both were squaring up at me shouting at me and giving out that 'the two of you never call up', 'you never invite us down', 'your like a stranger'. I explained that last time we arranged a meal they cancelled and that I usually just want to call up not stay drinking (they drink frequently). Turns out they want us both to call up for drinks. So I explained that due to the BF son staying at weekends we only have one evening free at weekends and usually go out. They argued that we could call up and then go out but i feel if we do that they get annoyed if we want to go out after an hour or so. so as usual its catch 22, if I say 'fine lets do that' I get thrown back 'your only doing it out of duress!', if I say nothing they get worse! Besides when the son is with us I felt it was inaappropriate to invite them when he was there as I honestly felt they had no interest in meeting him (as does BF). anyway, they kept the shouting and accusations up so eventually I just stormed out as I had 20 years of that kind of arguing and just dont have the stamina for it anymore.

so, now I am not being spoken to. I text to explain that I love them but that I cannot be made feel guilty all the time. I am there at least once a week. Dont get me wrong I feel really bad that they want to spend more time with us and I didnt know and will happily take responsibility for my faults but I am just angry that instead of discussing how they feel sober and rationally - as usuall they let it go and say nothing until it festeres into resentment and they let fly at me when they have been drinking. Its impossible to speak logically to them when they have been drinking
so now I dont know what to do. They are lovely people and are so generous but what kills me is that every gift comes with a guilt trip and it always has

Its not generosity if every gift comes with a guilt price tag attached. You are doing everything you can to keep everybody happy, and have no reason to change your routine. Don't give in to the silent treatment, once they find they can manipulate you with it, it'll never stop.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

hi op,well done for being so mature and independant yourself,you sould like you love your parents and try and be there for them but they need more from you to help fill up their lives... it sounds like they are drinking to fill a void,because they are lonely and frustrated,my grandparents were like this,they were not drinkers but there was constant pressure to go to their house to make their lives fuller,and guilt was constantly used as a way of manipulating me to go out... you end up with mixed feelings of feeling sorry for them because they are lonely but not wanting to feel responsible for them either and they didnt seem to respect the fact that i had other commitments and my own life....

a great book i read is a book called 'Toxic Parents' by susan forward,it goes through examples of different dynamics which are very good to relate to and the back of the book has techniques for dealing with difficult confrontations and examples of non defensive responses and position statements which really help with being adult around your parents and balancing your life with theirs...

they seem to be punishing you at the momment for not staying in your old role,they are going to have to learn you are an adult and have your own needs,i think its better to establish a new relationship with them,because its not fair on you and they are too dependant on you....

you sound like you know what you want in life and are trying to balance alot of relationships to make everyone around you happy,it might be an idea to give yourself more time,and be selfish for yourself..... well done for identifying the problem and doing something about it,its not easy but it will be worth putting yourself first-no guilt anymore!

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies. Blonde I will def check out that book. I think I need to reassure myself that this is not all my fault. I spoke to my BF and he assured me that its not and even offered to call up with me to sort something out. It is so hurtful that I am being ignored for leaving the house rather than further participate in an argument I didnt even start!

I have sent her a text today asking her if she still wants me to drop that stuff up before I go away. Going to leave it up to her if she doesnt bother texting me back then I will leave it be. If she cant be civil enough to answer a text then theres no point in me going to the house. I will ring her and arrange for me and the BF to call round next week and try at least to offer an olive branch in an attempt to sort out some kind of civil relationship.

The sad thing is that most of my family are like this. Always having arguments especially where drink is involved and then enjoying dragging it out for as long as possible. She is dying for me to beg forgiveness and to say its all my fault but I am just not going to lower myself to that.

WilmaRidesAgain

Your parents are definitely being manipulative, they are putting you in an impossible position and it seems like they dont care....

It hurts to have accusations like "oh you only stay for an hour" and things like that when you have sacrificed your time to come and then receive an ungrateful attitude.

I would definitely agree with the other posters and not contact them for a while. It seems like they cause all this fuss and paint you as the villian and then expect sympathy when they are the ones who are driving you away with their melodramatic and self pitying behaviour!

Anyway, I know its so difficult but dont fall into their trap, they are looking for attention and it seems like everything "bad" that happens around them is someone elses fault rather then their own.

I dont know if you will ever get them to behave properly, its hard when adult parents are like this but the only thing you can do is to protect yourself from them a little bit. Its not fair that they always insist YOU go to them and partake in THEIR chosen activity (ie drinking)

If contact is made again, try inviting them to things that dont involve drinking and if they make excuses, you can then point out to them that of course you are reluctant to always jump to the tune of their fiddle when they never do the same for you.

Anyway OP keep the chin up and dont allow them to manipulate you.