Threesome's when in steady relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Myself and my boyfriend have been together to the passed year.We are both head over heels and all is good. Recently, we both got talking about threesome's...When I was single It was always something I wanted to try but never got the opportunity. So now, a year into a relationship and I'm just a little afraid... he said it can be up to me who the third person is?

Has anyone out there got any advise for me or any experience with this?

Captain Ginger

Well, I don't really want to pry into your sex life, but are we talking about a third man or women here?

If you really feel comfortable with it then by all means go for it, but just be careful he isn't looking for an easy excuse to shag another woman, because that's really not on and it does happen.

biko

This question has been asked before and my response then was that you need to be in a VERY secure relationship if you consider this.
A once off can lead to a few more times and before you know it there is doubts and insecurity on someones part.

Will the third person be male or female? Will there be full on sex between all parties or just you and bf? Do you have anyone in mind or will you try to find someone in a club or on the net?
Many questions need answering before you go ahead, imo.

My advice: Make it a once off with a partner of YOUR choice, preferably a stranger. If it's a girl then have them both concentrate on you, not each other.

"Sex between two people is a wonderful thing, between three it's fantastic."

Hope this helps

MIN2511

hardtoknow wrote: »

Hi all,

Myself and my boyfriend have been together to the passed year.We are both head over heels and all is good. Recently, we both got talking about threesome's...When I was single It was always something I wanted to try but never got the opportunity. So now, a year into a relationship and I'm just a little afraid... he said it can be up to me who the third person is?

Has anyone out there got any advise for me or any experience with this?

Right, this a bit to take....

1. You have been dating for over a year?
2. You would like to have a threesome?
3. The third person-can be male or female?
4. Is this a once off?
5. If you tried it and you hated but your bf loved it and wanted more what would you do?
6. Can you cope with your bf kissing/having sex with another woman(or man) while you watch i.e. jealousy?

TBH i don't see how this would work out, after the intercourse would life continue to be the same or would there be lust for other partners

LegacyUser

Well we have talked at lenght..... it would be my choice who we bring in, I would choose a female and a stranger at that...

He said he would not have sex with the other woman, he basically would get off on watching me with another woman....

its a delicate thing in my eyes, would I get jealous, would he get jealous? Awhhh, I had always imagined it with two strangers, not a boyfriend?!!

Irishcrx

My ex and myself talked about this before, she was interested in getting another girl involved to try it out, I didn't really have a problem with it but I wasn't to interested 3 somes aint a major appeal to me, after talking about it for a bit we decided not to go with it and it could cause to many problems afterwards.

If you and your bf decide you do want to go for it, pick carefully not that people will be gunning to get into a 3 some with the two of you. Maybe even hire a professional escort to ge involved , they would know what there doing, how to keep the peace and not really much chance of anybody running off with them..

LegacyUser

I think you'd regret it... a buddy of mine did it and it ruined her four year relationship... I don't know i think she found it hard watching her man touch another woman the way he touched her. It ate away at their relationship even though it only happened once with a freind of hers that went of travelling for a year.

she is now back and they can't look each other in the eye so not only did it ruin her relationship but also the freindship. TBH i think there were other issues too that led to the break up but the threesome was the last straw.

Beruthiel

hardtoknow wrote: »

its a delicate thing in my eyes, would I get jealous, would he get jealous? Awhhh, I had always imagined it with two strangers, not a boyfriend?!!

It's obvious you have doubts. This is not something you should be going into unless you are 100% up for it.
You need to tell him that it was something you had thought of doing with two strangers and that you are not happy doing it with someone you are in a committed relationship with.
That is what's bothering you, isn't it?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

It's obvious you have doubts. This is not something you should be going into unless you are 100% up for it.
You need to tell him that it was something you had thought of doing with two strangers and that you are not happy doing it with someone you are in a committed relationship with.
That is what's bothering you, isn't it?

yes, it is the whole boyfriend thing... the last thing I would want to do is ruin what we have.

Beruthiel

hardtoknow wrote: »

yes, it is the whole boyfriend thing... the last thing I would want to do is ruin what we have.

Why haven't you just told him that?

AngryBadger

I'm inclined to think the danger with a 3some is it'll expose your relationship to the very harsh light of truth.

If I'm in a serious relationship with someone I care about (I'm not btw!) I couldn't see a 3some working because I honestly don't think I could get my head around sharing the woman I loved with someone. Christ even typing that in makes my stomach churn.

If I was having a casual relationship with someone, then yeah, fine, fire away.

The problem is you're in a relationship and you think you're definitely in love with your partner. In the right circumstances people don't engage intimately with anyone outside their relationship because they simply don't want to. If their feelings for their current partner are as strong as they believe then the notion of sharing themselves with someone else just doesn't come up. Obviously I'm not referring to noticing someone attractive who isn't your partner, nothing wrong with that.

I can't even explain what I mean fully because I don't know how to articulate it properly.

In short, you love someone, as an expression of that love you choose to share yourself with them on a level of intimacy that no-one else experiences with you. A part of that is sexual intimacy.

Now what happens when you and your partner share that level of intimacy with someone else? I would have to ask myself "what does that say about how I see my partner and this relationship, what does this say about how my partner sees me and this relationship, and how much do we really value the uniqueness of what we share if we're willing to bring a third party into it?"

I'm not saying people can't have fun with multiple partners, I am saying that I cannot conceive of how two people can consider themselves in a meaningful, emotionally enriching relationship if they want/are will to share that with all and sundry.

I'm more than happy to be proven wrong, and I'm not trying to question the integrity of what you have OP, but I honestly don't think it's a good idea to gamble what you think you have for the sake of being able to say you had a 3some at some point in your life.

Beruthiel

AngryBadger wrote: »

I am saying that I cannot conceive of how two people can consider themselves in a meaningful, emotionally enriching relationship if they want/are will to share that with all and sundry.

Because everyone is different and some people can actually be in a committed relationship and get up to all sorts that others can't even get their heads around. Humans are a very diverse bunch you know.

Knightfall

I would tend to think along the lines of Beruthiel. Everone is different. If you don't feel fully committed to doing it don't do it. But, I believe that if you do you have to discuss it fully with your boyfriend and lay down the groundrules of what each of you can and cannot do before you begin, and ensure that the other lady knows them too. I wish you luck either way, and a long happy relationship!:D

LegacyUser

In our relationship we have played with other couples and have enjoyed the experience. It is somethign we do every now and again when we both feel like it. We found it added something to our relationship that is hard to explain but basicly it brings us closer together. We do not do full sex with the extra players and have a set of rules in terms of what we will or wont do. If you go into something like this with out everyone knowing and agreeing to those rules things might happen that you dont want and that is something you must avoid.

If you use the internet to source the extra person be very careful in who you pick, there are more fake profiles on swinger sites than there are real. Not to rain on your parade but real single females on swinger sites are rare as the doodoo is these days.

In the end you two have to really think about this and make sure it is something you want. Its not for everyone and it is a huge step to make. Just be careful and do not do anything that will result in the relationship falling apart.

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote: »

Because everyone is different and some people can actually be in a committed relationship and get up to all sorts that others can't even get their heads around. Humans are a very diverse bunch you know.

Oh absolutely, no argument here, and I wasn't trying to posit my opinion as "the way it is/should be". As I said though, for me, right now, and based on the only experience I've ever had which I felt was as close to actual "Love" as I've gotten thus far, there was/is no way I could consider this.

And that's as much because I'd be heart-broken if a woman I felt that strongly for wanted to share me with someone else, or wanted to bring someone else in to satifcy her, as it is because I'm a guy, and however much I might try to deny it a woman I feel that strongly for is not for sharing.

oh and the last part means sharing sexually obviously, I'm not neanderthalically insisting she have no contact with anyone but me

Nikster

I think you know the answer to this question yourself already, but I'll reinforce for you- it's not a good idea. It won't work while you're in a relationship

Oryx

Ideas like this are brilliant in an abstract way, when you talk about them, and use them as a turn on. Fantasies inside your head are always perfect. Transfer it to real life and it may not work out as you imagined. All the real emotion and physicality that you skim over in your head become real. If you really are considering this think through what it would actually be like. Visualise it fully, including how you would deal with the third person. And then talk to your bf about it again.

Even if you never go through with it, exploring the idea and talking through your hopes, doubts, fears and fantasises with him can be a very eye opening and bonding thing.

Le_Roi_Eric

hardtoknow wrote: »

He said he would not have sex with the other woman, he basically would get off on watching me with another woman....

This seems unfair to me.


If you are being allowed to play out your homosexualist fantasies then I see no reason why he too should not be allowed.

I understand that he will get off on seeing you with another woman rather than giving you a seeing-to himself but surely some middle-ground can be found as it seems a little lopsided to me.


My advice is that you suggest to him that you select a male of his chosing to bum him while he his watching you with the other woman.


Make it a foursome, as it were.


That way, all things will be equal and there will be no jealousy or underlying resentment when the whole thing is said and done.

Nevyn

Talk about it, talk about it a lot and I don't mean as spining something for you both to get off on. Talk about everything that might go wrong and if you still want to think about dipping you toes in what water then start with kissing someone with him looking on and see what type of emotional process that sparks in you both rather then jumping in the deepend.

Gemini Sister

Op, have you had lesbian experiences before? Maybe you have, but if it is your first time, perhaps having you bf watching isn't really the way to go? Sorry to be a passion killer but for a straight girl (which you may discover you are - hey, I only discovered how straight I was when I tried to experiment - yuck) a bi experience may not live up to the fantasy, and then you're in the awkward position of having to perform for your bf?
Its hard enough to know if you fancy someone enough to have a sexual experience with them - imagine added pressure of them being the same sex, having an audience & that audience being your nearest and dearest? ... Maybe I'm just boring.
Why not try another couple instead? Someone that seems more 'real'? (A challenge for both of you?)
If you do choose to do it, I imagine hiring a pro is the way to go.

Knightfall

Gotta agree with Gemini, if you do go down this road the best way to go is to hire a pro. They won't form any emotional tie to either of ye, and will not welcome any from either of ye, therefore knocking that in the bud!

Jessica87

Le_Roi_Eric wrote: »

This seems unfair to me.


If you are being allowed to play out your homosexualist fantasies then I see no reason why he too should not be allowed.

I understand that he will get off on seeing you with another woman rather than giving you a seeing-to himself but surely some middle-ground can be found as it seems a little lopsided to me.


My advice is that you suggest to him that you select a male of his chosing to bum him while he his watching you with the other woman.


Make it a foursome, as it were.


That way, all things will be equal and there will be no jealousy or underlying resentment when the whole thing is said and done.

That's top advice. A threesome is very asymmetric and this can put strain on all parties. Most men have bi-curious fantasies, so he'd probably like it but would never suggest it. It's up to you OP!.

RossFixxxed

This has flashing warning signs all over it! No is the quick answer. And I think from your posts you know it too...

a-k-47

sounds like you just want some girl on girl!! ....

gogglebok

Knightfall wrote: »

Gotta agree with Gemini, if you do go down this road the best way to go is to hire a pro. They won't form any emotional tie to either of ye, and will not welcome any from either of ye, therefore knocking that in the bud!

Interesting. I wonder what that would cost.

Am I the only one who thinks that emotional ties might make it more satisfying? It's asking a lot for three people to fall in love with each other, I know, but I think it would be better if they were at least friends. But there is no guessing how completely wrong I might be about this. I've found arranging a twosome complex enough.

I'd agree with everyone else that you should tread carefully, OP. But not too carefully. New experiences often come with a little anxiety attached, even when they turn out to be rewarding.

LegacyUser

Unregswingers wrote: »

In our relationship we have played with other couples and have enjoyed the experience. It is somethign we do every now and again when we both feel like it. We found it added something to our relationship that is hard to explain but basicly it brings us closer together. We do not do full sex with the extra players and have a set of rules in terms of what we will or wont do. If you go into something like this with out everyone knowing and agreeing to those rules things might happen that you dont want and that is something you must avoid.

If you use the internet to source the extra person be very careful in who you pick, there are more fake profiles on swinger sites than there are real. Not to rain on your parade but real single females on swinger sites are rare as the doodoo is these days.

In the end you two have to really think about this and make sure it is something you want. Its not for everyone and it is a huge step to make. Just be careful and do not do anything that will result in the relationship falling apart.

I'm with these guys. What you are looking to do is pretty cool if you know what you want and how to get it. If your relationship is secure enough and you know that it's not for any one of you as individuals to get your rocks off, then great. Having a threesome, foursome or moresome is fun for most people because they get turned on as a couple.

A few things we would recommend, download a podcast called swingercast (www.swingercast.com) and start listening from the first episode. You will learn about rules and how to do it so you don't put your relationship in jeopardy. It's very possible and a lot of fun!

Set out ground rules like:

only girls kiss
no penetration unless with your partner
oral sex only
things like that.

And stick to them no matter what. The heat of the moment may mean that your guy will jump in on the action when he can't control himself. If there is something he wants to do, you wait until afterwards and discuss it when there are no hormones around. Never ever break your ground rules.

Also make up a signal you both understand so that you can stop the other person if you feel uncomfortable. Swingercast teaches a lot.

Go with it, but do a little research on how to do it right. In this game, women call ALL the shots and so they should. Learn how to keep your partner in check so he knows where respect should lie. Then you'll have a LOT of fun.

Le_Roi_Eric

Jessica87 wrote: »

That's top advice. A threesome is very asymmetric and this can put strain on all parties. Most men have bi-curious fantasies, so he'd probably like it but would never suggest it. It's up to you OP!.

Thanks, Jessica.

I'm always on hand to dispense this kind of advice.


PM me if it's very personal, I can be most discreet.

LegacyUser

Gemini Sister wrote: »

Op, have you had lesbian experiences before? Maybe you have, but if it is your first time, perhaps having you bf watching isn't really the way to go? Sorry to be a passion killer but for a straight girl (which you may discover you are - hey, I only discovered how straight I was when I tried to experiment - yuck) a bi experience may not live up to the fantasy, and then you're in the awkward position of having to perform for your bf?
Its hard enough to know if you fancy someone enough to have a sexual experience with them - imagine added pressure of them being the same sex, having an audience & that audience being your nearest and dearest? ... Maybe I'm just boring.
Why not try another couple instead? Someone that seems more 'real'? (A challenge for both of you?)
If you do choose to do it, I imagine hiring a pro is the way to go.

Gemini, I have had lesbian experiences before, I would have no problem in being with another woman..... when I'm attracted to a person , their sex is secondary. My only concerns are the aftermath and how each of us would feel.

allabouteve

hardtoknow wrote: »

Gemini, I have had lesbian experiences before, I would have no problem in being with another woman..... when I'm attracted to a person , their sex is secondary. My only concerns are the aftermath and how each of us would feel.

If it's a lesbian experience the OP is after then her partner being present could ruin the whole thing for her. If you're only doing it for your partner and he does something not previously agreed upon it could wreck that relationship.

Only you know what it would be that satisfies your sexual curiosity, personally, if I was in love with someone, I could never watch them involved in sexual activity with another woman. Or man!:)

AMPM

IMO it's not a matter of how strong your relationship is or how much you trust your partner. Its a mindset issue. Threesomes, swinging etc are games for people who see sex and making love as two different things completely. These people, whether single or in a relationship, are capable of differentiating between sex and love. They can have sex for the sake of having sex and see it as nothing other than sex. Most people (particurarly women if we are to believe the women are from venus men are from mars theory) need the emotional ties, and see sex as a form of expressing their love for their partner.

Op, you need to ask yourself which category you and your partner belong to. The fact that you are expressing concerns about this issue would lead me to believe that you fall into the later.

for the record, myself and my partner have discussed this topic on a number of occasions. However while I'm definately a martian, she is most probaly feom venus and therefore we haven't gone through with it.

LegacyUser

We do this every now and then. It has never been planned and have never done it as part of any swingers club or anything. It just happens.

The first time it happened, it started off as a poker game with a male friend of ours, that ended up as strip poker when the matches ran out and then went onto other things. We spoke about it the next day and were both cool about it. She enjoyed it and yeah I did too. It was a fantasy for her and it made her feel sexy. For her it is just sex and nothing more. I know she loves me very much and we have been together a long time. She knows I am cool about it and I know she enjoys what she calls the sexy game. It is her living her fantasy.

On average, it happens about 5 or 6 times a year and is mostly completely spontaneous but sometimes not. She may provoke things with her clothes or doing things.

So if you want to do this, you have to be mature about it. It's a great way to loose a partner if you let it. But it is also a great way to enhance a relationship if you are mature about it. We're easy going and know that there is plenty of time for the serious stuff later on in life.