Possible stalker?

LegacyUser

Hi,

My ex has recently changed jobs and is now working in the same area as me. We broke up ages ago on not great terms and I probably hadn't seen him for 2 years until a few weeks ago. He contacted me a number of times during this time, he wanted to be friends but I wasn't interested and seeing him again is a bit awkward for me and I'd prefer if I didn't bump in to him nearly everday on my lunch break.

Anyway, I don't want to be rude to him but he keeps asking me to go to lunch with him and even though I'm not keen, I run out of excuses so have ended up eating with him a few times. He just seems to pop up every time I nip out for my sandwich!

What's bothering me is that once he mentioned something about my job, something personal that I had no idea how he could know. I questioned him about it and he quickly backtracked, said that I'd misunderstood what he was saying and it was left like that. But thinking about it later, I don't see how I could have possible taken it up wrong. It's not something I'd told anyone about and I'd only just heard about it recently myself - a voicemail had been left on my mobile about it.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine later and he told me that my ex could have hacked into my phone's voicemail! I thought this was a bit far fetched but he told me that it's really easy to do because I hadn't changed the password when I set up voicemail. I laughed it off but a couple of days later I got a text saying I had a new voicemail. I didn't get a chance to check it until that evening and when I called my voice mail it said that I had no new messages. When I listened to my old messages, the most recent one had been left earlier in the day so it was as if somebody had already listened to it!

I've since changed the password on my voicemail and am really paranoid now. I want to say something to him but I hate any sort of confrontation and I have no proof so I don't want to just accuse him. This is really stressing me out and I'm even thinking about applying for a transfer in work just to get away from him. Is there any way I can prove this or bring it up without accusing him outright? Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I can't just let it go..

MJOR

stalked wrote: »

Hi,

My ex has recently changed jobs and is now working in the same area as me. We broke up ages ago on not great terms and I probably hadn't seen him for 2 years until a few weeks ago. He contacted me a number of times during this time, he wanted to be friends but I wasn't interested and seeing him again is a bit awkward for me and I'd prefer if I didn't bump in to him nearly everday on my lunch break.

Anyway, I don't want to be rude to him but he keeps asking me to go to lunch with him and even though I'm not keen, I run out of excuses so have ended up eating with him a few times. He just seems to pop up every time I nip out for my sandwich!

What's bothering me is that once he mentioned something about my job, something personal that I had no idea how he could know. I questioned him about it and he quickly backtracked, said that I'd misunderstood what he was saying and it was left like that. But thinking about it later, I don't see how I could have possible taken it up wrong. It's not something I'd told anyone about and I'd only just heard about it recently myself - a voicemail had been left on my mobile about it.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine later and he told me that my ex could have hacked into my phone's voicemail! I thought this was a bit far fetched but he told me that it's really easy to do because I hadn't changed the password when I set up voicemail. I laughed it off but a couple of days later I got a text saying I had a new voicemail. I didn't get a chance to check it until that evening and when I called my voice mail it said that I had no new messages. When I listened to my old messages, the most recent one had been left earlier in the day so it was as if somebody had already listened to it!

I've since changed the password on my voicemail and am really paranoid now. I want to say something to him but I hate any sort of confrontation and I have no proof so I don't want to just accuse him. This is really stressing me out and I'm even thinking about applying for a transfer in work just to get away from him. Is there any way I can prove this or bring it up without accusing him outright? Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I can't just let it go..

Hope this helps...... Avoid him and make it blatently obvious you don't want to spend time with him. He is most probably hacking into your voicemail and possibly your email too.....

You broke up on bad terms and probably hadn't banked on seeing him again so it must be tough.....

The only thing you can do is maximise your privacy by changing passwords. He wanted friendship and probably sees this new found contact as great.

good luck

humanji

To be honest, you can't be certain he's stalking you. Just avoid him. You've changed your phone password, and you might as well change any email passwords you have (everyone should be changing them regularly anyway ).

Ignoring him is the only thing to do, really. And this isn't just because he could be stalking you, but because you don't want anything to do with him anyway. Don't feel bad about telling him you don't want to meet up. If he's got the balls to ask you then you should have the balls to say no.

Civilian_Target

Sounds... wierd. Change your password, ignore him as long as you can.
When he pushes this issue (my experiences with a stalker is that it will come to this at some point), if in a public place, tell him you don't want to know about him, no excuses, just say it. If it's a less public place, make an excuse, in case he doesn't take rejection well!

estar

sometimes you have to be firm, and say no thanks.

no thanks no thanks no thanks to every offer

you have passed yourself and been nice, there is no future
in the friendship or the aquaintance, so if you don't enjoy
his company, just be firm.

as for the voice mail - you have no proof and it would be
too easy for him to deny.

it might have happened, and it mighn't
so just avoid him from now on, bring your lunch in,
ask people in work to lunch with you, make excuses.

Bottle_of_Smoke

While its incredibley rude I don't think it puts him in the dangerous stalker category.

Still keep an eye. Block him out, refuse to go on lunch, say you already have plans.

Maybe take the transfer if it'll makes things better.

MagicMarker

The first time you agreed to have lunch with him was when you gave him hope. Ya see, us men, we're simple folk, if i ask a girl to go to lunch, even if it's an old flame, and they say yes, then i may be thinking good things.

After two years without seeing him i can't really imagine he's decided to stalk you all of a sudden. But if he asks you to go to lunch and you don't want to, then say NO. Otherwise, no matter how harmless it may seem, in his mind it could be construed as leading him on.

Pikasso

I agree with the others - say no!
Surround yourself with people (if that's possible) at break and lunch. If he catches you on your own, use little eye contact, constantly say hello to other people who pass and, if possible, excuse yourself to him and (feigning urgency) go and ask someone something. Don't show interest in anything he does or says. Be selfish and egotistical in your conversations.
Trust your instincts on this - if you feel uncomfortable in his presence then his intentions are more than friendship.
You could always put back on the old voicemail code and A) get a friend to leave you a unique message and see if your stalker repeats it. Or get a friend leave a message asking if 'stalker' is still hassling you.
Either way, avoid him.

Gross Halfwit

Sounds strange.He may be obsessing over you still. Is he the violent type? Not to scare or anything but if he's not then don't worry. Chances are this is just him cashing in on the fact he now has an excuse to see you. He probably misses you & has bee npining over you for the last 2 years & seeing you again is the catalyst for all his feelings. Not blaming you just saying.

If he knew spome private information that he could only have known from hacking yur voicemail then chances are that's exactly what he did. I had my voicemail hacked because I never bothered to change the password either. If he knows his way around a PC then it's possible he could hack your e-mail too. Change passwords as was already suggested.

Make your Bebo/MySpace/Facebook accounts (if you have any) private. He may be checking up on you that way also. Also ask any friends whom he would know to do the same ...

Good luck & be safe!

hockeygirl

Agree with all the other posters.


Change all of your passwords, make all web pages private like bebo etc.

When you meet up does he talk about the old days or anything like that which would show that he's having a hard time letting go??

I had an ex who was constantly perstering me to meet up months afterwards so one day I had enough and I just told him on the phone I felt very uncomfortable with the situation and would prefer if we didnt meet up at all. We broke up for a reason... no longer a couple ... I have moved on and he should do the same. It didnt go down too well but needless to say I havent heard from him since.

You need to be firm with him.

RedXIV

OK OP just so you know, the idea of hacking into email accounts and bebo etc is bloody hard, i'm a computers student and i wanted to look into this a while ago and i couldn't do it. The voice mail thing is a bit different, it was pretty easy a few years ago but they have made it harder now.

If he IS managing to do this, then he's dedicated but to be honest, i wouldn't suspect him. Also, if you ring your voicemail when you have a new message, EVEN if you don't listen to the message, the next time you ring, it will say you have no new messages.

Finally, be rude, say no. If the guy is freaking you out then tell him you don't want to hang around with him. or tell him your meeting somene else and bring the biggest chap you know to lunch (that way if he is stalking, he knows the competition).

MagicMarker hit the nail on the head with the idea of you saying yes being a bad move.

Hope this helps

Red

AnonoBoy

RedXIV wrote: »

OK OP just so you know, the idea of hacking into email accounts and bebo etc is bloody hard, i'm a computers student and i wanted to look into this a while ago and i couldn't do it. The voice mail thing is a bit different, it was pretty easy a few years ago but they have made it harder now.

If he IS managing to do this, then he's dedicated but to be honest, i wouldn't suspect him. Also, if you ring your voicemail when you have a new message, EVEN if you don't listen to the message, the next time you ring, it will say you have no new messages.

Hacking email accounts and that is hard but phones are easy to be honest. If you're on vodafone it's pretty widely known what the default password is so it would be very easy to get into someone's messages. Also if he mentioned something that you had only just found out about through your voicemail then chances are it was him listening. You were right to change your password.

As for email accounts and social networking sites. Change all your passwords - and use different passwords for each account if possible. While hacking stuff like that is hard it may well be that your ex might know your password from years ago if you're using the same one or that he might be able to guess it if it's not that secure (ie - a pet's name, that sort of thing).

Of course all this doesn't mean that he's dangerous. He's just obviously not over you and is trying to work his way back into your life. He probably doesn't even see what he did as all that bad. But as everyone has said - avoid him. Don't get talked into having lunch with him again and try as best as you can to go to lunch with other people so it's harder for him to corner you.

Good luck and remember - if he comes on too strong, forget social norms and that and just tell him bluntly where to go.

AngryBadger

Sounds a bit odd.

It could simply be that he was hoping ye could be friends when he realised you were working in the same area. Could be that he still has feelings, or something. He might genuinels be stalking you.

The only thing to do is be completely unavailable, if he asks you to do stuff tell him you're busy, working late, working overtime, whatever it takes. If he eventually calls you on it then level with him, tell him you're not comfortable around him for whatever reason (your history and bad break-up I presume), and leave it at that.

Whatever his motivation you're not obliged to interact with him on any level, if he can't deal with that, I know this is a little cruel, but that's not your problem.

Also, if he does seem to have tidbits of information you wouldn't expect him to have, maybe it'd be worth asking around amongst any mutual mates. Although bear in mind that might just be adding fuel to his fire.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

He is a big computer nerd and he thinks of hacking as a "hobby" (at least he used to). I know for a fact that he's stalked people on the internet before.. and this was before bebo, facebook etc made it so easy. Thing is, where I saw it as weird and creepy he thought it was ok and he seemed to see it as a sort of triumph when he could find stuff about people. I'm usually very careful about passwords and stuff but didn't realise about the phone!

I know that I should just say no. I have a real problem saying no to people. Seriously, it's something I really need to sort out. I'm going to avoid him for the next while. Somebody suggested taking my lunch in so I'm going to do that for the next while - save a bit of money too hopefully. And I'm going to prepare myself to say a very definite NO next time he asks me for lunch. I have been too nice and that's got to stop.

Thanks again