Atonement

brokensoul

Yet another thread from me looking for advice!

The longer i am sober the harder i am finding it to face my past.

I did some really stupid things when i was drinking, i lied, i stole, i was unreliable and worrysome.

I hate that i did these things, and i have no idea how to atone for them. I dont want to sit down with family and friends and confess all my misdeeds ( and i dont think it would be helpful for either party) but i dont know how to make this feeling of shame dissapate.

I know that aa say that staying sober is the best way to apologise, but i dont feel that it is enough.

Advice please.

preilly79

be the best you can be in whatever you chose to do. it's not like society is looking for payback or anything.

RedXIV

volunteer. For loads of things. plenty of hardship.

I remember reading somewhere that some people think forgiveness can never be given, only earned, kinda sounds like you.

Also, you have a unqiue situation, you are a successful recovering alcoholic. You can help people trying to go the path you had to go through. You'd be paying back the debts to those that helped you come clean.

Lastly, i'd like to add that the thoughts of staying off alcohol sound pretty hard, so i don't think you have it easy. I'd give you forgivness, whether you'd accept it or not, thats your decision

How Strange

Brokensoul, I'm not an alcoholic so I'm surmising here really when I say that I suppose that's probably the next big step/hurdle for you in your sobriety. Now you have to acknowledge the bad things you did. I have a family member who has done awful things because of her addiction to alcohol so I'd imagine if she ever gets to this stage in her (as yet unstarted) journey to sobriety there'll be a long list of people in line for quite a few apologies.

However, I think you also need to ease up on yourself abit. We've all done horrible things and then found it difficult to apologise mostly because the moment is gone and the apology would be out of context.

I also think that people in the main are hugely forgiving. I agree with the AA's idea that being sober is a suitable atonement. I know if it was my family member, no matter all the truly awful things she has done to our family as a unit and to individuals, if she sobered up in the morning and was prepared to fight every day to stay that way then that would negate all those bad things without question.

You now need to find that peace inside yourself and I've no idea how you'll find it. Perhaps start with reading some books on positive thinking so you can also move on and stop allowing your guilt at what the old you did affect the new sober you.

brokensoul

How Strange wrote: »

Brokensoul, I'm not an alcoholic so I'm surmising here really when I say that I suppose that's probably the next big step/hurdle for you in your sobriety. Now you have to acknowledge the bad things you did. I have a family member who has done awful things because of her addiction to alcohol so I'd imagine if she ever gets to this stage in her (as yet unstarted) journey to sobriety there'll be a long list of people in line for quite a few apologies.

However, I think you also need to ease up on yourself abit. We've all done horrible things and then found it difficult to apologise mostly because the moment is gone and the apology would be out of context.

I also think that people in the main are hugely forgiving. I agree with the AA's idea that being sober is a suitable atonement. I know if it was my family member, no matter all the truly awful things she has done to our family as a unit and to individuals, if she sobered up in the morning and was prepared to fight every day to stay that way then that would negate all those bad things without question.

You now need to find that peace inside yourself and I've no idea how you'll find it. Perhaps start with reading some books on positive thinking so you can also move on and stop allowing your guilt at what the old you did affect the new sober you.

Thank you for your lovely post. My family, apart from one inlaw, have never looked for any sort of apology from me. In fact they have been fantastically forgiving.

This is just something i feel within myself. Maybe reading up on it would help...

LegacyUser

yes,i think you are holding onto too much guilt and shame.... those feelings are familar to you and it is harder to allow the positive reality to flood into you... i have done a lot of recovery myself from my past and i found at one point i was terrified to be healthy because i was so used to feeling safe around chaos and trauma... that had been all i knew for my whole life,then through my therapy i realised that i was creating a new life and i wanted a better life...

have you ever heard the saying we are afraid of failure but terrified of success-its a bit like that...

keep doing what you are doing and try to let in new feelings about yourself that you are great,you are new,you are healthy,you are happy,try to build a new positive image for yourself and aspire to that... every time you fall down you need to accept yourself -try this mantra-no pressure-no fear-no guilt-say it over and over,and feel the feeling with out the pressure and fear and guilt and try grow the new feeling...

a really inspiring writer/and recovered alcholic in the world right now is a guy called wayne dyer-he is incredible and you can listen to him here in his weekly radio slot from the U.S its totally free on line....
http://www.hayhouseradio.com/hosts.php?author_id=89

Dizzyblonde

It's understandable that you'd feel this way brokensoul, but acknowledge it and then move on.
Do as much good as you can from here on in and you'll feel you're doing something to pay back, but don't punish yourself because you've had enough hard times.;
xxx

Beetlebum

BrokenSoul,

Firstly, fair play to you for getting yourself sober. I understand that is no easy feat. You should be very proud of yourself.

Secondly, it is very important that you learn to let go of the guilt that you are feeling. It is not productive or necessary. My mom died from acute alcohol poisoning a few years back and put me and my family through years of absolute hell. She had no intentions of ever seeking help or getting sober and everyday with her was like fighting a losing battle. Without going into detail, she made me miserable for a very long time and was an angry, unremorseful ofetn vindictive drunk but had she decided to get sober, i would have supported her all the way. I would have forgiven her without question because I loved her so much despite all the things she did and I realised that it was the alcohol making her do all those terrible deceitful things.
That's the nature of alcoholism, it's a very lonesome selfish condition.

My dad is a recovered alcoholic. He has been sober for almost 2 years now and I'm so proud of him it makes me beam! He also made my life very difficult but i have forgiven him for everything without question. Cleaning his act up and staying sober is all the apology i need. Same goes for my sisters. We all love him and things he did when he was drinking no longer matter. He is a new man now and you are a new woman.

If you continue punishing yourself you may turn to alcohol again for comfort.
Please try to let go of the gulit and realise that the people who love you will love you no matter what you did while you were drinking.

Stay strong, stay on the wagon and be proud of yourself. It would break my heart to think that my dad felt gulity for how he behaved. He wasn't well at the time and either were you. Toxic body means toxic mind. You weren't being yourself but now you are. Don't waste another second feeling guilty.

Take Care and hopefully your username will soon change to FixedSoul

LegacyUser

It's hard to be objective when looking at the wrongs we did when drinking. Maybe it's best to start thinking about how you can live in the solution and be the best you can be to those you feel you have hurt.

You're also getting ahead of yourself in your recovery, your looking at step 8 and it sounds like you're barely through the first three. Pick up the big book and have a read of Chapter 5, find a sponsor, go through the steps and your feelings of guilt are going to go away, guaranteed. While you're at it, read the promises (pages 84 and 85 if memory serves), all these gross feelings are going to go away, you're going to know a new peace and a new happiness, provided you stay sober and do the work.

Good luck.

MJOR

Sober in Boston wrote: »

It's hard to be objective when looking at the wrongs we did when drinking. Maybe it's best to start thinking about how you can live in the solution and be the best you can be to those you feel you have hurt.

You're also getting ahead of yourself in your recovery, your looking at step 8 and it sounds like you're barely through the first three. Pick up the big book and have a read of Chapter 5, find a sponsor, go through the steps and your feelings of guilt are going to go away, guaranteed. While you're at it, read the promises (pages 84 and 85 if memory serves), all these gross feelings are going to go away, you're going to know a new peace and a new happiness, provided you stay sober and do the work.

Good luck.

plus one

You need to love and fogive yourself... Nothing is unfixable or attainable. Well done and you're doing better than ever by admitting your past

good luck and try not to feel guilty and learn to love the sober you..

For what its worth i think youre fab!

davyjose

Brokensoul, don't look back. There is nothing to be gained from it. Look forward. By getting yourself on the straight and narrow you have, in many ways, already atoned.
The future is yours now - embrace it. The past is the past, and you can't change it, but it's gone. Be a good person, look out for those you can help, and have a happy life. And if you can do that, you'll have nothing to be ashamed of.