new guy with alcohol problem

lucylu1

I've started seeing a guy who I really like. I've not met anyone like him in a long time, he's so lovely…got such a great personality, is kind, funny, considerate and he likes me too, or at least I know he did up until the weekend when I may have blown it. See I think he has a drink problem. He's not working much at the minute (through no fault of his own) and he's spending much of his time in the pub. That in itself isn't too bad but he drinks first thing in the morning, talks about needing it for his nerves etc. and talks about his mother being an alcoholic and says he'll end up the same way because it's hereditary. He talks like he has no choice in the matter.
He hangs around in a dodgy pub with a load of old men who have wasted their lives drinking and I think he might be going down the same road. The thing I mentioned about the weekend..I kind of said it to him, like asked what he wants to do with his life so he may think I'm being patronising. Maybe I am, but I just think he's worth so much more than the life he sees for himself. He's a great person. He said he'd text me during the week..maybe I'm worrying over nothing as it's only Tuesday but I just got vibes off him that he was annoyed with what I said and I may not hear from him again. Maybe he thinks I'm too much hassle if I'm going to challenge what he does.
Anyway… if he does get in touch and he's ok with me, am I wasting my time thinking there's any hope he'll change?? Usually a problem like this I'd just walk away but he's special.

Beruthiel

lucylu1 wrote: »

I just think he's worth so much more than the life he sees for himself. He's a great person.

Alcoholics can be nice people too you know. They still have a drink problem though.
Now, you don't say how long you have been going out with this guy, or, how well you know him. That would help in knowing if he does actually have a problem or not.

am I wasting my time thinking there's any hope he'll change??

Yes, you would be wasting your time hoping he'll change. A decision like that comes from him, when and if he's ready.

MIN2511

Beruthiel wrote: »

Alcoholics can be nice people too you know. They still have a drink problem though.
Now, you don't say how long you have been going out with this guy, or, how well you know him. That would help in knowing if he does actually have a problem or not.



Yes, you would be wasting your time hoping he'll change. A decision like that comes from him, when and if he's ready.

Totally agree with this...

It would be hard to change him...

lucylu1

I've only been going out with him a few weeks but it's quite obvious he has a problem. I don't think there's even a question about it.
Yea, I know alcoholics can be nice people, I was never saying they can't. My own dad may even be one and if not, he's close. I've seen how destructive relationships with them can be though, that's why I don’t want that sort of relationship for myself.
When I was stressing what a nice person he is, I didn't mean it in the way like I can't believe he's such a nice person and an alcoholic, I simply mean that I've not met such a nice guy in a long time, if not ever.

Beruthiel

lucylu1 wrote: »

I simply mean that I've not met such a nice guy in a long time, if not ever.

Well. You only know him a few weeks. We can all be nice for the first few weeks of meeting someone, it's only over time that we really get to know the person.

Now, if it were me and I met someone I liked, but it was very obvious that they had a drink problem, I most likely would not persue the relationship.
As it is, backing out now before getting emotionally involved would be the smart thing to do.
I'd also probably tell him why I'm doing it, just so he knows and might take a look at himself.
That's just me though.
You're the only one who can decide at the end of the day.

Hrududu

I've only been going out with him a few weeks but it's quite obvious he has a problem. I don't think there's even a question about it.

I hate to say it but cut your losses. You only know him a few weeks and in the long run I think you'll be saving yourself a lot of heartache.

MIN2511

lucylu1 wrote: »

I've only been going out with him a few weeks but it's quite obvious he has a problem. I don't think there's even a question about it.
Yea, I know alcoholics can be nice people, I was never saying they can't. My own dad may even be one and if not, he's close. I've seen how destructive relationships with them can be though, that's why I don’t want that sort of relationship for myself.
When I was stressing what a nice person he is, I didn't mean it in the way like I can't believe he's such a nice person and an alcoholic, I simply mean that I've not met such a nice guy in a long time, if not ever.

Hey, as you said you only met him a few weeks ago...

It seems you want to help him kick his habit, but who are you to come into his life and tell him he has to change. I don't think he would accept it, even though he may like you and all, it's his cross to carry. He might end up hating you for it...
It seems like you want to invest so much in him because in your mind you think this can all work, i urge you to let him find himself and then you can build a relationship.

DenMan

Hi OP

It doesn't sound like a good situation to be in at all. If he is comfortable with drinking with older men, that can be a problem. If you really like him then maybe you should try and do something together during the week. Take him away from the pub. Maybe start a hobby together, like a martial art of join the gym. This may help him to feel better about himself and take him away from the pub gradually. If he feels he is heading down the same road as his mother then maybe what he needs is a good distraction to break up the routine that he developed. It would be good for both of you in the long run.

Hope it works out for the both of you.

brokensoul

Tough one.

I know that when i was drinking i would have ran a mile from anyone who tried to tell me i had a drink problem. Ironically enough, one of the things that most upset me when i was drinking was the fact that i felt that i would never be able to have a "normal" relationship because of my drink problem.

I hid my drink problem from my other half, with varying degrees of success, for a long time and to be honest, it was nearly a relief when it all came crashing down and i had to face my problems.

I didnt stop drinking for him and i dont think that any alcoholic can stop drinking for another person. You have to want it for yourself. It did make it a hell of alot easier in recovery to have a partner though. We are now moving in together, something i could never have contemplated when i was drinking.

One thing they say in al anon. You didnt cause it, you cant cure it, you cant control it.

Keep that in mind

lucylu1

I may be thinking ahead of myself as he could have decided after me bringing it up at the weekend that I'm not worth the trouble.
If not, I'm leaving the country in a few months to start a new job so things may have fizzled out by then. If he still wants to be with me now I might see how things go until then and try to assess exactly how much of a problem he has. I can't see him during the week as I work away so it's hard to know. He might just be drinking out of boredom and it could have just got a bit out of hand?

RealEstateKing

you should consider it a major red flag: For his sake and yours get away from him.

Being the partner of an alcoholic is no fun at all. Cleaning him up when he comes home covered in piss and blood, having to pick him up from the police station, the constant worry about where he is when he dissappears for days at a time, the wondering if he'll ever stop. Its all ahead of you.

For those that say he might not be an alcoholic: Anybody that needs a drink in the morning is well on the way to a serious alcohol problem. It's only our twisted culture that allows us to ignore this.

Your not in deep with him yet. Get out for your sake and his: Getting dumped by you may well turn out to be the wake up call he needs.

kevmy

I would say don't go out with him in his present state. And you probably won't be able to convince him to stop drinking especially when you really don't know him that well.

However I think there is something to be said for putting it on the table and telling him how you feel: you like him but can't face getting into a relationship with someone who drinks as much as he does. You could leave the door open in a kind of if-you-sort-yourself-out-I-could-give-it-another-go type of way

lucylu1

Ok, following on from yesterday, he hasn't texted me so I think he was annoyed at what I said and that's ok. It's probably for the best that we don't go out with each other and I'm ok with that.
Now, he's very good friends with one of my best mates and I'll definitely bump into him and his mates when I'm out in town. As I already said he's a lovely fella and I don't want bad feeling between us. Should I ask him to meet for a quick chat at the weekend just to clear the air? Or just leave it and deal with the awkwardness of us not contacting each other when I bump into him?

LegacyUser

lucylu1 wrote: »

. He might just be drinking out of boredom and it could have just got a bit out of hand?

It sounds like it ...... he probably just doesn't like being on his own , is bored to death ,likes to be either working or doing something , the needing a drink in the morning is just because he has spent all the day before in the pub , hair of the dog is the easiest cure , then he meets all the other old lads in the same boat and it all starts again.

Amazotheamazing

One of my best mate's father is an out and out alcoholic, really talented man (or he was anyway) but just a drunk. Looking at the pain and sheer downright misery he has caused for his family, I'd say run a mile and thank your lucky stars you got away.

It's nice to have the fantasy "Oh I can change him (or her)" but that's not the reality, the sad truth is, only he can help himself.

estar

but dont get over involved emotionally with someone
who has an addiciton problem if you arent prepared
for a lot of hassle.

he also isnt in a position to participate fully
in a relationship as it sounds like he is fully taken
up with his relationship with his first love - alcohol.

hoggibear

well your only going out with him a few weeks, and you KNOW he has a problem, HE knows he has a problem and seems resigned to the fact that a life built around drink is for him because he had an alcholic parent, i dont mean to sound harsh but id say the best few weeks of your relationship could be behind you, maybe give him a couple of months, tell him to sort himself out, get some help, if he really wants you he'll do that much... chances are he wont tho..

Wibbs

I have to go along with the other posters who have given good advice so far. He does seem to be at the very dangerous end of drinking problem. This isn't the odd bender we're talking about.

Sorry to say, like any personal problem(and this is a biggy), he'll have to make the changes himself. You or your love won't do it for him, no matter how hard you try.

His contention that it's because of his genetics, while having some basis in reality does smack of excuse making on his part. I know a bloke who has an alcoholic father and others in his family and other than a few times in his teens simpy doesn't drink. He feels that while he might be ok the odds may be against him, so won't risk himself and as he says those he loves by taking that chance.