Worry too much about what others think of me

LegacyUser

Here's the deal. Whenever I start talking to a girl I like, I'm always trying too hard to make myself not seem desperate. Say for example when we're talking, either through phone, texting or msn, I'd barely initiate the conversation. I might do once, but if she doesn't start the conversation the next time I automatically tell myself that she mustn't like me and I just give up since I don't want to make myself seem needy in any way.

In other words, unless the other person is sending me some really obvious signals, I can't see myself ever acting on my feelings, and just try to move on. Is there any way of getting over this? Because at the moment I really feel its setting me back when trying to getting to know people better.

A situation my friend got himself into could be the stem of this. Unfortunately for him he can get a bit carried away with contacting certain people he likes, to the point of constant texts, messages etc every day, even when it is clear to everyone but himself that the other person just simply isn't interested. Now, he takes the brunt of quite a bit of slagging from others and now he has this stigma attached to him. I guess this is what I'm fearful will happen to me if I make it seem that I'm trying too hard.

So what can I do? At the moment there is a girl that I'd like to get to know better, and while I still don't want to make it seem like I'm throwing myself at her, I don't want to let my usual misgivings on how I think people perceive me get in the way yet again. Is there a way of trying to get to know someone better without making yourself seem too desperate? Or is it just paranoia on my part and should just act regardless?

RedXIV

OK OP, i'm gonna let you in on a secret that may solve all your issues with the fairer sex.

Girls LOVE being approached. Who doesn't love the attention of the oppostite gender? It means your doing something right. And a guy who can ask a girl out within an hour of talking to her will seem far more attractive to a guy who is overly flirtatious, or a guy who is so distant you need a telescope to see him.

While you have the right idea, that no one likes to get bombarded with contact, you've taken it too far in the wrong direction. You need to remember that not only do you need to refrain from appearing clingy, but you also need to register interest. For example, If you have sent a girl a text and she hasnt replied, unless it's making plans, the minimum you should wait is a few hours before trying again. and thats the minimum.

Just remember that even if you end up getting the balance wrong and end up seeming overly interested, a girl who feels the same way back will respond positively. a girl who isn't interested won't. But why should you worry what they think?

Best of luck

Red

Teddi

yea...dude...I used to be just like you...

looking back now I laugh how foolish I used to be....

what you need is a good balence of interest and independence..

What i mean is.....you dont sound like your typical dick thats out there...(treat them mean, keep them keen....yada yada) because your being self conscious about this feeling which is good as it shows you being considerate...

but initiate some conversations..dont act all cool and be like...oh..well..if shes interested..she can come to me...how can she get to know you if you dont make an effort ya know?

you can seem to be interested in her..but dont smother her...If your like me (the nice guy syndrome...I SUCK at being a bad boy....hehe) then your going the wrong way about it....BE YOURSELF.....ive learned that the hard way....

you sound like a nice guy yea?..be one...dont pose....dont show off...approach her in an nice welcoming way......Listen to her.....then react.....she'll love that you are listening to what she says....and not going in one ear and out the other like alot of guys do....

just pace yourself.....spend time getting to know things she likes.....hopefully you'll have things in common with her.....then you never know what can happen

g'luck mate...hope it goes well for you

Teddie

AARRRGH

RedXIV wrote: »

Girls LOVE being approached. Who doesn't love the attention of the oppostite gender?

I would qualify this by saying girls loved being approached by the right kind of guys, i.e. not ugly or creepy.

worrried wrote:

Or is it just paranoia on my part and should just act regardless?

It could be paranoia. Or maybe you're really uninteresting and unattractive? It's impossible to tell from one message on a forum.

If you are single and you want to attract women, the best thing to do is make the most of yourself. That means going to the gym, having nice clothes, nice hair, nice clean teeth, and being smiley and happy. All of these will help improve your confidence.

When it comes to conversation, ask them questions about themself, and interject with funny or interesting comments. But keep the conversation about her life and interests. She'll think you're a wonderful conversationist.

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote: »

I would qualify this by saying girls loved being approached by the right kind of guys, i.e. not ugly or creepy.

+1

Good thing is, what's ugly for someone isn't for someone else. try to look your best and act more confident around girls. that's it really.

thusspakeblixa

I used to be like this
I let it go too far and now I'm incredibly shy and literally cannot talk to girls in a romantic situation because I'm petrified they'll think I'm weird!
Be warned!

Teddi

hows that helpful???

Pikasso

dublindude wrote: »

When it comes to conversation, ask them questions about themself, and interject with funny or interesting comments. But keep the conversation about her life and interests. She'll think you're a wonderful conversationist.

I agree with this. Avoid telling your life stories, be interested in her, and not only will you come across as interested but you will also keep a sense of mystery about yourself. Letting her discover all about you over several dates is much more desirable a situation than revealing all in one go - stops you being so self-concious also if you're concentrating all your efforts on getting to know her!

thusspakeblixa

Teddi wrote: »

hows that helpful???

... I dunno, it's a warning not to let it go too far?
Anyway OP, what I've tried to do is just talk about the girl and her interests. I find it's harder for me to start whinging that way

Gina Brel

Think of situations where you were able to handle yourself in a way that you felt comfortable in your own skin.
At the moment your focus seems to be on the opposite(what you focus your attention on in your mind grows ,negative self talk)
But you can turn it around.
Change the focus from whats going on in your head to finding out more about this girl.
Good luck