Waiting.

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy now for about a month. I'll cut to the chase - he wants to sleep with me and I'm reluctant to do so. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, I want to sleep with him but am delaying for a couple of reasons: a) I don't think that rushing into things is a good idea and b) I'm not on the pill and I'm terrified of an accident. My b/f can't seem to understand this however. He thinks it's not normal that I hold out for so long, and he just doesn't understand my fears about not being on the pill. I've seen a doctor but it will be a few weeks before I actually start. I fear that he's just staying with me for the eventual sex, which he assures me he is not the case. I know he is frustrated with me, and it's the same story every time we see each other. Am I just fooling myself that he wants to be with me and is prepared to wait until I am ready, or am I just being over-cautious here? Thanks for your opinions.

lolly22

Hey hun, theres absolutely no question about it, you ARE NOT being over cautious, this is your body we are talking about here and until you are sure you are ready than nobody, not anyone, no matter how much you think you love them, should have the right to pressure you into anything.
All I can say is if he is a decent guy then you should explain to him you not ready just yet and hope he will understand and wait till you are. If not, atleast you know you did the right thing in not sleeping with him in the first place.You sound like you have a good head on your
shoulders so what ever happens you will be fine.

Good luck;)
Lolly

cjmcork

I agree with lolly - if you feel pressured, then it's not right - it's supposed to be something you both want at the same time.......if he's not willing to wait, he's not worth it - you seem to be sensible though - well done for not bowing to the pressure

jellie

if youre not ready then youre not ready. its not something you should do because of pressure

trish1

do only wat u feel comfortable wit. dont let any man push or force u. ul only end up worse for wear.

AARRRGH

What age are you both?

Dee369369

Take ur time and tell him to respect you.don't give him a time limit as u don't no urself just that u need time.if he cares he'll wait.

akamossy

dublindude wrote: »

What age are you both?

Age has got nothing to do with it. You wait until you are ready, don't be pushed into it. It is your body and you decide.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. Dublindude - we are both in our early 20s, so it's not a case of older guy putting younger girl under pressure! We are both (I like to think!) responsible adults.

I guess he either he accepts my stance on the issue or he doesn't. I think I've made myself clear to him, yet he keeps making a big deal about it, which is what is making me wonder if he is not just out for the one thing.

cHaTbOx

headwrecked08 wrote: »

I've been seeing a guy now for about a month. I'll cut to the chase - he wants to sleep with me and I'm reluctant to do so. It's not that I'm not attracted to him, I want to sleep with him but am delaying for a couple of reasons: a) I don't think that rushing into things is a good idea and b) I'm not on the pill and I'm terrified of an accident. My b/f can't seem to understand this however. He thinks it's not normal that I hold out for so long, and he just doesn't understand my fears about not being on the pill. I've seen a doctor but it will be a few weeks before I actually start. I fear that he's just staying with me for the eventual sex, which he assures me he is not the case. I know he is frustrated with me, and it's the same story every time we see each other. Am I just fooling myself that he wants to be with me and is prepared to wait until I am ready, or am I just being over-cautious here? Thanks for your opinions.

You have the right to be cautious ,as many previous posters have said it's your body and your choice.I would question your boyfriends intention sby forcing the issue upon you and saying it is not normal.If he really cared it wouldnt matter and this coaxing is not doing you any good .By coming on here I think you know the answer yourself and just want clarification.If dont feel ready ,you are not ready and dont let someone pressurise you into it.
Take care

trish1

i totally agree with random chatterbox. no 1 has the rite to push another person into anything. male or female. do what you feel is rite. its your body and your rite.

MagicMarker

If it was a case of waiting for my girlfriend to go on the pill, then i'd happily (and preferably) wait the few weeks.

However, if i'm officially seeing a girl for a month and there has been no sexual contact (i emphasise contact, not just penetration) and there was no real reason for it, then i would also be frustrated to be honest.

I don't really get the whole ''i'm not ready'' thing. If you're a mature adult and you have entered into a relationship with another adult then tbh there should be no reason to not have sex, that's part of what a relationship is. If you aren't ready for it then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

Of course, things are a little different when virginity is concerned, but we don't know if that's the case here.

trish1

do u not think that maybe sum women arent like that? sum of us would rather just not rush in2 things. it is at the end of the day a matter of personal choice and if u care about sum1 then u should respect that

MagicMarker

trish1 wrote: »

do u not think that maybe sum women arent like that? sum of us would rather just not rush in2 things. it is at the end of the day a matter of personal choice and if u care about sum1 then u should respect that

Some women aren't like what? Is there a name for it?

How long does a woman have to wait before it's too long?

Like i said, i just don't get it... If you're not ready for sex, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Just my opinion.

STUBBORNGIRL

MagicMarker wrote: »

If it was a case of waiting for my girlfriend to go on the pill, then i'd happily (and preferably) wait the few weeks.

However, if i'm officially seeing a girl for a month and there has been no sexual contact (i emphasise contact, not just penetration) and there was no real reason for it, then i would also be frustrated to be honest.

I don't really get the whole ''i'm not ready'' thing. If you're a mature adult and you have entered into a relationship with another adult then tbh there should be no reason to not have sex, that's part of what a relationship is. If you aren't ready for it then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

Of course, things are a little different when virginity is concerned, but we don't know if that's the case here.

I disagree with everything you have said here! you may need to be with a person longer than a month to know you are ready to have sex with them and if not that is your choice- that is called not being ready! sorry but not being ready does not mean you should not be in a relationship! A relationship is not solely based on sex! its based on 2 people enjoying eachothers company and getting to know each other! when both feel comfortable with each other then the sexual relationship begins! there is no time limit on this! you are obviously a very horny guy who feels its his right to get sex straight away and im sorry but that is wrong!!!

And you dont have to be a virgin to respect your body!!!! APE!!!

trish1

a relationship doesnt revolve around sex. ud do well to remember that

MagicMarker

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

I disagree with everything you have said here! you may need to be with a person longer than a month to know you are ready to have sex with them and if not that is your choice- that is called not being ready! sorry but not being ready does not mean you should not be in a relationship! A relationship is not solely based on sex! its based on 2 people enjoying eachothers company and getting to know each other! when both feel comfortable with each other then the sexual relationship begins! there is no time limit on this! you are obviously a very horny guy who feels its his right to get sex straight away and im sorry but that is wrong!!!

And you dont have to be a virgin to respect your body!!!! APE!!!

There's no need to throw your toys out of your pram, i was stating my opinion, if you don't like it then that's your problem.

I don't recall saying relationships are soley based on sex, feel free to quote me on it though. But sex is just as important in a relationship as what you have mentioned.

I am obviously a very horny guy who breaks up with girls after the first week if there has been no sex:rolleyes: Sweeping generalizations aren't really helping your argument here.

Do you think sleeping with someone you're in a relationship with, even if it's within a few days of it being official, is direspectful to your body or something?

trish1 wrote: »

a relationship doesnt revolve around sex. ud do well to remember that

Thank you for this nugget of information, however i fail to see its relevance seeing as no one here suggested such a gastly thing! :eek:

PeakOutput

havnt read all the replies but it sounds like he is being a dick about it

if he says you want to have sex? and yu say your not ready that should be the end of the conversation it shouldnt continue with him saying but i really want to why wont u let me or you having to defend yourself by saying but its only coz im not on the pill in a few weeks ull get it

its a one answer deal and if he puts pressure on you then hes is not a good person


im a guy by the way

PeakOutput

i dont agree with either magic marker or stubborn girl for the record

they both have their points but neither is absolute

trish1

my god. at last! thank u peakoptout. ur a gent. and as for magicmarker,grow up. sum women see it as disrespectful 2 themselves and their bodies 2 just sleep with sum1 after just a couple of days. ware i come from its called throwing urself around and no self respecting woman does it.

MagicMarker

For the record, i would obviously never pressure anyone for sex and have never done so in my life. But there is a limit as to how long to wait and those limits are based on the circumstances of the relationship itself.

Like i said, i don't get how you can't be ready for something like this as an adult, it strikes me as being emotionally and sexually immature. It wouldn't be the lack of sex that would be frustrating to me, but the way of thinking associated with it.

trish1

it strikes me that its people like you who are immature. in more ways than 1. my god if you cant even wait til sum1 feels comfortable enough to sleep with you then how do you expect people to respect you

trish1

sorry peakoutput. spelled your name wrong earlier. gettin sleepy

MagicMarker

trish1 wrote: »

my god. at last! thank u peakoptout. ur a gent. and as for magicmarker,grow up. sum women see it as disrespectful 2 themselves and their bodies 2 just sleep with sum1 after just a couple of days. ware i come from its called throwing urself around and no self respecting woman does it.

I never said after a couple of days! Read what's in front of you before you reply. I said within days of a relationship being official, as in, after a period of dating.

trish1

it doesnt matter how long it is. evry1 has their own comfort zone. i no i hav. and evry1 is different.

MagicMarker

trish1 wrote: »

it strikes me that its people like you who are immature. in more ways than 1. my god if you cant even wait til sum1 feels comfortable enough to sleep with you then how do you expect people to respect you

For the love of god, this is my last post on the matter as you obviously aren't reading them anyway.

trish1 wrote: »

it doesnt matter how long it is. evry1 has their own comfort zone. i no i hav. and evry1 is different.

Like i've said time and time again, if you don't feel ready to have sex then you shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place! Stick to dating for god's sake! Sex is an important aspect, if you're not ready for it then don't make anything official!

And stop with the text talk, you've got a full keyboard in front of you so use it!

Dudess

Sorry but it's only sex - OP if you want to have sex with him (which you say is the case) then why not with a condom? It's nothing to do with "respecting your body" etc, more that you're just denying yourself something you'd like to do. If you were 15 I'd understand your reluctancy but you're a grown woman. Don't let all that crap about girls who don't wait being sluts etc hold you back.

Dudess

trish1 wrote: »

sum women see it as disrespectful 2 themselves and their bodies 2 just sleep with sum1 after just a couple of days. ware i come from its called throwing urself around and no self respecting woman does it.

I presume there'd be no problem with the guys where you come from sleeping with someone after a few days. That view on women is from the Middle Ages. Honestly, it might just be the early stages of a relationship but it's hardly throwing oneself around. Picking up random guys for a booty-call every weekend is throwing oneself around, and even then, it depends on the individual girl as to whether they have respect or not for their bodies.
It's only sex - we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for it. Seriously, I think underage sex isn't always a good thing as people can feel pressurised into it (not in all cases - some teenagers are very mature) but really, when it comes to adults and sex we need to let go of the legacy of the catholic church.

Sherifu

Go for it OP.

PeakOutput

ye dudess speaks the truth

as far as im concerned anyone can have sex whenever they want with whoever they as long as the reason for it is they enjoy sex. you can have a sexless relationship and a reltionship based completely on sex buti dont think any balanced adult will describe that as their ideal

if you dont feel right about it then thats cool there should be no pressure BUT there is a point when someone will not want to wait around forever and that dosnt make him/her a dick either

the trick is finding something that works for both of you, if your not ready and he is and he wont wait as far as im concerned your not right for eachother. if he is ready but is willing to wait as long as is necessary then he could be a keeper but i hope i dont sound too cliche when i say you should reward him when the time comes

if he is not willing to wait get rid, if he is make it worth his while in the lng run

i notice i have given you no real answer to the question but sure what the hell

cjmcork

i think we're starting to miss the point a bit with the debate about what kind of person one is if they get into bed with someone after a short period of time - the crux of the situation is that the OP feels she isn't ready and has told her b/f this, but he's being, quite frankly, a bollix about it - so OP, he's probably not right for you - how about putting it like this to him - 'we'll have sex now, and if I get pregnant, you can rear it'.......he may be a bit happier to wait then.............good luck OP

Kazobel

OP you're right, if he cares about you he should be willing to wait, give into his presure now and sex will become the basis of the relationship and it's not him that has to worry about carrying a child for 9 months. If he wants to bitch about it let him throw his tantrum because all this "I'm a man, I have needs" is a pile of bullsh!t, in cases like that there's 3 words you should learn to use freely..."Have a w&nk"

Wibbs

trish1 no more text speak. It's against the rules around here. For good reason. Read the charter and use your keyboard.

Wibbs

cjmcork wrote: »

i think we're starting to miss the point a bit with the debate about what kind of person one is if they get into bed with someone after a short period of time

I agree. regardless of one's personal philosophy about this, it's the OP's body and she has decided that the period of time is too short for her to be comfortable having sex and that's her choice. I would have thought that the last few decades should have given women more choices than before. Choice means the ability to say no as much as the ability to say yes. Why replace one body tyranny for another?

OP If you feel uncomfortable at this stage then wait until you are comfortable. If your boyfriend doesn't llke that, well that's his choice too and fair enough.

I would suggest you should sit down and chat with him about it and see where that takes you.

TomMc

OP, I'd dump his sorry ass tbh. He seems to be a bit of a dick about the issue. If he is not prepared to wait until you are comfortable with the idea, and is actually pressuring/trying to manipulate you he seems to be basing the relationship mostly on sex. He might just catch you off guard sometime, so you be strong girl and stick to your guns. You are only as strong as your weakest moment. A man who does not wait as long as it takes, is not for you nor you for him.

Couples need to have similar values and most importantly be equals, respecting each others wishes in order for relationships to have a good chance of success. If not they nearly always fail or are mediocre ones at best. Bottom line you don't know someone well after only a month and right-minded people need to feel a deep emotional attachment to someone (built over time) in order to make love to them. Without it, it is mechanical sex usually the favoured pastime of people who have little else going on in their lives (no passions, hobbies or interests) or the type that trade sex in the hope of love because they do not have the personality, character, skillset, patience (self-control) to develop a more meaningful relationship (the right way).

I might come across as old-fashioned to some on the more liberal boardsies but I really don't care. I suspect that if he slept with you soon, you might no longer be a challenge to him and he would soon lose interest and be on his merry way.

AARRRGH

akamossy wrote: »

Age has got nothing to do with it.

Not everything in life is black and white.

An 18 year old will understand waiting for a sexually inexperienced girl until she is ready, whereas a 30 year old may not understand waiting for a sexually experienced girl to be ready.

Age is a factor on how people react to things.

headwrecked08 wrote: »

Thanks for replies. Dublindude - we are both in our early 20s, so it's not a case of older guy putting younger girl under pressure! We are both (I like to think!) responsible adults.

Cool. Well, if he likes you he'll wait. Although he could indeed just be waiting to have sex with you... You'll find out soon enough anyway.

trish1

my apologies. force of habit. and i dont spell so good either

Sherifu

It's your choice trish1, ignore what other people may think.

O/T:

trish1 wrote: »

my apologies. force of habit. and i dont spell so good either

No worries, it's just difficult to read and decrypt.

If you're using the firefox browser it has a spell checker built in afair.

trish1

thank you. guess brains were never my strong point.

kittenkiller

trish1 wrote: »

my god. at last! thank u peakoptout. ur a gent. and as for magicmarker,grow up. sum women see it as disrespectful 2 themselves and their bodies 2 just sleep with sum1 after just a couple of days. ware i come from its called throwing urself around and no self respecting woman does it.

Is that the 1950's?
Yes, everyone, male and female has a right to do or not do what they wish with their body.
Relationships are not solely revolved around sex.
Relationships often provide a stable union in which to enjoy sex.
Sex is fun and no-one should feel ashamed for enjoying it (boundaries of the law permitted).
The OP has to make up her own mind about her situation and seems to be strong enough not to be pushed into something she's not ready for.

Why on earth would a self-respecting woman not enjoy sex with someone she's attracted to after getting to know them over a couple of days?

Will your parish priest or local politican ask you to fill out a form declaring how long you knew your boyfriend or girlfriend before you decided to get intimate?
I don't know much about where you're from (except that they don't seem to big on teaching people how to spell or use grammar correctly), but I know that it's rare for one to be forced to declare how long they knew someone before they slept together.

I think *someone* needs to grow up and ask for a dose of reality off Santy for Christmas.

OP, no one on the internet can tell you whether or not to trust this guy.
Maybe he's just a bit frustrated and needs to be told to go home and sort himself out at the end of the evening, or perhaps you can work on some sort of relief for the pair of you that doesn't involve any risk of pregnancy?
Bide your time if that's what you feel is best for you.
Maybe inform him of the recommendation that you don't start on the pill until the first day of your period and that the wait won't be indefinite and explain that you're actually looking forward to becomming sexually active with him, he may be feeling a little insecure about things as they stand at the moment.

Best of luck and enjoy

trish1

i never said anything about anyone having to declare anything. and as for where i come from, it was a home where we were brought up to respect ourselves and others. you dont know the life ive had. and my spelling and grammer? well lets just say not everyone was blessed with brains to burn. some of us find some things more difficult to achieve than others.

kittenkiller

trish1 wrote: »

i never said anything about anyone having to declare anything. and as for where i come from, it was a home where we were brought up to respect ourselves and others.

If you meet someone you find attractive, hit it off, get to know each other a bit and have sex with them, how is that disrespecting yourself or your partner?

trish1

some people just like to wait. its just a matter of personal choice really

kittenkiller

trish1 wrote: »

some people just like to wait. its just a matter of personal choice really

Totally understandable, I'm not one to jump into bed with people myself (bf'll be glad to see that).
However, what gives you the right to judge them and declare that they lack self-respect and "put it about"?
It's their own business, and as we established before, they do not have to declare it to anyone so it can remain their *private* business and so none of *your* business.
So unless I'm mistaken (it did happen once), you have no right to judge people just because you've had a bad experience or two with people you trusted jumping into bed with each other (from your other posts). We've all had sh*tty things happen, but if two people are attracted to each other and feel it's the right thing to do and aren't hurting anyone why would they wait?
They might even do the dirty deed and have no intention of marrying each other afterwards! It's a crazy world out there.

trish1

i never judged anyone. all i said was i just didnt want other people making the same mistakes i did. in 10 years ive only been with 2 blokes. my kids dads. so it just goes to show no matter how long your with some one things can still turn out a*^e ways. and if their not hurting anyone then its ok to do it when she feels ready. i was only giving an opinion from my experiences. and i did get hurt. a lot. the only point i was trying to make was for her to just take her time and decide for herself when shes ready.

kittenkiller

Ok, totally reasonable, but if that's the case, you should hold off on the...

sum women see it as disrespectful 2 themselves and their bodies 2 just sleep with sum1 after just a couple of days. ware i come from its called throwing urself around and no self respecting woman does it.

... judgement of people who may simply see sex as a form of enjoyment with someone you fancy and not just what you do to have kids.

But this is getting way off topic.
I'll leave it.
Best of luck to you and you kids pet, it's gotta be tough, but you're probably best without.

trish1

to be completely honest yeah it is really tough. and at the start she said she wasnt on the pill or anything so thats what i was trying to get at. both my kids were planned. and i stil ended up like this. guess what i was really tryin to say was that she just needed to have a good think about it and just prepare herself properly

LegacyUser

Well I seem to have sparked quite the debate here

Dudess wrote: »

Sorry but it's only sex - OP if you want to have sex with him (which you say is the case) then why not with a condom? It's nothing to do with "respecting your body" etc, more that you're just denying yourself something you'd like to do. If you were 15 I'd understand your reluctancy but you're a grown woman. Don't let all that crap about girls who don't wait being sluts etc hold you back.

Dudess - I do want to sleep with him, in the not-too-distant future, and of course we'd use condoms...but as I said in my first post, I am pretty cautious and would prefer to be on the pill as well. Cover all bases, as it were

MagicMarker wrote: »

Like i've said time and time again, if you don't feel ready to have sex then you shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place! Stick to dating for god's sake! Sex is an important aspect, if you're not ready for it then don't make anything official!

Without going into detail (!) there has been "sexual contact", as you called it. Your "If you aren't ready for it then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place" point of view baffles me a bit though. Our relationship hasn't quite hit the "serious" stage... I mean, I've been seeing him for a month, a couple of times a week, we're still getting to know each other. Sex for me at least, isn't yet a priority. It's not something I'm willing to do just for the sake of it. And maybe I am "emotionally and sexually immature", by your standards. So what? I don't measure myself against anyone.

PeakOutput wrote: »

you can have a sexless relationship and a reltionship based completely on sex buti dont think any balanced adult will describe that as their ideal

if you dont feel right about it then thats cool there should be no pressure BUT there is a point when someone will not want to wait around forever and that dosnt make him/her a dick either

You make it sound like I've told him I'll never have sex with him. This is not the case at all.

trish1

just do what you feel is right in your own mind. everyone is different and feels differently about certain issues. at the end of the day its your life and only you can decide

LegacyUser

trish1 wrote: »

just do what you feel is right in your own mind. everyone is different and feels differently about certain issues. at the end of the day its your life and only you can decide

I know. Just felt the need for some objective opinions

aine92

Its most definately a case of respect, if he respects you he'll understand that whenever ur ready that you will and until then he'll just have to put up with it!

If he doesnt have the patience to wait until ur ready then honestly honey hes not worth your time!

EVERY woman and man has the right to hold off as long as they please, some girls might feel ok havin sex on the first night other girls value their bodies and prefer to wait. Everybody is different