Polite way to ask guests not to bring their children?

Spocker

Tough one this; I'm getting married in August and the bride-to-be is insistent on not having too many children at the wedding; immediate familys children only.

The invites have already been printed (but not sent) - can anyone suggest a diplomatic way of asking people not to bring their children. I know I can be specific with the names on invites, but if half the guests with children assume they can bring them, I just want people to know.

Is ringing guests the only option? (or waiting for them to call) or should I include something with the invite..?

Malari

I suppose it depends on how many people you've invited who have children, but you could wait till they RSVP and then text or ring them, telling them you're delighted they are coming and that you hope it wasn't too hard for them to get a babysitter for the occasion?

kizzyr

A polite way? To be honest I think if the children weren't mentioned on the invite then it would be incredibly rude of your guests to bring them along to the wedding.
A wedding is an adult day out, there is (generally) a lot of alcohol consumed, the food is (usually) not something most children would like to eat and the entertainment is not based around them. The whole event goes on all day and far into the night, children get grumpy and tired (which is natural) but get to crying a lot, they whine, etc etc and in general upset all those there without children. Also they need to be looked after so the parents don't get to enjoy the day as much as they could otherwise have.

bensoneb

I agree with Kizzyr that it would be very impolite and actually downright rude to bring anyone who isn't listed on the invitation.

However, I have some friends that I was nervous about so when we met them after we got engaged, I asked them if they would have any trouble with babysitters on the day. That got the message across in a subtle way.

If I were you I would touch base with the people by phone and mention the babysitter casually.

kizzyr

bensoneb wrote: »

I agree with Kizzyr that it would be very impolite and actually downright rude to bring anyone who isn't listed on the invitation.

However, I have some friends that I was nervous about so when we met them after we got engaged, I asked them if they would have any trouble with babysitters on the day. That got the message across in a subtle way.

If I were you I would touch base with the people by phone and mention the babysitter casually.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about children and weddings .
Re: making phone calls and touching base to see if the guests have their babysitters organised.........again it shouldn't be the problem of the people who are getting married. If you have children and they aren't mentioned on the invite it should be automatic that you check your dates and book your babysitter. Invites go out in enough time to get something organised re: your childcare and the bride and groom (who have enough other stuff to be getting on with anyway) shouldn't have to worry about getting messages about kids 9or anyone else not on the invite0 across in a subtle way.

DJ_Spider

I went to a wedding last year and the kids were grumpy and I thought jeez they'll be twisty as feck tomorrow! The night ended about 2:30am and they had been up since early morning. I know it's nice to have the little 'uns being bridesmaids etc, but after the service I think they should disappear! Or be seen and not heard!

seamus

kizzyr wrote: »

A polite way? To be honest I think if the children weren't mentioned on the invite then it would be incredibly rude of your guests to bring them along to the wedding.

Problem is that what you put on the invitation and what people assume are very different things. Straw polls on here suggest that if the kids aren't mentioned on the invite, about half of people will assume that they bring them anyway.

My brother got married at the start of May and they'd insisted on having no kids at the reception. Only the bride's niece would be present at the ceremony. The "no kids" thing alone caused a bit of hassle with some people no going at all, and others only sending one member of a couple so the other could stay and look after the kids.
It turned out that one couple had RSVP'd and included their baby's name on the RSVP. The couple's family were too "afraid" to tell them not to bring the baby and in the end when the bride rang them to explain, the flights had been booked, it was too late.
So the child came to the reception, sat in its buggy for five hours and then dragged its parents to bed before the band were even warmed up.

There was a big thread on this here recently enough and I think everyone basically agreed that you shouldn't take anything for granted. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but a good course of action may be to make a list of those with kids and then use their family members (such as their parents) to "make it known" that children aren't invited.

Spocker

Thanks guys, I appreciate the responses.

A quick scan through through the guest list shows 9 couples with 20 children between them. I think the invite route is the way to go and I'll put out the word with other members of the family to pass on the good word if they are asked, rather than waiting for the RSVPs to come back with childrens names on the (that would imply the plans had already been made by the parents)

professorpete

Yep I totally agree with seamus there, you don't want to assume everyone will do what you want and then find on the day that half the people have respected your wishes and the other, more annoying half haven't; it's all well and good knowing what people should do but you really want to make sure it happens, especially OP if your missus-to-be is the one who wants it this way!

not married myself but my future wife has mentioned she wouldn't like snotty-nosed brats (as she so lovingly put it!!) running around annoying everyone and generally getting in the way, at which I was horrified, but on reflection, for the reasons already set out above, I must say I agree, fair enough immediate family's kids only - but beware- people will get bees in their bonnets about it, so again, seamus' advice on making it known by way of parents or mutual friends, as well as asking them directly about getting babysitters.

OP it's your day and it's your (plural) decision, so don't be afraid to make it clear to people that this is the way it is, (you don't have to be nasty but do make it clear) and in all honesty, if people don't like it they can stay at home with the kids!

kizzyr

seamus wrote: »

Problem is that what you put on the invitation and what people assume are very different things. Straw polls on here suggest that if the kids aren't mentioned on the invite, about half of people will assume that they bring them anyway.

My brother got married at the start of May and they'd insisted on having no kids at the reception. Only the bride's niece would be present at the ceremony. The "no kids" thing alone caused a bit of hassle with some people no going at all, and others only sending one member of a couple so the other could stay and look after the kids.
It turned out that one couple had RSVP'd and included their baby's name on the RSVP. The couple's family were too "afraid" to tell them not to bring the baby and in the end when the bride rang them to explain, the flights had been booked, it was too late.
So the child came to the reception, sat in its buggy for five hours and then dragged its parents to bed before the band were even warmed up.

There was a big thread on this here recently enough and I think everyone basically agreed that you shouldn't take anything for granted. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but a good course of action may be to make a list of those with kids and then use their family members (such as their parents) to "make it known" that children aren't invited.

I remember that thread, I was equally anti-kids at weddings then too! Leaving the issue of children to one side for the moment, I think its downright rude to bring anyone not named on the invite to the wedding. This additional person doesn't have to be a child but could be a friend from abroad who just happened to be home for the weekend of the wedding. There you are stuck between wanting to go to the wedding and spend time with your friend so you decide to just bring the friend along too without asking. Its still another mouth to feed but less hassle really because adults can take care of themselves.

If the invite says "Joe and Josephine are pleased to invite John and Mary and children to their wedding on ............" then the kids are invited. If on the other hand the invite says " Joe and Josephine are pleased to invite John and Mary to their wedding on .........." its just the two adults no ankle biters asked along.
I really think those that get irked at their children not being invited really need to get over themselves. You love your kids, you find your kids adorable and interesting etc etc etc. Other people rarely do.

kizzyr

professorpete wrote: »

Yep I totally agree with seamus there, you don't want to assume everyone will do what you want and then find on the day that half the people have respected your wishes and the other, more annoying half haven't; it's all well and good knowing what people should do but you really want to make sure it happens, especially OP if your missus-to-be is the one who wants it this way!

not married myself but my future wife has mentioned she wouldn't like snotty-nosed brats (as she so lovingly put it!!) running around annoying everyone and generally getting in the way, at which I was horrified, but on reflection, for the reasons already set out above, I must say I agree, fair enough immediate family's kids only - but beware- people will get bees in their bonnets about it, so again, seamus' advice on making it known by way of parents or mutual friends, as well as asking them directly about getting babysitters.

OP it's your day and it's your (plural) decision, so don't be afraid to make it clear to people that this is the way it is, (you don't have to be nasty but do make it clear) and in all honesty, if people don't like it they can stay at home with the kids!

How dare they get annoyed about it? Children are more mouths to feed and push the cost of the wedding up and contribute nothing positive to the day (IMO of course). I agree with your future wife , no kids anywhere.

kizzyr

Spocker wrote: »

Thanks guys, I appreciate the responses.

A quick scan through through the guest list shows 9 couples with 20 children between them. I think the invite route is the way to go and I'll put out the word with other members of the family to pass on the good word if they are asked, rather than waiting for the RSVPs to come back with childrens names on the (that would imply the plans had already been made by the parents)

Plans.........assumptions more like

seamus

kizzyr wrote: »

I think its downright rude to bring anyone not named on the invite to the wedding.

This much is true, but as the person getting married, you don't have any direct control over what your guests do unless you specifically tell them what to do.
Regional and cultural variances are common too. People from more parochial or religious backgrounds may see children at the wedding as the norm - in small towns where half the town is invited to a hooley at the local barn for a wedding, not bringing your kids may be seen as odd.
Other countries may also have very different ideas on having children at weddings.

So you just have no idea what kind of background your guests are coming from. To some people, it's not rude at all to assume that your kids are going. In their mind it's a wedding, so of course you bring your kids.

kizzyr

seamus wrote: »

This much is true, but as the person getting married, you don't have any direct control over what your guests do unless you specifically tell them what to do.
Regional and cultural variances are common too. People from more parochial or religious backgrounds may see children at the wedding as the norm - in small towns where half the town is invited to a hooley at the local barn for a wedding, not bringing your kids may be seen as odd.
Other countries may also have very different ideas on having children at weddings.

So you just have no idea what kind of background your guests are coming from. To some people, it's not rude at all to assume that your kids are going. In their mind it's a wedding, so of course you bring your kids.

I think it you're hosting a party (any party not necessarily a wedding) and paying a lot for it you do have the right to exert some level of control over the event. You are entitled to limit numbers as the more you have the more it costs. One widely accepted way to limit the numbers is to issue invites to those you want at the event. You name those you want at the event on the invite. If a name isn't on it the person isn't invited.
I realise that weddings are different all across the country and some people love nothing more than a big free for all, who wants to come, let them affair and that is their choice. But the OP doesn't seem to be one of those people.
Also I can't for a second understand why someone would want their day out at a wedding ruined by brining their children along with them. If you do, the day becomes about them not you spending time with your friends that just got married and all of the other people at the wedding too.

Curvy Vixen

We put a note on the sheet included with the invite that had hotel/church directions etc on it that said something along the lines of:

As the venue is quite 'intimate' spacewise we have sadly decided not to include children on our invite list. We know that you will understand our position and can't wait to see you on the day xx

We also had the maid of honour, best man and parents briefed that kiddies weren't welcome in case they were asked.

We still had two couples from my job bring their children :rolleyes: without telling us (much searching for high chairs and shuffling of seats ensued!) but never heard a bad thing about not inviting little ones.

kizzyr

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

We put a note on the sheet included with the invite that had hotel/church directions etc on it that said something along the lines of:

As the venue is quite 'intimate' spacewise we have sadly decided not to include children on our invite list. We know that you will understand our position and can't wait to see you on the day xx

We also had the maid of honour, best man and parents briefed that kiddies weren't welcome in case they were asked.

We still had two couples from my job bring their children :rolleyes: without telling us (much searching for high chairs and shuffling of seats ensued!) but never heard a bad thing about not inviting little ones.

Bloody cheek of them! You should have made both couples sit at a tiny table for children with their little darlings.....just to teach them a lesson.

Duckjob

Hire a bouncer to ID any kids at the door.

Seriously, some people are thick as **** when it comes to their little darlings. Any friends of mine with kids would be glad of a "day off" where they could cut loose and let their hair down in adult company.

Spocker

seamus wrote: »

Problem is that what you put on the invitation and what people assume are very different things. Straw polls on here suggest that if the kids aren't mentioned on the invite, about half of people will assume that they bring them anyway.

I agree, better to spell it out (as subtly as possible) rather than hoping for the best

seamus wrote: »

There was a big thread on this here recently enough and I think everyone basically agreed that you shouldn't take anything for granted

I don't suppose you have a link handy; I did a good bit of searching but didn't find that thread.....

kizzyr

Spocker wrote: »

I agree, better to spell it out (as subtly as possible) rather than hoping for the best




I don't suppose you have a link handy; I did a good bit of searching but didn't find that thread.....

The thread was actually in Personal Issues AFAIK, I'll search for it for you.
I think if you go for a note like Curvy Vixen did with a note at the bottom that says: NO KIDS

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055276409&highlight=RedPunto

DeeColl

Spocker
If you go to www.weddingsonline.ie and click into Discussions-Let off steam-"We dont want your bloody kid, why cant you understand that!" you'll read some horror stories including one I just posted (as DCee).