My ex's best friend...also my best friends ex!...help and advice needed please!

lifelonglufc

Ok so to begin i better go right back to the start...

I started going out with this girl around last august, and it turned out to be pretty amazing, i never found myself falling for a girl like i did. But after 8 months it just seemed to fizzle out and we broke up, in the end on bad terms as i didnt really take it well!

Just before we broke up one of best friends started going out with one of her best friends, so we were kinda doing all these double dates and that, but their relationship was short and ended about two months after mine had, as they were more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend.

Now the thing is I have become very close to the girl my friend was going out with and we have strong feelings for each other too! Even though we both said it was so wrong because of the past and our friends we still kissed one night, we just couldnt help it! We agreed that it can never happen again and no-one would know about it. But only this week we were talking about it again and still have strong feelings for each other and we want to get together, not really a serious thing but we want to be more than friends. But because of past relationships we can't!

Basically she's my ex's best friend and my best friends ex! Nobody knows anything about this!
Is there anything we can do? Were trying to just forget about it and let our feelings pass but It's killing us that we cant just get together especially when we both want to and theres strong feelings for each other!

Please give advice or ask more or anything at all! Frustration!!!:(

...sorry bout long post, thought it might help if i explain all first! Thanks!

Catari Jaguar

Secrets never work out... Misleading people is worse than anything you could have possibly told them.

You ended on bad terms with your ex? So she probably has no feelings towards you. She dumped you right?

I reckon if you think that this new relationship could really work you should tell them. It's not their business anymore. You should all be over each other, and not carrying baggage or resentment. It's not like you're property.

I say, follow your heart, you only live once and if they can't be happy for you, that's their problem.

lifelonglufc

Ya it ended on really bad terms, she dumped me, but hates me now! And for no apparent reasons really! If she found out that her best friend has been and what to be with me, she would probably never talk to her again and I don't want that to happen because they've been best friends for so long.

Im over that past relationship but if my ex feels such resentment then i dunno if she is? I dunno why she still holds such a hatred against me!

It's just so confusing and frustrating...I want it to happen and be with the girl i want to be but i dont want to be the cause of two close friends separating.

July

OP, what an unfavourable position to find yourself in. You really can't choose who you like can you?

You've lost your ex but if you get with this other girl openly, you may lose your best friend too. It's not just the two girls' friendship that's in jeopardy, it's your friendship with your best friend. Or is it? How do you think your best friend would take it?

lifelonglufc

Youve hit the nail on the head there, its such an awkward position!

See im ok bout losing my ex, im over that, buts its what could happen if i get with this other girl openly is what im afraid of and its preventing it from happening!

As for my friend, i honestly dont think he would care too much about it because after breaking up with this girl he seemed happier it was over, than when he was with her! He seemed relieved!
But still id find it hard to say it to him or even explain that i have strong feelings for his ex and she has them for me too! He might not take it well at all. It's pretty hard to know.

July

lifelonglufc wrote: »

Even though we both said it was so wrong because of the past and our friends we still kissed one night, we just couldnt help it!

Do you think the attraction could be due to the fact that it is 'wrong' or does it feel like it could be a bit special?

lifelonglufc

Well she admitted to me she has felt attracted to me and really liked me for a long time, even when i was with her best friend (my ex).

I think the fact that it was so risky and wrong to hook up might have had added another element to it, but only on top of the attraction that was already there.

I do think think this could be something good between us.

July

Ok, well how I see it is that you're not worried about your ex due to how it ended so that's fine. If you think your mate would be ok with you seeing this girl, that's fine too.

As regards the girls' friendship, well, that's really between them both and if the 'new' girl is willing to see how things go with you, I'd say go for it!

lifelonglufc

Ya thanks july!

I have the feeling the "new" girl wont be so inclined to do anything unless its completely ok with her friend(my ex), which is highly unlikely!

Ugh

MagicMarker

Sounds like lust more than anything...

You want to get together, but nothing ''serious''.. Well, tbh if you're not looking for anything serious then why jeopardise the friendship between you and your friend as well as your ex and her friend?

But if you must, then ask your friend first. Bro's before ho's n all.

RedXIV

MagicMarker wrote: »

Sounds like lust more than anything...

You want to get together, but nothing ''serious''.. Well, tbh if you're not looking for anything serious then why jeopardise the friendship between you and your friend as well as your ex and her friend?

But if you must, then ask your friend first. Bro's before ho's n all.

+1,

Lets be selfish here OP, get your mate on your side. as you said, he probably won't mind too much, he was happier after breakup. If you get one out of the way, you'll feel better already.

As for your ex. I've only ever had one REALLY not like me after breakup, i don't know why, i didn't end it, i didn't think i did anything wrong. And what makes matters worse is all her friends still like me. And i can tell you in a heartbeat that if i thought there was something between me and one of them, i'd go for it. Mainly because i thought my ex was pretty unfair on me.

The girls might have a harder time "giving permission" for want of a better term. And in the end, this is not your fight. Tell the girl you sorted it with your mate, and you are willing to give it a go, if she wants to do the same, you'll ready.

best of luck

Red

molloyjh

To be honest the solution isn't too complicated. You have a chat with your mate (if I were him I'd be cool about it because he wasn't that serious about her anyway) and she should have a chat with your ex. It may also be a good idea to find out (through the new girl) why your ex hates you now first (there may not be a solid reason, some people just hate their ex's for the sake of it!).

If I were you and my best mate wasn't happy with the thought of it then I'd walk away from her. Relationships fail more than they succeed (I'm in a solid one now but had to go through several to get here) but your best mate will generally remain as such for most of (if not all) your life. No girl is worth losing a close friend over, unless the mate turns out to be an unreasonable selfish f-er!

lifelonglufc

RedXIV wrote: »

As for your ex. I've only ever had one REALLY not like me after breakup, i don't know why, i didn't end it, i didn't think i did anything wrong. And what makes matters worse is all her friends still like me. And i can tell you in a heartbeat that if i thought there was something between me and one of them, i'd go for it. Mainly because i thought my ex was pretty unfair on me.

Red

That right there is EXACTLY the way things are for me!

I think im gonna say it to this girl that i want to have a chat with my friend and see what he says, if he seems ok with it then great, hopefully she could talk to my ex and see if theres any possibility. But ya I think its definitly much harder for girls to give the go ahead for something like that to happen!

dudara

Talk to your respective friends and tell them you are attracted to each other and would like to try and give a relationship a go. But out of friendship and decency, you want to tell them first.

Honesty is often the best policy.

CamillaRhodes

The problematic bit here seems to be between the girls, because (a) (generalising) guys might be a bit cooler about this sort of thing, and (b) the timeframes and perspectives are different. You're asking your male buddy if it's ok to date the girl he was only seeing for 2 months. No big deal really, he wasn't that into her anyway. Whereas she (the new object of your affection) has to ask her female buddy (your ex) if it's ok to date the guy she went out with for 8 months, was pretty serious about and is still clearly quite cut up about.

I reckon you'd be ok with your buddy, but the girls' friendship might not survive this. Not that it's your problem, but something you should be aware of.

tbh

Do you mind if i ask how old you are? If you are under 20 Don't worry, you're not a bad person. You're just doing what a lot of 16-20 year olds do, which is basically shift relentlessly through their group of friends. It's all part of finding out about the world, and the drama is a nice bonus

If you're between 20 and 26 or so, the same applies, just replace shift with shag.


either way, don't lie or hide it from your friends, but don't be overly apologetic either.

ps if you are over 26 and you're still worried about what other people think, I can't help you.

Aurora Borealis

dudara wrote: »

Talk to your respective friends and tell them you are attracted to each other and would like to try and give a relationship a go. But out of friendship and decency, you want to tell them first.

Honesty is often the best policy.

+1

Whether you think it's going to hurt them or not.

lifelonglufc

-I'm 19 btw...but its safe to place me into that 20-26 category!

Thank You all so much for help and advice, its really helps to get other peoples perspective on this.:)

The more I think about this I think the more Im realising it's probably just the wrong thing to do. While I would like to get with this new girl, I do think its only going to cause problems.
My reason for thinking this is that I know that my ex-girlfriend would not only disapprove of it but it would probably be the end of their friendship if it was to happen.
They have been so close for so long, I dont want to come between them, especially as my ex already holds such resentment towards me.

And in the end I think its gonna have to be a case of...
"Sistas before mistas!...Bros before hoes!"

It sucks as I really like the girl but it is probably best for all in the end and a much more mature decision to make!

Time to let it go and move along...

lifelonglufc

Forgot to mention that what happened before with this girl...our kissing one night...is going to remain between us!

Just so no-one gets hurt!

Dishonest and hiding i know but best for everybody i think so.

davyjose

Don't sacrifice your own happiness for something that went on in the past. Your ex doesn't own you, and nor does your mate own his ex. They gave up any rights to those people when the relationship ended.
It might now be that simple in reality, but who's happiness is more important, yours or theirs.

I had a brief fling with a mate's ex, AFTER he had told me he had no interest in getting back with her. Fair game, I thought. But he wasn't happy, and I felt guilty for ages. But I'm a lot older now, and I can safely say that was a bullsh!t attitude from him, and from me. I did nothing wrong, and either are you or that girl you like.

davyjose

lifelonglufc wrote: »

-And in the end I think its gonna have to be a case of...
"Sistas before mistas!...Bros before hoes!"

It sucks as I really like the girl but it is probably best for all in the end and a much more mature decision to make!

Anyone who believes those soundbytes above, is not mature. Anyone who would throw away a friendship over what ... their buddy trying to find happiness with someone you like, is not mature.

Don't confuse maturity with taking the cowardly option.

I'm really disappointed you've chickened out of this tbh. There's a lot of people on here who are quite lonely right now, and wouldn't let this pass them by. Ok, maybe age is a consideration, maybe it won't be a "real" relationship and isn't worth the risk. But I hope you don't always wonder "what if?"

lifelonglufc

Thanks again for youre replies and i take your points but tbh this was not a case of chickening out of anything and being cowardly.

I know my ex and her ex don't have any rights to us, but i feel i have respect for them.

I don't think by making this decision im sacrificing my own happiness because with a large circle of friends involved, I would not be happy if they were to throw away my friendship because I decided to get with this girl.

I mean I think it would have been good and i would have been happy with this girl but who's to know? It could have turned out that we just werent right for each other or that it wouldnt work.

So if that was the case it would mean losing long-time friends and the girl! The way thing stand, I've got my close friends, I'm friends with this girl, and the only person with a problem is my ex/gf to which I dont give a dam! So while not the perfect situation, all is well!

At 19 i don't feel I should be wondering about "what if?" or that in a few years time i would look back and think the same...I'm young and going to enjoy the time while I have it, i certainly don't look at girls at the minute and think..."wow, i want to be in a long term-serious relationship and marry her!" (rationally speaking!).

I like to think that im not confusing maturity with the cowardly option, cos tbh I'm not a coward, if I decided to do this the other way I would have went 100% into it, and go for it!

All great help and advice tho!

minidazzler

Basically these are the words you need,

"Bud, Do you mind if I ask out yer one that you were scorin with a few months back, you know <name of Girl>?"

If he says yes good for you, if he says no then no harm done!!!

You don't have to worry about your ex. However remember females tend to have a longer lasting jealous streak!!!