feel f****d up

uiovaiwr

When i was younger i was bullied through my teenage years. This was undoubtly the worst time of my life. i never attempted suicide but i was very suicidal and came close to it at 15. i never told my parents at the time as a) they would be usually arguing and b) i was afraid of breaking down.i tried to drop hints but the werent picked up on. i would live in a dream world and write letters to myself to try and cheer myself up. As time went on the bullying stopped but i never opened up and told anyone until years later. However i am now in my my 30's and i regret not doing anything at the time. i am a very unassertive person, indecisive, find it hard to make conversation, clingy, shy, have never had a girfriend, have never had a job, procrastinate, i get in paranoid because i think people are talking about me, take everything to heart, suffer from depression, feel very influenced by other opinions. i also constantly read books, watch tv, use the internet etc as some form of escape. the wierdest thing is i still feel feel emotionally as a teenager as if i have never really grown up. also i am not sure but i think i am cracking up. what can i do?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

uiovaiwr wrote: »

When i was younger i was bullied through my teenage years. This was undoubtly the worst time of my life. i never attempted suicide but i was very suicidal and came close to it at 15. i never told my parents at the time as a) they would be usually arguing and b) i was afraid of breaking down.i tried to drop hints but the werent picked up on. i would live in a dream world and write letters to myself to try and cheer myself up. As time went on the bullying stopped but i never opened up and told anyone until years later. However i am now in my my 30's and i regret not doing anything at the time. i am a very unassertive person, indecisive, find it hard to make conversation, clingy, shy, have never had a girfriend, have never had a job, procrastinate, i get in paranoid because i think people are talking about me, take everything to heart, suffer from depression, feel very influenced by other opinions. i also constantly read books, watch tv, use the internet etc as some form of escape. the wierdest thing is i still feel feel emotionally as a teenager as if i have never really grown up. also i am not sure but i think i am cracking up. what can i do?

Been through something similar myself and the last line about not (emortionally) growing up kind of hit the nail on the head.

What worked for me was simply getting a job. From there I was kind of 'forced' to confront people, found them not to be as scary as I thought and relaxed a bit. Went to a social, met some more people and eventually a girlfriend.

It's tricky, I know, taking the first step, but the first step IS the easiest [EDIT - meant to say hardest]. You just have to keep telling yourself that people aren't as scary as you think they are.

Hope that helps in some way...

P.

Susannahmia

uiovaiwr wrote: »

When i was younger i was bullied through my teenage years. This was undoubtly the worst time of my life. i never attempted suicide but i was very suicidal and came close to it at 15. i never told my parents at the time as a) they would be usually arguing and b) i was afraid of breaking down.i tried to drop hints but the werent picked up on. i would live in a dream world and write letters to myself to try and cheer myself up. As time went on the bullying stopped but i never opened up and told anyone until years later. However i am now in my my 30's and i regret not doing anything at the time. i am a very unassertive person, indecisive, find it hard to make conversation, clingy, shy, have never had a girfriend, have never had a job, procrastinate, i get in paranoid because i think people are talking about me, take everything to heart, suffer from depression, feel very influenced by other opinions. i also constantly read books, watch tv, use the internet etc as some form of escape. the wierdest thing is i still feel feel emotionally as a teenager as if i have never really grown up. also i am not sure but i think i am cracking up. what can i do?

Op I would strongly suggest counseling, it could really help you to work through your issues and to help to see yourself differently and gain confidence. Make sure that you go to an accredited one though and get referred by your GP, there are a lot of badly qualified ones out there. Anyone I know that has went through it has said that it is one of the best things that they have done, whatever the issue.

The Werewolf

OP,

I have to agree with IkkyPoo2. I can't say that I got bullied much during my early teens but I did become a 'hermit' after I left school. Didn't get into college, spent my days in bed and my nights on the mega-drive(showing my age there). I became very listless and unsocial in that I had very few friends who in turn had very few friends for various reasons. 3pm was my wakeup time and I didn't go anywhere but to the social services office to collect the welfare. I weighed (well never mind that. Suffice it to say I was a 44 waist) a lot more than I do now and I think the fact that I ended up in a physically demanding job eventually helped me to keep the weight off once I got it down. Assertiveness was a concept which was quite alien to me at that time and when I got my first job at age 24, I didn't fit in at all. It was a low paid and rather dirty job which to be honest, I hated because although I started at the bottom of the food chain there, newbies would be given easier jobs than me and I was left in the crappy job.

To cut a long story short, I retreated back to my old self until again I was itching for employment. I spent the latter half of the next year looking for work and being turned down, which I have to say, played the very deuce with my self esteem (or lack thereof). Finally near Christmas'98, I got a call from a friend to say there were jobs going at (say) ABC Ltd. I went to the walk-in interviews and behold, I had a job. It was a small production plant which was easy enough for me to fit into. I soon made friends and as time went by, my confidence and self esteem grew more and more. It was always a pleasure for me to hear that certain line-leaders or supervisors were asking for me to be on their line or shift because they found me easy to get along with. I even got a promotion years later without applying. General manager called me in one day and offered it to me. It was more of a challenge than a promotion to begin with and it had a lot of responsibility.

My point is, that the first step for you to take is to believe in yourself because it's up to you to convince others to believe in you. And I believe that a new job, or even a training course to start off if you wish to gain some new skills first, will help you no end. As well as that, most companies have very strict 'bullying and harassment' regulations in place now so once the first step is taken, you should have no trouble making friends with a few colleagues.

I hope my story is of some help to you and I wish you all the best.

The Werewolf

OP,

I have to agree with IkkyPoo2. I can't say that I got bullied much during my early teens but I did become a 'hermit' after I left school. Didn't get into college, spent my days in bed and my nights on the mega-drive(showing my age there). I became very listless and unsocial in that I had very few friends who in turn had very few friends for various reasons. 3pm was my wakeup time and I didn't go anywhere but to the social services office to collect the welfare. I weighed (well never mind that. Suffice it to say I was a 44 waist) a lot more than I do now and I think the fact that I ended up in a physically demanding job eventually helped me to keep the weight off once I got it down. Assertiveness was a concept which was quite alien to me at that time and when I got my first job at age 24, I didn't fit in at all. It was a low paid and rather dirty job which to be honest, I hated because although I started at the bottom of the food chain there, newbies would be given easier jobs than me and I was left in the crappy job.

To cut a long story short, I retreated back to my old self until again I was itching for employment. I spent the latter half of the next year looking for work and being turned down, which I have to say, played the very deuce with my self esteem (or lack thereof). Finally near Christmas'98, I got a call from a friend to say there were jobs going at (say) ABC Ltd. I went to the walk-in interviews and behold, I had a job. It was a small production plant which was easy enough for me to fit into. I soon made friends and as time went by, my confidence and self esteem grew more and more. It was always a pleasure for me to hear that certain line-leaders or supervisors were asking for me to be on their line or shift because they found me easy to get along with. I even got a promotion years later without applying. General manager called me in one day and offered it to me. It was more of a challenge than a promotion to begin with and it had a lot of responsibility.

My point is, that the first step for you to take is to believe in yourself because it's up to you to convince others to believe in you. And I believe that a new job, or even a training course to start off if you wish to gain some new skills first, will help you no end.

I hope my story is of some help to you and I wish you all the best.

RedXIV

Hey OP,

Just so ya know, i was bullied alot in school and take it from someone that decided to be assertive and fight back, i got my fair share of scars from it. Now while being bullied was a driving force for me in some of my life goals, and made me determined not to get bullied again, i still can't emphasie enough the importance of going out and there and making the most of your life. Someone suggested councilling which might be an option or even look for a life coach which could be an option.

People DO bounce back OP, first step is with you, but once you make that first step you'll be suprised how many different sources of help there are out there for you

Best of Luck

Red

uiovaiwr

altough i left school at an early age and didnt go out for a long time since then i have done loads of courses and college and met people but the problems seem to be in my head. things annoy me that other people dont think twice about. i think people are talking about me behing my back or laughing at me.
The problem is it i think it might too late and it might be too ingrained. i have been to counselling but didnt tell them as much as i said here. i keep wishing i had done something when i was younger.i feel angry at my parents for not noticing i had so many problemsor trying to help. i seem to living my whole life in my head

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

uiovaiwr wrote: »

altough i left school at an early age and didnt go out for a long time since then i have done loads of courses and college and met people but the problems seem to be in my head. things annoy me that other people dont think twice about. i think people are talking about me behing my back or laughing at me.
The problem is it i think it might too late and it might be too ingrained. i have been to counselling but didnt tell them as much as i said here. i keep wishing i had done something when i was younger.i feel angry at my parents for not noticing i had so many problemsor trying to help. i seem to living my whole life in my head

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. You need to reaffirm they way you think. Force yourself to think positvely about people and every time you find yourswelf having paraoid thoughts, stop: think: No, I do not want to feel that way and it's not true. Then replace it with a positve thought and get out there.

Sounds a bit hippyish, I know, but it really is the only way.

RedXIV

uiovaiwr wrote: »

altough i left school at an early age and didnt go out for a long time since then i have done loads of courses and college and met people but the problems seem to be in my head. things annoy me that other people dont think twice about. i think people are talking about me behing my back or laughing at me.
The problem is it i think it might too late and it might be too ingrained. i have been to counselling but didnt tell them as much as i said here. i keep wishing i had done something when i was younger.i feel angry at my parents for not noticing i had so many problemsor trying to help. i seem to living my whole life in my head

A counciller can't help if you don't tell them your problems and your parents are only human, not psychic, you need to TALK about these problems and learn to realise that other people will help if they can. If someone approached me and told me they had a problem, i'd try and help, its human nature. You'd be suprised how many people you know would probably do the same for you

Overheal

I got bullied in school too but it was right around the age of 15/16 I decided to stand up to it. I never did get into a fight but there are other ways.

What helped me out a lot I think was getting a copy out and I just started writing before bed whenever I was feeling like crap. Not about anything specific, but just writing. Sometimes drawing; I came up with some out of character art back then its just a great way to vent, and then you just feel so much fresher in the morning because youve gotten a care free night of sleep.

Its no alternative to counselling's effectiveness; but it is a start.

LegacyUser

this might be useful reading - llok at the reviews

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Behavioural-Techniques/dp/1854877038

oil painting

uiovaiwr wrote: »

When i was younger i was bullied through my teenage years. This was undoubtly the worst time of my life. i never attempted suicide but i was very suicidal and came close to it at 15. i never told my parents at the time as a) they would be usually arguing and b) i was afraid of breaking down.i tried to drop hints but the werent picked up on. i would live in a dream world and write letters to myself to try and cheer myself up. As time went on the bullying stopped but i never opened up and told anyone until years later. However i am now in my my 30's and i regret not doing anything at the time. i am a very unassertive person, indecisive, find it hard to make conversation, clingy, shy, have never had a girfriend, have never had a job, procrastinate, i get in paranoid because i think people are talking about me, take everything to heart, suffer from depression, feel very influenced by other opinions. i also constantly read books, watch tv, use the internet etc as some form of escape. the wierdest thing is i still feel feel emotionally as a teenager as if i have never really grown up. also i am not sure but i think i am cracking up. what can i do?

aww well done for expressing yourself so well... you seem to have a great sense of self awareness-honestly alot of peoplewould turn to drink and block out their reality but you seem to very in tune with yourself...

i have alot of personal experience with a very bad childhood at home and a lot of bullying... but i am now healed and free from depression and this is how i did it...

you said in your post that your parents were quite neglectful toward you by ignoring you and too busy fighting...

you have been left vunerable from being neglected and then became easy prey for bullies because you grew up shy...

if you can continue to knit together the reasons why your past has had an impact on you -you will get some understanding on it and will be able to release it ..

i had terrible emotional scars left on me from bulliess and i found it very hard to let these bullies go from my mind but i was determined not to allow myself to then torture myself further... you have to go back and re visit the traumatic events in your life so you can move on-therapy is very good for this but you might be too shy straight away...

get some great books which will help you get some understanding... 'toxic parents' by susan forward is a great book,it goes through all the situations that are very easy to relate to and it gives very good real life examples of toxic behaviour and the scars it leaves behind(you can get it in easons on o connell st)...at the back of the book there is a confrontation section,its very powerful -espicially if youve been bullied...you can write a letter out with everything you want to say -you dont have to mail it but you need to get in touch with your anger and release it out of you-depression is just anger turned in... get educated on depression and dont believe in the perception society has on it,that it just happens???there is always a reason why someone is depressed,dont let it control you-start to control it...

it is now time to re claim your life.....