I need Help

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I just wondered could anyone advice me what to do? I'm on the verge of losing someone that I love. I have messed up in the past. I have drug addiction problems that are under control for a year and even though these problems are under control I still seam to f**k up everything in my life, i have been unfaithful to my partner of 3 years. I do not understand what reason I have done this as I love my partner and do not love the other person concerned.

Can anyone advice me of what to do next? I have ended the other relationship and come clean to my partner. What are the next steps? I love my partner so why did I carry this horrible selfish act? I do not think I am a bad person, I just seam to do some horrible things. Can anyone give me some advice, because I do not want to hurt anyone else,

Thank you

biko

These questions are not easily answered on a forum like this. If you don't know yourself there isn't much we (well, me) can do.
Have you tried a therapist? It seems you are aware what is wrong but you will probably need professional help to change your destructive ways.
Listen to your partner and take her lead. She is your significant other and you should do whatever possible to not loose her, or her trust, again.

RedXIV

Hey OP,

Not here to judge, so if ya get offended at anything, it's usually only me making a point.
Lets be honest, a drug problem and cheating on your partner are not small things. Now while you have seemed to have gotten your drug problem under control, cheating on your other half is still a very serious situation.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes, would you like to have been cheated on? after spending so much time already supporting someone overcome a drug problem? Thats a VERY severe blow to a relationship.

I don't like saying it but i can't see this relationship lasting. If they are willing to try again, you will be required to put in huge effort just to keep things ticking over. and not only that, every time there's an argument, these past indescessions may well be brought up.

You have inflicted serious scars on this relationship, I don't know if they can heal. Sorry OP

LegacyUser

thanks for the quick reply,

I do think that i need professional help. and my partner is one of the best people I know she is the complete opposite to me in every respect. I do not know the reasons for my infidelity, i can only asume that it is some kind of emotional defect. i do not know the first thing about therapists but am willing to do anything to change my ways. the best thing for my partner in the long run is probably let me go in the long run. I know I've been nothing but set back after set back to her, i know she loves me and I do love her, she's great, but perhaps she needs to leave for her own sake.

How would I go about finding a therapist in the Dublin area? If I could take everything back I would, I want her ( my partner ) to be the mother of my children, she deserves only the best. when things were good they were really good and she fits my personality perfectly, what have I done? I'm proper f***ked. I just dont know what to do with myself, am I an evil person? I fear that I moght be, I'm very sorry for rambling on but my mind is all over the place, I don't know what to think, I hope my partner is ok.

thanks for all the advice guys

Captain Ginger

Well, it's hard to say but look at it this way, if you really love her you well think of something, I suggest you sit her down and tell her how much you care.

The fact you came clean about cheating on her shows you do respect her enough to be honest, despite the fact you jeered that respect by cheating on her in the first place.

3 years is a long time, you might want to ask yourself if this is the woman you want to marry.

LegacyUser

Captain Ginger wrote: »

Well, it's hard to say but look at it this way, if you really love her you well think of something, I suggest you sit her down and tell her how much you care.

The fact you came clean about cheating on her shows you do respect her enough to be honest, despite the fact you jeered that respect by cheating on her in the first place.

3 years is a long time, you might want to ask yourself if this is the woman you want to marry.

yes, she is without a doubt the woman I want to marry. i want to be the best person that I can be for her. She is my soulmate, I just cant believe how badly I've messed things up. Is there anyone who has been on the recieving end of something like this maybe so I could put myself in my partners shoes for once

Gumbyman

Tell us about the cheat. Was it a drunken mistake, or a carefully planned affair? Was it once off or multiple occurances with this other person? How soon afterwards did you tell your signif other? Did he/she suspect or did you volunteer it out of the blue?

LegacyUser

Gumbyman wrote: »

Tell us about the cheat. Was it a drunken mistake, or a carefully planned affair? Was it once off or multiple occurances with this other person? How soon afterwards did you tell your signif other? Did he/she suspect or did you volunteer it out of the blue?

It was a carefully orchestrated affair I'm afraid to say, it lasted about 3-4 months. I didn't tell my partner untill she had strong suspicions. It was a very selfish thing to do and I really feel so sorry for it

Trinity

Maybe you feel you dont deserver her, so you hit the self destruct button.

It was probably even more planned then you think. What did you think would happen if you had an affair? Got caught? DO you have low self-esteem?

I guess you could go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor in your area.

CathyMoran

Relation can survive infidelity and even become stronger but it is not easy and you will have to understand if she does not trust you for a while but even that can be overcome. You will both need to learn to communicate better, that means really listening as well as talking. I think that most people cheat because there is either something wrong with themselves (I mean that they are unhappy with their lives) or their relationship, in your case I imagine that it would be the former. You have to forgive yourself also. Accord are great for relationship councelling, even if you feel that you need help yourself to cope with the relationship.

Captain Ginger

If you want to marry her, try to talk it out with her and if it seems to be working out maybe you might want to show how sincere you are by proposing?

I don't know, I understand proposing is a huge deal, and I'm not trying to make out that proposing will gloss over all the cracks you made, see how it all works out I guess, but I'd do something or other A.S.A.P before you find your ship has sailed with you left on shore

LegacyUser

Not being sarcastic in the slightest but if i ever meet u in person i want to shake ur hand. U have accepted the u had a problem and have dealt with it now with the help of ur GF. U have admitted to her all ur mistakes and she is still with u because she can see beyond ur faults and from the sounds of it she loves you. From reading ur posts, u seem very passive and ur absolutely kicking urself over the cheating of ur gf. U also seem to have very low self esteem. U state concern whether she should still be wit u as she deserves better, if she felt that way she would tell you and the relationship would be over by now. However, i would suggest if u want to speak to a councellor (as u dont need to speak a physcotherapist) ask ur GP for a referal. The councellor will help you accept that u've made the mistake, u've admitted it to her and he/she will help u move on and promote good mental health and self confidence. Also telling ur gf how u feel every day will really help. If ur feeling really low then start writing a diary or start a hobby. This will really help channel any negativity away from ur relationship. Ur gf sounds like an amazing woman, write a love letter if u cannot find the words to tell her face to face.

Good luck with this.

Lucy Locket

Hi,
Well I'm in the same situation as you appart from the fact I'm the GF who has found out that my fiance has cheated on me. I am all over the place at the moment, my life has just ended. I don't know if the last three years of my life have been a game or what anymore. Like you, it was not drunken, he knew what he was doing.
I don't know what advice I can give you about your GF (if I did I'd give it to myself)she just needs to get her head together, there will be alot of lows and then some highs, sometimes I look at my cheating partner and I see him the man I love, and then in the next breath I hate him, the sight of him makes my skin crawl.....I am completely torn between hate and love.....its been two weeks since I've found out the news, and I still don't know what I feel....All I can say is that the love I have for him does not just go over night (sometimes I wish it would), but space away from him is good. Trust issues will really make or break the relationship.....we are currently in touch with Accord and waiting for an appointment. But this is not to say that we will or can work it out, and the end of the day I can only make that decission....
Things cannot get back to normality straight away, sometimes when we are talking and if he trys to kiss me or just places his hand on my leg like he use to it drives me crazy because I feel like he thinks he has gotten away with it. My head is just telling me to GO GO GO and my heart just doesn't know any more, it's so broken that it can't breath sometimes....which I am sure is what your GF is feeling. So you are just going to have to go with her and her ups & downs for now until she can see straight...(sorry it was so long)
Good luck and I wish you both the best, but as you probably understand I hope you GF does what is right for her.

LegacyUser

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who replied, you have all been very understanding and have given me great advice. I will get in contact with accord today and try to set up something. I will show my girlfriend how much I love her in little ways and work hard on building trust up with her again, I will not push her into anything she is not comfortable with, this is all on her terms now, I will keep you informed and thanks so much for your time and adviced it is much appreciated

MJOR

helpneeded2008 wrote: »

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who replied, you have all been very understanding and have given me great advice. I will get in contact with accord today and try to set up something. I will show my girlfriend how much I love her in little ways and work hard on building trust up with her again, I will not push her into anything she is not comfortable with, this is all on her terms now, I will keep you informed and thanks so much for your time and adviced it is much appreciated

best of luck and well done for overcoming your addiction... just be careful you don't replace one addiction with another

Captain Ginger

All the luck in the world man, you really seem like a decent guy so I hope this all works out.

LegacyUser

Dont look good but you never know.... You have hard work to do here it wont be easy. Is your girlfriend willing t work on it?