How to breakup ??

LegacyUser

Hi,

Okay so I feel I need to break up with my girlfriend - and I want to do it in a way that will cause the least pain/hurt to her.
Basically we have very similiar backgrounds in some ways - we both suffered from body issues in the past, had lack of confidence issues, shyness, not a huge amount of experience with the opposite sex.
I would have developed confidence in these areas much more than she has - but I can still remember what it was like and I feel i have an understanding of her in this way.

She is an attractive girl, a very genuine person,everyone thinks very highly of her - she just needs a bit more confidence in herself.

I know she is pretty crazy about me - but I'm just not sure we're right for each other right now.

I'm very aware (from personal experience) how devastating it can feel when someone breaks up with you - and I want to spare her from as much of that as possible. However, this is probably not going to be possible.

But still, I feel she has grown in confidence about herself since we've been going out - and I would hate for her to lose that.

Any advice on how to go about it?

Should I be honest with her? Her lack of confidence is probably the root cause of why I feel we are not right at the moment - which manifests itself in a number of ways: in social settings, the way that she looks sometimes (nothing unchangeable - she is an attractive girl but could emphasize it more)

Maybe, in a weird way, being broken up with can be a catalyst to change herself - I know it was for me - but it took a few breakups because the girl either didn't have the decency to be honest with me, was protecting my feelings or just didn't know why she wasn't attracted to me.

Anyway I am also aware that I may be projecting a lot of my own inner issues onto her - she has great inner strength (more than me) - but I really feel if she could develop more outward confidence she would have a lot more opportunities to meet someone new.

Is there any point in saying this? Any thoughts?

Thanks

Papillon87

Kudos to you, you seem to genuinely care a lot about this girl. That's a good start.

As someone who recently had her heart broken, here is my advice:

1. Don't do it by text or phone, please. In person if you have any respect for her and your relationship, which you clearly do.

2. BE HONEST. Seriously, if the truth comes out eventually and you've given her some cliche excuse like "I just don't want to be in a relationship right now.....it's nothing personal" etc., it is going to hurt her much more. Speaking from experience, it's almost like a second break up.

3. Don't give her false hope if you've no intention of ever being with her again. Ie "a break" or "when I want to date again, it will be you I'll call"

4. Be considerate.


I have very low self esteem myself, so I would tread carefully with her, I know myself it really damaged any confidence I had built up with him to find out my ex didn't want to be with me for the same reasons he initially wanted to (his family apparently thought I was too shy and quiet for him? )

If I think of anymore, I'll be back!

Good luck

Big_Mac

ConfusedinCork wrote: »

Her lack of confidence is probably the root cause of why I feel we are not right at the moment - which manifests itself in a number of ways: in social settings, the way that she looks sometimes (nothing unchangeable - she is an attractive girl but could emphasize it more)

OP, if this is the only reason you want to break up with her, and as you say she is attractive and you genuinely do care about her, would an alternative be to talk to her about this and see if it can be remedied first?

Just a thought.

LegacyUser

Big_Mac wrote: »

OP, if this is the only reason you want to break up with her, and as you say she is attractive and you genuinely do care about her, would an alternative be to talk to her about this and see if it can be remedied first?

Just a thought.

This is a good point. The op doesn't say if there are other reasons. It does seem like something that isn't exactly a dealbreaker, just my opinion though

LegacyUser

Papillon87 - thanks for your reply

Big_Mac - I've suggested to her she do some of the things I did to build my own confidence - things that I consider are important. She doesn't really have any interest in these things - which is fair enough, she shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to do.

But they are things that are important to me - I'd like someone I am with to have a similiar outlook to me on them.

Big_Mac

ConfusedinCork wrote: »

Papillon87 - thanks for your reply

Big_Mac - I've suggested to her she do some of the things I did to build my own confidence - things that I consider are important. She doesn't really have any interest in these things - which is fair enough, she shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to do.

But they are things that are important to me - I'd like someone I am with to have a similiar outlook to me on them.

Yes, she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do, but if we all went around life with this attitude followed to the letter, we'd all be single. Relationships are compromises, Give and take if you will. If she realises the effect that this has she may be more willing to change?

Having said that though, I get the feeling that there may be other reasons that you are not posting. She'll be hurt an upset regardless of which way you go about it, but for gods sake, don't say its not you its me. If it needs to be done, do it and get it over with. The worst thing you can do is stay in a relationship out of fear of upsetting someone. You will end up resenting them

MJOR

Big_Mac wrote: »

Yes, she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do, but if we all went around life with this attitude followed to the letter, we'd all be single. Relationships are compromises, Give and take if you will. If she realises the effect that this has she may be more willing to change?

Having said that though, I get the feeling that there may be other reasons that you are not posting. She'll be hurt an upset regardless of which way you go about it, but for gods sake, don't say its not you its me. If it needs to be done, do it and get it over with. The worst thing you can do is stay in a relationship out of fear of upsetting someone. You will end up resenting them

Well said big mac...... its very true.... relataionships are about compromise and its hard work ofr both parties but the rewards are much bigger too.... If you're feeling you don't want her, i think from a female perspective she deserves to know. I think possibly you've emotionally outgrown her and if you stay you will ene uo hurting her even more... there is definately more to this than meets the eye