bad relationship with my mother

LegacyUser

hi,i like that i can do this anonmously, but i have a really bad relationship with my mum(i never grew up with a dad),she left me when i was young,and was very abusive when we were growing up,a lot of beatings and blame on me and my siblings for how unhappy she was,i was a quiet kid and was very obedient-terified to be anything else to be honest.She moved away 15 yrs ago and never acted like a mother again,she found another partner sold our house within 6mths and moved away with him and his family,i was in my teens at the time,my younger siblings went with her,but i stayed for college oppertunities.She expected me to continue to be there for her and facilatate her needs but would never be there for me,i changed that and became my own person getting my own job and home.Because i changed she punished me for not being the same and my siblings accused me of being selfish,because they feel sorry for her all the time,as the years went on i didnt go to christmas dinners did some work on myself in therapy and just got on with my life,i thought she might change but she is stil the same,she called in last night for a cup of tea and i hadnt seen her in a few years,myself and my boyfriend got no indication that she had changed,it seems she is in huge denial about what kind of mother she was,and because my sisters never dealt with any of the abuse my mum is able to tell herself she was a great mother because they feed her need to hear it,i am treated as if i am the one with the problem because i dont want to conform to her way,so then its the high way.It has been incredibly hard morning the loss of her because obviously i love her so much,but is there a way i can have a relationshipo with her now,a few years ago we met and i thought because i was older i could handle the situation better,but after a few days she became childish and abusive again,lashing out at me because she wanted to go to the cinema and i wanted to go home,she got very angry for a very petty reason,i actually asked her not to speak to me in an angry way and she went ape saying why did i come here and ruin her day,i started to cry because i was so upset,and she mimicked how i was crying and said aw here come the F*ckin tears,i was so shocked i was 27 years of age and she was speaking to me like this,i actually ripped into her back at this point which i think i needed to do because i has never had before,it was awful and i left and didnt see her till last night.Now my siblings are turining into mini models of her,being abusive to their children and bullying their kids in the same way.I miss them so much too,but they want nothing to do with me,and are loyal to my mum. Sorry for long reply any advice welcomed,where do i go from here? Im very happy in my life now, away from the chaos,how could i balance her in my life?

Wibbs

Boo hoo could you break that into paragraphs it's really hard to read and you will get fewer replies if you don't.

LegacyUser

hi,i like that i can do this anonmously, but i have a really bad relationship with my mum(i never grew up with a dad),she left me when i was young,and was very abusive when we were growing up,a lot of beatings and blame on me and my siblings for how unhappy she was,i was a quiet kid and was very obedient-terified to be anything else to be honest.


She moved away 15 yrs ago and never acted like a mother again,she found another partner sold our house within 6mths and moved away with him and his family,i was in my teens at the time,my younger siblings went with her,but i stayed for college oppertunities.

She expected me to continue to be there for her and facilatate her needs but would never be there for me,i changed that and became my own person getting my own job and home.Because i changed she punished me for not being the same and my siblings accused me of being selfish,because they feel sorry for her all the time,as the years went on i didnt go to christmas dinners did some work on myself in therapy and just got on with my life,i thought she might change but she is stil the same

she called in last night for a cup of tea and i hadnt seen her in a few years,myself and my boyfriend got no indication that she had changed,it seems she is in huge denial about what kind of mother she was,and because my sisters never dealt with any of the abuse my mum is able to tell herself she was a great mother because they feed her need to hear it,i am treated as if i am the one with the problem because i dont want to conform to her way,so then its the high way.

It has been incredibly hard morning the loss of her because obviously i love her so much,but is there a way i can have a relationship with her now,a few years ago we met and i thought because i was older i could handle the situation better,but after a few days she became childish and abusive again,lashing out at me because she wanted to go to the cinema and i wanted to go home,she got very angry for a very petty reason,i actually asked her not to speak to me in an angry way and she went ape saying why did i come here and ruin her day,i started to cry because i was so upset,and she mimicked how i was crying and said aw here come the F*ckin tears,i was so shocked i was 27 years of age and she was speaking to me like this,i actually ripped into her back at this point which i think i needed to do because i has never had before,it was awful and i left and didnt see her till last night.


Now my siblings are turining into mini models of her,being abusive to their children and bullying their kids in the same way.I miss them so much too,but they want nothing to do with me,and are loyal to my mum. Sorry for long reply any advice welcomed,where do i go from here? Im very happy in my life now, away from the chaos,how could i balance her in my life?

allabouteve

OP I don't think you need advice. I think you've broken the cycle of bullying and abuse and walked away from a toxic relationship. Well done. It hurts a lot, I know because I've been through a similar situation.

The difference between you and your siblings is you are self aware enough to recognise the damage and not make excuses for it. The price of a normal life is estrangement, unless you're willing to play the denial game too. Missing your siblings is hard, but much harder would be to revisit the hurt inflicted on the child you were, by being in their circle again.

My own mother bullied me relentlessly, especially after the death of my father. I was compared with my siblings and found lacking in every way possible. She never once told me she was proud of me, or that she loved me. She died 2 years ago and during her final illness not one of my brothers and sisters did anything but make excuses. I gave up ten months of my life to see her through, paid for nursing care and the funeral. No one offered to help. I still love her and miss her, after all that.

It's normal to feel like you do. I know.

dudara

OP, you might want to consider inserting some paragraphs into your post. It would make it easier for other posters to read and hence be able to offer advice.

dudara

Xiney

OP,

I think the best thing for you would be to simply walk away from the relationship. Yes, she gave birth to you, but that doesn't mean you're beholden to her and have to endure her utter lack of respect.

My own mother was extremely abusive for about 6 months (not that long in fairness compared to what you endured) prior to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She got psychiatric help and she's been doing much better with only one relapse when her idiot doctor took her off the medication, but our relationship has never quite recovered, at least on my end. I'm simply not willing to forgive the horrible things she said and did, although I'm happy to report that I love her once again - something of a surprise to me I can tell you. Perhaps leaving the continent in September helped.


I've never really been one to feel closer to family simply because of family. They're either close to you or they're not - if they're toxic and not improving, cut them off. End of story.

LegacyUser

You've been through a hard time obviously, but you seem to have come out of it very well considering.

My only input to you in this situation is, if you do want her in your life, unfortunately the only way to do that would to accept that she is not going to change, and she is not going to become the person that she should have been to you.

She has her way of behaving, and it doesn't look like that is going to change any time soon as she has your other siblings support to help justify that mode of behavior.

Hope that things work out for you. Do not doubt yourself in this situation, because it seems to me you have gotten out of a negative cycle.

LegacyUser

Hey,thanks guys for all the replies it really helped me through a tough few days,the more i allow myself to see the truth the more it sets me free,and the truth is that she is still in huge denial and stil very abusive

i am going to try keep in touch with her at a protected distance,the complete cut off is hard and incase anything goes wrong in the future eg she gets sick or anything,i will have contact but other than that i will be continuing to create my own life and putting my energy there

i am glad to see where i am at with her because i am thinking of getting married and thought it would be nice to have some family there,but i am alright if i do not have them there because they are not part of my life anyway i will think about them all the time and i will send them love and healing but it is best for me to move forward and respect where they are at too

something really amazing happened to me recently i came into a huge amount of money-well enough to buy me a house and i feel i can really go and follow my dreams and be happy,life teaches us many lessons and we are not only here to be someones daughter or sister we are her to have the best experience possible,i am delighted i have broken the cycle and had the courage to let them go,my whole life is ahead of me now...

thanks again everyone xxx

GirlInterrupted

Well done boo hoo you have a sensible head on your shoulders, and congratulations on the money, nice things happen to nice people sometimes.

LegacyUser

OP, i have a similar bad relationship with the mother. Was not the best of childhoods due to family problems and very hard situations. Abuse was had and I feel one of my siblings as well is becoming like just a slave to be there for the sake of it.

I found you really just gotta do what is best from you. I have heard many people say to do different than what i have done and do more for the family but many do not know my family and some families are just hard to be a part of.

You gotta keep yourself happy before trying to please anyone else. If being around your mother does not make you happy then distance yourself while still letting them know you will be there if help is need.

I have done what i needed to do and much happier person due to it. I found myself before becoming angry because of things, ended up being in some fights and getting into trouble. I have done my own thing and I am much happier and more calm and very relaxed.

Take your life into your own hands instead of life taking you in its own

deisemum

OP you're not alone and well done on breaking the cycle.

I haven't seen my mother in over 5 years after she assaulted me at my dad's funeral. She made his life a misery and being the eldest I guess I was the first to notice as I got older that she was the one who was nasty to my dad and not the other way round. I think she really hated the fact that I started to support and back my dad and she didn't like it.

She's a very cold woman and I cannot ever remember being hugged nor have I ever witnessed her hugging any of my younger siblings, the youngest is almost 20 years younger than me so I'd have been an adult and would have noticed if she had. She's very bitter but it's her own doing.

The last time I had anything to do with her was when I had to get the Gardai to deal with her after she assaulted me.

I have my own children now and I'm delighted to say that I'm the complete opposite to my mother. My children are pre-teens now but they know they're loved to bits, get constant hugs and are my pride and joy. We've got a very happy home so just to reassure you in case it ever crossed your mind and you may worry done that line as to what type of mum you'll be don't.