Going out Vs Staying in - Dealbreaker?

UnhappyBunny

First of all, I am younger than my fiancé by 7 years and we have been together for 6. When we first started going out I was 17 and he was 24 and he brought me out to loads of concerts and festivals. I still want to experience all of that but he's more than ready to leave it all behind him.

I see this as being no-one's fault, I don't think I'm in the wrong for wanting to go out to nightclubs and concerts but neither do I blame him for not wanting to go. I just wonder if it's an issue where a compromise can be reached or if it's likely to be a dealbreaker.

At the moment we don't go out. Unless it's a special occasion like New Years or my birthday. (We don't go out for his, he doesn't want to.) And we never, ever go to festivals. To be honest, if this is a compromise then already I'm not happy with the terms. I haven't been out to a pub or a club since December 31st. And if I were to ask for a compromise of going out, say, every two months I know he wouldn't be happy with that.

Has anyone else experienced this? Either with an age-gap relationship or even someone your own age who had a different view to yours when it came to going out? I know the easy answer is "go out with just your friends" but my girlfriends are all single and into "pulling" guys. I want to go out with my man, not to look for one. Can anyone give me any advice/opinions? Am I being unreasonable?

No1XtinaFan

Hi, I kinda know how you feel although for me it's not as extreme,
I started going out with my bf when I was 19 and he was 24, I'm 23 now and he's 29 it's not that we dont' go out often but generally if I want to go out to a nightclub I have to go with the girls, I'd love for him to come with me but he hates nightclubs-they're a rip of and he can't dance and I can!!!! Maybe if you sit down and explain to him that you think you's should enjoy yourselves a bit more and you'd love to go the pub tonight or something jus the 2 of you I mean it has been ages even if you just go for a copuple of drinks he might loosen up- sorry I don't even know if this 'advice' is any good! but I'm sure if you talk, you've been together a long time it'd be a shame if you's couldn't come to a more agreeable compromise

Karen_*

I don't think you're being unreasonable so you'll have to sit him down and discuss compromise. If he once liked going to festivals then surely he'll enjoy the odd one.

And you should go out with your friends too, they can't be just out to pull blokes. It might be part of the reason they go out but you don't have to join in. Just go for a laugh, dance and catch up.

Nevyn

If he took up golf would he expect you to go with him or would he find golf buddies ?

Where are your friends ? why don't you go out with them ?

UnhappyBunny

I guess it doesn't seem like a problem to some people. That's fair enough. But I want a life partner who I can share these things with. You know what it's like when you enjoy doing something, you want the person you're closest to in life to share in it with you. The fact that other people share in it usually doesn't mean as much as it would if your partner was with you.

There is no way he would be happy with me going to an all-day festival without him. But I feel like going to these kinds of things is still something that I want to do. And I don't feel that I should have to apologise for it. And he really doesn't want to do it anymore.

Trinity

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

First of all, I am younger than my fiancé by 7 years and we have been together for 6. When we first started going out I was 17 and he was 24 and he brought me out to loads of concerts and festivals. I still want to experience all of that but he's more than ready to leave it all behind him.

I see this as being no-one's fault, I don't think I'm in the wrong for wanting to go out to nightclubs and concerts but neither do I blame him for not wanting to go. I just wonder if it's an issue where a compromise can be reached or if it's likely to be a dealbreaker.

At the moment we don't go out. Unless it's a special occasion like New Years or my birthday. (We don't go out for his, he doesn't want to.) And we never, ever go to festivals. To be honest, if this is a compromise then already I'm not happy with the terms. I haven't been out to a pub or a club since December 31st. And if I were to ask for a compromise of going out, say, every two months I know he wouldn't be happy with that.

Has anyone else experienced this? Either with an age-gap relationship or even someone your own age who had a different view to yours when it came to going out? I know the easy answer is "go out with just your friends" but my girlfriends are all single and into "pulling" guys. I want to go out with my man, not to look for one. Can anyone give me any advice/opinions? Am I being unreasonable?

No you are not. The question is 'is it a deal-breaker for you?' I have seen it too many times in too many relationships.

The couple that plays together stays together. You are too young to be living seperate lives, save that for when you are together 40 years. You both need time apart from each other with friends, but you should be going out with him too.

I think you should explain how serious an issue this is for you, obviously it is if you are writing here. And tell him this is not the future you imagined for yourself.

Nevyn

Ok I can get that he may not want to go to an all day gig but are you saying he would be unhappy to the point of being distruptive about you going instead of supportive ?

Had this happened before ?

What really honestly keeps you from going out to the pub with your own friends rather then it being 6months from when you last went out ?

Karen_*

Well he should compromise or else you'll end up considering whether he really is the one for you. Its good to have seperate interests but you also need to have some things in common and meet each other halfway. He's not doing that and its getting you down.

Zulu

I dunno. Myself and my mates are all in the 28-32 age group and we go out at least once a week. More often for the singletons twice a week. So I don't think age is your problem.

randombar

Asked the missus and this was her advice

Anyway, if he doesnt want to go out then she should just go out with her friends, she can still enjoy it. If she keeps going the way she is she'll prob resent him for it and prob start having trouble then.
She could try and do something that he likes doing aswell, like sports or something, maybe give him tickets to a match so he could bring his friends and out after or something???
Shes still so young he should be willing to make a little bit more of an effort too though. Shes obviously not happy so she should say something. After six years surely they can work something out.

She said that to me so it's a bit blunt but you get the point!

randombar

I definitely sign up for the no nightclubs thing, why in the name of god would any guy in their right mind like going to a nightclubt, i mean the only real reason alds go there is to score and if you're with someone then that's done so why no just stay in a nice cosy pub sitting down getting hammerred.

To find a nice cosy pub to sit down and get hammered i'd recommend www.ratemypub.ie

UnhappyBunny

Trinity, hallelujah! That's exactly it. It's the fact that we don't go out together that has me preturbed. He has his interests, I have mine and they two don't cross as much as they used to. We used to go out every couple of weeks but now we're either out with different people or at home together bickering.

To be perfectly honest (and I probably shouldn't say this) but some of my friends really like him that much. They've told me this. I don't know how anyone else feels but I don't want to ask because it would put them in an awkward position.

Anyway, going out with friends isn't an issue. No, I haven't been out to a club with them in ages, but we've had nights in and had a few drinks. I don't want to go out clubbing because I would rather save the €70 and spend it on going out with my fiancé. And he has said once or twice that he'll take me out but then on the day he doesn't want to. And the money usually gets spent on something else.

silvine

why in the name of god would any guy in their right mind like going to a nightclubt

Eh for the music maybe? Or because it's good club. Not ever club around is like Copper Face Jacks.

mikewest

I've been through this in the last few months with my other half. She didn't want to go anywhere at all i.e. no socialising at all but a friend of mine was having his 40th and I basically laid down the law and said that I wasn't having any more of this and I needed a social life and that included her having one whether she wanted one or not. She gave in grudgingly and went to the party with me, met some of my friends from college years ago that she had never met and had a ball. Since then she has come out of her self imposed shell and actually went out to an event on her own this week, the first time she has done anything like this in years.

Maybe you need to give him a push cause we all get into a rut if left to our own devices. Get him out of the house some nights to something , anything just get out together because this can turn into a major deal breaker if left to fester.

Edit: Just seen your most recent post. If its a case of you not getting out together then a serious sit down is called for because this is not good for you as a couple.

Or just drag him out cave woman style

silvine

I dunno. Rumour has it staying in is the the new going out.

craichoe

GaryCocs wrote: »

I definitely sign up for the no nightclubs thing, why in the name of god would any guy in their right mind like going to a nightclubt, i mean the only real reason alds go there is to score and if you're with someone then that's done so why no just stay in a nice cosy pub sitting down getting hammerred.

To find a nice cosy pub to sit down and get hammered i'd recommend www.ratemypub.ie

I second this

EVERY single night club in Ireland is over priced and sh*t with a crappy sound system. No where to sit down and have a break in them.

Much prefer the quiet pub with a nice guinness

However in Europe their far better less binge drinking too as their open until 5 am or even until the following day.

Pigletlover

I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 29 in a few months, he prefers to go for a few drinks on a Sunday, whereas I prefer Saturday nights out. Occassionaly I'll go out with him on a Sunday and sometimes he'll come out with me on a Saturday night, but mostly we do our thing. I know my boyfriend hates nightclubs, just as I hate horse racing so it's a sort of a compromise. Sometimes you just have to accept that your OH has different interests, if you can't accept that then maybe you should reconsider your position.

Doctor DooM

OP, wanting to go out with your other half only can be a dangerous thing.

Men don't always think like women (duh) and as men get older they enjoy quiet more and more.

I am sure you know the stereotype of the man who just "wants half an hour alone when I come in the door!"

This doesn't mean he loves you any less, or anything is wrong in the relationship. It's just his head is in a quiet space.

Crowding him and forcing him to spend time with you when he wants the quiet and relaxation could be damaging, I think.

That said, if you are not happy going out with out him(and I would think you should consider long and hard why you dont want to) and it is important to you to keep your relationship alive, you need to talk to him about it, and stick to whatever resolution you bash out.

UnhappyBunny

SDoom, I really think you vastly underestimate the situation. Which is fine. But you do have a very different view on things. Such as my not wanting to go out on my own.

You took me up as saying "I don't want to go out with anyone else ever, just my other half" when what I'm actually saying is "I'm sick of the fact that if I want to go out, it has to be with someone else. Why can't I go out and have fun with my othre half once in a while?"

I'm sorry if I was unclear. Even just take the example of this Scotland thing. Does anybody have any advice for what I should do there? I want to go, he doesn't want to go. Should I forget about it, pretend it doesn't bother me like I always do? Go with someone else who wants to go? (That would cause no end of fights) Or ask him again to please come with me, even though he has already refused?

MagicMarker

If you want to go somewhere then go!!

If he has a problem with that then that's what it is, HIS problem.

Don't let anyone control your actions!

Iago

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

There is no way he would be happy with me going to an all-day festival without him. But I feel like going to these kinds of things is still something that I want to do. And I don't feel that I should have to apologise for it. And he really doesn't want to do it anymore.

Then maybe you have drifted apart and need to consider who you're going to spend your life with?

Trinity

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you want to go somewhere then go!!

If he has a problem with that then that's what it is, HIS problem.

Don't let anyone control your actions!

Exactly, however I think the OP is more concerned about long-term implications of not having a social life that includes her partner. She has already invested 7 years into this relationship, she is probably asking herself 'is this it?'

His problem will soon become her problem too, if she has an invisible partner. I know this is of little significance but i know a couple like this were the girl wont go out, he doesnt want to leave her, doesnt want to stay, head is all over the place, so he cheats. Dont ask me why i put that in.....

All I can say is you have to talk to him. If its push pull in the relationship something will snap eventually, thats why flexiblity and compromise are a must, but not always YOU compromising.

I cant see any post about Scotland?

UnhappyBunny

Thank you Magic Marker, that is what I was thinking of doing. Reading these posts back I've made it sound like he decides what I can and can't do. He doesn't want me to go on my own, he doesn't want me to go with other people, he doesn't want to come with me. It seems like he wants his way all the time.

I wonder what would happen if I tried the same thing? Tell him, "No, you're not going out with your work buddies." He's probably laugh. I can't imagine he would worry about it, or ask for advice.

Sorry, I was going to explain about Scotland but then I deleted it. There's a festival that I want to go to, and it's in Scotland. He doesn't want to go. It's a big deal, obviously, because it's not like an impulse thing. I need to arrange tickets, travel, accomodation... So he can't pretend that he's okay with it and then pull out at the last minute. He did before, said he didn't want to go and returned the tickets.

Trinity

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

Thank you Magic Marker, that is what I was thinking of doing. Reading these posts back I've made it sound like he decides what I can and can't do. He doesn't want me to go on my own, he doesn't want me to go with other people, he doesn't want to come with me. It seems like he wants his way all the time.

I wonder what would happen if I tried the same thing? Tell him, "No, you're not going out with your work buddies." He's probably laugh. I can't imagine he would worry about it, or ask for advice.

I didnt know he didnt want you going out without him :eek:

Anyway, talk to him. Make a date with him. Like as though you first met.

Meet him in the pub, restaurant wherever, dont go together, if he cancels on you, he has stood you up and then its time for a good think. Make him chase you again. Get the spark back.

Doctor DooM

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

Thank you Magic Marker, that is what I was thinking of doing. Reading these posts back I've made it sound like he decides what I can and can't do. He doesn't want me to go on my own, he doesn't want me to go with other people, he doesn't want to come with me. It seems like he wants his way all the time.

I wonder what would happen if I tried the same thing? Tell him, "No, you're not going out with your work buddies." He's probably laugh. I can't imagine he would worry about it, or ask for advice.

Sorry, I was going to explain about Scotland but then I deleted it. There's a festival that I want to go to, and it's in Scotland. He doesn't want to go. It's a big deal, obviously, because it's not like an impulse thing. I need to arrange tickets, travel, accomodation... So he can't pretend that he's okay with it and then pull out at the last minute. He did before, said he didn't want to go and returned the tickets.

You're absolutely right, I think I did take you up wrong. This is a nasty thing to do and actually it sounds like he is trying to control you. Yo go to that festival and enjoy it and if he has a problem, make sure he knows thats exactly what it is- his problem, not yours.

UnhappyBunny

Trinity, it's funny you should suggest that. A couple of months ago I did ask him to meet me in town for a coffee. I knew he'd think it was a bit silly but I wanted to talk to him and I thought it would be better to do it somewhere new, rather than at our house where there would be distractions. He didn't want to do it. Said we could make coffee at home that wasn't over-priced rubbish and we had a perfectly good couch to sit on and we didn't need to go out.

Trinity

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

Trinity, it's funny you should suggest that. A couple of months ago I did ask him to meet me in town for a coffee. I knew he'd think it was a bit silly but I wanted to talk to him and I thought it would be better to do it somewhere new, rather than at our house where there would be distractions. He didn't want to do it. Said we could make coffee at home that wasn't over-priced rubbish and we had a perfectly good couch to sit on and we didn't need to go out.

Ouch. SOUnds like its a one sided relationship. Why dont you go out and make yourself a happy bunny and let him stay at home with his money under his mattress. Bah Humbug

MagicMarker

This guy is just getting old and set in his new found ways...

People change, there's nothing we can do about that... I'm the opposite, as a younger guy i wasn't really into ''going out'', not a fan of nightclubs and i don't drink all that much and going for a coffee sounded rediculous. I think looking back i didn't really like getting out of my comfort zone, i was in a bit of a rut....

But now, i'm completely different, i would be out every night of the week if i could, ha0nging out at the local coffee shop, going out for dinner, going to a friends place to watch a movie and occasionally going for a few beers.

It sounds like your OH is also in a rut, he's aquired his own comfort zone and sees no reason to leave, and maybe there is none, it's not wrong for him to want to stay in. But if it's effecting you so much then he needs to make an effort for his girlfriend, he needs to understand that if things keep going as they are, you're going to get sick and tired of him very quickly.

I say sit him down and be completely honest about the situation and that if things don't change, you're going to have to rethink your priorities, because at the moment you're both following very different paths.

LegacyUser

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

I guess it doesn't seem like a problem to some people. That's fair enough. But I want a life partner who I can share these things with. You know what it's like when you enjoy doing something, you want the person you're closest to in life to share in it with you. The fact that other people share in it usually doesn't mean as much as it would if your partner was with you.

There is no way he would be happy with me going to an all-day festival without him. But I feel like going to these kinds of things is still something that I want to do. And I don't feel that I should have to apologise for it. And he really doesn't want to do it anymore.

I am in the exact same position! I'm 24, he's 29, we've been together since I was 17. I'm having a daily debate in my head at the moment about whether I can put up with his lack of compromise on social events. We go out together a bit, and we go to lots of festivals so it's not exactly the same position. But he refuses to come out with me when i'm with my friends and pretty much refuses to go to family things. Family is very important to me. Recently all my family went to a sporting event and I wished he'd come with me but there's no way I could get him to go. I keep thinking about the future. And it's exactly like what you said about having a life partner. Will he come to my friends weddings with me? etc etc It's doing my head in! I'm mad about him, we have fun together but I don't know if it's a deal breaker or not!

flibbertyjibbet

UnhappyBunny wrote: »

I guess it doesn't seem like a problem to some people. That's fair enough. But I want a life partner who I can share these things with. You know what it's like when you enjoy doing something, you want the person you're closest to in life to share in it with you. The fact that other people share in it usually doesn't mean as much as it would if your partner was with you.

There is no way he would be happy with me going to an all-day festival without him. But I feel like going to these kinds of things is still something that I want to do. And I don't feel that I should have to apologise for it. And he really doesn't want to do it anymore.

I think having a life partner means sharing important experiences like children etc not going out to some club on Saturday night. I doubt that any couple share every single interest, there'll probably always be something that he'll want to do but you don't and vice versa. Your right that you shouldn't have to apologize for wanting to do these things but neither should he for not wanting to do them. Go out to a club with a big group of friends -that way you have less of a chance of being stuck alone if some of them start pulling guys, or arrange a 'girls only' night in advance