Messed up situation

LegacyUser

OK, I'll try keep this short and sweet.

I was with a guy for 2.5 years, we broke up last October (I know, I should be over it)

We were best friends, we got on like a house on fire - but behind his back throughout the duration of our relationship I was severely bulimic.

I never told him because I was ashamed, it caused so many issues with us, things that didn't ad up about my behaviour etc. He knew it was going on a little, but nothing in comparison to how bad it got.

We broke up a few times but we were never able to stay away from eachother, then last October it was the big one, he just couldn't cope with my insecurity and need for reassurance - like I was seriously over the top.

Since breaking up I've come clean to him about everything, he wants to help me and has been so so so supportive but he doesn't want to get back together as we both agree I need to do this on my own. He would never plant seeds in my head that we might get back together because he's so nice but I just can't get over him, he was the one for me.

I'm seeing a therapist now and am making progress but it's going to be a long time before I will be "ready" for a relatipnship.....me and my ex are giving eachother space right now - I asked for it as I don't want to keep seeking his approval and we need it but I miss him like crazy - I want to get better for myself, for me but what if I've already lost the person I was supposed to be with?

I just feel so sad about the whole situation and wonder if anyone has any thoughts?

jellie

If you cant be together but you still feel strongly for him the best thing for you is to cut contact. I can understand how you might need him with everything youre going through but in the long run it will only be an added problem.

As for losing the person youre supposed to be with, i think we all feel that way at some point. Lately im thinking about things in terms of "if it was meant to be it will happen". If you are meant to be with him, then things will work out, but maybe theres someone else out there for you. Youre weak & vulnerable at the moment, its always easier to cling to the familiar than be strong & take on the unknown.

concentrate on YOU and getting better. dont let your feelings for him take all your strength.

I hope it works out for you.

AARRRGH

I cant fix this wrote: »

what if I've already lost the person I was supposed to be with?

There isn't one person for you. There are millions of people you would be blissfully happy with. Forget the "he's the one" crap. It's nonsense.

You shouldn't even be thinking about relationships at the moment. You're unable to take care of yourself - you have a mental illness - wait until you're better before even considering taking on the emotional baggage a new relationship will bring.

RedXIV

Hey OP,

First of all, fair play in getting the help you need, thats the all important first step.

The main thing i'm going to try and get accross to you now is that until you are perfectly happy with yourself as a person, relationships are always going to be full of these pitfalls. Sounding like a buddist monk but inner peace is the key to happiness, and if you can achieve this, honestly things will just start to fall into place.

If your feeling cut up about the relationship, leave it, trust me. There may a possibility of a relationship in the future but don't live your life on a possibility. You will come across as ten times more attractive when you boost your confidence and are a happy individual.

Best of Luck, PM if ya need to

Red

Aurora Borealis

Don't worry about fixing the situation but concentrate on "fixing" or getting better yourself. Everything else will fall into place as if and when it's meant to.
You are your number one priority without question right now.

papillon66

Hi Op,

First of all I just want to say that I'm really proud of you even though I don't know you to take the first step to get help and support-

I'm saying that as I have 2 good friends with bulemia and as a close friend I know how hard it has been for them and for me to get them to get some help- I failed for one of them even though I did my best,she was living here for 2 years and had suffer from it for many,many,many years-She didn't want to get any help here and as the situation was getting worst she had to go back to her home country-For 2 years it has been a fight to get her out of her insecurities...plus she was ashamed about it which didn't help-But all my help and support didn't change a thing as she wasn't ready to do it by herself nor for herself-It was a very draining friendship emotionally-

In another hand my other friend did seek help and as she was aware of her own insecurities and her needs to control things she used it to control her life and her future, saying to me that bulemia wasn't what she was and taht she wanted to get all the positisive things she could get from it until she will get through all the healing process-She used all the negatives aspects as something it could be turned in somethings positive to reinforce her self esteem and her insecurities issues-And she's doing a lot of good things for herself and to look forward too!

She started a management course 2 years ago(still 2 more years to go!:)) and bought a house and decorated it as the ones you can see in the magazines! in the meatime she met a a really nice guy who knows about it and seems really supportive but also he knows when some bounderies needs to be raised as she knows also that she doesn't have the right to lay on him in some insecurities due to the relationship-

What I would like to say here using those examples is that only you can make the choice to stand for yourself and be happy-If you're happy you'll make people around you look at you and say: Wow! she's great! and this ex you are so scared to loose will be the one you'll impress first as he will know where you come from-Right now you got into councelling for him so make him proud of you, thinking in all the good things you achieved, even though it's small steps...there is always something positive to do with a negative point-First you'll find the strengh doing it for him, step by step doing it for him will be doing it for you too as it will make you feel good about yourself-You might loose a lover but you will gain the best friend ever...yourself and maybe another good friend... him Life is a learning journey not a badfaith destiny...

What you miss now is not him is the way he makes you feel...safe and secure-you didn't loose him...you just lost this feeling that you have to gain now by yourself- the positive aspect here is that you know how it feels to feel safe and secure so now you have to build it up inside of you...step by step and stay positive no matter what:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. Yep I know there are probably plenty of other guys who could make me happy, I just find it hard to lose such a good guy and feel so totally responsible for it.

Anyway, I know I have to do this on my own and I want to stay single for now so I don't fall back in to old habits, like i'm taking my recovery really seriously....and I agree that if it's meant to be with my ex then the space will make no difference.....but ya know, the same way other guys can make me happy I'm sure there's lots of other girls without my issues who can make him happy. I wouldn't begrudge him happiness, he deserves it....it's just all I can think about.

I am trying to be positive and happy as much as I can, and I am a logical person, I know whats right for me and what's wrong for me.

I'm doing the right thing, i know it, i just don't want to lose him

guy2454

quick reply, youre better off having this guy as a friend for the moment,if you were to keep seeing each other things may turn ugly and you could end up losing him altogether,i think thats one word???best of luck with getting better,i have been there, yes im a guy!!got the help i needed and now in a happy relationship for 4yrs,get yourself sorted first, who knows you may get back together,for the time being take the shoulder to cry on and the support hes offering you,again best of luck.