Confused and scared

LegacyUser

Right its time to write everything down and get it out in the open for once and for all. If you actually get to read all of this any advice any one has for me would be greatly appreciated.
K well i should probably start with the fact that i had an ex who did abuse me and its now years later and its still hard to move on, i cant even say what he did to me to anyone and it does make meeting new people harder because im so scared that something like that is gonna happen again. Eventually after this i met this amazing guy, he was everything i wanted him to be and more, he was always there for me and for 4 years we were extremely happy (sappy i know) but then things changed, he was diagnosed with a life long disease and i started getting a lift to work with this guy who as the weeks went on i started to have more and more feelings for. this eventually led to a drunken kiss and i ended it with my boyfriend.
I miss him so much but i cant forget how i feel about this other guy,he knows that yea i like him but he has no idea how much, i would do anything to be with him and he s just not interested, its killing me
i come home and get so depressed in the evenings and the only person i can turn to is him,he s the only person i can talk to and its not fair on him having to worry constantly that am i gonna do something stupid.. does anyone have any advice / ways for me to forget about it him please??
Thanks

AARRRGH

Jesus, what a train wreck.

Why don't you get some hobbies so you can have something to do when you come home in the evenings? Basically I think you need to keep yourself busy for a while.

If you can afford it get some therapy too.

Wagon

I don't think that having an ex who abused can be used as an excuse here. You cheated on your boyfriend after you found he was diagnosed with a lifelong disease and started getting lifts to work with this other bloke, you then broke up with him, then you realise that this other guy isn't interested. Sorry to hear of all that, it's a bad situation alright.

However, we are human beings. We cock things up from time to time. Sometimes they're big mistakes but we must learn to live with them. You must learn to live with this one. And you absolutely can NOT ring up your ex and tell him of all these problems. That's incredibly unfair for a bloke who has been diagnosed with a lifelong disease, had his girlfriend of 4 years cheat on him and dump him and then get phone calls from her on how this new guy won't go out with her.

You made this mistake. Best thing you can do is learn from it.

AARRRGH

Wagon wrote: »

you absolutely can NOT ring up your ex and tell him of all these problems. That's incredibly unfair for a bloke who has been diagnosed with a lifelong disease, had his girlfriend of 4 years cheat on him and dump him and then get phone calls from her on how this new guy won't go out with her.

I cannot stress how much I agree with the above.

OP: Please, please take a long look at yourself if you are doing what Wagon wrote above. That is so cruel.

RedXIV

Wagon wrote: »

I don't think that having an ex who abused can be used as an excuse here. You cheated on your boyfriend after you found he was diagnosed with a lifelong disease and started getting lifts to work with this other bloke, you then broke up with him, then you realise that this other guy isn't interested. Sorry to hear of all that, it's a bad situation alright.

However, we are human beings. We cock things up from time to time. Sometimes they're big mistakes but we must learn to live with them. You must learn to live with this one. And you absolutely can NOT ring up your ex and tell him of all these problems. That's incredibly unfair for a bloke who has been diagnosed with a lifelong disease, had his girlfriend of 4 years cheat on him and dump him and then get phone calls from her on how this new guy won't go out with her.

You made this mistake. Best thing you can do is learn from it.

+1

I'm sorry OP but you need the wake up call here. Time to examine yourself and see what you can do to make yourself a better person because as it stands, you're not exactly a shining pillar of community.

Time for self help methinks. People all over the world deal with problems as the appear, they are inspiriing to see how they move from crisis to crisis and never let it get them or anyone else down. If you need someone to bear all to, use family, thats what they are there for. Your ex is NOT

LegacyUser

K i really dont think i worded that well at all. what i meant to say was that the only person i can talk to is the guy i get a lift with not my ex. i hurt him so much that me not talkin to him is the best way for him to move forward
yes i am not gonna lie n deny that there was a drunken kiss which i felt really guilty about and told my ex the whole thing the next day and hated myself so much for doing it.
yes he was diagnosed with life long disease but i was always there for him through the difficult stuff but we both had to realise that it was coming to an end. I wasnt entirey to blame for the break up, the longer we went on the more it was gonna hurt both of is in the long run,
i hope that clears up what people have replied with already, im not proud of kissing my lift.
thanks for all the advice so far. i have tried hobbies and distracting myself in teh evenings but so far nothing seems to work, its really hard and when i think about stuff i get really depressed. i hate the way the only person i feel i can talk to is my lift, and i feel like im ruining his life by having him constantly worryin about me. i guess he is a good distraction from thinking about bad stuff. ahhh someone help me stop doing this

Trinity

bopper718 wrote: »

K i really dont think i worded that well at all. what i meant to say was that the only person i can talk to is the guy i get a lift with not my ex. i hurt him so much that me not talkin to him is the best way for him to move forward
yes i am not gonna lie n deny that there was a drunken kiss which i felt really guilty about and told my ex the whole thing the next day and hated myself so much for doing it.
yes he was diagnosed with life long disease but i was always there for him through the difficult stuff but we both had to realise that it was coming to an end. I wasnt entirey to blame for the break up, the longer we went on the more it was gonna hurt both of is in the long run,
i hope that clears up what people have replied with already, im not proud of kissing my lift.
thanks for all the advice so far. i have tried hobbies and distracting myself in teh evenings but so far nothing seems to work, its really hard and when i think about stuff i get really depressed. i hate the way the only person i feel i can talk to is my lift, and i feel like im ruining his life by having him constantly worryin about me. i guess he is a good distraction from thinking about bad stuff. ahhh someone help me stop doing this

There are plenty of other things in life apart from men, or this one man, that are good distractions from 'bad stuff'. When you focus all your happiness on one person, they cant handle all the pressure. If you cant make yourself happy, no-one else can do it for you. Its too much to ask of anyone.

First and foremost you need to sort out your problems, without your 'lift'. He is not the be all and end of your life. You sound messed up to be honest and very few men can take on this burden. Put yourself in his shoes and have a good look at yourself and how he might see you - needy, clingy, emotionally ****ed up? Are you getting the picture now? Some people are nice and can do it for a while but you are never gonna get anyone to take you on like that. They wonder what kind of a future they might have with you. We cant be happy all the time but there is nothing more attractive than someone fun loving, jolly and confident. A snivelling wreck is none to attractive.

Get yourself some counselling, start by visiting your GP.

And maybe make peace with your ex, write him a letter, there could be some underlying guilt there and if he forgave you it might be a step forward for you.

Overheal

bopper718 wrote: »

i cant even say what he did to me to anyone and it does make meeting new people harder because im so scared that something like that is gonna happen again.

lets start there. its been about 5 years (¿) and you still cant come to terms with what happened. Thats a long time to keep something like that to yourself.

In my honest opinion, you should take advantage of your anonymity here and get it off your chest.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

lets start there. its been about 5 years (¿) and you still cant come to terms with what happened. Thats a long time to keep something like that to yourself.

In my honest opinion, you should take advantage of your anonymity here and get it off your chest.

k sure i suppose its not gonna make a difference anyway, i wouldnt sleep with my abusive ex so he got his way twice if you know what i mean... sorry really cant say it.

Trinity

bopper718 wrote: »

k sure i suppose its not gonna make a difference anyway, i wouldnt sleep with my abusive ex so he got his way twice if you know what i mean... sorry really cant say it.

Well then you really do need to go and get some counselling. You have to accept what happened to you has happened and you cant change it and dont always be a victim. Its too easy to use these excuses to let our lives slip by. The ones who do something about it are the real brave ones.

Overheal

i have tried hobbies and distracting myself in teh evenings but so far nothing seems to work, its really hard and when i think about stuff i get really depressed. i hate the way the only person i feel i can talk to is my lift, and i feel like im ruining his life by having him constantly worryin about me. i guess he is a good distraction from thinking about bad stuff. ahhh someone help me stop doing this

This is why you need to accept what happened. I imagine those feelings still sneak up on you, frequently. You've avoided thinking about it for so long that everytime it crosses your mind it justs brings you down.

If you cant talk about it here, go talk to a counsellor about it. You're only going to feel worse and worse the longer you leave it repressed.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice so far.... tbh i cant remember the last time i was truly happy. i dont want to be treating him like this i dont even know why i do it he just makes me feel so much better but on the other hand what he does / says can affect my moods. is it normal for moods to go to extremes in a matter of minutes?

in relation to my abusive ex i ve tried counselling to get over that n it just made things worse i started having flash backs and it affected me more than it had done before. i ve developed claustrophobia and have regular enough panic attacks if i feel trapped,
does any ever feel that things would be a lot easier if they were locked up in a padded cell away from everyone....

RedXIV

bopper718 wrote: »

thanks for all the advice so far.... tbh i cant remember the last time i was truly happy. i dont want to be treating him like this i dont even know why i do it he just makes me feel so much better but on the other hand what he does / says can affect my moods. is it normal for moods to go to extremes in a matter of minutes?

in relation to my abusive ex i ve tried counselling to get over that n it just made things worse i started having flash backs and it affected me more than it had done before. i ve developed claustrophobia and have regular enough panic attacks if i feel trapped,
does any ever feel that things would be a lot easier if they were locked up in a padded cell away from everyone....

No because i draw strength in every aspect from the people i know. Look for support, you seem like a nice enough girl, i'm sure you have friends and family that would be there for you. Councilling sounds tough alright but sticking with it might be what you need.

Best of luck OP

Red

Overheal

no pain no gain OP confronting those issues is supposed to hurt. When you're finally through it though you'll be a lot better off for it.

pwd

tell us tell us tell us tell us

Big_Mac

OP, I rthink the best suggestion I can give you is to seek some professional help and guidance. If for nothing else, it would be a worthwile exercise to have someone to talk to who would be impartial

MJOR

Big_Mac wrote: »

OP, I rthink the best suggestion I can give you is to seek some professional help and guidance. If for nothing else, it would be a worthwile exercise to have someone to talk to who would be impartial

i totally agree with you here..... talk about it.... keeping everything bottled up will just weaken you even more... people have a rough ride from time 2 time thats just life.... talk about it work thru it allow your inner strength to take over i bet ur stronger than u think

LegacyUser

i dont think i am - i ve had 13 years of nothin but feeling guilt for somethin n hating myself its time to end it. disappearing is just the easiest option

Trinity

bopper718 wrote: »

i dont think i am - i ve had 13 years of nothin but feeling guilt for somethin n hating myself its time to end it. disappearing is just the easiest option

No its the cowards way.

Counselling only works if you are involved. Facing your demons is how you fight them.

Good luck.

Overheal

bopper718 wrote: »

i dont think i am - i ve had 13 years of nothin but feeling guilt for somethin n hating myself its time to end it. disappearing is just the easiest option

So these problems go even farther back.
OP, you need to face whatever this is.

How old are you if I may ask.

Miss Fluff

Are you in Dublin OP? I think you would really benefit from popping in and making an appointment with the Rape Crisis Centre in Leeson Street. http://www.drcc.ie/ Alternatively they can advise you on local support. It's a free and confidential service and they will be able to advise you on the next course of action. You can't progress with life until you sort out these demons and being honest, your PI seems to be a smoke screen for what happened all those years ago rather than the issue over the lift guy. I hope things improve in your life, I do think it's time you gave the professionals another chance.

RedXIV

bopper718 wrote: »

i dont think i am - i ve had 13 years of nothin but feeling guilt for somethin n hating myself its time to end it. disappearing is just the easiest option

I don't like this. I hate replying to posts like this because I'm terrified i'll say the wrong thing. OP, I'm trying to think of the right way to get an idea across so i hope you'll bear with me. No matter what happens in life, regardless how bad a situation seems, i can guarantee that there is an upside coming. Show the true strength of character that i know you have. stand up and fight this thing.

Go to pro's like Ms Fluff said. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Don't give up yet lass, support is everywhere here!

davyjose

bopper718 wrote: »

he was always there for me and for 4 years we were extremely happy

bopper718 wrote: »

tbh i cant remember the last time i was truly happy.

Times for a long chat with the ex maybe? Or have you fallen out of love with him?

LegacyUser

davyjose wrote: »

Times for a long chat with the ex maybe? Or have you fallen out of love with him?

I dont know how i feel about him anymore ... there are times id do absolutely anything to get him back but he s moved on he s with someone else and im not gonna ruin that for him.
i ve got myself into this mess i just have to live with the consequences.
thanks for all the advice.
overheal im 23 btw

Overheal

I was afraid of the answer to that.

To be clear: you have nothing to feel guilty about, Bopper.
Please have a read through some of these.. they may prove helpful.

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055299581
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055286748
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055286935
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055304115
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055302966

edit: and also a good read of http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055309303

allabouteve

You certainly need help with dealing with the events of your past, however you must be mature enough to walk away rather than keep hurting the people who care about you. Keep up the counsellling OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice i rang the samaritans on saturday night and they helped me put a lot of stuff into perspective, that n i had a really good cry yday, so im back to being happy me again, that n all the guilt of what i did to my ex is gone because he finally had the guts to tell me today that he was seeing someone elsse towards the end while we were together.. yea i know i shouldnt have done what i did but at least i had the guts to tell him n be open and honest about it.
I am going to book counselling tomorrow because i have a lot of stuff i need to get over but so far things are looking up

Overheal

Hell yes. Kick life in the balls hope everything goes well OP. Personal Issues will be here if you need it.

Trinity

bopper718 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice i rang the samaritans on saturday night and they helped me put a lot of stuff into perspective, that n i had a really good cry yday, so im back to being happy me again, that n all the guilt of what i did to my ex is gone because he finally had the guts to tell me today that he was seeing someone elsse towards the end while we were together.. yea i know i shouldnt have done what i did but at least i had the guts to tell him n be open and honest about it.
I am going to book counselling tomorrow because i have a lot of stuff i need to get over but so far things are looking up

Hate to say i told you so!!

Now forget about him, lose the guilt and worry about yourself and look after yourself now and forget the past. Make a fresh start.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote: »

and forget the past. .

trinity1, it's easy knowing you likely haven't been abused or raped, as that is one of the idiotic patronising things you can say to someone who has been. if you've been raped, likely it'll be in your head always, so you can't just 'forget about it' even though (some) non-survivors somehow always think that that is great advice.

OP i know this has been pointed out already by a lot of other posters, but the thing you need to do is confront your past, confront your demons etc. it's **** hard and i'm still trying. i've already given up in conselling a couple of times but i'm trying to work myself up to going back. i keep telling myself it will be worth it in the long run, and i believe it will.

please try to believe that, please try to believe in YOU and the inner strength you haven't yet realised that you have. please stick with it. it'll be hard but worth it. as has already been said, personal issues is there anytime you need it. take care and stay strong hun.

RedXIV

reply wrote: »

trinity1, it's easy knowing you likely haven't been abused or raped, as that is one of the idiotic patronising things you can say to someone who has been. if you've been raped, likely it'll be in your head always, so you can't just 'forget about it' even though (some) non-survivors somehow always think that that is great advice.

Whoa, careful now, nothing wrong with a bit of support, which is what trinity1 was showing. If we were to wait for only people with experience in these issues to reply, PI would be pretty dead

Congrats OP on the better mindset, as Overheal stated already, we're always here if ya need us, we've nothing better to do (hope my boss doesn't read that )

Trinity

reply wrote: »

trinity1, it's easy knowing you likely haven't been abused or raped, as that is one of the idiotic patronising things you can say to someone who has been. if you've been raped, likely it'll be in your head always, so you can't just 'forget about it' even though (some) non-survivors somehow always think that that is great advice.

OP i know this has been pointed out already by a lot of other posters, but the thing you need to do is confront your past, confront your demons etc. it's **** hard atnd i'm still trying. i've already given up in conselling a couple of times but i'm trying to work myself up to going back. i keep telling myself it will be worth it in the long run, and i believe it will.

please try to believe that, please try to believe in YOU and the inner strength you haven't yet realised that you have. please stick with it. it'll be hard but worth it. as has already been said, personal issues is there anytime you need it. take care and stay strong hun.

You know nothing about me. At least i dont hide behind unreg to give my replies. I have attended counselling and yes, you face your demons and put it behind you. Thats what you do. Do you suggest brooding on it everyday for the rest of your life and using it as an excuse to f*ck up the rest of your life?

Possibly miss out on a great relationship cos you cant let the past go? She has already said its been affecting her life for years

We all have a past and dont assume you know mine.

I also said you have to be involved in your counselling for it to work. You can be a victim for the rest of your life if you want and its unfortuante that people hurt us so much that we are left picking up the pieces but you cannot change what happened you can only deal with it

Get off your high f*cking horse unreg and stop picking out the bits of my replies that suit you on your crusade.

My other reply was get counselling and face your demons. Forget the past was in relation to her guilt regarding her ex and this new guy she is pining after.

Trinity

RedXIV wrote: »

Whoa, careful now, nothing wrong with a bit of support, which is what trinity1 was showing. If we were to wait for only people with experience in these issues to reply, PI would be pretty dead

Congrats OP on the better mindset, as Overheal stated already, we're always here if ya need us, we've nothing better to do (hope my boss doesn't read that )

Thanks for that Red, but i do in fact feel 'qualified' as it were to reply to the OP. Why? Cos I am a fighter not a victim. I get my down days but I pick myself up and carry on.

I've done my counselling, CBT and now a psychiatrist. I live everyday of my life with with anxiety and panic attacks.

Yeah its hard but unlike unreg there i dont give up on it. So if my replies are not sugar coated its cos i dont like victims sitting on the internet saying its easier to end it all.

Thats not saying I dont have pity, but pity is more patronising than the truth. And the truth is you have to get up and do something about it. I'm not religious by any means but i do like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
Wisdom to know the difference.

LegacyUser

Wow,
im sorry i never meant for this to turn into arguments between people sorry.
btw im feeling great since saturday n am gonna start counselling next week, even though i feel better im gonna give it another shot and face up to some stuff- its not gonna be easy but hey anything gotta be better than this.
as for the guy im 'pining' after wouldnt quite go that far - yea it would be nice if something was to happen not really saying much more than that cos he was the one that suggested i post up here and he reads whats said so he knows how crazy i am now
but right now im not ready for relationship and im cool with that yay go being single

Trinity

bopper718 wrote: »

Wow,
im sorry i never meant for this to turn into arguments between people sorry.
btw im feeling great since saturday n am gonna start counselling next week, even though i feel better im gonna give it another shot and face up to some stuff- its not gonna be easy but hey anything gotta be better than this.
as for the guy im 'pining' after wouldnt quite go that far - yea it would be nice if something was to happen not really saying much more than that cos he was the one that suggested i post up here and he reads whats said so he knows how crazy i am now
but right now im not ready for relationship and im cool with that yay go being single

There is no arguement bopper, just someone taking me up wrong and thinking i dont mean well cos i am not giving group hugs.

Anyway you have taken the proper steps and i sincerely wish you well.