Need help

LegacyUser

Ok, gonna try and keep this short.
I'm a 35 year old guy and I'm afraid I'm still useless with the ladies.
My last relationship was over three years ago and when that ended I took a break from women that somehow turned into three years.
I used to be one of those real nice guys who could be a bit of a doormat. I realized over the years I had no confidence but worked on it and I'm a lot more confident in some way but still awful in others.
I decided this was the year to start dating again so I joined a few online dating sites and went speed dating a few times. The speed dating's not for me as I've gone three times with friends and each time they got matches and I got none so they were just confidence killers. I've dated 5 women since Jan and each has never once gone past two dates and they've always ended it and I'm convinced it's cause I'm still a 'nice guy'. Now unfortunately I've no idea how not to be. I'm not as bad as I used to be. I usually make the decisions of where to go, I can stand up for myself and I can even take the piss out of them a little and make them laugh it's just I think way too much and never make a move. I've been on 10 dates or so and I've only once kissed one girl once. I just can't shut off my brain, I start thinking 'should I' then I think 'no don't she might push you away or you'll look like a muppet or something' etc etc etc. The I just think 'ah just do nothing'.
Now I don't drink so I can't even have a few to relax myself. I'm not into the whole pub/club scene so most of my dates are usually a meal/comedy show/movie/gig sort of thing. I've been told that because I have this problem of not making a move that the women think I'm not interested and we then just become friends. Any and I mean anytime anything happened with a woman in my past it's always been the woman who made the first move.
Also I really don't have the ability of just chatting a girl up, again brain goes into overdrive if I just randomly meet someone and I can't think of anything to say. At least online I already have been communicating for awhile and know if they're into the same things as me.
I've read 'The Game' and various other types of pick up artist books but I just don't think that sort of guy is me.

RedXIV

Ok mate, lets see what we can do here.

1) Nice Guy is not a bad thing and to be bluntly honest, you sound like a fairly good catch for any woman so if we can get past these tiny stumbling blocks, we should be able to get you sorted.

2) The "game" and all that pick up stuff is NOT what you want to use to build a relationship with. Some of the skills it teaches are handy i'll grant you but look at the character Mystery in it, reputed to be one of the greatest pick up artists in the world. Miserable. You have good qualities, time to make them shine.

3) The "making a move" thing is hard, girls don't appreciate how hard but no matter how bad a date is going a guy will always reciprocate proposed intimacy. For a guy it always seems like a long shot. So in order to make sure you get the kiss, physical contact is a strong tool. If a hand tounchs an arm or a leg, for more than just a passing second, you'd be a tough person not to get a bit excited. Don't be afraid to be nice and flirty, they agreed to a date so thats the kind of action they should expect.

4) If it's getting near the end of the night and you still haven't even gotten a kiss, be cheeky, ask for one. "Don't i even get a kiss before you go?" see? easy. and if your feeling playful, show a cheek and as she goes in for it, turn your head and catch her lips. if she pulls away, laugh with a cheeky grin and say "no i'll be serious this time", then you should be set up.

5) Chatting up a woman in general isn't too hard. Just talk to them about something interesting to get their attention from the get go. After that, it's simply a case of taking an interest. Find out as much as possible as fast as you can, it will all help in keeping the conversation flowing. Take mental notes of things of interest said so when a lull in conversation happens, you have something to bring up.

Best of Luck OP

Red

Irishcrx

Couple of threads popping up here about this lately. Basicly mate it's what Red has said above, all this talk of good guy/bad guy really depends on the type of girl you go for. The lads that go out on the pull cocky/ self confidence playing the bad guy can pull a girl easily enough for a one night stand problem being their usually not the relationship type. I used to be extremely overconfident , bit of a an a** around girls, taking the piss etc and the girls would be easy, I don't even get it myself but I grew out of it and now I guess i'm the nice guy and it's much harder. My advice is be yourself never anything else , take a few chances you have nothing to loose, if you see a girl you like spark up a conversation about anything.

Think being turned down is better than never chatting at all and every one that doesn't work out is just one closer to the one that will.

Aurora Borealis

Just remember that the girl is quite possibly freaking out in her head wondering what she should do next too. If things do go well on a date a goodnight kiss is a good way to finish and her body language should tell you whether she wants more.


Best of luck.

LurkingLady

RedXIV wrote: »

if your feeling playful, show a cheek and as she goes in for it, turn your head and catch her lips.

Definitely not a good idea on a first date. First date is about building trust and attraction. A trick like that will make you lose a lot of points with a girl.

RedXIV wrote: »

If it's getting near the end of the night and you still haven't even gotten a kiss, be cheeky, ask for one. "Don't i even get a kiss before you go?"

Now, that's a MUCH better idea:) Shows you're interested (so, it's flattering to your date) and at the same time respectful but not an overly nice (read: spineless) guy

Best of luck OP, I'm sure you'll find a lady that appreciates you for who you are soon!

RedXIV

LurkingLady wrote: »

Definitely not a good idea on a first date. First date is about building trust and attraction. A trick like that will make you lose a lot of points with a girl.



Now, that's a MUCH better idea:) Shows you're interested (so, it's flattering to your date) and at the same time respectful but not an overly nice (read: spineless) guy

Best of luck OP, I'm sure you'll find a lady that appreciates you for who you are soon!

I appreciate all feedback, can only make me stronger

LegacyUser

Some things for me to try there. Thanks for the replies peeps.
I need to somehow make myself do the flirting and touching thing, might give my making a making a move more of a chance. The idea actually scares me which is so stupid I know.
This whole bad guy/nice guy thing is a pain in the @ss. I hate labels, I like to think I'm neither, I'm me. 'I am what I am' as Popeye would say. Ack ackackack ack
I'm doing better than I used to anyway. I used to be too scared to go on dates but not anymore so once I figure out this part I should be fine.......I hope.