Interracial relationships: Can they work ?

Rosso

I'm not Irish, even though I have been here for a good part of a decade. I went to university here and now considers Ireland my home.

I've never had an Irish girlfriend before. My ex was someone from home.

Anyway, I am working in a team of 4 people in my workplace since January, with me being the team leader. We'll be working together for the next 6 months. There's this girl in my team whom I've started to like not too long after we started working together, and she the same for me. Of course, we didn't realise that we liked each other until after about 3-4 months.

Anyway, I asked her out for a date in April, and she declined, saying that while she would really like to, it would be difficult and unprofessional since we are working so closely in a small team. However, she said that she would reconsider it again after 2 months, when we would stop being colleagues. It made sense to me and I accepted it

Since then, however, we've been increasingly texting each other outside of work, at first just a bit of flirting but over the past few weeks its become more and more intense and affectionate. I'm away from work now and she's texting me things, telling me how much she misses me, how much she wishes I'm here with her, how much she realises that she like me now that I am away etc etc

Then suddenly, out of the blue, things changed overnight, literally.She tells me she's being talking to her sister, who thinks its a bad idea going out with a foreign guy, for fear of a culture clash etc etc. And since then, the texts msging have become more and more 'subdued' ,so to speak, not at all affectionate, and very much infrequent. I suspect she's getting cold feet, about going out with someone who's foreign, and/or maybe some disapproval from her sister or other family members. I wanted to ask for a reason, but I dont want to sound needy and desperate for her attention/affection.

It will be a little less than a month before before we stop working together, and I suspect she would say no when I ask her out then, most probably for the reason above.

I was wondering, is there anyting I can do to convince her to at least give it a go? I mean, there's no doubt that we are attracted to each other for the past 4-5 months now. Will there be cultural differences? Of course, but I've lived here for almost 10 years and while I know that I will never look Irish, I'm quite familiar with the Irish way of life and have practically adopted it as my own. Communication is not a problem. English is my first language. I speak it to my family in English, and I think in English.

So guys/gals : Any advice? I really really do like this girl and would at least like to give it a go. I think it would be a pity if she takes the advice of her sister who havent even met me and does not know a thing about me.Thanks

Beruthiel

You don't say what country you originally come from?
You don't mention if you are very religious?
What cultural differences do you think you may have?

Daftendirekt

Maybe there's something else going on that she doesn't want to let you know about? If there is, you should maybe back off a little bit, make yourself less available, don't text her all the time, see other people, the usual stuff.

On the other hand, if she really is thinking of blowing you off just because you aren't Irish, then forget about her. She's a waste of time, and you can do better.

LurkingLady

Rosso wrote: »

She tells me she's being talking to her sister, who thinks its a bad idea going out with a foreign guy, for fear of a culture clash etc etc.

OP, how old is this girl? If her sister does her thinking for her then it's not the race/nationality that stands in the way of the relationship working out, but rather her immaturity.

To answer your the question from the thread title - yes, interracial relationship can and do work. I went out with a Nigerian man when I lived in London - didn't work out as we were at different stages in our lives (he was older and wanted to get married, I was freaked out by the mere thought of marriage) but I definitely remember him and our relationship very fondly. Now, I'm dating a Polish guy and things are as grand as they could be. Of course there are some cultural differences between us but then again there are cultural differences between people of the same race/nationality as well - they all stem from our upbringing! All in all, both of you must simply be willing to put a bit of an effort in a relationship to make it work but that's true of ALL relationships!

Things get complicated, though, if religions come into question - some beliefs might be irreconcilable but other than that I can't see why it could be less possible than any other relationship

As for how to persuade the girl to give it a try? Well, ask her out again and if she declines giving you the same reason just say that she can't lose anything giving it a try - who knows she might find it much easier than her sister told her it is

One way or another, good luck OP!

Beruthiel

LurkingLady wrote: »

OP, how old is this girl? If her sister does her thinking for her then it's not the race/nationality that stands in the way of the relationship working out, but rather her immaturity.

That's it in a nutshell really.
Different strong religious views is the only thing I can think of that would get in the way.

biko

I have several friends in interracial relationships and it seems most of the breakups/problems are just boy/girl stuff and have nothing to do with race/ background/ culture.
On the other hand I've a friend where several small culture clashes caused a major rift between them and eventually they separated (but on good terms).
I don't think race played as much part as how they were brought up.

If you can, start dating her and let her make her own mind up. Her sister shouldn't stand in the way of her happiness.

ambro25

Hang a sec'
Is it interracial, or just international? Not really clear from the OP (and responses in thread don't appear to distinguish).

Anti

Op We need moar socio-demographic infomation before we can even begin to understand.

MIN2511

It’s not about socio-demographic
I can relate to your situation, as a black female who is more (99.99%) attracted to Irish males but ½ times the lads run away because of cultural difference.
Some people don’t mind and others do, it’s all about preferences and unfortunately some people still play the race card in this day and age-sad I know but that is what it is. If she’s genuinely attracted to you it’s only a matter of time and she might change her mind.
Example; my friend is dating this bloke and although he has met her parents he has never been introduced as her bf (he can’t get over that) and he recently broke up with her because of cultural difference (after 18months of dating) she was gutted. He since realised he couldn't live without her(his words ) and he convinced her to give it another go

If you really like her, make your intentions (genuine we hope) known to her and after that there really isn’t much you can do…. She has to make up her mind on what she wants and if cultural difference is going to be an issue for her and her family then you should forget(I know it would be difficult) about her and move on

suppafly

I have good number friends that r married and very happy and are all interracial. Its sounds like yur ones sister either had some bad experience with a foreign guy or she just has something against foreigners. If thats the case there probably isn't much u can do as that type of narrow mindedness doesn't go away else and is usually very ingrained. Hopefully she see sense and thinks for herself and it works out for u

seahorse

LurkingLady wrote: »

OP, how old is this girl? If her sister does her thinking for her then it's not the race/nationality that stands in the way of the relationship working out, but rather her immaturity.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

OP, do you really want to be with somebody who runs to her family every time she has a personal decison to make? I know it wouldnt be a quality I'd be looking for in a partner...

MIN2511

seahorse wrote: »

That's exactly what I was thinking.

OP, do you really want to be with somebody who runs to her family every time she has a personal decison to make? I know it wouldnt be a quality I'd be looking for in a partner...

It's not age, adults act like kids....

It's a decision she has to make for herself, but she would put factors(family acceptance e.t.c.) into consideration afterall they are part of her life. She wouldn't want to give up all of that when she isn't dating him and there is nothing serious about it atm

RealistSpy

Ah my only advice to to leave her for a little while I know its hard trust me I know. Hopefully after a while she would realise that its her life not her sisters.

I am in engaged after years of being with different girls and most of them ending because am a different race. Not usually the girls dicision but usually of the parent.

But the weiredest thing is that me and my partner are opposite and we are working out great with a little kid aswell. She is white am black, she is not religious I am, She hates most things I like etc. The only thing we both love we can't both stop talking we chat a lot.

Good luck mate. don't give up she will realise her mistake hope it won't be too late though.

Asiaprod

ambro25 wrote: »

Hang a sec'
Is it interracial, or just international? Not really clear from the OP (and responses in thread don't appear to distinguish).

Very important difference to be honest. In my experience, interracial relationships are the more difficult to deal with. Have had a few relationships with both denominations, had a great time. Now married for 20 years to a Japanese wife with 1 teenage daughter. Do these relationships work out...for sure they do. I will never change mine, and don't regret a single day. They do however take a lot of work. Even the smallest cultural issue can have a huge impact. And you want to talk about cultural issues, look no further than Japan. The mother, a different religion than the both than us, and her friends, were dead against the union from a cultural perspective. They were convinced a foreigner could never adapt to the Japanese lifestyle. The now-wife put them in there place:). The parents were given a choice: agree to the union and we would live in Japan, disagree and she was moving back to Ireland with me. I do love strong women:D We are happy and I wold say at least 80% of our friends are all in interracial marriages or relationships. As long as the busybodies stay out it, or are kept out of it, these relationships are amazing and very rewarding.

Another major issue we faced culturally was that my wife was a typical non-active Buddhist (most Japanese fall into this category of lucky visits to the temples), I was a lapsed Catholic, we both solved that by becoming active Buddhists. Where there is a will there is a way. We do still have one issue I cannot solve, I would consider mine an interracial marriage, while my wife insists we are international:o WTF, what ever keeps the peace.

Just an idea. If you are really into this person why not invite both herself and her sister out for dinner.

MagicMarker

If she won't date you because of your country of origin, then is she really worth pursuing? I would have thought not.

Rosso

Sorry for the infrequent postings. Like I said, am out of the country and at the moment I can get internet access only at my local StarBucks

Beruthiel wrote: »

That's it in a nutshell really.
Different strong religious views is the only thing I can think of that would get in the way.

Well, I was born and raised Catholic, although I stopped practising years ago. She's not very religious at all.

Beruthiel wrote: »

You don't say what country you originally come from?
What cultural differences do you think you may have?

I am malaysian in origin, ethnically chinese. We are not a very 'cultural' family, if u know what I, not that crazy about traditional chinese ceremonies etc etc. Parents speak fluent English, its their first language too. We celebrate Christmas (10 years in Ireland and no one still makes an X'mas turkey like my mother does). So cultural clashes, I htink would be minimal, but I do know culture is more complex than that. But my sister married an Australian guy, and we all get along great! My uncle's wife is English, lived in Malaysia for 35 years and won't go back!

Anti wrote: »

Op We need moar socio-demographic infomation before we can even begin to understand.

Hope I gave u enough info above. Although I am about 6 years older. Am 30, she's 24. both professionals.



OP, do you really want to be with somebody who runs to her family every time she has a personal decison to make? I know it wouldnt be a quality I'd be looking for in a partner...[/QUOTE]

I know...but thing is I really do like her a lot.and would like to convince her to give it a go

MIN2511

Right...

Go get her then, when you get back arrange drinks e.t.c and talk to her about it and if she still doesn't budge there isn't much any of us can do....

I really feel your pain, and i totally know where you are coming from...

All the best!

AARRRGH

I think the novelty factor of being with a racially different person plays a significant role in interracial relationships.

"Ohh I'm with a Japanese girl, she's so different than the orange Irish women I'm used to".

This is magnified if she can't speak English too well.

I think this causes the relationship to develop slightly differently than a same race relationship. From my own experience, it makes you more patient when it comes to personality differences. On the negative side I think it makes you overlook some basic "we're not suited for each other" issues because having sex with a racially different person is a lot of fun.

MIN2511

Very true dublindude... I for sure am frowned at because i choose to date Irish men, some people use it against me while arguing... Thank God i stopped caring!
Oh and yeah, having sex with racially different person is fun!

D-Generate

My ex's Mum was Malaysian in origin but ethnically Chinese and she married an Irish guy decades ago now, so if it was acceptable back then it surely is now. When I was going out with her daughter, who is half Chinese, there was nothing unusual about it, never got any hassle or grief because of it. We broke up so I guess our interracial relationship didn't work but it wasn't anything to do about me being Irish or her being Chinese. Her brother has been dating an Irish girl for quite some time now, race is not going to be an issue. Besides you are probably better off not being a girl who can't form independent opinions and only adopts her sisters viewpoints.

AARRRGH

MIN2511 wrote: »

Very true dublindude... I for sure am frowned at because i choose to date Irish men, some people use it against me while arguing... Thank God i stopped caring!
Oh and yeah, having sex with racially different person is fun!

Yeah, people definitely look at white man + black woman in a weird way. A friend of mine from Kenya, we would sometimes walk around town with our arms linked. I would often hear people commenting "he mustn't be Irish".

I think it'll be a while before interracial relationships are totally accepted in Ireland. It used to (< 5 years ago) be seen as shameful (in certain parts of Dublin) if a girl got pregnant by a black guy. Retarded.

SuperGrover

I am an Irish bloke. My wife is Chinese Malaysian. It's a great relationship. This girl sounds a bit stupid.

CathyMoran

I really cant see the problem with an interracial relationship. Two of my best friends were ethnic Chinese (one unfortunatly died since) and I had a massive crush on one of them for years. He has since settled for another Irish girl. I agree with other posters that the girl is either stupid or incredibly nieve.

MIN2511

You can't see it but some people still and would always have issues with it-shame but such is the world we live in these days

aislingm137

I think her sister is stupid? If you love a person, you love a person doesnt matter what race, culture or religion they are. Iam Irish and I know there are many many Irish people that are clanish and they dont want to relate to foreigners or even people they dont know or people who think with their own mind. I think maybe its alot because of fear of the unknown the unfimiliar because what you dont know is scarey. well Good luck with it all

Rosso

aislingm137 wrote: »

Iam Irish and I know there are many many Irish people that are clanish and they dont want to relate to foreigners or even people they dont know or people who think with their own mind. I think maybe its alot because of fear of the unknown the unfimiliar because what you dont know is scarey. well Good luck with it all

Well that could be true. I lived in Dublin for a good few years and I guess because its a bigger city and more cosmopolitan, I dont get that 'fear of foreigners/culture-clashes' attitude very often. I meet more open minded people who are curious and wanting to know more about your life and culture (they are still baffled however, when I tell them English is my first language..lol). I got asked out by a cpl of Irish girls, flirted with a few , but nothing ever come of it because either I was still attached, they weren't my type, or I didn't have the balls to ask the out

However, I've moved to a city much smaller than Dublin for the past year, and she comes from an even smaller town a cpl of hours outside the city, so I guess me being foreign still scares her a bit.

Just hope she would give it a go though. It will be 3 more weeks before we stop being colleagues and I am going to ask her out again then.......

gixerfixer

If she wont date you because you are from a certain race,country,colour etc.....then she is a racist and the relationship isnt worth considering.

MIN2511

gixerfixer wrote: »

If she wont date you because you are from a certain race,country,colour etc.....then she is a racist and the relationship isnt worth considering.

She isn't racist! Life is a matter of choice, her choosing not to date him is her choice!

Cateym

It's unfortunate that she is prepared to pay attention to someone else's opinions about interracial relationships. She is old enough to make her own decisions. Perhaps you should ask her straight out why her attitude towards you has cooled?

My aunt advised me not to marry someone "too different". She has been married twice, the second a German guy. She said that the cultural differences between someone from Ireland and Germany are quite broad and that this had a major part to play in the collapse of her relationship (not sure I quite believe that though ) I would not pay attention to her in slightest This girl needs to make her own mind up and not be lending her ear to people.