Please help :/

AckwelFoley

I really need some advice..


Its my ex, we were together for near on 8 years and broke up last year. I love the woman to bits.. always will.. im a bit of a one trick pony like that..

As some of you are aware if you read the Long term illness forum, i suffer from severe Bi polar depression, i spent time in hospital in November after almost blowing my head off (nice choice of words!), i was out of work for a long time, wnet back to work and was treated like a leaper by managment because i disclosed mycondition to them when i went out sick.

Thing now is that i do keep in contact with my ex, and we are great friends.. but she is now going through a very severe breakdown.. i know what it looks like.. because it was me a few months back. She has before being diagnosed with depression and was on meds but after time stopped and was doing fine, she was never as screwed up as me.. but now she is real real bad.. she has a great job, her dream job, in the legal profession, and doind some work for the supreme court judges and the department of foreign affairs, her life is great but her head is not.. im there for her, she rings me late at night sobbing and crying, ive told her to ring me any time she wants, even at night,.. but there is only so much talking i can do.

Her therapist refuses to see her anymore because she says she needs to go to hospital or to a doctor to get treated.. im pleading with her to go on friday, i cant get her to go before then.. im pretty worried about her.. i still love her to bits, but i know we would never work out, which makes it so difficult to watch her go so low. She has lost all hope, she wont talk to her family because they have been through it before with their other daughter.. im tempted to ring them and let them know, because i know they will help, but im afraid that if i do that i will betrat her trust and isolate myself from her, when she needs me most...

Any ideas?

Lil' Smiler

Hey Snyper,

Will she not go to a hospital or to see a doctor herself?If so, why not?

It would strike me in a way that it is 1) Unprofessional for the Therapist to refuse to see her and
2) If she knows she has a (maybe a bad choice of word) problem/issues and she is seeing a Therapist..why won't she go to another Dr?

To be honest I don't know what to do, it's always so difficult in considering whether to contact the family in these sorts of situations. It could work out good or bad for the person involved.

AckwelFoley

Lil' Smiler wrote: »

Hey Snyper,

Will she not go to a hospital or to see a doctor herself?If so, why not?

It would strike me in a way that it is 1) Unprofessional for the Therapist to refuse to see her and
2) If she knows she has a (maybe a bad choice of word) problem/issues and she is seeing a Therapist..why won't she go to another Dr?

To be honest I don't know what to do, it's always so difficult in considering whether to contact the family in these sorts of situations. It could work out good or bad for the person involved.

When i was in the situation and nearing "the end" i had given up fighting, lost all hope.. knew things would eventually get better but just couldnt live with the pain anymore,, i think thats could be th reason.. people get sick and tired fighting

And yes i agree, the therapist is only looking out for her own interests, who wants a patient that are high risk of suicide.. wouldnt want that mark on their records :mad:

carolmon

Hi Snyper
where are you based?

there's an excellent service in West Dublin called Pieta house for those at risk from suicide or self harm, they will see your friend every day until she is through the worst of her crisis or makes decisions re hospitalisation/ treatment.

It's not a service your average counsellor can offer.

hope she gets the help she needs soon, and you make sure you take care of yourself too in this situation, you are only recently through your own wars.

Whispered

Hey snyper, nobody knows better then you what your ex is going through but from my personal experience I would tell her family.

I had a very close friend who suffered from depression, one day he rang me calling me all the names under the sun because his sister asked if everything was ok, that he hadn't been himself, so, I being the only person who knew, had "obviously" told her. He told me he was going to kill himself now, to get me back for telling (which I hadn't). I pleaded, begged etc and he eventually decided to believe me. Needless to say after that incident, I was terrified to tell anyone in case it pushed him to suicide.

We broke up, but I kept in touch to try support him, every little problem he had was his new reason to kill himself. A year later he, (as you so nicely put it ) blew his head off. For 4 years I did my best for him, for nothing. He killed himself and I got the blame. I don't remember anything of our relationship or the years before it. A huge chunk of my life has gone missing and my ONLY regret is not telling his family. You can't - and shouldn't - deal with this alone. Tell someone who cares about her.

charliecon

Snyper speaking as the parent of a sufferer I think you should tell her family.You should not be trying to shoulder this on your own and judging from what you say I don't believe that she will be upset with you but even if she is it will be only temporary.Your friend needs help NOW and if she won't listen to you then I think you are morally bound to tell someone who she will listen to. Better to have a former friend than a dead one.

Wibbs

snyper wrote: »

but there is only so much talking i can do.

I think you nailed it right there mate. There is only so much talking you can do. While you being at the other end of the phone is supporting her on the surface, I'm not so sure it's actually helping her and more to the point helping you. I think helena.ryan puts it best.

I think if her therapist is refusing to help her* then you need to inform others that can help, in this case her family. Yes she may feel betrayed, but she sounds like she's in a very dangerous frame of mind now and needs the right help and she needs it now. charliecon has made good points.

She's not going to snap out of this without help.

There's no better man than you to see this as you've lived it.

I think helena.ryan situation is not somethig you need to go through. No one should.






*Morally and professionally highly dubious IMHO, essentially washing her hands of someone that vulnerable. Beggars belief. If she's that concerned about your exes current state, the least she could do is actually directly refer her or god forbid go with her to someone better qualified to help.

RedXIV

Hey Snyper, Just echoing what the others said above me, I had a situation comparable to this and tried to keep it quiet at their request but in the end caved in and told her family. She wouldn't talk to me for about 4 months but thanks to the support she got from her family, she's back on track, even forgave my horrendous transgression

Going it alone is tough, the more support the better

All the best

Red

Beruthiel

snyper wrote: »

She has lost all hope, she wont talk to her family because they have been through it before with their other daughter.. im tempted to ring them and let them know, because i know they will help, but im afraid that if i do that i will betrat her trust and isolate myself from her, when she needs me most...

That's waaay too much pressure on just one person. Especially considering you are trying to get over the fact that you're relationship is over.
You're stuck in limbo, closure is very difficult under those circumstances.

Speaking as a parent, if my kid was going through this, I'd absolutely want to know.
Her family love her and will bend over backwards to do what is best for her. Tell them.
You cannot worry about betraying her trust with regards to this, it's just too serious.
She is beyond knowing what is best for her, this needs to be taken out of her hands.
Short term, she maybe pissed at you, long term she will look back with gratitude.

AckwelFoley

thanks alot guys for your advice.

Much appreciated. Im calling her 5 times a day and we are having some chit chat... she seems to like that and seems a little more perkey.. ive found that weekends are ofter worse.. less activity i suppose..

Roxanne

I'm a newbie here but I couldn't read this and not reply.

I agree that you should definitely tell her family if you are sure they would be supportive. Firstly this is too much for you to shoulder all on your own. You are being a great friend but this girls needs some professional help fast and if it takes getting her family involved for this to happen then I think you should make the move and tell them whats going on. I'm sure they would be devasted if they knew their daughter was going through this without them knowing. She may be angry with you at first but in the long run she will thank you for it and see that you only had her best interests at heart. And you never know, deep down she probably would be happy if her family got involved but maybe just can't bring herself to go to them, poor girl.

I hope it all works out. You are brilliant friend and this girl is lucky to have you.