You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes, new work, please critique

redarmyblues

[FONT=&quot]This is a very rough draft of something I knocked up in my head last night in bed. all comments particularly critical ones are welcome

You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes.

[/FONT] You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes,
There is flour in your hair,
Blame it on the second Gin,
And those white wines to begin,
When you had lunch with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladies who Lurch are in”.

Maben’s mother woke you up,
Lifted your head out of the mixing bowl,
And put you to bed.
When you came to,
At half past eight,
You said you wished that you were dead,
And meant it too.

Wantobe

Really very good indeed. Just the right mix of darkness and humour.

redarmyblues

Thanks wantobe, I am not completely happy with it, it needs to be polished up a bit.

davyjose

Awesome

redarmyblues

Awesome not, but thanks anyway Davy.

elleA

redarmyblues wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]This is a very rough draft of something I knocked up in my head last night in bed. all comments particularly critical ones are welcome

You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes.

[/FONT] You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes,
There is flour in your hair,
Blame it on the second Gin,
And those white wines to begin,
When you had lunch with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladies who Lurch are in”.

Maben’s mother woke you up,
Lifted your head out of the mixing bowl,
And put you to bed.
When you came to,
At half past eight,
You said you wished that you were dead,
And meant it too.

The title grabbed me straight away. I love titles that are a line from the poem, especially unusual ones instead of "My poor sad heart" or something like that, because I think the repetition stirs the mind. Very effective.
So I read your poem...and re-read it...and read it again and each time I was glad I did. Such striking dark lines mixed with humour. The rhyme is very effective too. The only slight negative about if for me is that visually, it looks a little uneven. Also, I've never heard of the name Maben so it caught me and put me off ever so slightly the first time I read it...but I got over it.
I think if you could even up the line lengths to make the two verses match visually then this poem would be stunning on every level. Thank you for sharing. I'm really glad I got the chance to read this.

redarmyblues

redarmyblues wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]This is a very rough draft of something I knocked up in my head last night in bed. all comments particularly critical ones are welcome

You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes.

[/FONT] You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes,
There is flour in your hair,
Blame it on the second Gin,
And those white wines to begin,
When you had lunch with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladies who Lurch are in”.

Maebh’s mother woke you up,
Lifted your head
out of the mixing bowl,
And put you to bed.
When you came to,
At half past eight,
You said you wished
that you were dead,
And meant it too.

Thanks Ellea. Maben was a typo it was meant to be Maebh. I have made an alteraration to line lengths in the second verse. What do you think?

caterpillargirl

Love it! The imagery is so evocative.
The mix of sugary domestic mama thwarted by 'mothers ruin' and the passive despair is gripping!
Actually like Maben, keep the typo, more international!
:cool:

sitout

shirley valentine meets Hyacinth bucket! I thought it was lovely and dark in equal measures. Well done.

pookie82

I think this is the first genuinely good piece I've ever read on here!! Well done, read and re-read it. Brilliant.

redarmyblues

Thanks for the encouragement peeps.

AbitDramatic

Wow

Shad0r

really liked it.

Matt Holck

You fell asleep baking fairy cakes
with flour in your hair.
Blame it on the second Gin
when you had lunch with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“lurching ladies are now what's in”.

The mother of Maybal
lifted your head
out of the mixing bowl
and put you to bed.

At half past eight
when you came to,
you wished for death
and meant it too.

*shuffles a bit*

lmtduffy

I really liked it,

though if you can try get rid of names, I find there's generally little use of including names unless there relevant later.

If you can change it do if you cant its still quiet good.

Matt Holck

redarmyblues wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]This is a very rough draft of something I knocked up in my head last night in bed. all comments particularly critical ones are welcome

You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes.

[/FONT] You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes,
There is flour in your hair,
Blame it on the second Gin,
And those white wines to begin,
When you had lunch with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladies who Lurch are in”.

Maben’s mother woke you up,
Lifted your head out of the mixing bowl,
And put you to bed.
When you came to,
At half past eight,
You said you wished that you were dead,
And meant it too.

lmtduffy wrote: »

I really liked it,

though if you can try get rid of names, I find there's generally little use of including names unless there relevant later.

If you can change it do if you cant its still quiet good.

names add a specific making the poem seem more real

names are easy to rhyme

redarmyblues

The names are intended to place the poem in a particular millieu. If I said Diego's mother or Sharon's mother woke you up it would change the poem completely because you would have different expectations of the mothers of children thus named.

Insect Overlord

Excellent work red, I don't know how I failed to read it before now. It really captures a deep sentiment, something that is very difficult to do both originally and meaningfully.

lmtduffy

because something is easy to rhyme doesn't mean its a good thing.


and names can add context but so can dropping the name of the place in in a similar way this explains the context by giving us a pretext.
which can or can not be a good thing.
if the pretext has some function(for lack of a better word) later in the poem thats understandable.
I find with poetry every word is very important and if you cant justify every word then it shouldn't be there.

its like in a story instead of illustrating emotions or motives through actions and interaction's you just give everyone an internal monologue to explain exactly how there feeling.


the more I read this poem the more I think it works the way it is, but I feel I oughta clarify my point. Im not really aiming this at this poem in particular just at how names can be used in poems.

but consider how it reads this way.
do the names take much away from the story or the character?


You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes.

You fell asleep while baking fairy cakes,
There is flour in your hair,
Blame it on the second Gin,
And those white wines to begin,
When ye had lunch .
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladies who Lurch are in”.

When you were woken up,
your head lifted out of the mixing bowl,
and you were put to bed.
When you came to,
At half past eight,
You said you wished that you were dead,
And meant it too.

redarmyblues

When I wrote the poem I gave Megan's mother and Claire a back story (in my head) The names are important here they are there to to establish the characters.

If I was to say Diego's mother woke you up, perhaps you would expect the poem to begin.

You fell asleep while cooking Meth,
Set fire to your hair,
Blame it on that second shot,
After which you lost the plot,
When you banged up with Clare.

Drop the prententious "i" from Claire and you have a new range of possibilities. But this version does not work well as a poem as it is merely an iteration of middle class prejudices and without the tensions I hope are inherent in the original. I suppose it would go on to say

Diego's mother put you out,
Then robbed your bag,

Who can finish it?

lmtduffy

well we cant see into your head only what you give us so the back story's are of little relevance unless you decide to expand the poem or something.

Establishing the characters is all well and good if there gonna be present but the poem is understandable with out the names.

To argue that certain names create contexts means your relying on stereotypes.

Insect Overlord

lmtduffy wrote: »

well we cant see into your head only what you give us so the back story's are of little relevance unless you decide to expand the poem or something.

Establishing the characters is all well and good if there gonna be present but the poem is understandable with out the names.

To argue that certain names create contexts means your relying on stereotypes.

This is a valid point, but I'd have to say I like the poem more with the names left in. Instead of having just one focal point, the names mean you can put the central character into a more social context. By knowing the names of the people around her it's easier to relate to the impact of her actions. The sad state of the woman is driven home because it's contrasted with the more noble behaviour of a personalised character, Maebh's mother, rather than the faceless action of being put to bed.

lmtduffy

yup I agree it works in this poem I was referring to the general use of names in poems.

redarmyblues

I don't want to over analyse this poem but You have to ask yourself what set of circumstances led to Maebh's mother doing the waking up and how does affect the narrative.

I don't want to seem contentious but I also disagree with the objection to the use of names in general. The entire ballad system depends on the use of names. And if I think back to some of my favourite poems at school, Ozymandias, On first looking into Chapmans Homer, we have names.

lmtduffy

okay what if I said I was referring to the general mis-use of names in poems.

Matt Holck

names usually aren chosen for rhyme

shiv

i like the idea of knocking something up in my head...
good job. i would lose some of the rhyming though, feels it takes away from the overall effect.

pickarooney

I much prefer it with the name in, and I really liked Maben, the original typo.

The only thing that grates is the 'to begin' in line four, it feels off for some reason. That, and the capital L in 'Lurch'.

BTW, what's pretentious about the 'i' in 'Claire?

redarmyblues

pickarooney wrote: »

I much prefer it with the name in, and I really liked Maben, the original typo.

The only thing that grates is the 'to begin' in line four, it feels off for some reason. That, and the capital L in 'Lurch'.

BTW, what's pretentious about the 'i' in 'Claire?

I suppose I meant the superfluous I in Claire.
The capital L in Lurch is a typo.
I am happy enough with line four I thinks it helps the narrative to unfold.
I am less happy with the couplet at the end of the first verse I feel it takes away form the overall rhythm of the piece.
Thank you very much for your feedback.

pickarooney

redarmyblues wrote: »

I suppose I meant the superfluous I in Claire.
The capital L in Lurch is a typo.
I am happy enough with line four I thinks it helps the narrative to unfold.
I am less happy with the couplet at the end of the first verse I feel it takes away form the overall rhythm of the piece.
Thank you very much for your feedback.

How about:
And those white wines to begin,
With when you lunched with Claire.
Remember how the Barman grinned,
“The ladyfolk who lurch are in”.

The metre is kept a little more fluid, albeit with a slight rollercoaster/John-aldridge-penalty-run-up pause at the beginning of line 5.

'Claire' meaning 'clear' is the more common spelling, but I don't see that it makes any difference to the poem.