OH's and your family

scoot on

So girls, would it bother you if your OH wasn't big into doing things with your family? Or are you of the view the he's going out with you and not your family?

Lil' Smiler

My ex never came with me to one family thing.. we were together nearly 3 years. really used to upset me because I always made the effort for him, i used to travel from galway to dublin on weekends and put my social life and plans on hold to be with him at family things. he didn't come to one of mine, bar my 18th birthday dinner with my parents. it's not as if he didn't know anyone because for nearly 6 months we lived together in my home so he was familiar with extended family.

My OH really impressed me by coming to my uncle 60th party in may. i was really happy that he made the effort to go down to Roscommon with me, he'll also call into me when i'm babysitting my 3 younger cousins and makes the effort to talk to them etc.

So on that note, yes it would bother me if he didn't make the effort. I don't think it's anything to do with that he's going out with me and not the family. i just think it's nice and family things can be very boring and he really made a big difference at the 60th and my family just fell in love with him all over again! Also I just like to show him off coz i loves him and i think he's great!:D

CathyMoran

It would really bother me if he did not get on with my dad in particular as we are best friends, so it would be an insult on a very personal level. Luckily he does but I did find it harder to get on with his family at first as there are so many of them and his parents are ultra-conservative. I do try a lot harder now. I think that you can have a sucessful relationship without getting on with the family but it is a lot harder.

Crumble Froo

he gets on with my little sister, they used to PM each other on nationstates all the time, sometimes he'd even be able to give me a heads up when i hadnt seen her for a while, and she was missing me, or going through some stuff, which was pretty cool. but i'd happily live without my folks ever meeting him.

Weidii

Yeah, family is so important to me, I would definately prefer end up with someone who was able to talk to them and get along with them. Basically I wouldn't like to think that I couldn't leave the OH alone in a room with my family.

watna

My bf gets on well with my parents which is great and he's very good about coming to family things. My dad doesn't really get on with my mum's side of the family and stays away from all but the biggest events. I've seen how it upsets my mum in the past and I always said I didn't want that with my partner.

I only met my bfs parents 3 weeks ago when I arrived in NZ. I made a big effort as my bf had been so good with my family, even when they weren't super welcoming in the beginning.They were really nice and were obviously really pleased to meet me and have my bf back in the country. I have to say though. I found them really hard work. they're very trying and I was exhausted after a few hours in their company. They're just really different to my family and oddly enough to my bf. It's quite complicated but they've done a few strange things since we've arrived in NZ and luckily my bf is exasperated with it so it's not me thinking it. I'm still going to make an effort when I can but I can slightly see it being hard in the future. It has made me think more of my bf, that he turned out quite well adjusted even though his family are unusual.

RubyXI

Two years, and my bf has never even met my family. I just keep those two parts of my life seperate.

Crumble Froo

i envy you.

*Lees*

My family are really easy to get on with and they would make anyone feel welcome so if my boyfriend didn't get along with them something would have been very wrong!! He does make an effort when it comes to family stuff and he always helps out when any of them need a favour! It's very important to me that my family like who I'm going out with so if he didn't make the effort it would be a deal breaker for me!

Pigletlover

My boyfriend gets on great with my family. I'd even say a bit too well, whenever we stay in my parents or they come to visit us he spends the night playing the Playstation with my dad and brother, it drives me and my mam mad. Like *Lees*, my parents would be very welcoming too so it would be strange if he couldn't get on with them.

watna

watna wrote: »

My bf gets on well with my parents which is great and he's very good about coming to family things. My dad doesn't really get on with my mum's side of the family and stays away from all but the biggest events. I've seen how it upsets my mum in the past and I always said I didn't want that with my partner.

I only met my bfs parents 3 weeks ago when I arrived in NZ. I made a big effort as my bf had been so good with my family, even when they weren't super welcoming in the beginning.They were really nice and were obviously really pleased to meet me and have my bf back in the country. I have to say though. I found them really hard work. they're very trying and I was exhausted after a few hours in their company. They're just really different to my family and oddly enough to my bf. It's quite complicated but they've done a few strange things since we've arrived in NZ and luckily my bf is exasperated with it so it's not me thinking it. I'm still going to make an effort when I can but I can slightly see it being hard in the future. It has made me think more of my bf, that he turned out quite well adjusted even though his family are unusual.

The most important thing in a non-ideal situation like that is that you have your bfs support.
So you have the choice as to how much of an influenece, you want these people to be in your life.
You'll be fine!

watna

Moonbaby wrote: »

The most important thing in a non-ideal situation like that is that you have your bfs support.
So you have the choice as to how much of an influenece, you want these people to be in your life.
You'll be fine!

Aww thanks moonbaby! You're right at least my bf and I can talk about it without him getting annoyed. You know how people can be when it comes to talking about their family. They can say whatever they want but you have to be careful! My OH has quite an objective view so it's all good!

They live over three hours away so we'll be back there for a weekend every month or so which I've no problem with. Any more than that and there'll be all sorts of problems raining down on us!

All of my family love him to pieces and he met the family after two months at a dinner party my mam held for him and he met the rest at a family wedding
He's like me really , loves them but they can grate on the nerves after a while

Taco Corp

CathyMoran wrote: »

It would really bother me if he did not get on with my dad in particular as we are best friends, so it would be an insult on a very personal level. Luckily he does but I did find it harder to get on with his family at first as there are so many of them and his parents are ultra-conservative. I do try a lot harder now. I think that you can have a sucessful relationship without getting on with the family but it is a lot harder.

Sorry to hijack this, but I have a question. Just how important is this this bit, your boyfriend getting on with your father? I never got on with my ex's father. Chalk and cheese to say the least. Although she never said it, I think that was the main reason she broke up with me. I always found it very strange how close they were. I mean it just seemed "wrong" some of the time. Would you go clothes shopping with your dad for example?

Anyway it just something I don't really understand. I did try to but could never get my head around it.

Maple

Family is hugely important to me and as a result of my parents divorce i'm extremely close to my siblings. It would be imperative that my partner would understand my wanting to spend time with them and also that he be there for important family occasions.

Papillon87

Surley wrote: »

Sorry to hijack this, but I have a question. Just how important is this this bit, your boyfriend getting on with your father? I never got on with my ex's father. Chalk and cheese to say the least. Although she never said it, I think that was the main reason she broke up with me. I always found it very strange how close they were. I mean it just seemed "wrong" some of the time. Would you go clothes shopping with your dad for example?

Anyway it just something I don't really understand. I did try to but could never get my head around it.

I've been thinking about starting a thread on something similar re my ex and the whole family thing within a relationship. Like you, I pretty much found out that his family were instigators in his splitting up with me... apparently they "knew" I wasn't the one for him, how very insighful of them. Also my shyness was listed as a reason..something that meant we weren't "compatible long term" because his sister had a problem with my being shy. I was never shy around him, but a little around his family. Please note he initially gave me a complete load of sh*te about why we were breaking up, quite a crass and tasteless lie actually, but I shall not go into it!


I was thrown into meeting the family as he lives with his elder sister, the other sister (married with a kid) also decided to take up residency in the house for 2 months this year (without the husband) and his mother owns the house and pays their rent for them and was always around. I made a big effort to chat and be sociable around them, which is hard for me with people I don't know, but I had thought I had relaxed quite a bit. On the other hand, he made excuses for not meeting my family all the time, yet it was ok for me to hang out with his 24/7. ROLLEYES

I might start that thread later.

helimachoptor

Get on very well with all of my Gf's family. Myself and her dad get on very well, get on ok with her mam though the last couple of years i've realised that she isnt exactly a nice person so i try to steer clear.

Get on well with her sisters and have 2 of them living with us at present :eek:.

Her extended family are cool too, we usually babysit her godson and his 2 older brothers once every couple of months for a weekend and its good fun.

Her and my mam get on well, my brother has yet to master the art of communication using anything but grunts, so i'll keep you updated on that!

scoot on

Surley wrote: »

Sorry to hijack this, but I have a question. Just how important is this this bit, your boyfriend getting on with your father? I never got on with my ex's father. Chalk and cheese to say the least. Although she never said it, I think that was the main reason she broke up with me. I always found it very strange how close they were. I mean it just seemed "wrong" some of the time. Would you go clothes shopping with your dad for example?

Anyway it just something I don't really understand. I did try to but could never get my head around it.

I would NEVER go clothes shopping with my dad. But we are very close. Our family is a bit odd in that the girls are very sporty but the boys aren't. I think that's the reason i'm so close to my dad.
My bf hates family things, not just mine even his own family occassions. They are a close enough family now but I know growing up there probably wasn't many things they did together. This is completley different to how I was brought up.
At the start of our relationship he'd come to family things with me even though I know he hated the thought of them. In the last few years I can't get him to anything. Every family event (with my family) I have to go to on my own. And then I get the "where's ****" question. It's not that he doesn't get on with my family, he does (when he sees them) he just has this shyness in him that makes him hate those things.
Anyway, long story short, i'm trying to decide if this is something that I can put up with long term. It's been long term enough as it is!! It's a massive decision to make.

armour87

helimachoptor wrote: »

Get on very well with all of my Gf's family. Myself and her dad get on very well, get on ok with her mam though the last couple of years i've realised that she isnt exactly a nice person so i try to steer clear.

Get on well with her sisters and have 2 of them living with us at present :eek:.

Her extended family are cool too, we usually babysit her godson and his 2 older brothers once every couple of months for a weekend and its good fun.

Her and my mam get on well, my brother has yet to master the art of communication using anything but grunts, so i'll keep you updated on that!

Ditto :eek:

Piste

Couldn't really care either way!

Taco Corp

scoot on wrote: »

I would NEVER go clothes shopping with my dad. But we are very close.

Thank god i'm not the only one who thinks that is weird. I can however understand that you would be close to your dad.

The shopping bit tho, is there anyone that can explain that to me? the only reason i can think of is that he used to pay

mollybird

well lucky for me my OH gets on great with my family. and i get on great with his. he puts the effort in and pretty much never says no when i ask him if he wants to come down with me the odd time when going down home unlike my ex.

watna

Surley wrote: »

Thank god i'm not the only one who thinks that is weird. I can however understand that you would be close to your dad.

The shopping bit tho, is there anyone that can explain that to me? the only reason i can think of is that he used to pay

I go clothes shopping with my dad but only to make him buy new clothes. He wears things til they fall apart so me and my mum have to intervene. I just tell him exasperatedely, Dad you're a wealthy man, buy your self some non-holey clothes!

We don't look at clothes for me on these expeditions.for three reasons (apart from that it is a little weird!)

a) he wouldn't tolerate it
b) he would get bored and annoy me so much I'd scream!
c) he would go on about the cost of things and how shocking they were - my mum still lies about how much things she bought cost to him, and it's her salary she's spending!

CathyMoran

Surley wrote: »

Sorry to hijack this, but I have a question. Just how important is this this bit, your boyfriend getting on with your father? I never got on with my ex's father. Chalk and cheese to say the least. Although she never said it, I think that was the main reason she broke up with me. I always found it very strange how close they were. I mean it just seemed "wrong" some of the time. Would you go clothes shopping with your dad for example?

Anyway it just something I don't really understand. I did try to but could never get my head around it.

Yes, I go clothes shopping with my dad but then again he was a fashion designer! Yes, I would have dumped my hubby if he had not got on with my dad as he is my best friend. Having said that he proved a good relationship model for my now hubby as we are best friends too. In the end of the day I wanted someone that I could be close too like my daddy if that makes any sense.

pow wow

I can't stand doing stuff with my own family, can't imagine why he'd want to tbh.

Lil' Smiler

I forgot to mention that I'm very close to my family. I think my parents are amazing, the things they do for my brother and I. they were together 40 years last week and I personally think that's amazing!

I didn't really get on with my ex's dad's gf but I think it was more that he didn't like her so I kinda went along with it but I always made the effort.

For me it's kinda that my parents are not just my family, my mum especially is like a best friend and I'd just find it difficult if my BF didn't get on with my best friend.

GirlInterrupted

No oh at the moment, but in the past my family have been very nice to anyone I brought home. My dad is a bit inquisitorial and I do warn them about the brothers, but generally it's good and I've never had one try to avoid family events or anything.

One of my ex's dads kept flirting with me though, and it was really really cringy, and I'd have done anything to avoid him and his 'hugs'! The ex, perceptive little spark that he was thought his dad was really 'warm and friendly'. Yeuch:).

allabouteve

Neither of my parents are with me anymore and the rest of my family are all over the place so any future OH will have it easy with me. I may want to adopt their family in fact...

No1XtinaFan

CathyMoran wrote: »

It would really bother me if he did not get on with my dad in particular as we are best friends, so it would be an insult on a very personal level. Luckily he does but I did find it harder to get on with his family at first as there are so many of them and his parents are ultra-conservative. I do try a lot harder now. I think that you can have a sucessful relationship without getting on with the family but it is a lot harder.

Surley wrote: »

Sorry to hijack this, but I have a question. Just how important is this this bit, your boyfriend getting on with your father? I never got on with my ex's father. Chalk and cheese to say the least. Although she never said it, I think that was the main reason she broke up with me. I always found it very strange how close they were. I mean it just seemed "wrong" some of the time. Would you go clothes shopping with your dad for example?

Anyway it just something I don't really understand. I did try to but could never get my head around it.

I have to agree with CathyMoran, I'm very close to my dad and if my bf didn't get on with him it would not have got past a couple of months!! My dad is a very nice man and I have never come across someone who didn't like him-my mam's a different story altogether tho!!
Luckily enough he get's on great with all my family and makes the effort with family things as he know's how much it means to me.
Works both ways tho
I don't think I've ever gone clothes shopping with my dad for me!! Except if he was buying my mam something but normally I'd just go!

dee8839

Ugh IMO it depends entirely on the personalities of the person and their OH. But its a major issue in my book.

I introduced my BF to my family after 6 months together. It was all very cute, my dad making awkward small talk with him and my mum fussing over him. He's allowed to stay over when he come's to visit as we live 2 hours apart when not in uni (spare room natch!!) and was even after we were together over a year invited to other family events such as my aunt and uncles 25th anniversary. I don't think my parents go OTT in trying to make him join in, but they are nice and welcoming.

My BFs family is the problem. We met in college. He has two older brothers and an older sister. One brother lives near the university and so I met him early on. He is such a lovely guy, like the big brother I personally never had!! Next I met the other brother, and get on equally well with both he and his GF.

It wasn't until I met the sister that problems started. I'm naturally nervous around new people and tend to try to keep conversation going and avoid awkward silences. She decided I was too loud. My BF somehow thought it would be beneficial to our relationship to tell me her opinion. How??!

His parents had no interest in meeting me, nor were they happy for me to be in their house while they were not present,and I mean in daytime, when I'd travelled two hours from home. WTF?! I finally met them after 2 years at his 21st birthday dinner - which the mother did not want to invite me to. She didn't say a word to me all night. And yet she loves the sisters BF and the brothers GF. This woman hadn't met me. Yet she had judged me.

And the BF is totally on the parents side, although its not actually something I bring up anyway, sure fire way to cause a fight.

Am I unreasonable here or is this behaviour totally unfair? Family is very important to me. Should I just cut and run?

Anti

scoot on wrote: »

So girls, would it bother you if your OH wasn't big into doing things with your family? Or are you of the view the he's going out with you and not your family?

I dont mind doing thinks with herselfs family, as i get on well with them. But if i had to do something eiththem every weekend it would drive me demented.

scoot on

Anti wrote: »

I dont mind doing thinks with herselfs family, as i get on well with them. But if i had to do something eiththem every weekend it would drive me demented.

I don't think any sane gf would expect her bf to do things with her family every weekend! I certainly wouldn't.
My bf hates family events, his own aswell as mine. I can see exactly where it comes from. They never really did the whole family occasion thing growing up.
We live ten minutes from my folks and I'd say he hasn't seen my dad in 2 years. Tbh it's doing my head in completely. I don't know what to do. I love him but I don't know if this is something I can put up with for the rest of my life. And I have spoken to him about it and when I say it to him he agrees with me, he knows exactly what he's like. But then nothing changes.