Its Bad I know but cant give it up.

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I met a guy a few months ago, by chance really not in the normal circumstances lets say, so neither of us were looking for eachother. I am single, but he has a girlfriend and 2 kids, now when we met I thought he was single because of something he said, so i kinda chased him to meet up on a date, now at this stage i still didnt fancy him but thought he was a nice guy and would be good company if nothing else. When he did finally meet me, he told me of his situation (girlfriend & kids) but that him and his GF were on a break or having troubles so i was a bit disappointed as knew this was going to be trouble.

We made another date later and ended up going on a bender, we got on so well and even though i still was'nt sure if i fancied him i really enjoyed being with him.

So we kept meeting for a while, he told me he is trying to make it back with the GF and that we will have to stop meeting, I must add at this point there has been no sexual contact what so ever he is un-usually moralistic and has said if he went that far he knows it would be the end of him and gf.

But despite all this we both have gotten really close and have been going out constantly, when we meet an say ok this is over its got to end, we end up meeting up even more nearly everyday then, (still no sexual contct tho).

I feel I really like him, but I know I couldnt hurt his GF & kids by asking him to leave her, it would be too much to do to everyone, but yet I dont want to give him up either.

She has copped on that there is someone else and has said it to him, but he denied it to her. I know he sounds like a B*stard but he is the most caring man I have ever known and cant believe how moralistic he is. I also know that i am a bitch for what im doing but i am choosing not to think of the situation and how wrong it is so we can enjoy what we have.

I kinda feel like if he is with me, how can he still hold feelings for his gf. I kinda think then if someone is acting how he is well then the relationship really is over? he just dose'nt want to break up his family unless he knew that we definately would be together, he said to me about moving in with me, which freaked me out, cos i was like thinking that is too much tooo soon. He got annoyed that i said that but i think that even if i met a bloke that didnt have baggage like him i still would'nt want us to move in that quickly as its too much to soon.

I dont know what im asking here, i know what everyone is going to say, plse dont call me a bitch i know im doing wrong, but cant give it up.

iMax

It's simple. You know you can't have him so you desire him more. He should make a decision, but you need to walk away.

girliegirl

Unrega wrote: »

but i am choosing not to think of the situation and how wrong it is so we can enjoy what we have.


.

I think you already know it is wrong. If you think (and you should!) about it, you have only known him a short while, so even if he did leave his gf and kids, whats to say it's going to work out, and then you could live with the guilt of that for a long long time for something that wasnt even worth it.

There's plenty of other guys out there that you can have fun with and click with, who dont have a family.

I would forget about this guy, it's not worth breaking a family up over imo.

MagicMarker

Self involved much? Me me me me me....

You're single, go and find yourself a single man, believe it or not there's plenty of them, some with morals even!!

You're standing in the way of this guy and his family, he's told you he wants to try and give it a go with his GF and be a family and he obviously cares enough about them to not go any further with you.

Leave him alone so he can sort his head out, you're the one clouding his judgement right now and it's doing neither of you any favours.

In other words, cop on.

STUBBORNGIRL

OP I really feel for you. It is the hardest thing in the world to want something so much and not be able to have it. What I do suggest you do is walk away and find someone who you dont have to share and preferably without the baggage ( no offence intended, im sure there are many who wouldnt mind the baggage)

Life is hard enough without having to make it harder getting caught up in love triangles.

What will happen the day that woman finds out that you are seeing alot of her boyfriend.... God only knows. I wouldnt be waiting around to find out I tell ya

Harsh as it sounds if he were really into you then he would be with you and forget about his girlfriend. It is possibly a good thing that there is no sexual relationship because this would make it harder to cut the ties - i tell you from experience once you start having sex that is the end of it you will be hooked and then nothing will ease the pain when he doesnt fulfill you emotionally!

On another note he may just like you as a friend and enjoy your company - i dont know if you have just been meeting up or if you have actually kissed but if you havent then maybe you both are just good friends and nothing more! He sounds like he feels like he is cheating on his GF by meeting up with you and if so this is a sure sign that it is friendship and nothing more!

I would just walk away there are lots of other guys out there that are not attached and are dying to meet you - Go meet them ....and then let me know where they are :):)

RedXIV

sorry lass but i'm with the majority here. you gotta let this one go, he's got a family, you know you're in the wrong, leave him be and tell him to contact you when he's single if you must but apart from that live your own life

I think you're in denial. You sound like a nice girl, if you weren't then you wouldn't be looking for some sort of permission from people, or whatever it is that you want from posting. You dont need to be told that what you're doing is wrong, and you're fooling yourself if you think that by not actually having sexual contact then you're not hurting his girlfriend and kids. You like the guy, not your fault, but you have to think about how you'd feel if you were the girlfriend. Keep in mind that when you like someone you can think they're the most moralistic person in the world, when they're actually not. Try to imagine how you'd see the situation if you found out tomorrow that he's been going out with another girl, no sexual contact but acting with them the same way he's acting with you, making them feel liked the way he's making you feel liked.

TheBrig

My advice: Get out while you can. With your heart a little bit broken but not smashed to pieces like mine was. Like all the other helpful posters, there are a lot of nice single guys out there, and to quote another, when you find them, can you PLEASE let me know where they are too

Anyway, I've been there - I was in a very similar situation about 2 years ago (and I'm only just about able to even THINK about it without wanting to vomit) - it was a guy I worked with, he was engaged to a lovely girl, anyway, for want of a better word, I embarked on an affair (ugh) with him, this is actually making my skin crawl to write these words, it started off innocently enough, having lunch together, funny emails, walking to the Dart, etc etc, then the ubiquitious after work drinks...then the declaration (from him) "I am in love with you" - me (with low self esteem & a barrel of vodka in me) "oh my God really me too blah blah BLEURGH" - anyway, this went on for six months - yes, we slept together, yes we met up when she was away, yes, we had long meaningful chats into the night, looking into each others eyes, crying, laughing, swearing it will never happen again but we will always be soulmates, "I can't leave her it will break her heart but I swear to God I will always love you" - six months in, me 1 stone lighter with the stress of it all, drinking too much, he goes absolutely cold with me, no talking, no phone calls, no texts, I find out he has broken up with his fiance, and had started seeing someone else - he is now (a year on) living with this new girl and cast me aside with absolutely no regard for the six months I thought were so "precious" - I have just about picked myself up off the floor from this - and listen, I know, I've been there for the "no you don't underSTAND, he loves me he's just caught in a difficult sitation" - REALLY - so difficult he could break up with her for another girl just like that?! - SO difficult he made a very quick decision to get out it for someone else? No bother to him?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm ranting - God who knew I was still angry ha ha - I'm just saying sweetheart, I was that girl - I was the fool - I genuinely GENUINELY think he meant things at the time...but at the end of the day, no-one NO-ONE stays with someone out of obligation/duty/morals....the end of the day, well in my situation, he chose his fiance...till someone else came along and he didn't even blink about breaking it off with his fiance for her. Her. Not me.

I'm just saying in a roundabout way (sorry if I'm taking over this thread by the way!) - if he really really wanted to, he would leave his g/f & kids for you. How many times have any of us been in a relationship and not really that happy, and someone else comes along and we dump the existing guy/girl without a backward glance? I know I have (karma anyone?!)

God, I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just saying, if you keep going the way you are going, you are going to end up hopelessly in love and wasting years of your life on a man who is getting the best of both worlds (I know you aren't sleeping with him but that will happen believe me).

Feel free to rant "we're different/your situation was different/at least my man wasn't engaged" etc....I'm just trying to save you the almighty pain and heartache I went through. Can you imagine how I felt when I saw another girl meeting him outside the office embracing him? I ran to the toilet and vomited.

Anyway, if you want to talk to someone who has been there, bought the bastard etc, I'm here.

tritium

+1 : Op TheBrig has just given you the best insight you will get from anyone

LegacyUser

You are all right I know this in my heart and do think of it, I think its cos ive gone through a few sad times myself broke with long term BF and am now out of work and just other things going wrong for me, and then I met him and he treats me so well and makes me smile. He is torn between me and GF but is as I said a good guy deep down and couldnt live with the guilt if he left them id say.

I will give him up, he thinks we can still be friends like meeting in the gym and txt every now and then but I told him i would have to cut all ties for myself to get over him, which upsets him when I say that. But I know it is the right thing to do in this messed up situation.

But ya know what I am saying also cos Im feeling like everything else in my life is F'ed up at the minute and he is the one thing that is making me smile...i kinda dont want to give him up yet?

Will though guys, I will.

spinandscribble

follow thebrigs advice, it could save you months of your life.

littlefriend

I know it all seems very romantic and tortured etc etc but seriously, what you are doing, and what he is saying, has all been said and done ten billion times before.

For all of his 'moralistic' ways he is still a liar and he is still cheating on the mother of his kids.

Do yourself a favour and walk away from him. I know you are probably not going to listen to anyones advice here but honestly don't put yourself in the role of 'the other woman'. You know that Ella Fitzgerald song - its really true - at the end you'll be alone and damaged and he'll be telling her you didn't mean anything. You deserve better than that.

Oh and you know the way there is a type of guy who cheats - there is also a type of woman who gets involved with men in relationships. Don't be one of them - you sound young so just don't do it to yourself

snollup

Hey op - have been in that situation but in rev. It's really, really ****ty. You know the wrongs & rights but it's not so straight forward though.

All I can really say is mind yourself. Would be amazed if stayed platonic for much longer (tho could happen).

My situation went on too long and nobody ended up with anybody. Total mess.

If you both decide that you really want to be together go for it but do it as honestly as possibly.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

This may sound a bit harsh.

I don't think you are being realistic. I too hear the air of romantisism. If he wanted you he would have left his girfriend by now. I know there are children involved which always makes things more difficult but he told you from the beginning that he wanted to make it up with his girlfriend. He never said it was for the sake of the children so what makes you think it's really you he wants. He probably feels that by not having sexual contact with you that he hasn't really cheated so it lessens his guilt. It may not be his morals stopping him but his head.

In your own words you chased him for a date, he may have been a bit low and vulnerable as they were on a break. Was he using you for a shoulder to cry on? Someone who made him feel special? Has this just become just a bit of a bad habit for both of you?

He has told you plainly that he wants to get back with his girlfriend. This is the really harsh bit - you are helping to prevent an established family who are trying to sort things out from making a proper go of things. If you let that happen you will always feels the burden of it and he will more than likely use that against you in the future. Why not let it go - cut all contact. If they separate properly in the future and he genuinely wants you then it will work out. And at that time, you will have nothing to feel guilty about. Forget about the odd text and meeting at the gym, it will only prolong the agony for you and further complicate things for them. Let them to it, move on, what's for you won't pass you.

oil painting

Hi.. my thinking on this is that the foundations of this relationship with this guy is not based on very strong ones...he is in turmoil at the moment and doesnt know what he wants.. asking you to move in with him is about him being needy right now and needing you to facilatate a decision like that.... he cant do it on his own and he is seeking refuge in you.... how can you tell if he really likes you so early on... i know these tug of war relationships where your mind can say one thing and your body does another,but its a gamble to invest on this guy.... the right thing for him to do is to decide if he wants to be with his girlfriend ... if he doesnt then he could move out on his own and sort himself out,then if he proves himself to you that he really wants you -that would be the time to consider the relationship.... at the beginning of every relationship its always the best and most exciting.... im with my BF 12 years and i know that that quickly wears off,reality kicks in and commitment and investment in a relationship is a constant task... one i enjoy now but relationships are tough....i think you are loosing a sense of your needs within all of this and he is getting his cake and eating it,him in the middle of 2 women..... do you really want to be in the middle of another couples breakup ???

chuci

op drop him and save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future. im its very hard if life is a bit crap but go out with friends that make you smile and laugh. its hard but it will be a lot harder to stop if you continue.

LegacyUser

Just one piece of advice, in your title you say you can't give it up and in a later post you say that you don't want to do it just yet but you will.

I'm just urging you to do it today and stick with it even though it will be tough. Treat it like a diet, but one for life! The longer you continue this inappropriate relationship the more pain and damage it will cause for all involved.

Miss Fluff

Unrega wrote: »

I know he sounds like a B*stard but he is the most caring man I have ever known and cant believe how moralistic he is. .

Trust me sweetie, he's not as moralistic as he makes out. Saying he doesn't want to get physical is an oft-used chestnut used by attached men to get you into bed. Then it's you that's the wanton temptress who left him with no other option but to succumb to your evil ways. He is a prize asshole and whether anything sexual has or hasn't happened you are at this stage embarking on an affair. You sound like a nice girl, give yourself a break and save yourself for someone who deserves you, not some pr1ck with a partner and two kids who will promise you the world and then dump your ass as soon as he's had his fun. It will be hard but just cut all contact, tell him you never want to see him again (and that includes "being friends":rolleyes:) and delete his number. It's way better in the long run.

Beruthiel

Unrega wrote: »

But ya know what I am saying also cos Im feeling like everything else in my life is F'ed up at the minute and he is the one thing that is making me smile...i kinda dont want to give him up yet?.

Your life is fuked up.
Have you spared a thought for those two kids and how you'll be fuking up theirs at all?
This man's an asshole to be doing this to his kids and partner, what are you for helping him?
You say he's this wonderful guy - actions speak louder than words and his actions speak volumns.
No respect for his partner.
No respect for his children.
What a great guy!

How Strange

Unrega wrote: »

He is torn between me and GF but is as I said a good guy deep down and couldnt live with the guilt if he left them id say.

Eh, no he's not. No matter what he's saying to you. Life is only as complicated as you want it to be. He could leave his gf, lots of relationships with kids involved breakdown and the parents get new partners.

What he's doing is having his cake and eating it.

I will give him up, he thinks we can still be friends like meeting in the gym and txt every now and then but I told him i would have to cut all ties for myself to get over him, which upsets him when I say that.

I'd say it does because that's the end of his little bit of escapism from real life.

But ya know what I am saying also cos Im feeling like everything else in my life is F'ed up at the minute and he is the one thing that is making me smile...i kinda dont want to give him up yet?

Well, as Beruthiel said, think of his kids and think of them crying and missing their daddy because their mam kicked him out of the house for being a liar and a cheat. That should focus your mind a little bit.

OP, it seems that you think your little platonic friendship exists in a bubble and because you haven't slept together then no-one is getting hurt but he is being unfaithful to his partner and kids. You also know that what you're doing is wrong otherwise you wouldn't be here asking strangers for advice

Loomis

Unrega wrote: »

I also know that i am a bitch for what im doing but i am choosing not to think of the situation and how wrong it is so we can enjoy what we have.

......

I dont know what im asking here, i know what everyone is going to say, plse dont call me a bitch i know im doing wrong, but cant give it up.

If you know all this then grow up a bit and finish it. You're (presumably) an adult and these are the kinds of decisions and judgments adults have to deal with. You know it's wrong so do what's right.

oil painting

sounds like you have made up your mind to jump into this relationship further... ...if the advice on this thread is falling on deff ears then this is your lesson to learn,and you may learn it the hard way.... you and this guy seem to be totally selfish at the moment getting caught up in the moment,and it looks like its only a matter of time before you will be sleeping together... neither of you are acting very responsibly... the right thing to do would be to back off and let him work out his current relationship.........he has 2 children who emotions are being completly ignored... but as you say ... your not prepared to give him up.......you are aware it is wrong but you are ignoring your better judgement... that means you have no respect for yourself either...

paperclip2

Honey, it was for times like these that the head was positioned above the heart.

Use it.

LegacyUser

Just to say Thank You to all of your opinions, Which has been very right and something I know myself already but was choosing to ignorn the reality of all this.

I will cut ties with him, cos its impossible to keep the friendship, an yes only prolong the feelings.

Once again, Thank you for this advice.

xxx

Beruthiel

Well done on your decision. It's the right one.

Johannes Scotus

Hi Unrega,

I was in a situation like this a few years back, got involved with a woman, fell head over heels in love with her and only found out later that she was married. To cut a long story short we split and never saw each other again. Breaking up with her was one of the most difficult things I ever did.

Something that I noticed later was that one of the reasons we were so good together was because she was giving all the positive stuff to me, she did whatever she could to please me. But her husband was getting all the negative stuff.

To be real, a relationship needs to have both sides, the whole give and take of a relationship. So, it was "great", but it wasn`t real.

It took me a long time to get over it. What helped was seeing that instead of her being a poor person caught in a difficult emotional situation, she was actually being a selfish bitch. Instead of trying to work out something with her husband or at least having the honesty to do something real to help the situation, she was out on the town with me.

Believe me, there is absolutely nothing moralistic about this guy, he`s just ****ing with 2 people`s lives.

Originally Posted by Unrega
But ya know what I am saying also cos Im feeling like everything else in my life is F'ed up at the minute and he is the one thing that is making me smile...i kinda dont want to give him up yet?.

I understand very well how you feel, but like I said, it`s not real. It`s hard to not have someone. After the relationship with this one I had 2 failed relationships. So, decided that I would stop seeing people for a while. That lasted for about 2 years. 6 months ago I met a real gem of a woman, we hope to get married this year.

The point being that there are happy endings, just sometimes we have to take a lot of **** before we get there.

The best of luck to you.

oil painting

I understand very well how you feel, but like I said, it`s not real. It`s hard to not have someone. After the relationship with this one I had 2 failed relationships. So, decided that I would stop seeing people for a while. That lasted for about 2 years. 6 months ago I met a real gem of a woman, we hope to get married this year.


aw congratulations.... thats a happy ending because you didnt just accept crap relationships,the harder choice was to take time out on your own,but you had the courage to do it... ever notice that when you dont need something it comes to you easier......

good advice there.....hope your very happy in your marraige xxx

marti101

Plus you have to think that could be his way of trapping you,being so nice and havinf morals.Well he cant have many morals hes cheating on his gf.Aside from the time hes spending with you he could be spending with his kids,even if he breaks up with gf he will still have his kids.So be the bigger person and end it because the pain youll feel will be nothing compared to the pain the gf will feel.Has he done this before and if he left his gf could trust him not to do it to you

Wibbs

Unrega wrote: »

Just to say Thank You to all of your opinions, Which has been very right and something I know myself already but was choosing to ignorn the reality of all this.

I will cut ties with him, cos its impossible to keep the friendship, an yes only prolong the feelings.

Once again, Thank you for this advice.

xxx

Fair play to you. It'll be hard at times but better for you. So much better.

Johannes Scotus wrote:

Something that I noticed later was that one of the reasons we were so good together was because she was giving all the positive stuff to me, she did whatever she could to please me. But her husband was getting all the negative stuff.

To be real, a relationship needs to have both sides, the whole give and take of a relationship. So, it was "great", but it wasn`t real.

It took me a long time to get over it. What helped was seeing that instead of her being a poor person caught in a difficult emotional situation, she was actually being a selfish bitch. Instead of trying to work out something with her husband or at least having the honesty to do something real to help the situation, she was out on the town with me.

Believe me, there is absolutely nothing moralistic about this guy, he`s just ****ing with 2 people`s lives.

Good insight and so very true.