Family Query

1966

hi there - hope someone out there might be of assistance. My dad passed away 7 months ago - sudden death / aged 62. Needless to say, all devestated etc etc. My mother naturally took it worse than all of us and since that day my sisters, brother & I (all married with children) have rotated staying the night with her. This involves sometimes having to take over kids, uniforms, sports kits and arriving with 40-bags of stuff to the house. To be honest some of us handle it better than others - probably because we are all so different with different issues, jobs and journeys to travel but I am feeling the strain. I think that at this stage enough is enough and we should talk to her - as the summer has arrived and discuss the fact that she should be able to manage on her own, I feel that if we leave it until winter time it won't happen.

Don't want to appear heartless but feel that our being there is not helping and is probably doing the opposite and not giving her a chance to clear her head / get used to being on her own.

We have asked that she come to stay with any of us but she won't.

Because we have been so caught up with worrying about her I also feel that we are not giving ourselves time to grieve.

Any advice that you have would be of great help -

muppetkiller

Get her to move closer to you guys..making it less of a burden and more a place to go for mums fine cookin

r3nu4l

Firstly, sorry for your loss, it can't be easy. Secondly, I think you are right. It really is time that your mother got used to the idea of living on her own. Perhaps the best way to do this is a phased withdrawal.

Yourself and your siblings should begin by talking it through with her and then initiating a policy of giving her 2 nights a week on her own for a few weeks and upping it to 3-5 nights a week until eventually she goes a whole week on her own.

That way, she knows you care, doesn't feel so abandoned and you shouldn't feel guilty!

otwb

Am in somewhat the same situation - sudden death last September. My mother found that while she didn't want to stay in the house on her own the best solution was for her to get a lodger. We were lucky in that a friend of a family member was looking for a place (40ish year old lady) so it worked out well for us. Mabye this is something that you could suggest.

I know at the time mum mentioned me moving home. But this wasn't really an option as everyone needs to go on with their lives eventually...

1966

Thanks for that everyone. Unfortunately, moving closer to us is not a runner and I think would be too much unheaval on us all right now.

I agree with otwb & r3nu4l that phasing out and the fact that we must get on with our own lives now is the way forward. My prob is that we are not all feeling (or admitting to feeling) the strain - and am left feeling a little guilty. Anything I do I include my mum in - its always been that way and will continue to be so but I feel that I cant face a future of "babysitting" her when I have my own young kids, house to keep running and a fulltime job. I feel that my children dont know whether they are coming or going now either and they are too young & innocent for this in their lives.

JackieO

In the long run you are not doing her any favours.

I would try and get out of this habit as quickly as possible. Her independence its vital now that your Dad is gone, so tough love is required.

littlefriend

First of all sorry about your loss - I'm sure it is very hard on you.

About your mum - would you consider getting a pet for her? It would take the empty feel from the house and also a pet would give her something to focus. Maybe a puppy would be a good idea as she could spend time training him. Also dogs are great in that you need to walk them. That kind of thing would get her out and about in the community again. At the moment her day is probably focused on one of you arriving so she doesn't really need to engage with any other people.

Maybe you could start weaning her off someone staying over with her by just calling in for a few hours after work. You could start bringing her to things - like cinema/theatre etc and then just dropping her home afterwards. Thats where having a pet is great - it is delighted to see you so you don't notice that the house is quiet.

My mum retired recently and she was absolutely dreading it. She is actually out more now than when she was working. There is an active retirement group around here that she joined and they do all sorts of things. She says some of the people are a pain in the ass but she's made some new friends there and she is having a great time.

brokensoul

OP - i feel your pain. I went through the same thing a few years ago. As was advised by others on here we kinda weened my mother off having company every night bit by bit.

At my fathers first anniversary she announced that we should now stop staying so much and that she would have to get used to being alone.

A couple of things that helped my mum were
1. having good friends to call on here
2. having a car, and the sense of independence that gave her
3. Keeping busy, my mum went back to college and also took up painting!
4. Getting a cat. It was just company
5. Getting lots of phone calls, esp from family

Maybe some of these may help...