Affected by Depression

LegacyUser

When is the right time to give up on someone who is depressed? Up until now my own answer to that question would have been never. As long as you love somone you should never give up on them. But lately I'm not so sure. Sorry for very long post.

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We lived together until recently when his problems got the better of us. I have temporarily moved out to give him space and time to deal with his depression but have never felt so low myself as a result. He has been on medication since November and recently started seeing a psychologist who is slowly but surely talking him through his issues. I encouraged him to go for this help and was delighted when he did as he was really positive about getting through it and was looking forward to our bright future etc. At that time I was still living there and thought we'd fight it together but after a few months he hit a terrible low and was so horrible to me I had to move out. Since then he has begged me to come back which I've promised him I will when he is more in control but the longer this goes on the more helpless I feel. He still gives me hope for the future which makes me happy and convinces me that it's our life together that he wants but it's hard to know what to expect of him. The whole situation is really getting on top of me to the point where I nearly feel depressed myself. (I don't mean to use this term lightly, I doubt I'm clinically depressed)

The big issue for me lately is the way in which he's treating me through all this. I began as his support, his rock, but now I only get the brunt of his moods. I know he's going through a lot but I need some encouragement and support too. He takes me for granted, ignores me some days and is totally self-centred. I have lost my partner, as well as my home, suffered the embarrasment of telling people we're on a 'break', as well as what it's costing me finacially. I have become submissive in an attempt to step back and let him heal but it is working against me. I sometimes feel like the more I let him get away with the worse he treats me. But the minute I approach him about treating me better it's all promises for the future and about giving hi time and the cycle of abuse starts again. He says he loves me and that everything will be ok but I can't wait much longer.

He cancels dates at the last minute because he 'feels down', puts me down regularly, is not affectionate anymore (sometimes even says he's allergic to me!) and last night I was worried about him because he hadn't responed to a few messages so I called to our house and he sent me about 10 messages while I was outside saying to leave him alone, stop putting him under pressure, I was harrassing him, it's over etc and refusing to let me into the house. This was the final straw for me, I actually felt like I was crazy, but I only called to see if he was ok, I wasn't stalking him - he's supposed to be my boyfriend. I eventually went home feeling miserable and hurt only to get a couple of texts today from him asking if I was ok and saying he was worried about me. No apology though. I'm at my wits end. I honestly do not harrass him and try my best not to put him under pressure but I have needs too. We tried doing no contact for a while but that didn't seem to work. I do love him and want to spend my life with him but our relationship seems to be all on his terms at the moment.

I always promised him that I'd never give up on him, and I don't want to let him down in his hour of need - but at what cost to me?

Nevyn

You can't fix him, nothing you can do can make him better.
If he treats you like this when you have been supportive then you are not helping and seem to be only adding to the issues.

I suggest you get on with your life and maybe he will cop on and get himself sorted.
Stop pandering to him and enabling him.
You need to look after yourself, it's hard but you don't have to suffer like that.

towel401

Lost Love wrote: »

and last night I was worried about him because he hadn't responed to a few messages so I called to our house and he sent me about 10 messages while I was outside saying to leave him alone, stop putting him under pressure, I was harrassing him, it's over etc and refusing to let me into the house. This was the final straw for me, I actually felt like I was crazy, but I only called to see if he was ok, I wasn't stalking him - he's supposed to be my boyfriend. I eventually went home feeling miserable and hurt only to get a couple of texts today from him asking if I was ok and saying he was worried about me. No apology though. I'm at my wits end. I honestly do not harrass him and try my best not to put him under pressure but I have needs too. We tried doing no contact for a while but that didn't seem to work. I do love him and want to spend my life with him but our relationship seems to be all on his terms at the moment.

I always promised him that I'd never give up on him, and I don't want to let him down in his hour of need - but at what cost to me?

tell him to stuff it i'd say. you don't need a person like that dragging you down all the way to hell

Reku

Unfortunately it sounds like he is far from on the mend and it is taking its toll on you. This may be part of why he has become distant, to protect you and try work through it on his own. There isn't really anything you can do for him other than leave him to it, having you around only adds the guilt of how his state affects you to the issues bouncing around in his head.
You don't have to disappear from his life all together, but keep a bigger distance. If he doesn't respond to your texts/calls don't go rushing over, accept that he needs to be alone.
If you do have to cut off from him completely then do so, better that depression claim one life (living with it is not really a life) than two. Being around someone with real depression takes a great toll, I'm doubt anyone can really hold out against it indefinitely, it's just a matter of time, realising that you can not hold out any longer is in no way a failing on your part, simply being prudent. Remember that you are not Atlas, it is not your purpose in life to support their world for all eternity, you have your own life, your own goals and concerns to deal with, they need to deal with theirs & you with yours.

Monkey61

Hi OP,

I thougt I'd reply as I have been in exactly the same position as your boyfriend and I have treated my girlfriend terribly - like he does you. Luckily as we knew that we were in it for the long run and she really really loved me she put up with it for years and now I'm slowly on the road to at least a partial recovery.

Firstly just to wonder - if your boyfriend has been on medication since November and is feeling no better, then he's probably not on the right medication, because there's a good chance that the right one would significantly change his life.

When at my worst I took everything out on my girlfriend, because she was my rock and when I wasn't getting any better I blamed her for just standing by and letting this happen to me. You have to remember that depressed people are selfish. I's not their fault, it's just part of the illness. I hated her for not doing enough - even though there was nothing she could do.

I continually shouted at her, said the nastiest things imaginable, eveything, just to exert some control and feel like I could do something. I enjoyed making her suffer. I was just so frustrated that I lashed out in any way that I could. It was a horrible time. She lived in a constant state of terror because nothing that she did was good enough and she never knew when I was about to flip out.

I wanted a target, somehthing to take out all of my anger over being so miserable at, and she was there. I was made worse by he fact that I knew she wouldn't leave me and I kept trying to se how far I could push her.

I didn't actually want her to go away (even though I kept ignoring her calls and throwing her out of my house) I just got caught up in a weird buzz where I would convince myself that that is what I wanted. I wanted her to leave me so that I could go "hah I knew it - she didn't love me enough". If she had left I would of course have been absolutely miserable. Any time she actually did go away when I told her to, within about an hour I would be absolutely furious at her for not loving me enough and I would demand that she come back so I could shout at her some more.

I constantly tested her and was very manipulative etc. At my very lowest, I didn't feel like I loved her any more (which I announced over lunch in Paris on Valentines day), because my depression was so bad that I couldn't feel anything for anybody except myself. I was terrified by this too. A lot of the time I didn't even want to look at her, I didn't want any kind of physical contact at all. It wasn't me though. My mind was completely taken over by an illness over which I had no control.

This is probably how your boyfriend is. It all really depends on how much you see a future with him. I was lucky in that my girlfriend stuck with me and now I have to say I love her more than I ever thought imaginable and look forward to spending the rest of my life with her. I'm still depressed, but rarely take it out on her anymore.

Your boyfriend can get better, but it is not something he can do himself. The best thing to do would be to have a serious talk with him and set some rules about what you will and will not put up with. Stick to them. Tell him you love him and will do no matter what, but you are not going to bear the brunt of his behaviour if it is drected towards you.

If he is horrible to you - do what ever you agreed in the rules, be it leavng him to it for 24 hours or whatever. Tell him you love him and you will see him the next day when he has calmed down. Don't enter into an argument and don't let yourself be manipulated.

Also have him get a second opinion about his medication. If it doesn't work, he needs to change it.

Also, if it would help, I'll get my girlfriend to post on this later

kelly1979

unfortunetly people take their moods out on those they love most, with that said though, you are consistently and unfairly receiving the brunt of his depression which has naturally taken its toll on you.
my advise is to ensure that your bf realises that you will be there for him when he needs you (i realise that you have told him this already but no harm in sitting him down, make him listen to you and say it again)
with that said though, you need to make it clear to him that you will not be used as emotional punchbag.
prioritise yourself and your feelings, although this is an awful thing for you to have to go through and feeling helpless b/c you have no control over the situation, however you need to keep your life going, everyone deserves to be happy, do what makes you happy.

Whispered

I used to go out with someone who was clinically depressed. A good friend of mine did too (different people). I broke up with him, she married hers. She is miserable and regrets it. My advice would be to get out. You have done all you can. Just because he is depressed does not mean he cannot see the pain he is causing you. He is using his depression as an excuse you treat you badly.

kayos

helena.ryan wrote: »

Just because he is depressed does not mean he cannot see the pain he is causing you. He is using his depression as an excuse you treat you badly.

Thats a bit harsh, have you ever suffered depression? Do you really know what is going on in someone head that is?

I know I took things out on people close to me while suffering depression, it was stupid but at the time my head was a total mess. One thing I did find was people trying to be too helpful normally ended up in this result. This then made me understand why a familly member, who also suffered depression, acted the exact same way.

For the most part I thought overly helpful people, no matter how good their intentions, caused me to retract simply because they where being over controlling or thought they knew what was best for me. Well retract first and if they kept at it then it I lashed out.

Notice how many people how have exp this first hand have all gone through the same things? I had a familly member going through depression and I tried to be nice/helpful it hurt that they would not allow me help. When I was the other side of the fence I saw myself act the same way. I'm not a medical professional I dont know how to explain why it happens but I've seen it done, I've done it, I'm over it and I know I was very lucky my gf stuck with me.

OP my advice would be not to push anything on him, if he says no/stop/please dont then just do that. Ask him that if he is feeling like lashing out or if something has upset/annoyed him to not speak/act without thinking. Ask him to take time to think about things before saying anything and you have to allow him this time. If that means you dont talk to each other for a while then so be it. Then when you do talk hopefully he will have the issues clear in his head, if they still exist at all. This is something counsilling should teach him, to step back and actually figure out exactly what he is feeling before he acts.

Cancelling dates cause he is feeling down? Whats worse having a quiet night in instead or dragging him out and a arguement start and spiral out of control. I know sometimes I just did not want to face the world and that ment not even leaving my bed room!

The one thing I found very good for me was getting exercise, long walks did wonders. I have a friend with severe depression, she has spent long periods in hospital as a result and exercise was a big part of her recovery.

He is the only one responsible for how he feels, they are his emotions and he will learn to deal with these. Dont blame yourself for how he feels. He can get over this and does want you and your support.

SmokeyJo84

my ex boyfriend and i were together two years and after about a year he became really, really depressed. I stuck by him for another year cos i know how it feels to be down in yourself and have no self esteem. But towards the end, his moods went from sullen, quiet, subdued to angry and verbally and emotionally abusive. He would say really awful things to me, and then cry because he felt bad.

I eventually had enough and told him that I couldn't be with him anymore, but that i loved him and i would help him as much as i could.

i didn't hear anything from him directly for about two weeks but mutual friends told me he was ok....then on a night out, i got a call from his cousin to tell me he killed himself.

i felt so guilty when i heard, and i still occasionally do when it's his birthday or his anniversary, but i've realised over time and with the help of counselling, that you cant be responsible for anyone's actions or the way they deal with their feelings.

life is hard enough and dealing with your own problems can be difficult- let alone taking on someone else's. Best you can do is be there for people in their times of need but don't do it at your own expense. You have to put yourself and your own happiness first sometimes.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies, especially those of you who have suffered from depression or have had a similar experience to mine. I really appreciate the different point of views and realise that I have alot to think about.

I think I need to leave him to it for a while. I don't mean ending it entirely and I won't give up hope for the moment but perhaps I need to back off even more for a while and see what happens. I will look after myself for now and when the time comes and he wants to talk to me I will deal with it again. I really do want to support him and love him deeply but I also don't want to allow him to treat me badly. I really hope we can come through this eventually.

Monkey61 and Kayos, your posts had a lot of interesting points and sound very similar to my experience. I will take hope from them, thanks.

ronbyrne2005

Has your BF seen a psychiatrist? Maybe you should see a counsellor to help you deal with this. How bad is he? is he working/studying or housebound? I'd tell him how you feel and say you want to have a future with him and are open to having a relationship going forward but that you can't be with him on an ongoing basis untill he is better. Tell him he can contact you when he is better and go from there. Maybe meet him once a week/month outside the home for a coffee and see where it goes from there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I was in exactly the same situation that you are in now and chose to stay- a decision that I have never regretted. The thought now of how close we came to breaking up makes me feel sick as, although the depression still plays a huge part in our lives, our relationship is stronger than ever before and I would have lost so much if I'd left. Fighting my partners depression is now something that we are united on, not something that divides us.

I'm not going to go into specific details of my situation- you obviously know all too well how hard it can be to live with someone who is depressed. The specifics of each case might be different but anyone who has been in this situation will understand how it feels. As much as you love the person and try to hold onto the knowledge that this is not what they are like, that they can't help how they're acting, and that they probably feel worse than you, as time goes by it is very difficult not to resent them for making you feel so bad.

The only practical advice that I can give is:
1. Look after yourself. The person with depression is selfish. They can't deal with their own emotions, never mind yours. You cannot expect your boyfriend to support you on any level until he improves. If you have friends that you can easily confide in,spend time with them. Do not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty for having a good time. Misery loves company- but you are not sick and you do not have to become so in order to show your solidarity with your boyfriend. Make it clear to him that you will do everything that you can to help him, but that you have to be strong to do so, even if this means taking (a lot of) time for youself.

2. It can be hard to receive the level of emotional support you need from your friends. You may feel that you are boring them; you may be embarassed to tell people, who don't really understand depression, about the way that your boyfriend treats you; you might feel disloyal to your boyfriend by talking about very personal things to people who know him. All these factors stopped me talking to my friends and led to me become so isolated and downtrodden that I thought I was going mad. I'm sure that the depression that I fell into (and I'm not comparing this to my partner's at all- mine was purely situational and nowhere near as debilitating) only added to our problems and prolonged the situation. Find a counsellor you like and have an hour every week in which to do nothing but talk about how you feel, to someone who will always be sympathetic and non-judgemental. It will really help- I didn't do this until the worst was well over but I think it would have made me so much stronger if I had.

3. As Monkey61 said, your boyfriend probably does not truly want you to go away. However, neither of you are in a position to make decisions about the future of your relationship. The problems at the minute are due to your boyfriend's depression rather than being intrinsic to your relationship. Because depression distorts perceptions and beliefs it may be very hard to explain to your boyfriend that you are backing off only in order to help him, and that you still want a future with him. It is likely that he will see this as you rejecting him. The person with depression finds it very hard to believe that you love them when you are there, actually saying and showing it. This becomes even more difficult in your absence. It may sound trivial, but if you are taking time away from your boyfriend, as well as phoning him/meeting up regularly,it might be an idea to write him letters explaining how you feel. A letter is more tangible and permanent than a text, or words spoken.

4. It's great that your boyfriend is getting help, although it can take a very long time to find the right medication etc. My situation went on for as long as it did because my partner refused to admit that the problem was with her- not our relationship. It took her reaching absolute rock-bottom before she agreed to go to a doctor. Focussing on treatment gave us hope and took the pressure off our relationship. It made it possible for us to divorce her illness from us as a couple and it no longer overshadowed everything that happened between us. Medicalising the problem took away a lot of its power to hurt and damage. We are by no means perfect now- she is still very depressed but she doesn't push me away anymore.

Staying with someone is a very hard thing to do but if you are lucky the result will be worth it. Do what you need to survive- take time for yourself, lay down ground rules about what behaviour you will not accept and stick to them (a depressed person does not see you giving in as a sign of your love, but rather as weakness). Do not let yourself be bullied. Support your boyfriend as much as you can in his treatment and try to help him to stay optimistic, but by letting yourself be take the brunt of his behaviour you only enable it and prevent him from improving. No-one else would take that behaviour from him- he has to be made to see that. Obviously it is easier said than done but you will have to distance yourself emotionally from his behaviour. Remind yourself that this is not his character and he would not be like this if he were not depressed. Talking things through with a counsellor would help you to keep things in perspective and not resent him.

Whatever you choose to do, I really hope that it works out for you. My thoughts will be with you- please do update us on what happens. Good luck.