am i in the wrong?

millyj

Ok need a bit of help with this one.bit of a saga.

Been seeing a great guy for the last 7 weeks.Have known him since October and always thought he was lovely. Things have been going really well, I hear from him everyday and probably see him 3 times a week when he would almost always cook a lovely meal etc....I cooked dinner last Tuesday and he arrived over with a beautiful bunch of flowers for me.When he got home that night he text saying thanks for a lovely evening , dinner was lovely etc and that he is mad about me and i make him very happy. all brilliant so far............

Ok , weekend just gone he had family coming from England. I have known about this for ages as he kept going on about how it would be a such a great weekend both of us hanging out with his brother and cousin etc....I wasnt going to go out on the Friday as Im kinda broke but he said he wanted me there and he would treat me. anyway to cut a long story short i didnt go out friday as it turned otu to be a boys night which was fine, saturday I didnt hear from him until late afternoon and normallt at that stage he would have called etc...anyway that doesnt really matter either.

I had my own things to do saturday daytime anyway so he text then for me to go into the local pub to meet them so i went along with my friend. now prior to thsi i had sent a text saying that it would have been nice to have heard from him etc.....I probably shouldnt have sent it but i was slightly annouyed at the way the weekend was shaping up.

had a couple of drinks with them and headed into another town nearby for a friends 230th party, asked them along, they came about 10 o clock and he spoke to everyone but me. never asked if i would liek a drink, just seemed to be acting like'one of the lads' which is so different ot how he is with me when we are on our own. I could feel myself getting more andmore annoyed and im sure it showed on my face cause when i went to the loo and came back he had gone without sayibng goodbe!. I called him, he iognored me. i called again he answered really angrily , said that i knew what i had done wrong and then hung up and turned off hsi phone.I was so upset that he could just leave like that.

next morning i called to hsi house to see what was going on.sorted lots out, he asked me to meet him last night that me and him would start afresh and do something nice. i agreed to it and was busy yesterady afternoon but didnt hear from him until 7.30 and he was so drunk, he had been in the pub all day, battery on ohoen had died and he contacted me when he got home sayign things liek he misses me etc...then he called and said sorry. i said i was annoyed that he had let me down like that as I was waiting around to see what our plans were and i could have just gone out with the girls.

thsi morning he text me to see hwo i was etc.....thsi then escalated into him askign to do something later, i said i didnt want to get let down again and it spiralled into him saying to me that he doesnt have to report hsi every move to me, its not liek we are married. He cant see that what he did was wrong and now I feel like a nag.

I would have preferred if he had just said ' look family are over, going to be a mad one, prorbaly wont see you this weekend' fine. but it was the empty promises made all weekend.

so what should i do now?

Dizzyblonde

Dump him - it's only been 7 weeks so you're not in too deep.
There are nicer lads out there

Sherifu

There has to be some give and take in every relationship. In this case i'd say you're both acting a bit childish.
Give him more space and see how it goes.

millyj

i know i know but things were going so well until the wqeekend and its totally out of character for him to go drinking all weekend like that

Rozabeez

He probably hadn't intended to break promises etc, but sometimes when you're around people you haven't seen in awhile you want to just enjoy it like "the old days" or whatever, I think you're being kind of harsh on him tbh. Texting him saying it would have been nice to hear from him is in my books, laying down a guilt trip.

Dizzyblonde

millyj wrote: »

i know i know but things were going so well until the wqeekend and its totally out of character for him to go drinking all weekend like that

After only 7 weeks you don't really know him well enough to know what's normal for him.
If you decide to carry on, talk it through but if he treats you this badly again you'll know that it is normal for him after all.

millyj

He probably hadn't intended to break promises etc, but sometimes when you're around people you haven't seen in awhile you want to just enjoy it like "the old days"

so am i over reacting in thinking that he should have wanted to see me?

RedXIV

Rozabeez wrote: »

He probably hadn't intended to break promises etc, but sometimes when you're around people you haven't seen in awhile you want to just enjoy it like "the old days" or whatever, I think you're being kind of harsh on him tbh. Texting him saying it would have been nice to hear from him is in my books, laying down a guilt trip.

+1 here

The text wasn't a great move and in fairness, family from england is a bit of an excuse to go on the tear. He probably did want to genuinely make it up to you this evening but with you shooting him down now, he's lost and confused. Ok, his behaviour wasn't exactly ideal but on the same note, i can see where he's coming from too

Sherifu

millyj wrote: »

so am i over reacting in thinking that he should have wanted to see me?

You are being a bit unreasonable. His family were home. It's a once off thing.

millyj

ok so what should i do then? should i give him some space?

Sherifu

You should relax and put things in perspective imho.

Rozabeez

millyj wrote: »

He probably hadn't intended to break promises etc, but sometimes when you're around people you haven't seen in awhile you want to just enjoy it like "the old days"

so am i over reacting in thinking that he should have wanted to see me?

Yeah, sorry, but I do.

Its not exactly a serious relationship yet and it was only one weekend... I think you should have just stepped back and let him do his own thing without getting annoyed at him, now you're probably coming across as clingy and irrational towards him, and after shooting him down you might not be able to salvage it.

biko

Let him off the hook this time. See if he continues to act like this further down the road.

millyj

ok thanks for all your opinions. maybe i have ruined things, maybe i expect too much.

Rozabeez

Ruined things? You could just call him up, apologise and say you know you were in the wrong. Then just forget the whole thing.

millyj

mmm i just text him saying' Im really sorry for everything over the weekend, I should have just left you to get on with your own thing'

RedXIV

I doubt you've ruined things. this is still very recent yes? in which case, go and sort it now. You can still save this relationship if you want it?

Agent Smith

How old are both of you's?

BaZmO*

millyj wrote: »

saturday I didnt hear from him until late afternoon and normallt at that stage he would have called etc...anyway that doesnt really matter either.

So you didn’t hear from him till later afternoon but in the meantime you decided to send a moany text saying it would be nice to hear from him. I’m sorry, but if I was him I’d be seriously p1ssed off at that. It was only in the afternoon that he contacted you not 3 weeks later. Boarderline bunny boiler behaviour imo.

millyj wrote: »

had a couple of drinks with them and headed into another town nearby for a friends 230th party,

Must’ve been some heat off the candles on that cake!

millyj wrote: »

they came about 10 o clock and he spoke to everyone but me. never asked if i would liek a drink, just seemed to be acting like'one of the lads' which is so different ot how he is with me when we are on our own. I could feel myself getting more andmore annoyed and im sure it showed on my face cause when i went to the loo and came back he had gone without sayibng goodbe!. I called him, he iognored me. i called again he answered really angrily , said that i knew what i had done wrong and then hung up and turned off hsi phone.I was so upset that he could just leave like that.

Although he shouldn’t really have ignored you I can probably see why he did. Seems like he was p1ssed off about the nagging text.

millyj wrote: »

next morning i called to hsi house to see what was going on.

You called to his house? Are ya mad? You’re only going out for seven weeks for God’s sake!!

millyj wrote: »

i said i was annoyed that he had let me down like that as I was waiting around to see what our plans were and i could have just gone out with the girls.

That’s the thing, you should’ve just went out with the girls instead hanging on the end of the phone for him to decide what you should do.

millyj wrote: »

and now I feel like a nag.

And to him that’s what you probably sound like too.

jamescole

give him 1 more chance + if he acts like that again then no one would blame you for losing the head!

millyj

im 32 he is 36. i know, old enough to know better

RedXIV

millyj wrote: »

im 32 he is 36. i know, old enough to know better

:eek: dunno if you heard that but it was my jaw thumping off the table.

Seriously. This, in my opinion reinforces the other's points of being clingy

Your at an age of independance!!!!!!!

Sherifu

millyj wrote: »

im 32 he is 36. i know, old enough to know better

I had a much younger perception tbh. You come accross as a bit clingy in your OP. You should definitely relax.

Semele

I would say:
Apologise for your first message- there was really no need for it. In my opinion thats where all the resentment began, for both of you. Once you point out that something is a problem then everything following becomes coloured by this.

Then explain what you said here- that you understand he wanted to let his hair down with his relations and you're glad he had a good time. That he's of course under no obligation to report to you and you didn't intend to come across as clingy. That the problem is simply that he kept you from getting on with all your stuff as you were constantly waiting to see what his plans were. Explain that the reason you were irritated was not that he was pissed and hanging out with people other than you all weekend, but that he kept making plans with you that he didn't keep. Say that you would merely prefer that he had told you early on that the weekend was likely to be a bit wild so that you could have made your own plans and you could both have had a good weekend.

Apologise, but explain (non-confrontationally) how and why his behaviour caused you to react the way you did.

millyj

Semele, thanks for your words. you have hit the nail on the head. thats exactly the way it was for me , i just couldnt get that across.

Redpunto

Would ya normally be just at home, do you go out drinkin with other people often? SOmetimes it can be a shock when its just the two of you and youre obviously side by side to then going to a large gang of people and being sidelined. I get that a fair bit sometimes with my OH. and it drives me mental but i get over it.

King of Kings

millyj wrote: »

ok thanks for all your opinions. maybe i have ruined things, maybe i expect too much.

nah you didn't ruin anything - he treated you shabbily

Wurly

Oh christ - this guy is a head f*ck. Get out of this now - and fast!!

If this is what he is like after 7 weeks, can you imagine what he'd be like down the line?

Nah, me arse! not worth it OP.x

LegacyUser

Just reading your post OP and this sounds exactly like my other half when he is out with his mates that he hasn’t seen in a while. It really used to annoy me because he turned into a complete lad when he was out with them. He is normally very caring and considerate but becomes totally different when he’s in their company (text messages are blunt, has a bit of an attitude etc). When he is on the tear with the lads, those normal texts/calls probably appear as nagging especially if the other guys know it’s the girlfriend

I have realised that he only does this once every two or three months so I think there is anything wrong with it...especially when he’s great the rest of the time. I don’t go out with them either, I think it’s better that he has some personal time (plus I know I can also get a bit moody if I think he‘s not talking to me!!). It’s a small sacrifice but you need to give him space. I don’t think your over reacting, it’s just crossed wires & I doubt you’ve ruined things, this is only the beginning of the relationship and if you want it to develop into something more and a healthy one, you need to give him personal time....trust me he will thank you for it. It also makes it easier for when you want to go out with your mates.

Best of luck

the GALL

You'se are going out seven weeks and life is good. He drops over for dinner, bring's the flowers, tell's you he's mad about you. He's got family coming over and want's to introduce you (show off the new girl friend).
You can't go a bit strapped for cash, that's no problem say's he i'll treat you,(at the moment he sound's like a sound bloke).Then you cancel.

now look at it from his side

The lads are on the way over for the weekend, asking about the new women in his life. 'yea' say's he 'she's great crack, cant wait for you'se to meet her'. you cancel at the last minute. He feel's let down by you.
So now he's on the drink with the lad's and you'se all meet up in the pub and he blank's you. I won't say what do you expect, but do you really think there would have been anything good said,Id say he was fuming and you were lucky it didn't kick off in the pub.

The man is 36 your 32 without been too nosey has he been f**ked around much in the past. As for leaving him he's mad about you he buy's you flower's you'se enjoy each other's company have a good chat it sounds's like your at that stage of your relationship were it's make or break time.

millyj

Hey all, well he called over last night and we had a good talk, he apologised I apologised and we sorted out a few things. All is good again and we are going out tonight on a date. Lessons have been learned on both parts I think.

RedXIV

Congrats! now no more fighting!

millyj

definitely not, want to make a go of it with this one.......

Lollipops23

I really think you are being unreasonable- yes it's a pain in the arse when you're waiting around to hear plans,but his family were over and he obvviously realised he wanted to hang out alone with them. Not a crime.

By the sounds of things the r/ship is still very much in the honeymoon period, where you text/call eachother tons. This tends to peter out as the r/ship moves foward-you don't feel the need to know where your OH is every second of the day.

You are out of order for hanging this over his head after a few days- sure, letting him know you were annoyed about hanging around waiting for him to make plans is perfectly ok, but when he tried to make amends by asking to do something with him you shoudln't have talked about getting "let down". He had a lads night for gods sake!

If you're gonna torture him for something like that, I'd hate to see how you'd cope with a real issue.