i just dont no anymore

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 10:49am #1

Ive been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years , we're engaged and getting married later in the year , we are already in couples councelling because when he gets drunk sometimes he turns into someone completely different and he can be rude and hurtful and disrespectful , at times when he is like this there is no talking to him , last night he left me in the bar ( with others ) and went into a night club and didnt even tell me , i rang him all night and he still wouldnt come home and wouldnt answer my calls .
monday to friday he is the most amazing fiance in the world and theres nothing he wouldnt do for me but i cant help thinking how much more do i have to put up with... why when he is drunk cant he chose me over a pint of bud ?????

RedXIV · 26-05-2008 11:05am

Maybe it's time for the two of you to talk about the possibility of him either reducing his drinking or possibly giving it up altogether. i realise that 5 days out of 7 you love him to bits but no relationship will last if you dread the weekend

Beruthiel · 26-05-2008 11:07am

enough ???? wrote: »

we are already in couples councelling because when he gets drunk sometimes he turns into someone completely different and he can be rude and hurtful and disrespectful

last night he left me in the bar ( with others ) and went into a night club and didnt even tell me , i rang him all night and he still wouldnt come home and wouldnt answer my calls

So, basically you are saying that even though ye are in couples councelling, it's not working if last nights behaviour is anything to go by?

Personally, if this was happening to me, I'd be calling off the wedding.
That might sound drastic, but, even if he is the most fantastic b/f monday to friday, every weekend would seem to kill any good that might bring.
He obviously does not see a problem here? Otherwise he'd actually be making an effort to knock this on the head.
This would lead me to believe that it wouldn't actually get better after you're married, but worse. Not something I'd be prepared to live with.

You haven't actually said if he realises his behaviour is out of order?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 11:15am

He does no that he acts a complete and utter P**ck and he really does want to change, he's already come a long way through the counselling but a part of me feels like saying ...enough. just enough... why does this relationship have to be so hard ...
he isnt like this every weekend there are weekends where we stay in or go out and drink and we have a great laugh ... its just very confusing to see someone you love turn into someone you hate in a matter of minutes because of drink.

lolli · 26-05-2008 11:17am

Op,

I wouldnt go through with the wedding either. I think you have so many issues you need to sort out with him before you marry him. He has no respect for you!! Do you really want to marry a man who would walk off and leave you in a pub and then he doesnt even bother answering the phone to you. I know I wouldnt. Also you have to think about the future, would you want to bring children into this situation. You need to think long and hard about this and if he doesnt change his ways i'd be getting out of there

Beruthiel · 26-05-2008 11:18am

enough ???? wrote: »

He does no that he acts a complete and utter P**ck and he really does want to change, he's already come a long way through the counselling but a part of me feels like saying ...enough. just enough... why does this relationship have to be so hard ....

And with each 'another chance' you give, the more difficult it is to continue going on. Until you hit the one that broke the camels back. Only you can decide what that 'one' is.
I'm guessing you are near that decision already though if you are on here posting unregged as a last desperate attempt?

Vengeance · 26-05-2008 11:20am

enough ???? wrote: »

He does no that he acts a complete and utter P**ck and he really does want to change, he's already come a long way through the counselling but a part of me feels like saying ...enough. just enough... why does this relationship have to be so hard ...
he isnt like this every weekend there are weekends where we stay in or go out and drink and we have a great laugh ... its just very confusing to see someone you love turn into someone you hate in a matter of minutes because of drink.

I know. Tell him he has to stop. If he doesn't stop now, this will continue for the rest of his life. If he knows alcohol does that to him and he still drinks, then he's an alcoholic.

Maggie Simpson · 26-05-2008 11:23am

enough ???? wrote: »

... its just very confusing to see someone you love turn into someone you hate in a matter of minutes because of drink.

If you marry him, you can look forward to a lifetime of this crap.

stcatherine · 26-05-2008 11:24am

enough ???? wrote: »

He does no that he acts a complete and utter P**ck and he really does want to change, he's already come a long way through the counselling but a part of me feels like saying ...enough. just enough... why does this relationship have to be so hard ...
he isnt like this every weekend there are weekends where we stay in or go out and drink and we have a great laugh ... its just very confusing to see someone you love turn into someone you hate in a matter of minutes because of drink.

If its any concillation to you, My husband was like this when we met. Actually I think he may have been worse. When i met him he was going through a bad divorce, suffering serious depression and going to lose his job and his house.
I would leave for work at 9am by 10am he would be in the pub, sometimes he would meet me from work drunk. Sometime I would go home and have to ring round the pubs looking for him, and this wasn't just at weekend either.

Fortunately for us, My love for him, and my willingness to stand by him gave him the strength he needed to pick himself up and beat his demons.

we are still together 8 years on and although things have been though we know if we got through the 'drink' phase we can beat anything.

I'm not saying the same will be for you, because I am a firm believer that when epople get together they bring out different parts of eachothers persoanlities. I don't doubt that my Husbands Ex wife loved him but she just didnt know how to deal with his drinking.

It is possible that you are not the right person for your finacee right now, then again you may be just what he needs to beat this.

You need to take some time out and decide what it is you want to do for the long term.

You both need to deal with it head on for once and for all .

Good luck

lolli · 26-05-2008 11:26am

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

If you marry him, you can look forward to a lifetime of this crap.

Exactly, so get out while you can!

aye · 26-05-2008 11:41am

does he do this often?
are is this a once off kinda thing?

most couples fight when they are out drinking.
he left you at the bar, had you been argueing?

did he apologise the next day?

Vengeance wrote: »

I know. Tell him he has to stop. If he doesn't stop now, this will continue for the rest of his life. If he knows alcohol does that to him and he still drinks, then he's an alcoholic.

:rolleyes:
i think most people do things they arent proud of when they drink, but they still would go drinking the next weekend, doesnt make them alcoholics.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 11:46am

I really honestly dont no anymore , how can he be so wonderful and supportive and kind and caring and then turn into someone so awful with drink ?? im not sure if anyone can understand how torn i am , he is a good person , great with kids but every now and again gets this fit of wanting to get so mad drunk and ends treating me with total disrespect .......i love him , i do but is " for better or worse " for me ????????????? how worse does the worse have to be ?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2008 11:48am

it happens almost religiously once every 3 months ...... which i no doesnt seem that much but he is so hurtful when it does happen .....

yermandan · 26-05-2008 11:48am

Hi OP,

Listen to StCatherine's advice very carefully. If this man cannot control who he becomes then he most definately has a serious drink problem. No-one can come on here and say that you should leave him and thats that because we are not in your exact situation.

You need to sit down with him and discuss this issue very carefully and clearly. If he is not prepared to completely own up to having a problem with drink then I'm afraid it seems as though this behaviour will continue, and get worse more than likely after you two are married.

Addiction is a monster and there are plenty of people on here who have gone through it. Expect all of the promises under the sun to come your way but I'll reiterate; if he does not own up to having a problem then a rocky road lies ahead for you both.

Just as a matter of interest, are there any other people in his life who are directly affected by his drinking?

-Dan:cool:

Vengeance · 26-05-2008 11:50am

aye wrote: »

does he do this often?
:rolleyes:
i think most people do things they arent proud of when they drink, but they still would go drinking the next weekend, doesnt make them alcoholics.

What we're talking about is a complete transformation of someone she loves into someone she hates. Its affects his personality, right?

She has said that is the problem to him. If he is *TRYING* to stop and cannot with relatively little effort, he is probably an alcoholic.

To 'Aye':

You took what i said out of context and your emoticon was condescending, read what the OP says before bothering to make such disparaging remarks in future, you pseud.

Dizzyblonde · 26-05-2008 11:59am

It's great that your partner is coming on through counselling, but he's a way off where he should be if he's still treating you like this and if it's not resolved fully the chances are that it will only get worse when you're married.
I'd put the wedding off indefinitely until things are a whole lot better than this.
If it doesn't get a lot better then you have to ask yourself if you're prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life - I'm thinking you're worth a lot more!!!

Dizzyblonde · 26-05-2008 12:01pm

aye wrote: »

i think most people do things they arent proud of when they drink, but they still would go drinking the next weekend, doesnt make them alcoholics.

If drink alters the way you treat people then you have a problem.

aye · 26-05-2008 12:08pm

Vengeance wrote: »

What we're talking about is a complete transformation of someone she loves into someone she hates. Its affects his personality, right?

She has said that is the problem to him. If he is *TRYING* to stop and cannot with relatively little effort, he is probably an alcoholic.

To 'Aye':

You took what i said out of context and your emoticon was condescending, read what the OP says before bothering to make such disparaging remarks in future, you pseud.

actually, the OP had said that they go out and have drinks and everything is fine. that implied that this issue isnt a constant problem, and i know from experience that most couples have fights when people are drinking.

a lot of people in ireland would certainly get drunk each weekend, do something they regret, but still get drunk the next weekend.
you're post seemed to imply that anyone who does this is an alcoholic, and yes i added the rolleyes because in my opinion you were being a bit over the top.

also there is no need for personal attacks.

however, the OP had just added the following

enough ???? wrote: »

every now and again gets this fit of wanting to get so mad drunk and ends treating me with total disrespect .......i love him , i do but is " for better or worse " for me ????????????? how worse does the worse have to be ?

a fit of wanting to get mad drunk doesnt sound good, tho i know a lot of my friends would say they cant wait to get pissed at the weekend.

dav nagle · 26-05-2008 12:09pm

enough ???? wrote: »

Ive been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years , we're engaged and getting married later in the year , we are already in couples councelling because when he gets drunk sometimes he turns into someone completely different and he can be rude and hurtful and disrespectful , at times when he is like this there is no talking to him , last night he left me in the bar ( with others ) and went into a night club and didnt even tell me , i rang him all night and he still wouldnt come home and wouldnt answer my calls .
monday to friday he is the most amazing fiance in the world and theres nothing he wouldnt do for me but i cant help thinking how much more do i have to put up with... why when he is drunk cant he chose me over a pint of bud ?????

Mon to Friday is not his entire heart (should be mon - sun)

Vengeance · 26-05-2008 12:19pm

aye wrote: »

actually, the OP had said that they go out and have drinks and everything is fine. that implied that this issue isnt a constant problem, and i know from experience that most couples have fights when people are drinking.

That is true.

aye wrote: »

a lot of people in ireland would certainly get drunk each weekend, do something they regret, but still get drunk the next weekend.

That is the culture sadly. It doesn't encourage or nurture responsible drinking though.

aye wrote: »

you're post seemed to imply that anyone who does this is an alcoholic, and yes i added the rolleyes because in my opinion you were being a bit over the top.

You read too much into it in that case, it was not my intended opinion to convey.

aye wrote: »

also there is no need for personal attacks.

I agree, i don't however, stand for my posts being misrepresented or patronised.

aye wrote: »

a fit of wanting to get mad drunk doesnt sound good, tho i know a lot of my friends would say they cant wait to get pissed at the weekend.

I guess you could call that youthful enthusiasm!

But in all seriousness, it does seem the OP's boyfriend has a problem. Its socially acceptable to enthuse about alcohol in Ireland and in other countries now to the point where it is genuinely difficult to tell who has a drink problem and who doesn't.

I do dare to say though, that its probably far more commonplace than any of us think.

OP, i'll emphasise the point by repetition: He needs to stop. For a while at least. Challenge him to stop, see if he can do it easily. If he can't, then you'll have to try different tactics. I don't have much information on support groups but i'm sure another poster here does.

aye · 26-05-2008 12:27pm

Vengeance wrote: »

That is the culture sadly. It doesn't encourage or nurture responsible drinking though.

agreed.

Vengeance wrote: »

You read too much into it in that case, it was not my intended opinion to convey.

I agree, i don't however, stand for my posts being misrepresented or patronised.

fair enough.

Vengeance wrote: »

I guess you could call that youthful enthusiasm!

lol

Vengeance wrote: »

But in all seriousness, it does seem the OP's boyfriend has a problem. Its socially acceptable to enthuse about alcohol in Ireland and in other countries now to the point where it is genuinely difficult to tell who has a drink problem and who doesn't.

I do dare to say though, that its probably far more commonplace than any of us think.

OP, i'll emphasise the point by repetition: He needs to stop. For a while at least. Challenge him to stop, see if he can do it easily. If he can't, then you'll have to try different tactics. I don't have much information on support groups but i'm sure another poster here does.

well if he cant hack a few weekends without the drink, i'd be worried.

OP i would be concerned about the mad fits of wanting to get drunk.
if my mates were having mad fits of wanting to get drunk, i'd probably slap them.

i just dont no anymore

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