Depressed/Suicidal? and all that...

LegacyUser

Yup, this is yet another one of those "help me i'm depressed", last minute desperate spills.
So if this annoys you, i'm sorry.
Sorry its a little long too. You can skip the last paragraph(s) if you like...

Here's my story, well, not much of a story. I'm just a depressed guy and have been getting loads of suicidal thoughts lately. Life feels dark, gloomy, hopeless and i don't see the point of staying alive anymore.
Reason for it all?? well...
I've got zero self-esteem (neither am i a brad pitt look alike so yeah, i see myself as the small ugly thing walking down the street whom no one cares about), Social Anxiety Disorder (well, i read about it and thought it described my situation perfectly), social paranoia, can't speak and get on with people easily, hardly any friends, no relationship, doing horrible in college, failing all my exams. I'm the loner guy with no friends and social life. I spend most of my time on the internet cause i'm scared of the outside world. I see people holding hands and realise how lonely my life is. I'm scared of well as i mentioned i've got the Social Anxiety Disorder (something like you're scared of social situations and feel you might humiliate yourself and something like that, like a social phobia).
I'm not anti-social, i like to stay in the company of people. Just they find me "annoying" and chose to stay away (probably i am annoying or maybe i'm just once again paranoid!).

So as a result of all of this here i am. All depressed and ****. I've got a counsellor whom i ocassionally visit but i'm not sure how much it actually helped me cause here i am still all screwed up. And i feel i might never get better and will die a lonely depressed guy who never managed to have proper friends and a relationship.
Life feels hopeless and all that. I even feel hopeless right now typing all of this but dunno something in me says i could just get something good out of it...

So if anyone can help me, please, i really need some here cause i'm breaking down!!
Well, i am a little realistic here so i don't expect any major life changing help but any ray of sunshine in my dark gloomy world would feel great...

ahmm, yeah, so i'll end my spill here before i get anymore annoying.
Thanks.

lushballs

What helps to bring 'rays of sunshine' into your life? What do you enjoy that will uplift you at the moment? You sound isolated which brings loneliness into your life. What about family relationships? Can they give you support right now? Going to a counsellor 'occassionally' will undermine any progress or personal development. Have you been open with your counsellor about your low self esteem/confidence, fears, depression & suicidal ideation? Contact your counsellor and let them know exactly how you are feeling and that you are having a personal crisis. What about volunteering/joining a club to build up your confidence and to meet people?
Keep your chin up, you will get through this!
Be very loving & caring towards yourself right now because YOUR WORTH IT!!

Nevyn

You have to start making changes.
Little ones to let yourself know you are moving forward.
It's really hard but it helps your sanity and you know that there is some progress.

RedXIV

Help??? wrote: »

So if anyone can help me, please, i really need some here cause i'm breaking down!!

First step in helping you is getting you to start helping yourself. Nothing in your life cannot be changed if you put the time and effort into it and believe me, if you want this "dream life" that you're seeing everyday, it can be done.

Set yourself small goals and tasks and start small in building up your confidence. Take up something like a sport or club or similar to try and meet more people. Be open to people and especially listen. Sometimes completely forgotten in social situations is the ability to listen.

Not alot else i can help you with considering what you gave me but if you want to PM me at any stage, feel free. If i can help in anyway, i will

Hope this helps

Red

wjv

I really feel for you and I completely understand what you are going through. The root of your problem is your social anxiety causing you such low self esteem - I suffer from this myself and it has wrecked my life. Very good advice from the previous posters...problem is these are the very things you cannot possibly do because they create so much fear in you.

I joined a group in the south east that thought me what I should and should not be doing, the reasons I have this problem are not discussed but we did read a book by Jillian Butler on social anxiety and that helped too. Sorry I am not so good replying to your problem but I can let you know details if you want to contact me. Best of luck with your struggle and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

newmills

Please don't even contemplate suicide. My cousin did it last year and it has destroyed his family. His mother still cries every day and his wife and kids will never get over it. Do not think bad about yourself - you have positive things going for you - it's just you can't see them but make no mistake other people do. Look up www.gumtree.ie and maybe post an ad to meet new friends or check out something social that is happening in your area. Every morning tell yourself that you will try something different. Go for a walk on the beach, go to a suburb you would never normally visit and have a coffee and watch the world go by, get out a really funny dvd and sit in your room and have a laugh. I hope you feel better about yourself and that is only a temporary dip in your life.

princess-lala

Dont think about suicide, my boyfriend committed suicide in february, its not the answer!

you are feeling down and low at the minute but you can overcome this, what you need to do is start going to see your councellor regularly and see if he/she can help you.

also try going out more, having no self-esteem is hard believe me i know, but you need to get yourself out and start meeting people!

concentrate on the friends you do have too, talk to them about how you feel!

i really feel for you and know what a difficult time this is for you keep your chin up

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. If not solving my problems, its good to see there are people who care out here.

I think most of my problem arise from my Social Anxiety Disorder. I just can't seem to function properly when i'm outdoors surrounded with people. I get overly conscious about myself and my actions. I get all paranoid and concerned that people might not like me. Today i was in a store and by mistake i underpaid the girl at the till and when she pointed out my mistake i felt extremely embarrassed and i dunno if this is normal but i just didn't quite feel i was in a right state to be out there. This also happens a lot while i'm speaking to certain people. I tend to think a lot about myself and my action and get too conscious of myself if i screw up or start to get annoying.
I have tried joining sports clubs, i go to a gym, always end up being the quite guy who doesn't speak much (not cause i'm like that, just cause i get too scared or don't quite know what to speak bout). Even this little part-time music course i did which went on for 6 months and even after that i was friendless.

I think there were a few events that lead me to this point. I had a "close friend" a couple of years ago who one day stopped talking and hanging out with me cause apparently i had got "annoying". Something similar again happened this year when another friend i had who used to hang around with me in the beginning of the year stopped hanging around with me and speaking to me suddenly over a week. Oh and did hear a couple of people use the word "annoying" again. And the breakup with my "girlfriend" didn't help either (yeah, i had one which wasn't quite a relationship and neither did it last long nor did it end in a pretty good way).
So as a result of all of this i thought to myself "maybe i really am annoying and useless". And it elevated and morphed into something bigger and i became like this.
There was a phase where i alienated myself from everyone around except for the couple close friends i've got who i feel are the only people that somewhat matter in my life (maybe apart from my little "family"), i think i'm still sorta going through that phase. So now i'm the loner who doesn't speak much to anyone, scared of going out and getting into any social situations and has virtually no friends.

Now this is not what i wanna be. I wanna be a "normal" guy. Or at least be able to handle people and social situations in a much better way and not see myself (or even be) "annoying". Just don't quite know where to go...

But thanks for it all anyway guys.

econ08

Thaedydal wrote: »

You have to start making changes.
Little ones to let yourself know you are moving forward.
It's really hard but it helps your sanity and you know that there is some progress.

Its far too easy for someone who is not psychiatrically ill (or has never been psychiatrically ill?) to say "you have to start making changes". You don't even say what these changes are. The vast majority of people who become psychiatrically ill are totally and utterly helpless in the face of it. This is because mental illness has a biological basis for which the sufferer can do nothing to change. Without psychiatric medication most people with serious mental illnesses would either die or live out their lives in a locked ward. It trivalises mental illness to say that someone can bring themselves out of it by the application of willpower. The OP needs medical help.

RedXIV

econ08 wrote: »

Its far too easy for someone who is not psychiatrically ill (or has never been psychiatrically ill?) to say "you have to start making changes". You don't even say what these changes are. The vast majority of people who become psychiatrically ill are totally and utterly helpless in the face of it. This is because mental illness has a biological basis for which the sufferer can do nothing to change. Without psychiatric medication most people with serious mental illnesses would either die or live out their lives in a locked ward. It trivalises mental illness to say that someone can bring themselves out of it by the application of willpower. The OP needs medical help.

You've made too many presumptions there in fairness. You don't KNOW the OP is psychiatrically ill. Alot of what he's stated could happen to a perfectly healthy person. He claims to have gotten embarrassed about underpaying for an object, EVERYONE would be embarrassed in that situation. He's a bit unsure of himself because he feels he's lost his friends due to his own faults. Again, this can happen to a perfectly healthy person who may simply have had bad luck in "friends".

OP, I can't presume to know if your situation requires medical treatment or not, i don't know you well enough to decide that. What i do know is that i've seen plenty of people in your position change their life around, myself included. You say you go to the gym, thats a good start. There wil surely be people there you see on a regular basis. Just start acknowledging them as you see them. If you learn a name, USE it.

You've had bad luck with friends in the past, thats obvious, but believe me, there are COUNTLESS people out there who need a mate, buddy or friend and it could very easily be you. And all it takes is the first step or two. You say you are nervous in social situations, try talking to people online, it reduces alot of the pressure in real social interactions and it's very good practice. You'll learn to understand how people think and once you learn that, friendship is inevitable (unless you realise they think like a jerk )

OP, trust me, you CAN beat this, I know because I did. And look at the shining example i am now!

Always here if you need me

Red

econ08

RedXIV wrote: »

First step in helping you is getting you to start helping yourself. Nothing in your life cannot be changed if you put the time and effort into it and believe me, if you want this "dream life" that you're seeing everyday, it can be done.

This is completely incorrect. If someone develops a clinical psychotic illness, mood disorder, anxiety disorder or personality disorder then no matter how hard they try to break out of it they will end up back at square one because there is a significant biological component to these illnesses which renders the patient helpless. That is precisely what is so terrifying about psychiatric illness. The idea that someone with a mental illness can have their "dream life" if they really try is completely off the wall. Without medication they will be in the same state as the people locked in asylums 100 years ago.

RedXIV wrote: »

Set yourself small goals and tasks and start small in building up your confidence. Take up something like a sport or club or similar to try and meet more people. Be open to people and especially listen. Sometimes completely forgotten in social situations is the ability to listen.

This will only be of benefit in conjunction with psychiatric medication.

RedXIV

econ08 wrote: »

This is completely incorrect. If someone develops a clinical psychotic illness, mood disorder, anxiety disorder or personality disorder then no matter how hard they try to break out of it they will end up back at square one because there is a significant biological component to these illnesses which renders the patient helpless. That is precisely what is so terrifying about psychiatric illness. The idea that someone with a mental illness can have their "dream life" if they really try is completely off the wall. Without medication they will be in the same state as the people locked in asylums 100 years ago.



This will only be of benefit in conjunction with psychiatric medication.

Once again, you've made massive assumptions on the OP's behalf. We had this issue before in PI where a Poster was adamant to send someone straight towards pills when in fact there was no need. How do i know? because the latter poster met up with me and simply needed help in his communication skills. You CANNOT negate everyone elses advice here and simply perscribe medication. You DON'T know the OP, so your opinion is only equally valid to everyone elses, not better.

econ08

RedXIV wrote: »

You've made too many presumptions there in fairness. You don't KNOW the OP is psychiatrically ill. Alot of what he's stated could happen to a perfectly healthy person. He claims to have gotten embarrassed about underpaying for an object, EVERYONE would be embarrassed in that situation. He's a bit unsure of himself because he feels he's lost his friends due to his own faults. Again, this can happen to a perfectly healthy person who may simply have had bad luck in "friends".

I didn't say the OP was definitely psychiatrically ill. I can't give a diagnosis. Its very likely based on his message and he should contact a doctor.

help??? wrote:

I'm just a depressed guy and have been getting loads of suicidal thoughts lately. Life feels dark, gloomy, hopeless and i don't see the point of staying alive anymore.
Reason for it all?? well...
I've got zero self-esteem (neither am i a brad pitt look alike so yeah, i see myself as the small ugly thing walking down the street whom no one cares about), Social Anxiety Disorder (well, i read about it and thought it described my situation perfectly), social paranoia, can't speak and get on with people easily, hardly any friends, no relationship, doing horrible in college, failing all my exams. I'm the loner guy with no friends and social life. I spend most of my time on the internet cause i'm scared of the outside world. I see people holding hands and realise how lonely my life is. I'm scared of well as i mentioned i've got the Social Anxiety Disorder

That sounds perfectly normal to you. The guy says himself he is depressed and is thinking of killing himself.

RedXIV wrote: »

OP, I can't presume to know if your situation requires medical treatment or not, i don't know you well enough to decide that. What i do know is that i've seen plenty of people in your position change their life around, myself included. You say you go to the gym, thats a good start. There wil surely be people there you see on a regular basis. Just start acknowledging them as you see them. If you learn a name, USE it.

You don't know if the OP should get medical treatment. Exactly you don't know, your not a doctor. All the more reason why the OP should consult a GP.

You changed your life around did you? So are you telling us that you were diagnosed with clinical depression, felt suicidal for weeks or months on end and managed to bring yourself out of it by going to the gym. Is it possible you have never had a clinical psychiatric illness and therefore don't know what you are talking about? Is it possible you are not comparing like with like?

RedXIV

econ08 wrote: »

You changed your life around did you? So are you telling us that you were diagnosed with clinical depression, felt suicidal for weeks or months on end and managed to bring yourself out of it by going to the gym. Is it possible you have never had a clinical psychiatric illness and therefore don't know what you are talking about? Is it possible you are not comparing like with like?

He wasn't diagnosed with anything yet. the closest he has done is read about social anxiety disorder and thinks his situation is similar.
He also said he's been feeling suicidal lately so where you got weeks and months from is beyond me?

And no i didn't get out of it by going to the gym, i got out of it from a good friend at home and, believe it or believe it not, HERE!

Once again, this is an internet forum for people to post up help and opinions. If the OP really needs to go to a GP, i'd support him in that, but as i said in earlier posts, i've seen plenty of people in his situation, which at no stage has been called clinical depression, come out of it without medical intervention.

econ08

RedXIV wrote: »

Once again, you've made massive assumptions on the OP's behalf. We had this issue before in PI where a Poster was adamant to send someone straight towards pills when in fact there was no need. How do i know? because the latter poster met up with me and simply needed help in his communication skills. You CANNOT negate everyone elses advice here and simply perscribe medication. You DON'T know the OP, so your opinion is only equally valid to everyone elses, not better.

Sorry I have always said on board that if there is a reasonable possiblity that someone is suffering from a psychiatric disorder then the should seek professional medical advice. I have not diagnosed anyone. It is ethically indefensible not to tell someone with pyschiatric symptoms to seek medical advice because a poster on boards could genuinely have a psychiatric illness and could commit suicide without proper treatment.

So you decided that all someone needed was communication skills? Who gave you the right to make this decision? That is disgraceful. The person in question could relapse and suffer horrendous consequences or death. Are you going to take responsiblity for this? You have absolutely no right to give advice or interfere in another persons treatment or tell them they don't need medication. What is your qualification?

econ08

RedXIV wrote: »

He wasn't diagnosed with anything yet. the closest he has done is read about social anxiety disorder and thinks his situation is similar.
He also said he's been feeling suicidal lately so where you got weeks and months from is beyond me?

And no i didn't get out of it by going to the gym, i got out of it from a good friend at home and, believe it or believe it not, HERE!

Once again, this is an internet forum for people to post up help and opinions. If the OP really needs to go to a GP, i'd support him in that, but as i said in earlier posts, i've seen plenty of people in his situation, which at no stage has been called clinical depression, come out of it without medical intervention.

The fact that you have seen people recover from feeling depressed and suicidal without medication is not suprising. Major Depression is an episodic disorder. Sufferers have four episodes on average over the course of their lifetime lasting five months each. Of course some people suffer much longer episodes, the above is only the average. Most doctors will tell you that depression is self-limiting and usually runs its course. What anti-depressants do is speed up recovery and get the patient through the episode with a minimum of hurt.

Even if someone recovers without medication it may be appropriate for them to be prescribed a mood stabiliser to prevent relapse. This is particularly so if the patient has had three or more definite mood swings, as the chance of relapse can be as high as 80% within one year.

Therefore your claim that you've "seen plenty of people in his situation, which at no stage has been called clinical depression, come out of it without medical intervention", proves exactly nothing.

RedXIV

econ08 wrote: »

So you decided that all someone needed was communication skills? Who gave you the right to make this decision? That is disgraceful. The person in question could relapse and suffer horrendous consequences or death. Are you going to take responsiblity for this? You have absolutely no right to give advice or interfere in another persons treatment or tell them they don't need medication. What is your qualification?

Disgraceful? why? because someone who was lonely and didn't know where to turn to, was getting depressed about it, decided to contact me after i offered advice? Yeah i can see the cheek of me now, taking him for a night out and helping him boost his people skills, introducing him to the girl he's currently dating and he's still a good mate of mine, and we've met up several times since. Yeah, people like me should be shot.

IF the guy decides to seek medical help now, he has a much larger base of friends to support him, he has a gf to support him and support is apparently a big thing, no? Your right, i have no qualification. I never pretended to have a piece of paper saying who i can talk to or not. But i'm pretty happy with my life experience so far, i've learned a massive amount and i've helped a good few people here.

So yeah, i'm a disgrace. i'll wait till i become a doc before talking to anyone with problems again yes?

OP: I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, i'll leave it be now. I do stand by my original posts and if you want to contact me, please feel free

econ08

RedXIV wrote: »

Disgraceful? why? because someone who was lonely and didn't know where to turn to, was getting depressed about it, decided to contact me after i offered advice? Yeah i can see the cheek of me now, taking him for a night out and helping him boost his people skills, introducing him to the girl he's currently dating and he's still a good mate of mine, and we've met up several times since. Yeah, people like me should be shot.

It is disgraceful. You originally said that you decided that all the guy needed was communication skills and not medication, a call that you are not qualified to make. Did you ever think you might be wasting the guys time, leading him astray, giving him misinformation, diverting his attention from getting the medical help he really needs, etc.

RedXIV wrote: »

IF the guy decides to seek medical help now, he has a much larger base of friends to support him, he has a gf to support him and support is apparently a big thing, no? Your right, i have no qualification. I never pretended to have a piece of paper saying who i can talk to or not. But i'm pretty happy with my life experience so far, i've learned a massive amount and i've helped a good few people here.

So yeah, i'm a disgrace. i'll wait till i become a doc before talking to anyone with problems again yes?

OP: I'm sorry for hijacking your thread, i'll leave it be now. I do stand by my original posts and if you want to contact me, please feel free

Your life experiences may not be comparable with the OP. I believe its unlikely from what you have posted that you have ever had a clinical psychiatric illness.

If you accept you don't have a qualification why are you making judgement calls about treatment you are not qualified to make? Like I said before, leave it to the doctors.

Beruthiel

econ08 wrote: »

Without psychiatric medication most people with serious mental illnesses would either die or live out their lives in a locked ward. It trivalises mental illness to say that someone can bring themselves out of it by the application of willpower. The OP needs medical help.

You clearly have not read this forums charter. Or the thread by this sites Admin stating that this is not a medical forum.
Do not, under any circumstances suggest to the OP that they need drugs. You are not a doctor.

Now yourself and Red have said your piece. Leave it at that.

OP, go to your GP and have a chat with them, see if they can point you in a direction that's right for you.
Take a pro-active choice in changing your life for the better.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I sympathise completely with the OP, I spent alot of time in my earlier years in a similar situation to him. However there is light at the end of the tunnel and you must remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a short term problem.

In my past I spent alot of my later teens early twenties depressed and unhappy in my life with no social skills at all whatsoever. I had no luck with ladies and was socially decrepit. As others have said, joining a club and getting to meet new people are good ideas, I did this and it helped me to break my mold, you just need to get talking and let it flow, don't think just do it. Before I would think everything out and over analyse everything to the last, there is no need for this just let it flow.

Self confidence and self worth are extremely important, everyone is important in other people's lives and you must learn to love and respect yourself. I like to give myself little challenges and achieve goals and compartmentalise my life. A holiday or a trip abroad away from Ireland is often a good cure to people's saddness which breeds off the Irish mentality.

Reward yourself to some nice clothes, a massage, strippers etc. these things are good to cheer you up and remember you are the most important person in the world because you are you and you are an original creation who can never be replicated nor can I, as for "normal" there is no such thing everyone is an individual who takes different paths in life.

My advice, is go out, try new things, have a beer (it helps to break the ice which can lead to "normality") this can be bad or good, get talking, flirt, have fun, and most of all remember that tomorrow is another day and I often looked forward to days when I'd get out of my rut, which thankfully I did. Also get out and turn this damn computer off, meet new people and listen to music which makes you feel good.

remember buddy that everytime you are in a bad spot remember the good days you had and always remember they will come again.

go get em tiger

dellas1979

Why are you so conscious of what people think of you?

What does it matter to you if someone on a till thinks youre "silly or stupid"?

I would be more concerned why friends would be calling you annoying? Like, do you just sit there and say nothing? Do you smile? are you approachable?

believe me, we all have problems. And nothing is insurmountable.

I dont really get why you are so hung up on what other people think of you. That is why you are so conscious of yourself. You dont have to have any self-confidence at all to get out there and be sociable. Most people fake it. You just put your shoulders back and hold your head up, walk and smile.

Dont be thinking that you are the only one out there who has grievances with things like this.

econ08

Beruthiel wrote: »

You clearly have not read this forums charter. Or the thread by this sites Admin stating that this is not a medical forum.
Do not, under any circumstances suggest to the OP that they need drugs. You are not a doctor.

When I see posters on boards seeking help for psychiatric symptoms I try my best to persuade them to contact a doctor, as is appropriate. Its not medical advice to tell someone to get medical advice. I never said I was a doctor.

In relation to my quote:
"Without psychiatric medication most people with serious mental illnesses would either die or live out their lives in a locked ward. It trivialises mental illness to say that someone can bring themselves out of it by the application of willpower."

That is a statement of historical, medical and scientific fact. It does not constitute medical advice and should not be censured by the moderators.

Also I question the extent to which you read the charter yourself when you recommended simplistic and facile solutions to someone reporting psychiatric symptoms. I think this is inappropriate as it distracts attention from the urgency of getting professional medical help and could lead to tragedy.

Moderators on boards have an ethical responsibility to encourage posters who seek help for psychiatric problems/ symptoms to get proper medical advice.

I think it should be a sticky on the PI page that if anyone is feeling depressed or suicidal they should contact a doctor.

Elessar

econ08 wrote: »

When I see posters on boards seeking help for psychiatric symptoms I try my best to persuade them to contact a doctor, as is appropriate. Its not medical advice to tell someone to get medical advice. I never said I was a doctor.

In relation to my quote:
"Without psychiatric medication most people with serious mental illnesses would either die or live out their lives in a locked ward. It trivialises mental illness to say that someone can bring themselves out of it by the application of willpower."

That is a statement of historical, medical and scientific fact. It does not constitute medical advice and should not be censured by the moderators.

Also I question the extent to which you read the charter yourself when you recommended simplistic and facile solutions to someone reporting psychiatric symptoms. I think this is inappropriate as it distracts attention from the urgency of getting professional medical help and could lead to tragedy.

Moderators on boards have an ethical responsibility to encourage posters who seek help for psychiatric problems/ symptoms to get proper medical advice.

I think it should be a sticky on the PI page that if anyone is feeling depressed or suicidal they should contact a doctor.

Moss? Is that you?


To the OP, I would suggest more councilling and maybe change councillors if you think others have not worked for you.

LegacyUser

arrr...
Thanks guys for the advice but i never actually intended to turn this into an argument.
econ08 and RedXIV, i get what you guys are saying and i do appreciate your advise. Even thanks for taking the time and concern for this all.

To make matters a little more clear, i don't think i'm exactly suicidal (hence the ? after suicidal). I've just had thoughts bout it, like life would be much better if i can somehow perish and when i wrote this thread i was at a really low point so maybe a little over dramatic about it all. But i'm pretty sure i'll never do it because i know its a very selfish act and it would hurt my family a lot more than it'ld do anything for me. Its not fair on their part that i can kill myself and then let them suffer for my little cowardly escape. So i just think about it/fantasize about it at times but i'm pretty sure i won't do it. (might even be a little scared about the whole religion aspect of it...)

And about the medication thing, to be fairly honest i'm myself not sure about that. I really don't know if my condition is clinical or just mental. Though i think its mostly just all in my head and once i manage to get my head screwed back on properly, things can get better. I've always been against taking anti-depressents cause i felt they only mask up your issues and you don't actually manage to solve them. They'll come back once you're off them prozac pills. I may be wrong. But i dont know. I feel all of my issues are just in my head and if i somehow managed to get over it, i can be better. (I doubt prozac will make me see myself as a better person with high self esteem and help me in social situations making me an excellent communicator!)...

I just sometimes feel if i find a close person i can share my burdens/baggage/issues with, maybe i could find the solutions to my life. Maybe the support and love could make me see things in a different way. Like when i was with my ex girlfriend, there was a point i was really happy and excited about my life. There wasn't much physical between us but i felt there was someone in this world who really loved me and cared for me. I wasn't alone. I could see myself as a nicer (more aesthetically pleasing should i say?) person and had much higher self confidence. I felt i wasn't gonna die alone. After the breakup, its all just been slipping down a major downhill slope.
Oh and the whole "maybe you should go and find yourself a new girlfriend" advise was pretty useless. I tried that over the past few months. But i'm just soo screwed up in the head, i couldn't manage to do anything and even if i did manage to speak to someone, i probably drove her away thinking i'm a freak (or again, maybe i'm just paranoid?!). Made me come to the conclusion, in my current state, thats not possible.

So yeah, i seriously feel its all just in my head and i don't know if its actually something biological. I'm just scared of wasting my life away being depressed and screwed up this way. I don't wanna look back and see dark years behind me and regret how i missed out/lost out on all the fun/exciting things i could have had done instead of staying in my little room and walking alone on Dublin streets. I wanna be able to find confidence and self esteem. Wanna be able to make friends and maintain friendships (over the past years i've never managed to maintain a friendship for more than a month or two, except for the couple of close friends i have from better times). So its pretty simple i feel. Its all just in my head. I think i know that cause i do know there was a time i was happy and confident. I've just seemed to have lost it all over time. Just a simple problem i guess but don't quite know where to go abouts to solve it.

And about talking to my GP about it. I don't know if i'ld be able to do that. I'ld feel too embarrassed to go upto him and tell him i'm depressed. I don't know. I feel like a loser when i say that to someone in person. The only person i've ever said i was depressed was to my counsellor whom i said that in a very round about way and it was actually him who picked it up that i'm depressed. I usually deny it in person. Just feel like a looser and embarassed speaking about it. So i don't know if i can get myself to go upto to my GP and talk about it. Maybe i could try out a new counsellor but i don't think i've quite given the old one a proper shot. Just been to him about 4-5 times over the past year. Never quite worked on anything. I think this forum has helped me more than my counsellor. Though i'm not well yet i guess.

Anyway, thanks for the concern guys. Its just i feel sometimes i decide to live the rest of my life this way and get on with it. But it really gets to me that this is not the way i wanna live my life. I wanna be happy and get what i want from me life. I can't settle for this. This really is not me and i really really really wanna get out of this ****.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the doubt post, just thought i'ld reply to this person...

dellas1979 wrote: »

Why are you so conscious of what people think of you?

What does it matter to you if someone on a till thinks youre "silly or stupid"?

I would be more concerned why friends would be calling you annoying? Like, do you just sit there and say nothing? Do you smile? are you approachable?

believe me, we all have problems. And nothing is insurmountable.

I dont really get why you are so hung up on what other people think of you. That is why you are so conscious of yourself. You dont have to have any self-confidence at all to get out there and be sociable. Most people fake it. You just put your shoulders back and hold your head up, walk and smile.

Dont be thinking that you are the only one out there who has grievances with things like this.

To be really honest i don't quite know why i'm so conscious about what others think of me. Cause there was a point in my life where i was an absolute punk and i had the whole "i don't give a ****" attitude about everything and everyone. But then maybe it was after i grew up a little more and realised i was losing friends like the rainforest and wasn't able to sustain any decent friendship/relationship over the past 3 years got me really concerned and made me think about myself and how i come off as to the other people around me. The more i thought about it, the more conscious i seemed to have gotten and the more i screwed my life up and the more i thought and the spiral continued till this point here where i think i've decided this has ruined me and its time to break out of this.

It really is stupid the way i think and behave but i don't know. My mind just keeps going B.S.!! every time i try to convince that to it or even fake to be confident and all. Doesn't seem to be working much quite lately, hence i'm here.

And i don't quite know why my friends find me annoying. I just have a feeling i'm doing something wrong or not behaving adequately. A lot of times i run out of words and things to speak about too quickly so end up leaving the conversation, or if i can't leave there's the awkward silence that prevails. Its very weird cause i see everyone around me carry on conversations with each other for ages and i wonder why my ones don't last for loner than 5mins. This is even with people whom i call my friends. See them, speak to them for 5mins and then silence. So yeah a lot of times i just sit there saying nothing, usually getting bored.

Which doesn't mean i'm anti-social or not approachable. I think i do a fairly decent job being nice to everyone that i speak to. I do know a lot of people (acquaintances) and they come n say "hey, hows it goin" n all when they see me and i always reply back to them appropriately. Like i'ld say i could be one of the easiest to approach person out there. I've never turned down or been rude to anyone who approached me. A lot of people know me and speak to me and it wouldn't be like that if i wasn't easily approachable.
Its just i feel no one really cares and they just speak so that it'ld be rude to ignore. Or else why can't i ever seem to fit into any group or have a group of friends of my own?? No one ever comes and sits besides me in class, no one comes n bothers to have a conversation with me rather than just the "hey", no one ever sustains a conversation with me or replied back to my mails/texts (well its pretty common for me to not get any replied back from people). All makes me think there might me something wrong with me rather than the world itself.

Sorry, i went off on a little tangent there.
Didn't intend to make it that long and boring.

Wurly

Hey OP,

Im really sorry you feel this way. It sounds awful what you are going through. I was depressed years ago and its not pretty. I weeded out pretty much all of my friends as they were actually just acquaintances and didnt really care too much about me. I had no one and was so unbelievably depressed.

I went to counselling for a year/2 years and had to go on medication cos I was that bad. I was so afraid of going on them cos I was afraid of dependency and couldnt understand how they would make me feel better.

My counsellor explained it to me like this - you go on the antidepressants to build yourself up in the beginning. So then when you work through the issues with your counsellor, you can afford to delve deeper without it making you more depressed. Then as you start to regain confidence and perspective, you reduce your dosage until you stop completely. I was afraid of coming off them too cos in case I was dependant or something. But it was a really smooth transition and I havent looked back since.

Ive made great friends and have a good level of self confidence. Sure, I still have issues but doesnt everyone? Bottom line is that my life is worth living again and i'm enjoying it. I never thought it was possible, honestly.

Please pm me whenever you need. Id be happy to help you trash this out. I know how this feels and I know how it feels to think that no-one cares.

Do you mind me asking what age you are? Not that it matters really. Just wondering is all.