Breakup.. to txt?

LegacyUser

Hey
Gf of 2 years broke up around a week ago, weve been texting steadily since but sometimes if shes out she wouldnt right back and i would send a text the next day to spark a conversation, samethings happened again, i sent one last night, [well last to send a txt in a convo] havent heary since, should i text ?

I do want to get back with her but we went on a slight break in jan aswell but this time things seem more serious, so not sure wether to txt and pursue desperatley or not to txt and let her miss me?
Also not sure if i should meet up as i want things to cool down to start with.

I'm 22, no txt kiddy

Wibbs

Well it all depends why you broke up. Why she got to the point where a future with you was considered off the cards. There is always a reason, even if it may be hard to pin down in words. If that has changed or can be changed then you can work from that. If not then its doomed to failure down the line even if she does come back.

The constant txting may be her keeping her options open or her hoping to keep you as a friend. My advice? She presumably knows you want her back, so ease off on the txts and other contact. Let her come to you, if that's what she wants. She can't begin to miss you if you're always there, can she? If you're always available then there's nothing to stop her exploring other options as you'll be the safety net.

This is good for you too. A bit of distance will help you figure out what you really want. Now that your single, this is a good time to do things without having someone else to think about. This will also make you more attractive as a proposition to her and others. Waiting by the phone achieves nothing and will drive her further away. This is doubly true if you were clingy in the relationship itself.

LegacyUser

thanks wibbs, exactly my sentiments, break up was due to us arguing too much and it was on little things that i didnt think affected her so much. We broke up in jan sometime for a week and then she just gave in saying she missed me, however this time i think even though she will miss me, she has the previous breakup to go on as a notion of reality perception. However, 2 years is a big deal to me and on my part id be very willing to just stray away from any argument in the future.

Not to sound too emotional but i am in a horrible state, i dont think ive eaten anything for a week !!! besides tea and fruit.

Only thing is, that if i resist contact she might mentally get over it and then there would be absolutely no point of return.

thanks wibbs !

Wibbs

heartbroken3 wrote: »

break up was due to us arguing too much and it was on little things that i didnt think affected her so much.

It usually is.

We broke up in jan sometime for a week and then she just gave in saying she missed me, however this time i think even though she will miss me, she has the previous breakup to go on as a notion of reality perception.

Possibly but possibly not.

Only thing is, that if i resist contact she might mentally get over it and then there would be absolutely no point of return.

Usually the opposite happens. Try not thinking of something. Anything will do. The more you try to stop thinking the more you think of it. That's with something you have no emotional investment with. With someone you're attached to it's even more difficult. Chances are good she's thinking of you nearly as much as you are of her.

dav nagle

I am 27 and in the exact same situation, it sucks. I cant hold on to her in my heart much longer because I am turning into a numb insomniac. I have written her a seriously considerate letter/poetry etc.. and asked for a second chance but I can't see it happening. She is heading out for her birthday tonight and of course I am not invited. The only thing I can hope for is that when she goes off with someone else she might have a change of heart. For now the punishment is raining down. I had 3 pints last night, first night as a single guy and I was feeling very drunk so be careful. When you emotions are raw drink is more powerful. It is very easy to slip into a downer. As a result I will not be drinking tonight in town, just to be on the safe side.

The hard part is looking around town and understanding that all these guys can now ask her out or char her up and she has no commitment to me. That is hard, when your in town, when you see that your girl is no longer your girl and is now free.

So I will give it until next Wednesday and if there is no change on her part I will cut contact. Bye bye my space, bye bye phone, bye bye g mail. I will never answer her calls again and tell her directly to get out of my life. The only way is the hard way. If a girl decides to leave and wants out, it is very hard to change her mind, and I taught men were supposed to be the stubborn one's!

RedXIV

Just my 2 cents for both of the above, We're all guilty of pining after a girl that's left us and unfortunately, most of the time it is a lost cause. The only thing i've ever seen work in this situation is going out to have more fun than you had with your ex and let her witness it for herself. It's worked for me, friends and work buddies. Become more attractive by becoming more popular. It CAN work, but it doesn't ALWAYS, just in case you try and sue me afterwards if it doesn't work

Brenda&Audrey

We've all been there, BOTH guys and girls. The thing is to hang on to self respect. Thinking 'if I'm more popular and am seen to be having more fun, she'll want me back' is neither here nor there. Would you want your girlfriend back for reasons other than her being madly in love with you and missing you like crazy? The make her jealous approach never works out well. If a girl did that, ye'd call her a slapper. See where this is going?

There's nothing wrong with pining and grieving (cause that's what it is), but at some point you have to look after yourself and make sure you are healthy. The girl who keeps texting you is dangling you and your emotional health on a hook. Best thing to do, in my view, is to cut out all possibilty for manipulation. Call her, and ask her to be straight up. Its not fair what she's doing.

Hope this helps. Be healthy, don't give into empty promised and signs of hope, and talk to your friends. I'm guessing they'll have been through something similar.

MagicMarker

Cut. All. Ties.

You're a free man, go out and get laid.

jezza

What magic marker said.
Would she miss the "closeness" of your relationship, talk to you constantly during the day. But as soon as someone else comes along (ie she has something better to do , no 'fence) she just stops replying?

yeah. in my opinion, cut all ties. rarely can ex's be that close friends after such a short time. there's always one person who regrets and misses what they had.
I mean, how would you feel when she starts gushing about some other dude shes besotted with? Insensitive on her part, perhaps but sooner or later taht's what is going to happen- when ye move on with your life. And if you two are "close friends" she'll want to talk to you about it.

1 option- Put up and shut up.. Which will make you sad, yeah?
2nd opinion- Tell her how you feel... which most likey will strain the "friendship".

So buddy, I think your better off just letting her go, for the time being. Who knows, down the line maybe you can be friends, when that feeling of wanting her back, was just a distant memory.

Have fun, go out there and meet girls.

gilseries

heartbroken3 wrote: »

thanks wibbs, exactly my sentiments, break up was due to us arguing too much and it was on little things that i didnt think affected her so much. We broke up in jan sometime for a week and then she just gave in saying she missed me, however this time i think even though she will miss me, she has the previous breakup to go on as a notion of reality perception. However, 2 years is a big deal to me and on my part id be very willing to just stray away from any argument in the future.

Not to sound too emotional but i am in a horrible state, i dont think ive eaten anything for a week !!! besides tea and fruit.

Only thing is, that if i resist contact she might mentally get over it and then there would be absolutely no point of return.

thanks wibbs !

just signed up as unreg is takes a while to get approved. Above is my reply since*

I'm not with magic marker on this, i've invested a lot in this relationship and i dont find it easy to just get out there and meet girls, in fact the thought of it makes me feel sick[not mentally, but a bit emotionally] Further more not being 'free' was never an issue for me so...

However i agree with jezza about not getting txts when shes busy. I have not heard anything from her since, i can either follow the no text operation and wait for one or risk her not writing back then playing the 'didnt even txt me' card.

geminilady

She might need some space, when you texted and she didnt reply i woundnt text her again you might smother her abit, she might just text you in a while, good luck

Chinafoot

You're 22 years of age, stop with the teenage texting rubbish and have a conversation with the girl for goodness sake.

This texting crap will end up in mind games that will get you both nowhere. You're already playing games here, "should I back off and let her come to me?" "what happens if I back off and she gets over me?" It's stupid and it makes things even more complicated.

Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel in person. You'll have far more chance of knowing where you stand then.

towel401

these mind games are annoying as hell but the chicks usually start them for some reason. and they are better at it than most fellas are

gilseries

Chinafoot wrote: »

You're 22 years of age, stop with the teenage texting rubbish and have a conversation with the girl for goodness sake.

This texting crap will end up in mind games that will get you both nowhere. You're already playing games here, "should I back off and let her come to me?" "what happens if I back off and she gets over me?" It's stupid and it makes things even more complicated.

Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel in person. You'll have far more chance of knowing where you stand then.

well, id love to stop txting and meet up but im not sure how it will go and whether i should give her some more time to reflect on things. As wibbs mentioned im almost certain she knows i want to be with her.
I'm currently also doing my final exams.

Chinafoot

gilseries wrote: »

well, id love to stop txting and meet up but im not sure how it will go and whether i should give her some more time to reflect on things. As wibbs mentioned im almost certain she knows i want to be with her.
I'm currently also doing my final exams.

Have you actually said out straight to her "I want us to get back together"?
If you haven't then there's a chance she doesn't know for certain that's what you want.

As for not being sure how it will go...sorry but grow some balls! You said you're in a state and can't eat properly over this. The only way to know for sure is to actually put yourself out there and tell her how you feel. If she knocks you back then at least you'll have some sort of closure instead of all this "will I, won't I, what if?" rubbish. You'll also be able to focus on your exams instead of having this play on your mind, which is exactly what will happen if you start playing games.

You were with her for 2 years. Why on earth can't you have an actual conversation with her?! Was your relationship carried out over text messages? You're complicating things unnecessarily.

Ring her, ask her to meet you, tell her you want her back and see what she says. I honestly believe you'll regret it otherwise.

dresden8

FFS grow a pair.

You are not together.

She is out picking up.

Stop mooning around like a 12 year old. If you are not together, stop the text crap. You are seriously in danger of becoming the first substitute. Delete her number. Do not respond to texts.

Get laid.

Edit: She dumped you during your final exams? What's wrong, weren't you buying her enough drink while your were revising?

kmart6

Think you need to let it go. Makes you look desperate if your texting her with irrelevant stuff just so you can text her!

suzy5978

this really is a no brainer.dont text her again first.as someone else said-give her a chance to miss you.i know you probably dont want to hear it but there is plenty more out there.your young get out there and enjoy your life.

jezza

Ok, concentrate on your final exams.
So you put a lot of time and energy into the relationship? That means diddly squat if the otherhalf is unhappy. Fair enough if she dumped you coming up to exams, her timing could have been better.
But it'd have been worse had she lied to you, stayed in a relationship she didnt want to be in, and possibly end up cheating on you.

So to say that you invested a lot into the relationship, really isn't a valid arguement. I understand you want to save it, but you are not respecting her decison, in that.. she wants to break up but yet your texting her each day, hoping to get back with her and you say that she knows this.

Let her get on with her life, stop texting her. If she texts you, once in a blue moon or whatever, you could reply but... the attitude of "OMG she never text me back yesterday, shall i text her now? or wait til the morning" isn't healthy at all. Also fretting that she isn't gonna reply? Does that tell you anything?

Fair enough your hurting but you need to let her go, because you won't be able to pick yourself up when u are hearing from her all the time.

It will get better.

chuci

i agree with chinafoot just meet up with her after your finished concentrating on your exams. ring her and meet up tell her how you feel. dont text or contact her until the exams are over. its a sh*te feeling and nearly everyone knows how your feel, but it will get better and things will pick up. eat healthy too need to keep the body and mind functioning for the exams and revision etc. if you hold off texting her too you will give her time to miss you rather than her dangling you and being able to contact you whenever she feels.

gilseries

Hey, thanks for the responses folks.
Just looking back on the texts, first few days she did start convo or send texts the next morning, so i may send one tomorrow.
The reason i dont want to go out and get laid or 'grow a pair' and get over it is because breakup is over something small and a few obstacles that im sure every couple have and can over come. Nothing drastic has happened that we should part ways.
And Chinafoot, part of the problem was that, yes, the relationship did run alot via txt and phonecalls, most of the arguments revolved around her work hours and because i only got to see her very little.
Anyway il keep you guys posted, i found it hard to change her view on things on the day of the talk so only hoping on the fact that some time alone would change things...

Wibbs wrote: »

It usually is. Possibly but possibly not.


Usually the opposite happens. Try not thinking of something. Anything will do. The more you try to stop thinking the more you think of it. That's with something you have no emotional investment with. With someone you're attached to it's even more difficult. Chances are good she's thinking of you nearly as much as you are of her.

i missed this, thanks alot wibbs. Very very helpful

dav nagle

I got back with my x and this is how I did it: Letter followed by poetry followed by the occasional e mail followed by sweet text messages. Then I just said to her straight up, ' your in or out but I cant keep the door open forever until you make up your mind'

She came back to me after that and some groveling, so it can help to talk straight and take your chances

ETA 2 WEEKS

Wibbs

gilseries wrote: »

The reason i dont want to go out and get laid or 'grow a pair' and get over it is because breakup is over something small and a few obstacles that im sure every couple have and can over come. Nothing drastic has happened that we should part ways.

Well clearly she thinks differently. Now you have your take on it and that's fine, but if you do have the chance to talk to her about this I would suggest you don't downplay the reasons, her reasons, for the split. Small and a few obstacles do not a split make in a couple that love each other. Downplaying it will be doomed to failure as you will come across like your not taking her opinion into account. Very common in these situations. Basically you're saying "I love you and want this to continue, I know you have left, but I'm essentially ignoring our change of feelings and reasons for those changes and want to plough on". You're thinking of how you feel, not how she feels. Again clearly she felt and thought about this split, probably a good while back. This did not happen overnight or over something small. She may simply have lost the attraction for you. Nine times outa ten because of those small things you speak of. Not so small it seems if she left.

Anyway il keep you guys posted, i found it hard to change her view on things on the day of the talk so only hoping on the fact that some time alone would change things...

It's her view that has brought you to this point. Trying to change the view of someone you love just because it doesn't agree with what you want isn't love. It's quite self centered.

i missed this, thanks alot wibbs. Very very helpful

No worries. I only write the last bit, because in matters like this it's all too easy to get caught up in the obsession over loss and what you want, rather than what is good for you, her and any relationship you may have.

dav nagle wrote:

I got back with my x and this is how I did it: Letter followed by poetry followed by the occasional e mail followed by sweet text messages. Then I just said to her straight up, ' your in or out but I cant keep the door open forever until you make up your mind

Yep that can work. Let her go. Let her make her own mind up. Don't force the issue and accept her reasoning over the split. Don't drag up the old relationship too much. Do not beg. Then as dav suggests if you do get to talking, tell her that you accept her decision even if you don't agree and that both of you must move on. To do this you need a final decision.

dav nagle

Lads lads lads! Will you all chill the beanbag? Like the poor fell is getting an awful amount of 'move on' and 'don't bother' and what not..

You don't go out with a girl for 2 years and just break up that easy. Their clearly is feelings between the two. Maybe she is confused and not too sure what she is playing at.

I think go and fight for her in a romantic type of way, sure you have F all too lose, you might even learn that she is not really your type and doesn't really share the same values . You might get her back and have crazy sex for the next few months and fall deeply back in love.

Wibbs

dav nagle wrote: »

Lads lads lads! Will you all chill the beanbag? Like the poor fell is getting an awful amount of 'move on' and 'don't bother' and what not..

Well because that's the most likely chance he has to get her back, if that's what's on the cards. OTT romantic overtures and big gestures rarely work unless the lack of them was what caused the split in the first place. Even then she would be just as likely to ask, "well why didn't he make the effort before?"

You don't go out with a girl for 2 years and just break up that easy.

Agreed.

Their clearly is feelings between the two.

How do you know that? I don't, I suspect even the OP doesn't. People don't wake up one morning and out of the blue decide after two years it's over unless they're batshít swivel eyed crazies. In which case well rid.

Maybe she is confused and not too sure what she is playing at.

Maybe I'm a cynic, but I have found that when people are "confused", life is too short to wait for their fog to clear. Indeed the quickest way to blow the fog away is to let them experience the full consequences of the split, by walking away and moving on(in a pleasant way of course). Now they may respond by figuring the split was a good thing, in which case, gameball as no one should be with someone or invest time in someone who doesn't want the same things as they do or be with someone who doesn't know their emotional arse from their elbow. Or they may, by standing back actually appreciate what has been lost and work on fixing that. Mooning around or big romantic gestures may work in late night Hallmark film scripts, but real life is more complex and usually different. That's my 2cents anyhoo.

gilseries

well long story short, arguments are revolved around me not seeing her much, i must admit, i spark the arguments, only when the situation repeated itself. Start of this month we had one and she didnt write back and i got back to her two days after and she was annoyed in general so i thought i let things cool off, her txts seemed less regular i.e no writing back when going out but then sending lots when i'm out.
Anyway i decided to meet up but with exams and everything this was a bit less than 3 weeks after, at this stage she had set her mind on it not working and us arguing too too much. However, after the breakup txts got very regular. Well for first few days..
So here i am one week later. I txted her today and she's writing back.... i suppose il mention a meet up.

thanks for the advice wibbs, she said she loved me and i know for a fact she does but very cynical about her motives, she seems to have her mind set.

I can either ask her now to meet up over this week and deliver the hollywood letter or just leave it for a little longer but im not sure if that leads to fade town route.

dav nagle

Hi Wibbs,

A cynic in my books is someone who thinks they know everything and has been down that road before too many times, a believer and thats what I am is someone who fights for what he believes in regardless. And I certainly think that romance is still here and alive and well, some girls dig it.

''Indeed the quickest way to blow the fog away is to let them experience the full consequences of the split, by walking away and moving on(in a pleasant way of course). ''

Experiencing the full consequences sounds like a punishment of some sort. Surely is doesn't have to be that way either?

Wibbs wrote: »

Well because that's the most likely chance he has to get her back, if that's what's on the cards. OTT romantic overtures and big gestures rarely work unless the lack of them was what caused the split in the first place. Even then she would be just as likely to ask, "well why didn't he make the effort before?"

Agreed. How do you know that? I don't, I suspect even the OP doesn't. People don't wake up one morning and out of the blue decide after two years it's over unless they're batshít swivel eyed crazies. In which case well rid. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I have found that when people are "confused", life is too short to wait for their fog to clear. Indeed the quickest way to blow the fog away is to let them experience the full consequences of the split, by walking away and moving on(in a pleasant way of course). Now they may respond by figuring the split was a good thing, in which case, gameball as no one should be with someone or invest time in someone who doesn't want the same things as they do or be with someone who doesn't know their emotional arse from their elbow. Or they may, by standing back actually appreciate what has been lost and work on fixing that. Mooning around or big romantic gestures may work in late night Hallmark film scripts, but real life is more complex and usually different. That's my 2cents anyhoo.

Wibbs

dav nagle wrote: »

A cynic in my books is someone who thinks they know everything and has been down that road before too many times,

Well I've been down a few roads in fairness, that said while I may be hazy about what works, I've a fair idea of what tends not to.

a believer and thats what I am is someone who fights for what he believes in regardless.

Don't get me wrong I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe in, I just pick the fights worth fighting.

And I certainly think that romance is still here and alive and well, some girls dig it.

I agree. I'm a big fan of romance and grand gestures. Again it's about the timing.

Let's imagine you're the OP's ex and you've been frustrated with the arguments(that he apparently starts) and other aspects of the relationship. Frustrated enough to break up. You ask for a bit of space. The "I'm breaking up with you" line being a dead giveaway. The tailing off of contact being another. If the OP tries to push this with out of character romance, then while she may be flattered, she may also wonder why now and why too little too late. It also smacks of inconsistency and selfishness on his part as he reacts now in the correct way because of what he is losing, not what she may need. Also the fact is while she may still care about the OP, even love him(but not enough to be with him), the reality is that all her decisions will be based on how she feels. How he feels influences her, but with the distance of a split that's a much smaller influnece. This is why IMHO these kind of actions rarely have the desired effect in proper full on breakups. They may work in relationships that are always breaking up(you know the type), where drama all too often takes the place of an actual adult relationship.

Experiencing the full consequences sounds like a punishment of some sort. Surely is doesn't have to be that way either?

Not so much a punishment as listening to the dumper and giving them what they want. It's also a defence against having your cake and eatism that dumpers may angle for when people split.

I've seen people get back with their exes. Quite a few times and even in cases where others were involved and in pretty much every case I can think of, letting the ex go, moving on themselves and not pushing it was how they did it. This seems to be the best approach. It's also the best approach if it doesn't happen as you've already started to move on. This was men who got dumped. I dunno if it would work the other way around so.....

dav nagle

I think we all agree that not 'pushing things' during a break or split is probably a good idea. Sheesh! I am no Casanova

Aurora Borealis

Leave her contact you if she wants to. Learnt that the hard way I may add. She probably needs a bit of space to process what's happened and will respect you more if you respect her wishes which seem to be implicit in her slow response. It might be different from a male perspective but from my own female experience if serves no good to pester someone to respond if they are not ready and reminding someone you're there which is in essence what you seem to be trying to do by striking up conversation will not rekindle flames if they've been quenched for other reasons. Maybe take this time to assess what may have been troubled in your relationship to facilitate a new beginning, be it with her or someone else. Blind hope can really eat away at your self esteem so try and stay in the now and take each step as it comes. It's really hard I know but you have to know your own self worth too but should not be dependant on anyone but your self.

I think the notion put forward here that you should fight for your hearts desire is in some way fairytale like and echoes back to days when the male/female role were poles apart. Times have changed and this approach may not always be the best for women today or indeed for men as I learned.

Best of luck.

A.B.

gilseries

i cant remember where i left off but i think i contacted her and she replied constantly then, again, she stopped, repeat this. Its really off putting, she offered to meet up but said she was busy yet shes been out twice over the week. Regardless i made a small book with over 90 pictures of us, with text etc, im not sure whether to include a letter or not but ive agreed to see her this weekend, so il give i to her then, not sure if i want to say anything about the situation, hoping for a small meet and greet and giving her the thing.

I have to say the text thing has really put me off everything, i'm not entitled to a txt but when we broke up we agreed we would and considering i was doing my exams, i was hoping for a bit more support. [this is in comparison to last time and our general relationship, based on txts - hurray]

thanks all for tips.
Il keep you guys posted.

Aurora Borealis

God love ya you're exactly like I was with grand romantic gestures. I swear sometimes I look back at the things I’ve done for love and cringe. You’d swear I was some knight in shining armour serenading my one true love. All very Disney like in my head and definitely how I was truly feeling but all very melodramatic and badly timed. I’m saying this because I understand your motivation but calm down with the movie endings for your own sake and save these gestures for a time when things are rosier in the garden. You’ll freak the girl out. Give her the space she needs and don’t leave yourself even more vulnerable by leaving your heart so blatantly wide open.

Raekwon

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

God love ya you're exactly like I was with grand romantic gestures. I swear sometimes I look back at the things I’ve done for love and cringe. You’d swear I was some knight in shining armour serenading my one true love. All very Disney like in my head and definitely how I was truly feeling but all very melodramatic and badly timed. I’m saying this because I understand your motivation but calm down with the movie endings for your own sake and save these gestures for a time when things are rosier in the garden. You’ll freak the girl out. Give her the space she needs and don’t leave yourself even more vulnerable by leaving your heart so blatantly wide open.

+ 1,000,000!

OP we have all been there and like so many other posters have said you really do need to give her space, that means no contact from you unless she initiates it and even then play it cool and don't get back to her straight away.

No offence but you come across as being extremely clingy and really quite desperate and that is a major turn off for women. The best thing you can do right now is go out as much as possible (ie: to the gym, to gigs, to the pub with your mates, etc) and show her that you don't need her in your life (even if you really don't feel that way) and remind her of the guy that she first met and feel in love with. That is the only possible way that you will get her back............what you are doing now is pushing her further away and possibly into the arms of another man.

So scrap the romantic gestures and cancel your meeting with her and have fun for a few weeks and let the whole situation cool down...............you never know, you might actually have some fun and look back on all this and wonder why you were so upset in the first place.

Wibbs

Raekwon wrote: »

No offence but you come across as being extremely clingy and really quite desperate and that is a major turn off for women. The best thing you can do right now is go out as much as possible (ie: to the gym, to gigs, to the pub with your mates, etc) and show her that you don't need her in your life (even if you really don't feel that way) and remind her of the guy that she first met and feel in love with. That is the only possible way that you will get her back............what you are doing now is pushing her further away and possibly into the arms of another man.

Nail on the head.