Downs baby - we have a baby

LegacyUser

1st off im real sad about this as is my partner,

just found out that our unborn baby is down syndrome and have the big abortion issue to discuss, without lashing me for considering this could anyone give plus and minuses to doing this. we're both career people.

im 20 weeks gone and just found out. please help..we where trying for a child but dont know if we can cope with the situation..

Snowdrop

I understand you must be feeling terrible and I really feel for you but you need to talk to a professional counsellor about this. Only you can decide what to do for the best.

I have a special needs child who is fairly ok now but may deteriorate mentally as she gets older. She is a delight and we would not be without her. It is tough. I cannot work because she needs constant attention and we are always going to appointments. I have accepted that this is going to be our life and would not change anything.

That is my situation though and every situation is different. I would be the last person to condemn anyone considering abortion and either way you have a very difficult decision to make.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, make sure you research the services available and get all the help you can for yourself and your child.

Take a few days, talk to your partner and family and it will probably not seem so bad. You are not in this alone whatever happens.

Take care.

Susannahmia

downschild wrote: »

1st off im real sad about this as is my partner,

just found out that our unborn baby is down syndrome and have the big abortion issue to discuss, without lashing me for considering this could anyone give plus and minuses to doing this. we're both career people.

im 20 weeks gone and just found out. please help..we where trying for a child but dont know if we can cope with the situation..

Hey it's a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you, I cannot really give much advice but I can tell you my grans experience. She had 11 children and the 11th was down syndrome, Susie. I asked gran if she would have preferred that Susie had been normal and she said that she wouldn't have her any other way. Susie was the easiest most placid baby that she had ever had and was always grans pet. Granny had horrible post natal depression with all her children except for Susie, she bonded with her right away.

Susie is great and the most loving person in the world, she lives in a group home and loves it and is living an independent life with the aid of carers. I could not imagine a world without her. Many downs syndrome kids today can go to mainstream school and live their own lives (with a little help) when they are older. They are the funniest most loving children and never lose that in adulthood. My mam and her brothers and sisters often say that they envy Susie, she lives the happiest most stress-free life of all of them. They are all grey and wrinkled now while she has a full head of brown hair and not one wrinkle. Really she is as happy as Larry.:)

channaigh

its a terrible position you are in. I had an abortion and i will regret it to the day i die. there are other options adoption. they are beautiful smart children please don't make the same mistake as me things happen for a reason stay strong

January

I'd hate to be in your position, I'm nearly 11 weeks pregnant and have not even thought about the fact that there could be something wrong with my child.

How hard this must be for you.

Snowdrop is right though, you should be talking to a professional about this, only they can help you make the right decision. But some pro's are: You will be helping that baby to be the best that it can be in life, whether it is healthy or not. You can watch it grow and hit all the milestones and think that you have helped them to get there. Downs syndrome children will have problems, but these days they are much smaller than what they would have been years ago.

The cons are: You will have to give up your job to look after the baby. You will have to give more time than a healthy baby.

Whatever the right decision for you is I hope you make it.

Good luck

Adrieanne

Susannahmia

adrieanne__x wrote: »

The cons are: You will have to give up your job to look after the baby. You will have to give more time than a healthy baby.


Adrieanne

Not necessarily, many downs syndrome children don't have health issues. Susie for example has no heart problems and a clear bill of health apart from a bit of constipation.
They may not require any more care than a normal child and should be able to attend mainstream daycare.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Not something I could deal with.

20 weeks, how long you got before you can have an abortion? Me & my girlfriend both said we'd go for a termination should this ever happen.

Hopefully someone can post some good links for the OP?

Special K

Firstly, going with the mentality of "there's something wrong with our baby" is not healthy, and is not a good start.

Secondly, there is absolutely no reason why your child shouldn't attend mainstream schools. Often there are healthy difficulties but not always. He/She would most probably have an SNA at school to help anyhow.

It may be hard now, but when he/she is born you'll realise that you wouldn't want things any other way.

Finally, at 20 weeks the baby is really well formed. It is quite late to get an abortion.

Just to point out, I got the following from a website:

"20 weeks - The child can hear and recognize mother's voice. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage. Fingernails and fingerprints appear. Sex organs are visible. Using an ultrasound device, the doctor can tell if the child is a girl or a boy."

Like someone already suggested, adoption is also an option. Only you know what the right decision is for you and your boyfriend, but I think if you learned to accept it and look forward to this wonderful event, things wouldn't seem to bad. And in a couple of years, all going well, I'm sure you'd be horrified that you'd even contemplated it! Best of luck with whatever you decide

Loopy

You will no doubt get different views on this (some harsh). So have you have to be objective here.

I honestly dont know what I would do and my heart goes out to you both.

Downs children seem to be full of life and happiness from what I have seen but from both your points of view. The bonus is as Susanahmia said your child will grow up oblivious to the stresses in life and will not get caught up in society. Your life will alter dramatically and it will be full on I imagine, like you wouldn't believe but you will get a hell of a lot out of it too.

I have just asked my partner here what he would do (we have a 1.5yr old) if at the scan we had been given that news. He said he would rather I terminate the pregnancy.

I don't envy you both its a horrible decision to have to make but think of your quality of life you will have if you have it..

Sorry not much use here and I wish you the best in coming to an amicable decision..

alexmcred

I really feel for you OP I'm lucky enough to have to healthy small ones at home and cannot not imagine how difficult this must be for you. As the other posters have said it may be best for both you and your partner to talk with the professionals and get their advice on this.

At the end of the day this is a decision i would hate to have to make.

Snowdrop

Being realistic, life will change if you go on to have your child but not necessarily for the worse. You just have to adapt. There are financial supports available and you will find help from the most unlikely of sources.

I doubt very much that there are many DS children in mainstream schools. There are other options however. Do the best for your child, take one day at a time, keep an open mind and be prepared for the unexpected.

If you need any help on your entitlements etc, please feel free to PM me.

ronbyrne2005

Is Downs really that serious? It's not like the child is gonna be wheelchair bound, deaf dumb and mute. I think many people are selfish about their lives/careers and would end the life of a nearly complete human so they havent the "hassle", I find these same people would usually dispose of their pets when they havent time or patience to look after them. Ask any parent of a downs child and Im sure few would wish they had'nt had their child. If you don't want to raise this child at least see the next few months through and give it up for adoption, im sure theres many families (including those that already have downs children) willing to adopt.

Special K

Meant to add, that if you were trying for a baby, you should count yourselves lucky that you managed to conceive, as others aren't so lucky and would only love to trade places for your "Down baby". Also we were told at college [I'm a teacher] that it's not a Down's Syndrome child, it's the child with Down's Syndrome. Just a rearrangment of the words but it does in fact make a difference

And yes they can be integrated into mainstream, my friend is teaching one in her class and other than a learning disability, which many other children have, she mixes very well with the other children in the class.

Also, I am quite shocked by some of the replies i.e. "I can't imagine that situation/would hate to have that decision to make". A child isn't an accessory. Sometimes I think parents strive to have the "perfect" child. I use inverted commas as perfection doesn't exist. A child with Down's Syndrom is a person just like any other, to be loved and cared for, and given a chance to blossom in life. Like others have said, you will be required to adapt your lifestyles, but it shouldn't or needn't be a massive adjustment. Assuming he/she is healthy and happy, what more do you need?

corcaighcailin9

Hey OP, I can't imagine how hard a time you're having at the moment but just wanted to share my experience with you. I teach a little boy with Down's and I have to tell you I have never come across a child like him in all my life. He has brought so much joy to my class this year. I love going to work every day to see him and miss him the very odd time he's not there. There are so many support services out there for parents of children with Down's. I've done courses in this area and the people I've worked with are really great. Have a look at http://www.downsyndrome.ie/ The courses I've done were run by this organisation and I found their Education Officer Fidelma Brady absolutely excellent. Feel free to register here and private message me if I can be of any further help.

EDIT: I've just read the above replies properly and don't believe the BS about there not being many children with Down's in mainstream - take that from someone who knows AS A MAINSTREAM TEACHER.

corcaighcailin9

Snowdrop wrote: »

I doubt very much that there are many DS children in mainstream schools. There are other options however.

That is a very ill-informed, ignorant and therefore, I would imagine, wholly unhelpful comment to make.

seahorse

My advice to you would be this: When your baby arrives, not only will you not give a damn about the DS, but you will be outrageously insulted should anyone ever suggest you should have considered aborting him/her.

Don’t think about the pure panic of today; think about the loving feelings of tomorrow. This is your child we are talking about, and it will be worth it.

Special K

seahorse wrote: »

My advice to you would be this: When your baby arrives, not only will you not give a damn about the DS, but you will be outrageously insulted should anyone ever suggest you should have considered aborting him/her.

Don’t think about the pure panic of today; think about the loving feelings of tomorrow. This is your child we are talking about, and it will be worth it.

+1

corcaighcailin9

seahorse wrote: »

My advice to you would be this: When your baby arrives, not only will you not give a damn about the DS, but you will be outrageously insulted should anyone ever suggest you should have considered aborting him/her.

Don’t think about the pure panic of today; think about the loving feelings of tomorrow. This is your child we are talking about, and it will be worth it.

Well said. This child will be a blessing, regardless of Down's.

Keano

This one of the most serious PI's I have read.

As many have pointed out you will get conflicting opinions on here and all I can add is that ye must think very hard about the decision.

I don't know if ye have been in contact with anyone but here would be a good start http://www.downsyndrome.ie/

My heart goes out to ye, and my support no matter what open ye choose.

Seraphina

ronbyrne2005 wrote: »

Is Downs really that serious? It's not like the child is gonna be wheelchair bound

well actually, thats quite possible. like many conditions, it really depends on the person and severity.

secondly, you are really pushing it to be considering abortion at this late a stage. i am pro choice and all, but at 20 weeks the heart is beating a long time, and its pretty well formed.

personally, i think adoption is a much better option, though unfortunately in that case the child would probably end up in care homes for the rest of its life, and never be legally adopted, as most people would be unlikely to choose an unhealthy baby. though again, this does depend on the individual case and severity of symptoms.

Hi i work in community care....people with downs syndrome unusual have a good life ...one i help look after is fantastic, she cooks, loves house work, is far more neat and tidy than I'll ever be....she is forever going to parties, likes to have a drink and is great craic...

WomanInWhite

Hi OP.

It must have been a great shock to find out that your child has downs syndrome. I don't want to comment on the issue of abortion here but I would like to tell you about my little nephew who has downs syndrome.

My sister didn't know until he was born that her baby had downs syndrome. It was devastating news. I was so upset for her, totally shocked. However, while I felt bad for her because I feared that she faced multiple difficulties with her little boy in the future, we all quickly came to realise that there was in fact nothing wrong with this baby per se, it was society's attitude that conferred a label on him which bore no resembelance to the reality of who he actually was.

He is different, but not that different, and certainly in no negative way. People would say,for example, "oh, he'll always be happy and loving, he won't feel hurt or upset", which is completely wrong. He has full comprehension of the world around him, knows when people are making fun of him, being kind to him, being mean etc. and responds accordingly.

He is loving and sweet, but he is also cheeky, naughty and bold. He'll come in and give you a big hug and two minutes later he'll be putting the cat in the washing machine.

Society constructs this idea of an imperfect, "retarded", inferior person while in reality people with downs do state exams, go to college, get jobs, live full and happy lives just like everyone else.

I'm not saying that its easy, people are cruel and thoughtless and often just pig ignorant in the things they will say. But in actuality, he is a really cool, friendly little chap with an amazing personality and participates fully in the world around him. He is a little boy who I adore just the same as all my nephews and nieces. In fact, when you take away the stereotypes, he is pretty much the same.

I don't presume to influence your decision, nor do I pretend to understand how you feel. Just when I saw the post I thought I would offer my experience of a kid with downs in case you might be interested to know. I wish you all the best.

Snowdrop

corcaighcailin9 wrote: »

That is a very ill-informed, ignorant and therefore, I would imagine, wholly unhelpful comment to make.

Gosh. Calm down and get off your high horse. I am entitled to my opinion and am only being realistic as far as I am concerned. As well as being a parent of a special needs child, I have a relative with Ds and she is not able for mainstream school. No point in pretending otherwise. I am sure there are exceptions but I stand by my comment.

Out of all the kids in your school how many are DS? not many I bet.

If you read my other posts you will see that I am not trying to be negative. Just offering realistic support.

Monkey61

Hi OP, the heart really goes out to you on this one. As has been suggested by a few people, yourself and your partner really need to talk this one through with a counsellor so that you can make the best decision possible for both of you.

Obviously this post has elicited many responses from pro-lifers,but abortion aside, I think the issue is more one of whether you feel you would both be able to and want to cope with the extra demands of a downs syndrome child.

There is absolutely no shame in abortion,as equally there is no guarantee that you are going to be able to cope with this child once it arrives. There is of course the chance that if you have the child, you may not wish it any different for the world - but there is also as much chance of this not happening.

To be honest I would say you have a fairly good idea at this point already how you are likely to feel about the whole thing.

Everybody is different and what's right for you is not neccessarily what is right for anybody else. Whatever decision you and your partner make; be sure not to be pressured into it by anybody else as you alone are going to have to live with it.

Good luck.

Rev Hellfire

Well I for one wouldn't be in favour of aborting on the grounds of downs.

But I wouldn't under estimate the impact that having a disabled child can be to both you and your family. This is the sort of thing that tears families apart.

That said as stated before the option always remains to have them placed in care should you decide to go head and find yourselves unable to cope.

Perhaps you should also post in the disabilities forum, its not very active but perhaps another parent with a downs kid may be able to answer you questions and give you an idea of the support structures available.

WomanInWhite

Seraphina wrote: »

well actually, thats quite possible. like many conditions, it really depends on the person and severity.

secondly, you are really pushing it to be considering abortion at this late a stage. i am pro choice and all, but at 20 weeks the heart is beating a long time, and its pretty well formed.

personally, i think adoption is a much better option, though unfortunately in that case the child would probably end up in care homes for the rest of its life, and never be legally adopted, as most people would be unlikely to choose an unhealthy baby. though again, this does depend on the individual case and severity of symptoms.

I think to say that it is "quite possible" that a child with downs syndrome may be wheelchair bound is very misleading to the OP. I don not believe this to be the case. Of the sixteen children I know with downs, none are in a wheelchair.

seahorse

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

This is the sort of thing that tears families apart.

Not in my experience; as far as I've seen this is the sort of thing that binds families together.

Susannahmia

Op heres a few you tube links on down syndrome that I find really uplifting, it might give you some perspective.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_-P4t2jR1g&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tTBSUPM_3U

ronbyrne2005

I think the OP knows what she wants to do and is looking for support for her descision. Career seems very important in descision as is clearly stated in the post. She is looking for plusses and minuses, but this is not a business decision where a clinical analysis can be done. I don't buy the "it's a blessing" line but Im sure this baby would bring significant joy and hapiness to your life. Yes it will be more difficult than a "normal " baby but not that much harder. I respect your descision as it's your body and your baby and if you feel you can't love an "abnormal" baby then maybe "termination" is best option for you

starlight07

WomanInWhite wrote: »

Hi OP.

It must have been a great shock to find out that your child has downs syndrome. I don't want to comment on the issue of abortion here but I would like to tell you about my little nephew who has downs syndrome.

My sister didn't know until he was born that her baby had downs syndrome. It was devastating news. I was so upset for her, totally shocked. However, while I felt bad for her because I feared that she faced multiple difficulties with her little boy in the future, we all quickly came to realise that there was in fact nothing wrong with this baby per se, it was society's attitude that conferred a label on him which bore no resembelance to the reality of who he actually was.

He is different, but not that different, and certainly in no negative way. People would say,for example, "oh, he'll always be happy and loving, he won't feel hurt or upset", which is completely wrong. He has full comprehension of the world around him, knows when people are making fun of him, being kind to him, being mean etc. and responds accordingly.

He is loving and sweet, but he is also cheeky, naughty and bold. He'll come in and give you a big hug and two minutes later he'll be putting the cat in the washing machine.

Society constructs this idea of an imperfect, "retarded", inferior person while in reality people with downs do state exams, go to college, get jobs, live full and happy lives just like everyone else.

I'm not saying that its easy, people are cruel and thoughtless and often just pig ignorant in the things they will say. But in actuality, he is a really cool, friendly little chap with an amazing personality and participates fully in the world around him. He is a little boy who I adore just the same as all my nephews and nieces. In fact, when you take away the stereotypes, he is pretty much the same.

I don't presume to influence your decision, nor do I pretend to understand how you feel. Just when I saw the post I thought I would offer my experience of a kid with downs in case you might be interested to know. I wish you all the best.

That was a lovely post WomanInWhite.
I work in the care proffession and look after some women in their 30s who have downs syndrome and WomanInWhite is spot on. The women I care for lead very fufilling and independent lives. I can only wish you all the best with your decision, follow your heart and you cant go wrong.

corcaighcailin9

Snowdrop wrote: »

Gosh. Calm down and get off your high horse. I am entitled to my opinion and am only being realistic as far as I am concerned. As well as being a parent of a special needs child, I have a relative with Ds and she is not able for mainstream school. No point in pretending otherwise. I am sure there are exceptions but I stand by my comment.

Out of all the kids in your school how many are DS? not many I bet.

If you read my other posts you will see that I am not trying to be negative. Just offering realistic support.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you. I just feel very strongly about this as I know the issue of whether or not the child I teach was right for mainstream and also how long he will remain in mainstream was a big one for his parents. He just adds so much to our group is amazes me. My father and sister have both taught children with Down's Syndrome and have had similarly wonderful experiences and I thought that might be helpful to the OP to hear.

Redpunto

you need to do what you feel is right in your own heart. only you and your partner can decide.

On a side note, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy you will never regret it once you are holdin your baby but u will need to be strong to dealwith the difficulties you and your family will cross.

Rev Hellfire

seahorse wrote: »

Not in my experience; as far as I've seen this is the sort of thing that binds families together.

Alas I've seen quite the opposite.
Not everyone can cope with the issues that come with rising a severely disabled child (not saying theirs will be, but the possibility is there).
All I'm saying is don't dismiss emotional stress such a thing can have on you, your partner and your kids should you have any, some cope and some don't.

mikemac

I can't better the advice here but don't rush into anything. There are many reasons for abortion but this isn't a good one. There is good advice here and help from many agencies if you want it.

The fact that ye are "career people" isn't relevant

seahorse

That is true Rev Hel; yes, raising a disabled child is a stressor. I've witnessed that myself, but not as severe a stressor as you say in a DS child. Downs Syndrome is simply not a severely capacitating disability, at least not in the majority of cases.

Snowdrop

OP Please come back on and let us know how you are.

No matter what happens you will get through this.

WomanInWhite

seahorse wrote: »

That is true Rev Hel; yes, raising a disabled child is a stressor. I've witnessed that myself, but never in a DS child. Downs Syndrome is simply not a severely capacitating disability, at least not in the majority of cases

I agree completely. It is people's very presumption that a child who has downs syndrome will be more difficult to care for, will not be able to participate on equal terms in society, in education and will be more challenging in terms of caring for them generally, that creates a concept of the condition on which people base their opinions.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, I totally respect that. I personally believe strongly that the idea that downs syndrome children cause stress in and of themselves is incorrect. Nor do I believe that they are not suited to mainstream education. The saddest effect of presuming that these children cannot achieve in the same way as "normal" children is that they will be sold short and brought up accordingly and as such never have the opportunity to reach their full potential. I base this on first hand experience.

Rev Hellfire

I'd totally agree with you , most DS kids and adults can have quite functional lives. But even so the stress of dealing with them or more exactly the system can be very stressful, even with the mildly impaired.

Don't get me wrong I don't believe (as I stated before) its a valid reason to abort (imho), but for some care is the only way to cope.

Its worth acknowledging the difficulty that will be faced, its not going to be the universally wonderful life affirming experience some of the posters here would make it out to be.

Deediddums

Hi there,

My heart goes out to, this is obviously a terrifying decision to make. There's a book I really recommend you read, it's called "Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic" by Martha Beck. I read this many years ago and it really affected me, I also know a woman who was in a similar situation to yourself who found it extremely helpful.

From Amazon
Expecting Adam is an autobiographical tale of an academically oriented Harvard couple who conceive a baby with Down's syndrome and decide to carry him to term. Despite everything Martha Beck and her husband John know about themselves and their belief system, when Martha gets accidentally pregnant and the fetus is discovered to have Down's syndrome, the Becks find they cannot even consider abortion. The presence of the fetus that they each, privately, believe is a familiar being named Adam is too strong. As Martha's terribly difficult pregnancy progresses, odd coincidences and paranormal experiences begin to occur for both Martha and John, though for months they don't share them with each other. Martha's pregnancy and Adam (once born) become the catalyst for tremendous life changes for the Becks.

Focusing primarily on the pregnancy but floating back and forth between the present and recent and distant past, Martha Beck's well-written, down-to-earth, funny, heart-rending, and tender book transcends the cloying tone of much spiritual literature. Beck is trained as a methodical academician. Because of her step-by-step explanation of her own progress from doubt to belief, she feels like a reliable witness, and even the most skeptical readers may begin to doubt their senses. When she describes an out-of-body experience, we, too, feel ourselves transported to a pungent, noisy hawker center in Singapore. We, too, feel calming, invisible, supporting hands when she falls. Yet, whether or not readers believe in Beck's experiences is ultimately a moot point. There is no doubt that Adam--a boy who sees the world as a series of connections between people who love each other--is a tremendous gift to Beck, her family, and all who have the honor of knowing him.

WomanInWhite

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I'd totally agree with you , most DS kids and adults can have quite functional lives. But even so the stress of dealing with them or more exactly the system can be very stressful, even with the mildly impaired.

Don't get me wrong I don't believe (as I stated before) its a valid reason to abort (imho), but for some care is the only way to cope.

Its worth acknowledging the difficulty that will be faced, its not going to be the universally wonderful life affirming experience some of the posters here would make it out to be.

"quite functional lives"........."dealing with them"......... "impaired"

This is just what I mean, you could be describing anything from an hollywood extra terrestrial to a chimpanzee.

Impaired according to what standard? What do you mean by functional?

"universally wonderful life affirming experience" - it is no wonder that posters here feel the need to redress the balance and introduce some positivity into the equation. Nobody is denying the difficulties that will inevitably faced, arguably it is for this very reason that this discussion is happening at all.

I really don't mean to perpetuate the argument or cause offence. I just feel strongly about this.

bug

I wish you the best of everything and strength, whatever you decide.

Fusion251

WomanInWhite wrote: »

Hi OP.

It must have been a great shock to find out that your child has downs syndrome. I don't want to comment on the issue of abortion here but I would like to tell you about my little nephew who has downs syndrome.

My sister didn't know until he was born that her baby had downs syndrome. It was devastating news. I was so upset for her, totally shocked. However, while I felt bad for her because I feared that she faced multiple difficulties with her little boy in the future, we all quickly came to realise that there was in fact nothing wrong with this baby per se, it was society's attitude that conferred a label on him which bore no resembelance to the reality of who he actually was.

He is different, but not that different, and certainly in no negative way. People would say,for example, "oh, he'll always be happy and loving, he won't feel hurt or upset", which is completely wrong. He has full comprehension of the world around him, knows when people are making fun of him, being kind to him, being mean etc. and responds accordingly.

He is loving and sweet, but he is also cheeky, naughty and bold. He'll come in and give you a big hug and two minutes later he'll be putting the cat in the washing machine.

Society constructs this idea of an imperfect, "retarded", inferior person while in reality people with downs do state exams, go to college, get jobs, live full and happy lives just like everyone else.

I'm not saying that its easy, people are cruel and thoughtless and often just pig ignorant in the things they will say. But in actuality, he is a really cool, friendly little chap with an amazing personality and participates fully in the world around him. He is a little boy who I adore just the same as all my nephews and nieces. In fact, when you take away the stereotypes, he is pretty much the same.

I don't presume to influence your decision, nor do I pretend to understand how you feel. Just when I saw the post I thought I would offer my experience of a kid with downs in case you might be interested to know. I wish you all the best.

As I was reading through the previous posts I was shocked at how little is known about people who HAVE down syndrome. I work with adults who have a Intellectual Disability. Some of the people I work with HAVE down Syndrome, Whitewoman spoke from the heart when she spoke about her nephew.

The people I work with are that, PEOPLE, who have the same emotions, instincts, needs, wants, hopes and dreams as everyone else. It just takes people who have down syndrome a little longer to understand things. With Support they can live very full lives. Especailly the support that is available now. There is a considerable difference in my organisation with our younger client (18+) compared to our older clients (50+). Our younger clients are achieving so much more than what was ever expected. learning to live independantly, Jobs, relationships etc.


However, I empathise with the O/P. I dont think anyone would ever wish to have a child with a disability but it happens. I work with many different familys and for each family it has a huge effect on their lives, as the birth of any family member would have. It is very hard to rare a child who has any sort of disability becouse they do need that extra care and support.


It is not for me to comment or condone whether or not to have a abortion. I do not have any children myself, but I would emplore with the O/P to find out as much as you can about Downs Syndrome. Or visit organisations that work with people with a disability There is so much information out there now, and it may dispell any fears or myths one might have about this syndrome. Again I am not hear to judge but to offer my experience of working with adults who have Downs Syndrome.

best of luck in the future regardless of the decision who may make.

Toots

OP, I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I understand you are obviously worried, scared, and perhaps angry. My sister was born with Down Syndrome on 21 April 1991, and I can honsetly say her birth changed all of our lives for the better. Naturally, my parents were upset when they discovered she had Downs. Back then, there wasn't the option of finding out before she was born, so it was only a day or so after her birth that the doctors confirmed to my parents that she had Downs.

My Dad said it was such a mix of emotions, on the one hand they were delighted at her arrival, and of course they adored her from the second she was born, but on the other hand, they were upset, worried, scared, angry, take your pick. In your situation, OP, you have already found out, so will have time to come to terms with it before your baby is born. Myself and my younger sister were too young at the time to know exactly what Downs Syndrome meant, all we knew was that our sister was special and that she looked slightly different to other babies. My parents knew that raising her would be more challenging than raising a "normal" child, but they both agree that it is equally, if not more rewarding.

I know you say you are both "career people" but having a child, regardless of whether it has Down Syndrome, will obviously be a huge change in your life, and you may have to make some changes to your work/home life balance, but this would be the same if you had a "normal" baby. My mum was a stay-at-home mum, but my father has had an extremely successful career. Please don't think that just because your baby has Downs that you will both suddenly fall off the career ladder.

Ok, the cons are that your baby will require more care and attention than a "normal" baby, he/she may not develop mentally at the same rate as a "normal" baby, he/she will more than likely need more medical attention than a "normal" baby as children with Down Syndrome generally have a weaker immune system and can often suffer from Thyroid problems. But, you could also have a "normal" baby, who has health problems that might not be detectable while the baby is in the womb.

In my experience, I find children and adults with Down Syndrome to be some of the most amazing inspirational people I have ever met. My sister has changed all of our lives for the better, she is so loving, caring, intelligent and just all around brilliant! I can't imagine my life without her! She's brought us all closer together as a family, and none of us would have it any other way! My parents wouldn't change her for the world, she's the apple of their eye and has enriched all our lives beyond anything I could describe.

She's in Special Needs school at the minute, but I also know several people with Down Syndrome who went to mainstream school, it just depends on the child. There are lots of different supports in place for people with Down Syndrome too, from the medical side of things to the social side, things have come a long way from years and years ago.

OP, nobody is going to be able to make this decision for you. It is something you and your partner need to consider carefully because it is the biggest decision you will ever make. Please please please think very carefully about getting an abortion, once it's done it cannot be undone, and you may end up regretting it for the rest of your life. Personally, I really don't think this is a good reason to have an abortion at all, and as has been said, 20 weeks is quite a long way in to be having an abortion. You're halfway there now! If you really don't feel you could cope with having a child with special needs, would you consider adoption? I would strongly recommend you talk to a counsellor, who will be able to help you come to a decision.

At the end of the day, this baby is a life, he or she will love you unconditionally, they will change your life, make you laugh, make you cry, make you happy and make you mad just like any other child.

I hope you make the decision that's right for you, feel free to PM me if you want.

Good luck,

Cath xxx

vixie

I wouldnt envy you OP, and no one can judge you on whatever decision you make.

My 12 year old nephew has Downs Syndrome, and he was born to parents that were both in their very early 20's. It was a total shock and to a degree they did morn the loss of the child they thought they were going to have.

But pretty much straight away they adapted to his needs... not quite un-different to any other new born tho... other than taking smaller bottles I think (that didnt last long tho!!)

He is now a pre- teen that has all the attitude of all the young guys out there now, really into his fashion, his gelled hair and of course football. He unfortunately didnt get a chance to attend main stream school, but he is in a great special needs school with children that have many different abilities.

He has more engagements during the week than I have, he attends Speech and Drama, Art Classes, and Running Club (eventually will be hopefully running for Ireland in the Special Olympics!!)

One thing about children that are born with Down's is that they can and do almost everything that any child would do if they hadnt been born with Downs. It just takes them a little longer, and when they achieve each childhood milestone it makes the moment even more special.

My nephew is a well adjusted young man with divilment in his eyes but always has a kiss and a hug waiting.

The Downs Syndrome Association are very good and it would be worth speaking with them, also they can put you in touch with families that have children with Downs. I know my brother and sis in law have made lots of new friends and have spoke and visited lots of families that were expecting DS children or had just given birth to DS children.

Either way there is lots of support for you whatever decision you make.

Good luck

LegacyUser

You must ask yourself are you prepared to spend the next 40-50 years caring for the child? The cruel fact is it is unlikely that your child will find a partner and move out of the house to create a life of their own. You must be prepared for the fact that when you are old, you will have a child in their 30's or 40's who will rely on you. More importantly if you choose to have the child, will you partner stay with you or leave after a few years?

Its not like it was 50 years ago where the best they could hope for was a job packing bags in Crazy Prices, there are more opportunities available to both parent and child. I know of a girl with DS currently doing a four year course in Trinity, thats more than I ever accomplished.

I also know of a couple with a kid with some kind of autism, sure the kid looks 'normal' but heck she'll never lead a normal life. I know a similarly aged girl with ds and she is so pleasant, the only thing wrong with her is she is a couple of years behind mentally but she knows right from wrong, unlike the autistic girl.

Don't be put off having this kid, solely based on its appearance and what others will think or say behind your back. You have an opportunity to show the world that kids with down syndrome aren't retards. Push the kid to accomplish something great with its life. Google Chris Burke as an example.

Miss Fluff

I've worked with people who have Downs and echo the above sentiments of people above. By the same token this is your decision but if you are 20 weeks gone I don't need to remind you how quickly you need to come to a decision on this and I don't envy you, it won't be easy regardless.

Public perception will ALWAYS be tainted though. Just as an aside, I was in a taxi last week and the taxi driver had two pictures on his dashboard of an adorable 2-year old girl and I said "is that your daughter?" He said that it was and I commented on how gorgeous she was. He proceeded to tell me how proud he was of her and how he never realised he could have such love for another human being. He then said to me "You do know she is Downs Sydrome?" and I said that yes I had seen that when I admired her photo. He said that nobody had ever said that to him, nobody had ever commented on how cute she was etc etc, some of the comments he had received made my hair stand on end....anyway, he said she has been enrolled for a mainstream school etc. and endeavoured to give her as normal a life as possible.

Like I say, an aside OP. I really don't envy you and nobody will ever judge you for whichever route you decide to go down. Maybe talk to some experts and make as an informed decision as you possibly can, to reiterate, this is something you will need to do very soon. I wish you the very best and hope you find happiness with whichever road seems like the best decision. Massive hugs to you xx

Ishindar

Susannahmia wrote: »

Hey it's a horrible situation to be in and I feel for you, I cannot really give much advice but I can tell you my grans experience. She had 11 children and the 11th was down syndrome, Susie. I asked gran if she would have preferred that Susie had been normal and she said that she wouldn't have her any other way. Susie was the easiest most placid baby that she had ever had and was always grans pet. Granny had horrible post natal depression with all her children except for Susie, she bonded with her right away.

Susie is great and the most loving person in the world, she lives in a group home and loves it and is living an independent life with the aid of carers. I could not imagine a world without her. Many downs syndrome kids today can go to mainstream school and live their own lives (with a little help) when they are older. They are the funniest most loving children and never lose that in adulthood. My mam and her brothers and sisters often say that they envy Susie, she lives the happiest most stress-free life of all of them. They are all grey and wrinkled now while she has a full head of brown hair and not one wrinkle. Really she is as happy as Larry.:)

i think this puts it in perspective... wonderfull post!

Dudess

There have been some gorgeous posts on this thread - thankfully the vast majority of them have been, because if the comments/attitudes were more like the following, I'd probably be in tears:

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Not something I could deal with... Me & my girlfriend both said we'd go for a termination should this ever happen.

looptheloop wrote: »

I have just asked my partner here what he would do (we have a 1.5yr old) if at the scan we had been given that news. He said he would rather I terminate the pregnancy.

Those bring just two words to mind: Josef and Mengele.
I know it's what your boyfriend said looptheloop, not you. And I'm not directing my anger at the OP because at least she's torn, not dead set on getting rid of this "burden".

Special K wrote: »

Finally, at 20 weeks the baby is really well formed. It is quite late to get an abortion.
"20 weeks - The child can hear and recognize mother's voice. Though still small and fragile, the baby is growing rapidly and could possibly survive if born at this stage. Fingernails and fingerprints appear. Sex organs are visible. Using an ultrasound device, the doctor can tell if the child is a girl or a boy."

Yeah, it's worth bearing that in mind OP. I'm in favour of abortion under certain circumstances but not when the baby is practically fully formed.

Snowdrop wrote: »

I doubt very much that there are many DS children in mainstream schools.

I think that's a fair point to make - it's just observational, it's not stating that that's the way things should be. In the five years I attended my school which was about 900-strong, one pupil with Down's Syndrome attended. Some kids with Down's are able for the work in a mainstream school, some need to go to a special school.

WindSock

The happiest people I know have got Downs Syndrome. My friends sister has never been a burden on his family and she always greets me with a hug.

Notorious

Snowdrop wrote: »

I doubt very much that there are many DS children in mainstream schools. There are other options however.

My sister who is in junior infants has a little boy with downs syndrome in her class. She goes to a national school too. I think you'll find that your comment is slightly incorrect.

Dudess

That's one person. Snowdrop said (s)he doubted that many children with Down's go to mainstream schools. And (s)he is right, not slightly incorrect at all.

What's with all the exception being taken to what was a very fair comment?