Choosing Bridesmaids???

bomchikkawawa

I recently got engaged and have a dilemma over bridesmaids. I was bridesmaid at my friend's wedding last year but she is shortly moving to Australia. I (gently) told her that I would have liked for her to be bridesmaid but seeing as she is moving far away, it did not seem practical, as I need someone to help with dress shopping, planning etc. She was very upset, angry and offended by this. She will (hopefully) make it back for the day of the wedding. Is it bad etiquette to not "return the favour" if you have been bridesmaid for someone???? Equally, is there any point in asking someone to be bridesmaid if they will just turn up the day of the wedding to wear the dress but are unable to be involved in any plannning beforehand??Any thoughts/advice welcomed!!!!

Abi

bomchikkawawa wrote: »

Equally, is there any point in asking someone to be bridesmaid if they will just turn up the day of the wedding to wear the dress but are unable to be involved in any plannning beforehand??Any thoughts/advice welcomed!!!!

Hi, and congrats firstly You are quite traditional. (If you dont mind my saying). I was head bridesmaid last year and very little was expected of me. The bride herself was a fantasic organiser and bar holding her bouquet and helping with her dress, the rest had little to do with me.

You can have your bridesmaids be as involved as you want them to be, its your call. Im having my sister as my head girl, and she wont lift a finger because I dont want her to. I have it all in hand.

How many bridesmaids are you going to have? Tbh, if I was your friend I probably feel a bit put out too. No critisism intended, just my honest answer.

She doesnt have to be the head bridesmaid if you really need a bit of help. Try talking with her again, sound her out, and find ways in which she can be involved.

ChocolateOrange

I've been bridesmaid at two weddings and neither of those girls are going to be a bridesmaid at mine. I'm having a small wedding and only want one bridesmaid which is my sister cos she's fab! I've spoken to both girls who are fine with it - having three bridesmaids is just not me and they understand that completely.

daiixi

I don't think its bad etiquette although I think it's kinda rude that you expect your bridesmaid to help plan your wedding. Although you may have been expected to help plan theirs in which case I can understand that you might want them to return the favour. If you really want this girl to be your bridesmaid then you'd have her as your bridesmaid even though she'll only be there for the day. After all isn't that day the most important bit?

bomchikkawawa

Thanks a lot for the replies.
It's not just her not being there in the lead-up to the wedding that bothers me. There are other issues too:
a) She is recently married, and wants kids at some stage. It is possible that she might get pregnant and be unable to fly home for the wedding. Then we will either have to ask my fiancee's groomsman to step down or I will have to ask someone I'm not that close to to fill in for her.
b) How wiill it work with getting the bridesmaid dress? She is going to Oz in summer, I'm getting married in Autumn 09. She might be home at Christmas, and then for the wedding, so I would have to get the dress at Christmas, and get it fitted for her at Christmas and hope it still fits 9 months later.

I feel pressurised into asking her because she is pissed off. It will add an extra layer of hassle with sorting the bridesmaid dresses so early, and hoping everything will be right with the fit when she returns a week/few days before the wedding. I dont think I'm some sort of Bridezilla obsessed with "MY WEDDING", but equally i don't want to end up organising everything around a bridesmaid.

barbiegirl

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times once as chief for my sister. It is NOT bad manners to expect the bridesmaids to help, mine are all there mainly to offer opinions when asked and in the run up to the actual day to help with practicalities.
All you reasons for not asking your mate are genuine so don't worry about it. She will get over it, ask her to do something else like a reading or something. Two of the people who i was bridesmaid for aren't going to be mine.

Abi

She is recently married, and wants kids at some stage. It is possible that she might get pregnant and be unable to fly home for the wedding.

You should definitely not have to worry about this. If she has said this is her plan, I would happily say to her that she wouldnt feel comfortable just before/during/just after a pregnancy in a 'uniform' bridesmaid outfit. That could set her thinking in another direction. If it is your assumption, she might be willing to wait till afterward. You simply wont know until you speak to her.

Then we will either have to ask my fiancee's groomsman to step down or I will have to ask someone I'm not that close to to fill in for her.

Again, dont let yourself get that involved.

b) How wiill it work with getting the bridesmaid dress? She is going to Oz in summer, I'm getting married in Autumn 09.

If she insists on taking part, be it head bridesmaid or not, give her the name of the stockist, end of. It is not your responsibility.

She might be home at Christmas, and then for the wedding, so I would have to get the dress at Christmas, and get it fitted for her at Christmas and hope it still fits 9 months later.

Not your responsibility, if she feels so strongly about taking part in your bridesmaid team.

I feel pressurised into asking her because she is pissed off.

Id think about that a little. I know you feel stressed, but if shes a very good friend - be careful you arent losing sight.

It will add an extra layer of hassle with sorting the bridesmaid dresses so early, and hoping everything will be right with the fit when she returns a week/few days before the wedding.

You should worry about your own dress, not them! once they have been to your stockist, they know where to go if their weight changes, or a dress makers for altering.

I dont think I'm some sort of Bridezilla obsessed with "MY WEDDING", but equally i don't want to end up organising everything around a bridesmaid.

Sit down for a second and think about it. You will NOT enjoy the day if you are carrying that much responsibility. If you go on with this mind-set they wont have the hands to wipe their own árses on the day, and you will spend the day in the bathroom making sure their nappies are clean.

Ultimatum them all. You are in or your out. "Heres the dresses I would love you all in", and tell them to deal with their own alterations.

/leave.


None of the above is any kind of a lecture, but think about it. You are going to be a gush of emotions on your happy day. It goes by so fast, and the details get fuzzy.. You dont want to remember worrying about everyone and anything else! Release some pressure or you will be a nervous wreck. You wont get this day back, so dont let any little niggly bits get to you.

bomchikkawawa

Thanks for the comments guys. Seems from what ye say that if you get asked to be bridesmaid, you dont necessarily have to ask that person back, so thanks for clarifying that for me!
Abigayle.....thanks for the advice. As for the "responsibility", I know that if i ask someone else to be bridesmaid, I wont have to worry about their dresses/fittings/will they or wont they be there on the day, because all that will be cut out of it by the simple fact that they live in the country!

Has anyone had any experience of asking someone to be bridesmaid who lives that far away? How has it worked out?

NextSteps

You could always post or courier the dress to her and have her make the alterations. It isn't such a big deal.

Actually, I thought bridesmaids were meant to be unmarried? Or am I old-fashoined?

daiixi

bomchikkawawa wrote: »

Thanks a lot for the replies.
It's not just her not being there in the lead-up to the wedding that bothers me. There are other issues too:
a) She is recently married, and wants kids at some stage. It is possible that she might get pregnant and be unable to fly home for the wedding. Then we will either have to ask my fiancee's groomsman to step down or I will have to ask someone I'm not that close to to fill in for her.

You need to sit down and talk to her about this fear. It's not fair if she accepts (demands) to be bridesmaid then decides not to come to the wedding. Is she the flakey sort of type who is likely to not come?

b) How wiill it work with getting the bridesmaid dress? She is going to Oz in summer, I'm getting married in Autumn 09. She might be home at Christmas, and then for the wedding, so I would have to get the dress at Christmas, and get it fitted for her at Christmas and hope it still fits 9 months later.

I have a friend who just a bridesmaid in the UK. She had her fittings last summer and was paranoid she'd be too fat for her dress however it turns out it was a bit loose on her. Also I have a friend who was recently a bridesmaid in New Zealand. She went to a dress maker in Ireland who measured her, she sent the measurements to NZ and the dress maker there altered her dress and it was a perfect fit.

I feel pressurised into asking her because she is pissed off. It will add an extra layer of hassle with sorting the bridesmaid dresses so early, and hoping everything will be right with the fit when she returns a week/few days before the wedding. I dont think I'm some sort of Bridezilla obsessed with "MY WEDDING", but equally i don't want to end up organising everything around a bridesmaid.

I think it's terrible that she's pressuring you. It's your wedding you should pick whoever you want! I really think you need to have a chat to her about what you both expect and what you're both willing to do to make her being a bridesmaid work.

At the end of the day if she gets hugely insulted by not being asked to be bridesmaid then she's not that great a friend. But you should explain all your reasons to her.