coping with miscarraige (was Adrift)

LegacyUser

Does anyone know if there are support groups for people who have had a miscarriage?

I had a miscarriage a little over a month ago and am finding it incredibly difficult to deal with. I suspected in the back of my mind that I might be pregnant, but repressed it and so didn't really know that I was pregnant when I miscarried. It tore me apart down to the most vulnerable I have ever been and as a result there is pretty much no one that I can really talk to about it. Or even just be around socially!
Some people have told me it's too much of an emotional burden, most people have totally avoided me or ignored me, lots of people are afraid to talk to me in case they say the wrong thing or because anything they say might seem meaningless. I can understand these reactions, but understanding it doesn't help. To boot, all of my closest female friends are mothers to young children, being around them or talking to them is like torture. The worst has been those who have been there for me, have understood enough, had compassion enough and more than enough empathy but have suffered personally from that burden.
I want to be able to just be around people who know me and care about me. People that I feel comfortable and secure around. If talking about it happens then that's a plus. But either I can't or they can't.
I am completely torn with the effects of essentially becoming totally isolated at my most vulnerable. I don't deal well with isolation. Loneliness and social isolation has been one of my worst fears since childhood. The hurt and pain seem self perpetuating. It's causing me to feel stuck, like I can't move forward, like I have no life but sitting in my grief and loneliness. When I have to go out and about, be around people (people who don't know) I'm fine, when I'm interacting, socializing, busy and distracted I'm fine, it feels like I'm getting somewhere, recharging the batteries as it were. But it's not enough. I need some sort of support. Anything at this stage would be welcome.
If there are any support groups out there I think that might help. Maybe if I can get to a point where I am a little less emotionally raw it won't be so much of a drain or a burden on friends and family to be around me.

Any pointers to useful places, internet or RW would be very much appreciated.

RedXIV

Hey OP, first let say i'm deeply sorry for your loss. But i'd urge you to reclaim your life back. Social exclusion is hard to come back from but it can be done and the postive effects of having a social life are endless. This is a website with plenty of resources to hopefully help you and if i can in any way help you further, please feel free to PM me. If i can help i will

Website = http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/6461.asp

Loopy

You poor thing. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through and some many people have the attitude, Ah your young, you have loads of time etc..

I honestly don't know about support groups out there. My sister recently had a miscarriage and she just talks to anyone who will listen to her, I have had calls in the early hours from her in floods of tears and all I do is listen, cos there really isn't anything I can say to make it better. She talks to everyone about it because she know its the slow process that will enable her to get on with her life.

Yes you will no doubt go on to have another healthy child but its dealing with the loss of a potential life that's lost is so difficult..

Don't underestimate people, be selfish and do what you need to, to get through this - i.e talk to your friends with kids (I know its hard) and to family/work collegues.

Best of luck..

LegacyUser

I´m crying reading your post, it´s so close to my heart. I have no websites for you, or groups, but I can tell you that it IS a loss, it´s like a family member dying without a funeral, and with noone bothering to, or able to, acknowldege it. Maybe just give it time? I don´t know, I´m in your position too, but I hope time helps. Yeah, and just keep on going. I don´t think there´s a way to make it better sooner, sorry.

Karen_*

I've njust had a look for a couple of links you might find helpful.

http://www.vhi.ie/hfiles/hf-408.jsp

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

take care xx

LegacyUser

Thanks for the Link RedXIV.

Looptheloop:
One of the things that really make this difficult is that I have gynae problems and there were originally questions over how capable I would be to even conceive. Now there is only the question if I can carry a pregnancy to term or at least to a viable point where the baby might survive. On top of that, I'm not in a stable relationship and fast approaching the ticking clock and I know that I won't easily be able to have romantic relationships and sex after this is going to be a very tough hurdle to overcome psychologically and emotionally (the thought petrifies me atm) I really can't see it happening anytime soon. At times I think that this pregnancy was my one chance at becoming a mother. I hope that time will prove those thoughts wrong. But It's very hard not to think that right now, part of me is resigning to never becoming a mother.
I'm sure in time I will be able to be around my friends who are parents. But right now it's so very hard to be around anyone, let alone people who have kids.
The reactions that people have are so hard to deal with. I find it very hard to be selfish and open up when I know that people will empathize and feel bad or whatever. I feel that I am burdening them with my problems and many of the reactions I have gotten so far have seemed to prove that it's a burden that not many people can manage or want. People don't want to, or can't or are too unsure to talk to me, even socially! I had seriously thought about not telling anyone when I first found out. But I would have gone totally crazy.
I do need to be able to talk. But I know that I am a very intense person and that people find it difficult to talk to me or allow me to talk to them!

Victor

I'm sorry to hear this sad news.

Karen33 wrote: »

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

Agreed. A few years back, my sister lost here daughter, my god daughter at 15 months to cot death.

The Miscarriage Association of Ireland have a sister organisation The Irish Sudden Infant Death Association who were able to provide information and counselling which was very useful. MAI have a telephone support line at the numbers on the links below. Talk to them and see if you can set something up. Check how they handle things and perhaps bring along your partner or someone else who is close to the first meeting and then try to arrange something for the rest of the family and your friends. Having the information will empower the discussion and prevent people not making contact because they don't know what to say.

http://www.miscarriage.ie/Contact%20Us.html
http://www.miscarriage.ie/Temporary%20Phone%20Rota.html

akamossy

www.silentgrief.com , i have also had a miscarriage and these women on this site have helped me a tremendous amount, stay strong xx

Victor

Isolated grief wrote: »

At times I think that this pregnancy was my one chance at becoming a mother.

Our posts crossed - my sister's friend had a number of miscarriages, but went on to have four, err... lovely children. Don't write things off just yet. Take some time and then go talk to your doctor.

akamossy

So true, never write anything off, i think you will be a mother and a great one at that,just have faith. It mightn't have been your time just yet but it will come

Quality

Hey OP, Sorry to hear your sad news,

I also had a miscarriage, It was last year and at the time I didnt think I was going to get over the grief I was feeling.
I felt it very hard to talk to people, I could only really communicate with people who had gone through a miscarraige, Nobody else could understand how I felt and the "helpful" comments weren't helpfull at all. The last thing I wanted to hear was "your still young" and "It wasnt meant to be".

It was my baby that was gone.

All I can say is that time is a great healer. I literally spent 3 weeks in bed before returning to work. The next couple of months things got better day by day. I still think of my baby every day and thinking of the miscarraige itself is still traumatic.

If things are getting to you I would contact your gp. They can refer you to some counselling or support group. Talk to friends, especially those who know what your going through.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck for the future, Be strong.:)

LegacyUser

Quality:
I have talked to a couple of people who have had miscarriages, and to be honest, it's hit and miss as to how much I can relate even to others who have been through similar.
For example, many seem to be married or in long term relationships and were trying for a baby. I wasn't. The relationship ended shortly after I conceived and before anyone knew that I was pregnant. That in my head makes it hard to relate to a lot of women who have also had miscarriages. They have the opportunity to try again, have children already, have the loving support of a spouse or S.O. or have some sort of stability around them.

I know that time will heal in some way's. But that's no help right now. My baby is dead and I am petrified of forgetting about him. I have no memory's, no photographs, no familiar things to recall at birthday's or Christmas, no grave to lay flowers on, no anniversary. Only the ideas of what might have been. In my heart and in my head he was very real and still is. But I have no memory. That in itself is hard enough. It's been just over a month and my body still remembers and that hurts like hell.

I have hardly moved from my bed since. I have gone out a few times because I had to. I'm a mature student and sitting exam's at the moment so I have had to venture out into the world for that. I'm also job hunting at the moment so I have had to go out for that. Seeing pregnant women or parents with young children breaks me. I feel faint and want to throw up, or just break down and cry. I nearly have a panic attack when I see these things. It's like I need a mother baby filter put on the world.

To be honest, it's even difficult to relate to you, even though your words make sense, I notice your ticker banner and it makes my chest ache!

I just want to be able to talk normally with the people who care for me, are friends with me and who know me. I just want to not be alone with my pain and grief, not necessarily to share it. Everywhere I go, be it to professionals, support groups or wherever, I'm told talk to friends etc. That just isn't possible at the moment. I hope it will be soon though.

My problem is not one of not wanting to talk or be understood or have the right things said to me. I figure its too much to ask of people to understand, so I don't ask for or expect understanding. Right now, while it's so raw, there is no one to talk to!
I know that I have it in me to get through this, it's just 100 times harder doing it alone.

LegacyUser

Look up www.rollercoaster.ie and they have discussion board on pregnancy loss

akamossy

Isolated grief wrote: »

Quality:
I have talked to a couple of people who have had miscarriages, and to be honest, it's hit and miss as to how much I can relate even to others who have been through similar.
For example, many seem to be married or in long term relationships and were trying for a baby. I wasn't. The relationship ended shortly after I conceived and before anyone knew that I was pregnant. That in my head makes it hard to relate to a lot of women who have also had miscarriages. They have the opportunity to try again, have children already, have the loving support of a spouse or S.O. or have some sort of stability around them.

I know that time will heal in some way's. But that's no help right now. My baby is dead and I am petrified of forgetting about him. I have no memory's, no photographs, no familiar things to recall at birthday's or Christmas, no grave to lay flowers on, no anniversary. Only the ideas of what might have been. In my heart and in my head he was very real and still is. But I have no memory. That in itself is hard enough. It's been just over a month and my body still remembers and that hurts like hell.

I have hardly moved from my bed since. I have gone out a few times because I had to. I'm a mature student and sitting exam's at the moment so I have had to venture out into the world for that. I'm also job hunting at the moment so I have had to go out for that. Seeing pregnant women or parents with young children breaks me. I feel faint and want to throw up, or just break down and cry. I nearly have a panic attack when I see these things. It's like I need a mother baby filter put on the world.

To be honest, it's even difficult to relate to you, even though your words make sense, I notice your ticker banner and it makes my chest ache!

I just want to be able to talk normally with the people who care for me, are friends with me and who know me. I just want to not be alone with my pain and grief, not necessarily to share it. Everywhere I go, be it to professionals, support groups or wherever, I'm told talk to friends etc. That just isn't possible at the moment. I hope it will be soon though.

My problem is not one of not wanting to talk or be understood or have the right things said to me. I figure its too much to ask of people to understand, so I don't ask for or expect understanding. Right now, while it's so raw, there is no one to talk to!
I know that I have it in me to get through this, it's just 100 times harder doing it alone.

I wasn't planning to get pregnant either, it was a complete shock. I felt i wasn't ready but then when i lost my baby it felt like the worst feeling in the world. To make it worse me and my ex now had been on the rocks and had ended it before we found out i was pregnant, we didn't decide to get back together just because i was. I never was and still am not able to talk to my friends about it, i never felt comfortable doing as such because i didn't want their sympathy and they had no idea what i was going through. When i first had my miscarriage i was like you, not able to do anythin, barely able to get out of bed but i can tell you one thing, it gets better, it never goes away and nor should it but you learn a coping mechanism which agrees with you but let it happen in your own time, not according to anyone elses timeframe. Naming the baby helped me cope and heal the best i could and i pray for baby alex everyday and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of alex and what could have been but i've accepted that it wasn't meant to be and my baby is in good hands. If you ever need to talk you know i'm here. Hope your doing ok xx

Quality

Isolated grief wrote: »

My baby is dead and I am petrified of forgetting about him. I have no memory's, no photographs, no familiar things to recall at birthday's or Christmas, no grave to lay flowers on, no anniversary. Only the ideas of what might have been. In my heart and in my head he was very real and still is. But I have no memory. That in itself is hard enough. It's been just over a month and my body still remembers and that hurts like hell.

Believe me I can relate to the feelings and emotions you described above.
I planted a yellow rose in my garden in remembrance of my baby. I put a little cherub statue beside it.

Maybe doing something like this may help you a little..

A miscarraige is a huge loss, you walk out of that hospital with your dreams shattered, an empty feeling in your soul as well as your belly.

I hope things get better for you soon.

I do think you need to contact your gp and get him to refer you to someone who specialises in bereavement and loss. If you want to pm me feel free. I am not here to judge or to compare, but to listen to you if you need to get something off your chest.

Dudess

I've found that those of older generations seem to have a "that's life" view on miscarriage. "Shur we all had to bury babies" and the like. OP, if you're hearing comments like that, try not to feel hurt by them. Things were different 30+ years ago and it was just those women's way of dealing with things.

LegacyUser

akamossy and Quality, thank you for your courage and honesty in replying to my posts. It means a lot to me.

I found out that I would have had a little boy and I did decide to name him. I also planted a tree up in the Dublin mountains, not so much as a memorial, but just simply something concrete, something living rather than dead. Naming him helped a lot. It allowed me to start grieving properly.

Because it wasn't planned and wasn't in a stable situation (ie relationship, finances and housing would have been problems to overcome) I felt that I would have had to seriously considered termination. I know now that wouldn't have been an option, personally I wouldn't have been able to do that. But because it would have been discussed as a serious option between myself and the father I felt I didn't deserve to grieve. I know that was ridiculous, but that's how I felt in the few day's afterwards. I quickly realised that weather my body decided naturally or I chose consciously, I would have grieved him regardless.

I find it hard not to blame myself, that maybe there was something I could have done, stopped smoking, not gotten drunk, not allowed myself to get so stressed out or whatever, not done this or not done that. I know all of that is silly, but I'm not at the stage where I can accept that it just wasn't meant to be and I don't know if I will get there. I can't do that and don't want to because he was meant to be, he just wasn't meant to be around for long! That breaks my heart every time I think it. Especially when I know that both myself and the father, regardless of being friends or anything else, would have been damn good parents and given our everything to him. That is something that I need to hold onto at the moment. The things that I know for sure that would have shown how much he would have been loved and cared for and because those things would have been, even though he was never born, he is loved and thought of in those way's. Because he was never doted over, cuddles or held, I have this unbelievable thing stirring inside me that wants to do anything and everything to prove that he was wanted and loved. I guess it might be the infamous and clichéd maternal instinct. In way's I think that if I do certain things, say certain things, that he will hear and see that his mother loves him!

I am waiting to see a grief counsellor and have spoken to people. But sometimes I just need to let it out, especially because I have to cover it and hide it and brush it under the carpet in so many way's.

akamossy

I think you're being very brave really i do. It is very hard. But you'll be ok, it might take a while but you'll get there.

LegacyUser

I have spent the last day and a half reading many of the sites that have been recommended, even though I really should be studying for exams, I can't concentrate on things for very long.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who suggested websites. Especially to akamossy. The site silentgrief.org is truly wonderful. Many of the articles, although difficult to read, helped a lot. It brought me to tears many times but has also helped me to understand more of what is going on in me and around me and that most of the reactions that myself and those around me are having are not unique.

Yesterday both akamossy and Quality were talking about naming my baby. I had done that, but I had kept it to myself. The reasons why I kept it to myself weren't entirely my own and saying the name felt forbidden and dirty. I talked a lot of things out last night and feel a lot better for it. I have used his name in talking about him and that has made a big difference.

I know I haven't cried anywhere near the last tear for my son, but that's ok. If a mother can't cry for the death of her baby there is something wrong with the world!

To the forum moderators:
Some of the links provided in this thread are very valuable resources. None of them are listed in the stickies. Is it possible to have some of them listed?

akamossy

Isolated Grief wrote: »

I have spent the last day and a half reading many of the sites that have been recommended, even though I really should be studying for exams, I can't concentrate on things for very long.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who suggested websites. Especially to akamossy. The site silentgrief.org is truly wonderful. Many of the articles, although difficult to read, helped a lot. It brought me to tears many times but has also helped me to understand more of what is going on in me and around me and that most of the reactions that myself and those around me are having are not unique.

I myself am studying for exams too, i spend way too much time on this anyway im glad you found silentgrief helpful, the ladies there are great, hope to see you there sometime, take full use of the site, it really helps.

Quality

One step at a time, And good luck with the exams,

That goes to you too mossy!!

LegacyUser

I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot over the last few days and in particular reading a lot about how people affected by miscarriage other than the mother deal with things. Husband's / BF's / SO's, Friends and family etc.
It's something that I take a lot of time thinking about.

A lot of people take a lot of consideration as to how I am but I have no clue as to how others really feel about it from other perspectives and how to interact with them. It does seem to cause quite a lot of interpersonal awkwardness that is more trouble in such a stressful time than I know how to deal with at times.

Are there any guys out there who have experienced this? If so what did you find you needed, how did you cope with things or deal with what happened? Same for close friend's and family...