Rich V Poor = Happy V Sad

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'd really appreciate some advice on this matter as it's making me very upset and confused.

I've been seeing a really great guy for the past 6 months, we are both 28 years old. He treats me
really well and we're having alot of fun together. He's from a very wealthy part of the City and grew up
in affluent surroundings with a very close knit family. They have raost dinner together every Sunday
and himself and his Dad regularly enjoy pints down the local. Every summer since he was a kid his family
have gone on amzing holidays togetehr - Florida, Bermuda, St. Tropez etc and his folks paid for him to
spend a summer in Canada with his friends. He didn't even have to work. He is hard worker however and extremely
generous. He doesn't take his familys wealth for granted and has made his own money through working hard and
investing which I respect.

I on the otherhand was brought up in an okay part of the City, not too shabby but nothing special. My mam died a few
years ago due to abuse and my dad is a raging alcoholic. My childhood was filled with fights, abuse, money being drank away.
We never went on a holiday and sitting around having sunday roast as a family is foreign to me. I love the thought of it and am
so jealous of anyone who has a family unit like that. Anyway, I'm living at home at the moment while I'm waiting for my new
house to be refurnished. My bf lives in a lovely house with his friends. Being back at home is depressing the hell outta me for
many reasons. The house is filthy, there are mice and it's just disgusting. Being there makes me feel sad all the time.
The problem is, my bf is a very happy person becasue he has such a lovely life and always has. Last night I was sitting at home
in tears cause I had just sat down to my dinner when a mice ran by me and it freaked me out. My bf called me and was like
uurghh....me and the lads just did a big clean up so it's crisp, clean sheets for me tonight and a fresh smelling house. I hung
up on him.

I feel really selfish for begruding him all the wonderful things he has but I have to admit I'm starting to resent him. I hate myself for that.
I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone and it's great that he's had such a great existance but I find it hard to deal with all the same.
I feel inferior to him and embarrassed by my past. I also feel jealous of him and that's such a horrible feeling - to be jealous of the man I love.
It's awful and I feel like such a weapon but it's the truth.

Any advice on how to deal with this and not let my jealousy and feelings of inadequacy ruin my relationship. I feel unworthy of him or something.

Please help if you can relate.

Thanks.

Marksie

This is almost a classic scenario tbh.

The thing is has either your boyfriend or his family ever said anything to you that would make you think this is an issue?

If not, then you are aware that this is all down to your self view and self worth. That you believe you are not good enough because of your family circumstances.
The jealousy stems from this as well, seeing what could have been and resenting your b/friend for essentially being born somewhere different.

You cannot help the fact you were born into a dysfunctional family, nor your past history on that score.
You can however come to terms with the past and accept it. You can also be determined to alter the present and future. By getting out of the situation and taking measures to improve your life not easy, but probably essential if you want to stay in the realtionship

So you ahve to break the conditioning that tells you you are not worthy. He is in a realtionship with you because of who you are, who you are is not governed by the past, though may have been formed by it.
You need to reaffirm to yourself the following: You are better than you think you are and that you are greater than the sum of your parts

RedXIV

:eek: It's like my mam and dad!

My dad came from a pretty wealthy family, one of the first in their town to own things like cars, telephones etc while my mam came from a family that, in her own words, were "as common as muck". I remember asking my mam if she ever felt there was a different standard between the two and she said of course, my dad has had some incredible experiences, but then she started listing off the things he either never had done, or still couldn't do.

They are still together, 27 years happily married (thats what they tell me anyway ) and as far as they are concerned, once they are together, social standings are no longer an issue

biko

He seems old money - the rich that are so used to having money they don't really think about it at all. Usually very nice easy going people, as opposed to the nouveau riche.

Think on how good he can be for you, such a support and all round nice guy. As time passes I hope you'll get less bitter as you get more accustomed to him and his family.

You should share your feeling with some friend that you trust and that knows you both. Sometimes confiding in someone helps loads.

Soon you'll home out of home and not having to listen to your da any more.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

It's just little things like last Sunday he went for a big roast dinner with his family while I sat at home in a damp sitting room eating take away chips. I really don't wanna feel this way and Marksie I know it's down to my self view but it's difficult to feel worthy when your dad tells you your useless. His dad however says thing like..how about a round of golf and a box of cubans sunny-boy! It's just tough. I consider myself to be a strong person, especially after all I've been through but I'm being weak letting this affect me so much.

Beruthiel

Inferior wrote: »

I really don't wanna feel this way and Marksie I know it's down to my self view but it's difficult to feel worthy when your dad tells you your useless.

No offence, you're Da's a waste of space, how does his opinion on anything count? Why would you even give his opinion the time of day?
Yes, it is down to your self image and I understand where it came from.
But you're an adult now, look deep into why you think like this, understand it's because you've been told this all your life, and that it's NOT true.
Obviously, your b/f thinks you're great or he wouldn't be with you.
Realise that you are as good as every other person on this planet. Be proud of the fact that even though you had a difficult childhood, you've made it this far intact and have a lot going for you.

I know it's difficult to look at your b/f's family and not be jealous. Try to turn that around, be glad for him.

RedXIV

Also, OP, you have to realise, you're probably alot tougher than your bf thanks to your upbringing, imagine you two decide to stick together and get a house or something, requiring a sharp review of you're combined budget. You're ok, this is nothing new to you. He's gonna be like a lost lamb

My dad is as strong as an ox but my mam.....whoa, she's as tough as nails.

P.S. No offence, but your dad sounds like an idiot, ignore him

redfacedbear

The fact that you are at home again probably means that you are feeling your insecurities a lot more again.

The reality is it's not what your boyfriend has that is getting you down but what you don't have. There is nothing you can do to change the past you have had - all you can do is accept it and set about trying to make sure that any future family you make for yourself is better than the one you came from.

For a start you need to get out of where you are living - is there anybody else who can put you up until your own house is ready? Is your own house completely unfit for living or could you rough it for a bit? I think anything would be better than where you are at the moment.

LegacyUser

redfacedbear wrote: »

The fact that you are at home again probably means that you are feeling your insecurities a lot more again.

The reality is it's not what your boyfriend has that is getting you down but what you don't have. There is nothing you can do to change the past you have had - all you can do is accept it and set about trying to make sure that any future family you make for yourself is better than the one you came from.

For a start you need to get out of where you are living - is there anybody else who can put you up until your own house is ready? Is your own house completely unfit for living or could you rough it for a bit? I think anything would be better than where you are at the moment.

I agree completely. I think that's why I'm alittle annoyed at my bf at the moment too. He has a gorgeous house living with 3 of his mates and he hasn't even offered to let me stay there until my house is ready. We've only been together for 6 months but it wouldn't be like I'd be moving in, it'd only be for 2 weeks until my house is ready.

Your right though, before moving back home I hadn't thought about my past for ages and I was feeling happy and secure. the minute I moved back home though it all came flooding back. He was in the house for the first time last weekend, just for a second while I grabbed a few things. Afterwards he was like...oh my God, it's way worse then I thought, you can't live liek that, there are mice and everything! He still didn't offer an alternative though. I know I could ask but I don't think it should work like that.

MIN2511

I would use myself as an example; where I am from we classify old money and new money…. My family is old money and my ex bf’s family is new money we had a bit of an issue when we started dating especially as I didn’t know who his family/father was(he’s a big politician) and to me it didn’t matter. He wanted to know about my family, and personally I don’t think it matters where you are from and what your parents do it’s all about who you are now.
Your bf is privileged, good for him. He cares for you and knows where you are from; you really need to chill out. It’s unfortunate but not all fingers are equal and the earlier you stop these thoughts in your head the better for your relationship….
BTW, regardless of who your dad and the hardship your family have been through you should be proud of who you have become, and of what you have achieved! Your family lifestyle moulded you to who you are now which is a strong, independent(I hope) woman who has a lot going for her including a nice, hot(I guess ) bf

Marksie

Inferior wrote: »

difficult to feel worthy when your dad tells you your useless. .

Have you worked out that your dad is saying that because he is actually describing himself?
He is trying to make himself feel better by destroying you confidence and self esteem, in essence to prove to himself that he can control and is better than someone. And who is the only one he can do that to..why the only one who feels they cannot walk away because of blood ties.

YOU ARE better than that. Not only are you allowing your dad to ruin your self esteem, at some level its influencing your thinking and attitude.

If this was someone other than a close family member what would you do?

Velvet Vocals

I second everything that Marksie said. Also, you need to get out of that house as fast as you can. When is your house going to be ready? Do you have friends that you can stay with until then? or at least for some of the time, you're defenses will of course be weekend there because not only is the soundings depressing you but there are also bad memories and very bad energy I'm sure.
You have to be strong and hold on to the fact that you are worth so much more then that, your BF is with you because of who you are, not where you're from or what your family is like. Once you trust in that knowledge you'll gain more strength. As for jealousy (something I suffer from my self and I also hate it) the only thing you can do is every time you think something negative related to jealousy re-enforce it with a positive thought and soon enough the negative thoughts become less and less. Once you realise that you can not change your past but you can shape your future you'll be fine.
Lots and lots of positive energy to you!!!

Irishcrx

Hi OP,

I understand where your coming from, I grew up in a rough enough part of Dublin, family was split Mam was an alcholic, Dad was never around so I lived with my grandparents and then when they passed with mu aunty, never had money and was never really around it bit I got on. I think the way in which you come up builds your personality roughing it can make you stronger in the long run, I moved out when I was 18 as I never really felt at home and worked in Mcdonalds to pay for a single room in a house that was falling apart...wasn't easy.

Then thing's started to change, I got back in contact with my Dad who actually turned out to be a really nice bloke and we had alot in common I suddenly had 3 half brothers and one Sister and an extended family, now we do the Sunday dinner together, the Friday night poker and it's great, I also came into alot of money that I never knew existed until recently but I've never let it go to my head , Now I have a good paying job, career, a nice house to live in etc and plenty of money.

My point is, you will find your feet in life trust me, and the way you do it will be up to you. I've always found it best to rely on yourself and not what other people are doing, don't resent your bf be happy for him, were not all that lucky but that's the way some thing's are, when you have a family of your own you'll see how important these things are and be able to do them with your own children.

Drummerboy2

I know I will sound harsh but rather than moaning about the state of your fathers house, why not clean it up while you are waiting to move in to your house. Crisp sheets can be easily obtained. The mouse problem can be sorted. And I'm sure you could cook your father and yourself a nice roast dinner while you are at it. My advice is make the most of it, rather than begrudging somebody else's situation, which in fairness they deserve from their efforts.

LegacyUser

Drummerboy2 wrote: »

I know I will sound harsh but rather than moaning about the state of your fathers house, why not clean it up while you are waiting to move in to your house. Crisp sheets can be easily obtained. The mouse problem can be sorted. And I'm sure you could cook your father and yourself a nice roast dinner while you are at it. My advice is make the most of it, rather than begrudging somebody else's situation, which in fairness they deserve from their efforts.

There is no point in trying to clean up my dad's house. He is an alcoholic with very little self respect or regard for hygiene. I have cleaned up before but withing a matter of a day it's upsidedown again. He'll butter some bread and won't finish it, he'll just throw the crusts on the floor. Theer are chicken bones all over the floor, sour milk left out, cups that have been used as ashtrays everywhere, piss on the floor in the bathroom etc. As for the roast dinner...ha, not a chance I'd use that filthy oven or cook for him.
Also, i am doing what I can. i'm moving out in 2 weeks and I recognise that begrudging my bf is not right.

melon_collie

You should be glad to have such a great guy and potentially great in-laws. They don't care about your past or have never judged you, which can be rare these days.

All you can do is try to focus on your relationship. If you make each other happy then things will work out and eventually you'll have your own place together. Everything will be forgotten and you will make your own lives together.

I would say though, dont be too harsh on your dad. It's very easy for people on the outside to judge and there was a time when I would have judged him myself but I know better now. Your dad probably was brought up like that, and it's not his fault. Maybe he blames himself for your mothers death????

Whatever happens, never forget where you have come from but don't dwell too much on the past, if you know what I mean??

Sleepy

OP, what the feck are ya doing back there if staying in the house makes you feel so bad?

Get a hotel room / B&B for the next two weeks or whatever.

Personally, I'd break contact completely with your father and go enjoy your own life.

ChocolateSauce

I can only offer a few thoughts on something like this....

Firstly, don't feel inferior because of wealth or because of your past. You can't help how you were brought up. Think about the kind of person you are now, and about your future. Money doesn't make people superior, just luckier. What makes people superior is selflessness; making those around them happy. If he does these things, you can do them too, and without money.

If he knows how you feel, and he's not a greedy money-grubbing panderer, he's probably self-conscious about his affluence around you. If he loves you he'll not want money to harm your relationship.

In short, the only reason you should feel unworthy of him is if you have some serious moral failings, or if all you do in the relationship is take (in a non-monetary manner) without giving anything.

Velvet Vocals

could you even create a nice space in the house for yourself? what about your room. Make that nice and clean, with clean sheets and fresh flowers (girlie I know, but they make a world of difference to your mood) and just hide away in there.

Suzi D

Inferior wrote: »

I agree completely. I think that's why I'm alittle annoyed at my bf at the moment too. He has a gorgeous house living with 3 of his mates and he hasn't even offered to let me stay there until my house is ready. We've only been together for 6 months but it wouldn't be like I'd be moving in, it'd only be for 2 weeks until my house is ready.

Ask him.Explain how you feel or the socio-economic gap between you will widen.It's important to remember that anger at people for not 'offering' help when you need it is really silly.As humiliating as it feels you have to ask or they don't know you need it.