this has to stop

LegacyUser

i have been going out with my gfrnd for nearly 3years but she is so jealous about other girls its ridiculous. any female friends i have she questions me about them. there is 1 girl i work with who is so nice and bubbly but my friendship is being ruined by my gfrnd's jealousy. The girl really likes my gfrnd and the girl is admittingly pretty but would def not be gfrnd material . The girl and i get on so well and she acts like 1 of the guys at times, always up for a laugh and a bit of slaggin. I was out last weekend with cupl da lads and the girl told me 2 txt her to c if she was out dat nite. i did and she sed she wud meet us in the club, we had a great laugh with me and the crowd, purely innocent. Talked to my gfrnd the next day and she asked who went out, i told her who and she got so pissed off with me about it and sed i probably went back to hers for sum drinks...she was so moody and anything like this is the same responses. i have talked to her about and sometimes she admits she is just paranoid and loves me so much.
This has to stop, i have been going out with my gfrnd for nearly 3years as well.

Advice? Previous experiences?

Marksie

Well, i found it very hard to concentrate due to the amount of textspeak in it for starters. Made the whole thing somehwat confusing to piece together

Perhaps you could ask your girlfriend why she is so paranoid? It is her issue to deal with, but smacks of jealousy as she sees the girl in a role that pehaps your girlfriend feels is hers

humanji

Has your GF had problems with guys she previously went out with? The only real thing you can do is to try and reassure her that she can trust you. And since trust is a major part of any relationship, if she continues like this, it's just going to drive you both apart.

RedXIV

Best friend of mine had a relationship like this, 3 years of the girl accusing him of cheating, flirting and wanting other women. The poor chap hadn't touched another girl in the whole relationship. He spent the last 6 months trying to reason with her and get her to stop but eventually gave up on her.

Probably not what you wanted to hear but thats my only experience of it

blackheartfairy

explain to her how you feel in every way

if its not sorted things will jus get worse and you will jus tear apart

Pub07

Tell her to shup up or f*ck off. Tell you're not having anymore of her unreasonable behaviour as you just can't stick it. I had to listen to that kind of crap off one of my exs, never again, the day after a night out it was like being interrogated ffs.

Velvet Vocals

Marksie wrote: »

Well, i found it very hard to concentrate due to the amount of textspeak in it for starters. Made the whole thing somehwat confusing to piece together

You're just gettin old Marksie... text speak is what the cool kidz are doin these days:rolleyes:


OP, as a person who used to be a bit like this with my ex (no where near as bad but I was jealous of his female friends) you have to know that it comes from her own insecurities. She feels that she might loose you and it's a defense. You have to talk to her about this and actually explain it to her in very clear terms. She will loose you with this behavior far quicker then she would to any other girl. Tell her you trust her completely (assuming you do) and she needs to return that and build from there.

smellybiker

I have to admit that i was exactly like your girlfriend in my previous relationship. my ex was a very friendly bloke and everyone liked him - especially the women - but in an innocent way. i still accused him of cheating - and at times when i knew he most definitely didn't cheat - i accused him of wanting to cheat!! the poor guy couldn't win!

my reason for such stupid idiotic behaviour was that i was very insecure. i was insecure in myself and i was also insecure in our relationship. i couldn't believe someone could love me as much as he did and so it was easier for me to think that our relationship would come to an end eventually.

i at the time didn't realise that i was in fact driving him further away. looking back on it now, i would have loved if he made me more secure in our relationship - all i would have needed was a little reassurance that he was staying around.

take your gal out for the day and give her this reassurance. ask her to talk about her true feelings - she's insecure and perhaps has low self esteem - if you boost this with assurances that you love her - she'll realise that she's onto a good thing. also explain to her that her behaviour is pushing you away!!

best of luck, hope this helps

Wibbs

smellybiker wrote: »

my reason for such stupid idiotic behaviour was that i was very insecure. i was insecure in myself and i was also insecure in our relationship. i couldn't believe someone could love me as much as he did and so it was easier for me to think that our relationship would come to an end eventually.

Seems to be the main if not the only reason for this kind of jealousy alright. You've hit the nail on the head. You have an idea of yourself that will either tend to make attractive those that will conform to that idea and cheat, drive them away if they don't, or if you do believe them then in a weird way you lose the attraction for them as they must be daft to like you that much(the last one I've seen quite a few times).

i at the time didn't realise that i was in fact driving him further away.

Sometimes it also drives people into somebody elses arms to boot, although there's no excuse for that.

looking back on it now, i would have loved if he made me more secure in our relationship - all i would have needed was a little reassurance that he was staying around.

Ah theres the rub, no matter what he did, it wouldn't have worked as he would never do enough, or do too much. A very hard needle to thread for a guy who is with a woman who is more insecure than most. I've been that soldier. The infuriating things was the more I either ignored their insecurities completely or at least didn't pander to them(I didn't rub their face s in it either mind) the less grief I got, but that's a crap place to be in a relationship.

take your gal out for the day and give her this reassurance. ask her to talk about her true feelings - she's insecure and perhaps has low self esteem - if you boost this with assurances that you love her - she'll realise that she's onto a good thing. also explain to her that her behaviour is pushing you away!!

While the reassurances are vital, in my humble the latter bit about driving you away may have as much effect. Then again she expects you to walk away on some level so maybe not. As I say a hard needle to thread.

smellybiker

yeah wibbs you too hit the nail on the head - it's an awful position for a person to be in - when they can nothing wrong! but i still think that he should at least try even if for one last time!

the big thing is that if he gets her to be honest about the way she feels - if she admits out loud of her insecurities - then i really think that this is major progress and on the right path to improving things!!

Suzi D

Get out of there.Been there,done that, got the tshirt and it's a miserable existence.Went through a period of dating neanderthals (that's what I ascribe unreasonable jealousy/possesiveness to when it occurs in the male of the species) and never again!

smellybiker

i think it's a bit premature to just walk away from what you have, hang in there - have the chat with her and see what progresses from that!

Dellboy2007

I hear you brother! In the same boat. I'm with my gf nearlly 3 years as well. Lately i just hang up the phone on her and tell her i'm not having it anymore. She texts a while later saying how she's sorry and she loves me bla bla bla! and me being the donkey just say alright forget about it so (and give me a bj!!joke).

But seriously though, you've been with her for 3 years, how long has this been happening? If it's happened before and she constantly does it, give her gate! This is a bit of a mad question but here goes, Is she smart? By this I mean would she have the capacity to look at herself and realise that she is insecure or whatever? If not you should send her to get professional help, ie. a counsellor.

Listen to what others have said as well like Wibbs and smellybiker.

cian11

I am the OP of this thread..

Her last boyfriend cheated on her, she has always been a bit paranoid. She has lost a few important friends over the last couple of years and she has told me she couldn't survive without me.
I do treat her extremely well, constantly buying her stuff and spending time with her and she tells me a lot that i am the prerfect boyfriend...and i have sat her down to talk about and she sez she will change but it never happens...i do love her tho..but even when we are out in a club i feel like i have to stare at the floor

leninbenjamin

cian11 wrote: »

and i have sat her down to talk about and she sez she will change but it never happens...

well that's that then. she's in a place she can only get herself our of. what you have to decide is whether you want to stay with her long enough to sort herself out (if she ever does).

Gummy Panda

Jesus! your girlfriend reminds me of me years ago and I'm a guy. I kinda did that to a girl i loved. Wibbs and Smellybiker pretty much explained all.

I say your girlfriend is probably imagining sceanrios were she finds out your cheat or are in the acting of cheating, and how she'll respond. She probably expects you to cheat on her and that your relationship was just one big joke.

For me it was kinda like someone saying one thing to you, but at the back of your mind something was nagging you saying its not true. Insecurity and a defense mechanism kicking in.

Tbh, I don't know how you deal with it. Mine kind of just went but by that stage we had lose interest in each other and our attraction was gone. I guess my issues was age and immaturity for a relationship of that intensity. Looking back I was pretty emo as a teenage lol.

I think the best thing to do would be to help her to love herself. That doesn't mean telling her you love her every 5 mintues.

seahorse

smellybiker wrote: »

take your gal out for the day and give her this reassurance. ask her to talk about her true feelings - she's insecure and perhaps has low self esteem - if you boost this with assurances that you love her - she'll realise that she's onto a good thing. also explain to her that her behaviour is pushing you away!!

+ 1

Yes I think this is the way to go OP. She obviously needs a lot of reassurance and I think you should give it to her. There are limits though; if she keeps it up you should tell her you are not prepared to allow her make your life hell with her insecurities.

jcoote

thats a really slippery slope your on there OP.

i think that she should try thinkin before she reacts if

shes jealous she should try to identify why because your clearly not trying to rip her off or anything.

Hopefully it works out for u anyway cos there is nothing worse than breakin up over somethin trivial,well somethnig that should be trivial

smellybiker

Gummy Panda wrote: »

I think the best thing to do would be to help her to love herself. That doesn't mean telling her you love her every 5 mintues.

+1

it's a bloody difficult job to help someone love themselves as much as you love them - that's what they have professional counsellors for afterall. however, i really think it can be done if you have staying power and determination for the relationship to work.

look at yourself and what you want firstly, if you want this girl in your life - not just for now but for always then do all you can to is constant reassurance. it'll be very wearing for your own mental state but if you want her in your life - then you'll fight to keep her!! just keep reminding yourself why you fell in love with her in the beginning!

Sugar Drunk

after reading your post I wondered why is that girl allowed go out with you and your boy mates and your girlfriend wasnt? if thats the case i wouldnt blame her being pissed off. she probably also suspicious of this other girl wanting to be your friend she may think she has alterior motives (does she? is she single does she hang with other guys too?)

im not overly jealous but if another girl, especially a single one was getting all pally with my boyfriend and expecting him to text her when hes out and im not to meet up id not be too impressed.

as i always say its not my OH i wouldnt trust its the other girls out there seen far to many schemeing girls use the whole 'oh we are just friends' thing to get to another girls man.

if your girlfriends been cheated on before its totally understandable that shes a bit patanoid the past can be hard to let go of

smellybiker

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

after reading your post I wondered why is that girl allowed go out with you and your boy mates and your girlfriend wasnt? if thats the case i wouldnt blame her being pissed off. she probably also suspicious of this other girl wanting to be your friend she may think she has alterior motives (does she? is she single does she hang with other guys too?)

im not overly jealous but if another girl, especially a single one was getting all pally with my boyfriend and expecting him to text her when hes out and im not to meet up id not be too impressed.

as i always say its not my OH i wouldnt trust its the other girls out there seen far to many schemeing girls use the whole 'oh we are just friends' thing to get to another girls man.

if your girlfriends been cheated on before its totally understandable that shes a bit patanoid the past can be hard to let go of

i do think that your girlfriend has enough of reason to be a little paranoid and jealous - us women are not machines - we are very sensitive you know. however, to help the situation, maybe find a tiny bit of distance between yourself and this work girl - i ain't suggesting you avoid her but maybe not smack her existance in your already over - jealous and paranoid girlfriend's face!!!

heavyheart

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

as i always say its not my OH i wouldnt trust its the other girls out there seen far to many schemeing girls use the whole 'oh we are just friends' thing to get to another girls man.

+1
Girls can be ruthless with no conscience !

do you love it?

im not gonna lie.
i do that a good bit.
i give the same reason too.
i dunno why i do it, i just love my bf!!!!

cian11

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

after reading your post I wondered why is that girl allowed go out with you and your boy mates and your girlfriend wasnt? if thats the case i wouldnt blame her being pissed off. she probably also suspicious of this other girl wanting to be your friend she may think she has alterior motives (does she? is she single does she hang with other guys too?)

im not overly jealous but if another girl, especially a single one was getting all pally with my boyfriend and expecting him to text her when hes out and im not to meet up id not be too impressed.

as i always say its not my OH i wouldnt trust its the other girls out there seen far to many schemeing girls use the whole 'oh we are just friends' thing to get to another girls man.

if your girlfriends been cheated on before its totally understandable that shes a bit patanoid the past can be hard to let go of

Are u serious? We are going out for 3 years, surely there should be a bit of trust now! ad my girlfriend couldn't go out that night, its not like i banned her from going out, i never do. The girl is single but she hangs out with a lot of guys and she likes 2 other guys in work and she doesn't like me, i would have found out from others now, plus the girl and my girlfriend get on well when they meet up and the girl would not be such a bitch to try and get with me when im already out with someone. My girlfriend is going out with her college friends tonight, guys included and im not bothered coz i trust her and i have been cheated on by previous girlfriends. Jaysus girls not all guys think with their d*ick so give some of us a chance!