Anyone got a paddle?

LegacyUser

I am in big trouble, I admitted to my girl I kissed another girl, to add to the mess we have both been feeling lousy about our relationship over the past while. She asked for 3 days space to get her head together.It always ends up being a case of when the shi% hits the fan THEN you realize what you have!

I am a loser. Sitting around trying to get over the reality. She will probably dump me on Thursday. I have been reading loads of threads about 'space' and 'break ups' and from what I gather 90% of breaks lead to break ups.

I wrote her a letter but it probably is a waste of time. She said she wants to make things work but needs a short few days break. I would like to believe that this is the truth but I have a strong feeling she is letting me down gently. The problem is, I went out, a girl flirted with me and after I drank too many whiskeys BANG I mess everything up.

Here is what she wrote in her text:
'I want to make things work too, but can we just have our couple of days, just to get a clear head and make a fresh start then xxx'

I replied
'You can have as long as you need'

She replies
xx

Am I doomed guys and gals?

redfacedbear

PUMA987 wrote: »

Am I doomed guys and gals?

It's hard to say.

You've f***ed up big time and now you'll have to deal with the consequences whatever they may be.

If she decides to let you go then there is not a lot you can do. She'd be well within her rights.

If you can persuade her to give you another chance you have to be prepared for some serious arse-kissing, honesty, recrimination and all sorts of stuff being thrown at you.

It will take time to rebuild the relationship and you both will have to work hard to make it work.

RedXIV

I could be wrong but from the texts, you're not screwed just yet. You def messed up big time with the other girl and now you're fighting an uphill battle. this is your second chance in a relationship. make sure it counts

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice and support. I woke up today feeling like I may as well pack her things up just in case ! What a bad feeling. I will be hoping that she lets me start a fresh and yes I certainly will have a huge amount of work to do if I get her approval to start a fresh.

Colonel_McCoy

From those texts it does not seem its curtains yet..............it all dpeends who she talks to about in the meantimes, friends family etc.

If you stay together, give up the whiskey and cherish the time you have with her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to write,

Yeah maybe its time to grow up and stop the messing about, I am on MSN messenger and we can both see each-others status but I am giving her the space she needs and haven't yet made any effort to contact her. I am writing all sorts of crazy notes and letters to hopefully come up with a good perspective.

Velvet Vocals

I'd have to say that it does sound like she might be letting you down gently. I'm sure she still cares for you and she's probably a bit confused. but I'd prepare for the worst.
sorry!!

IamBeowulf

Why did you tell her? Sure, what you did was wrong. But the fact that you realise it was wrong is key. Telling her, I think, was brave but completely unnecessary.

As for the texts, I think she really does want a bit of space just to clear her head. I bet she'll come back in no time. And yes, whiskey is baaaaad news.:)

LegacyUser

Velvet vocals,

Thanks for the honest input. Perhaps she is confused and seriously contemplating breaking up. The thing is that we have both been a pillar of strength to one another and I am very proud of that fact.

Her friends deserted her last year and even though I went through doubts about our relationship at that time I would never of dreamed of breaking off the relationship and leaving her with know one.

The fact is that all of a sudden her friends come dancing back into her life (the last month) and as soon as the going gets really tough in our relationship, she is considering her options with regards to leaving me.

Regardless of our ups and downs I am the one who feels fairy used. I think that she is contemplating a break up or a long term break which I would not be interested in. I am not going to live my life like this every day, wondering when she rings will she say 'I love you' and 'lets give this another try'.

Life is too short but on the other hand I am a fighter and I want to fight for this relationship. The one good thing about our relationship is we have never so much as shouted or argued in the last 2 years.

I am 27 and she is turning 24, when we met she was 21. I always had a feeling that she was too young for a serious relationship but she always has been happy up until the last 2/3 months. So out of 30 months she has had lets say a bad 3 months, thats not enough of an excuse to run away. I am so piss£d off. Why did we bother I just do not know??

LegacyUser

IamBeowulf wrote: »

Why did you tell her? Sure, what you did was wrong. But the fact that you realise it was wrong is key. Telling her, I think, was brave but completely unnecessary.

As for the texts, I think she really does want a bit of space just to clear her head. I bet she'll come back in no time. And yes, whiskey is baaaaad news.:)

I told her because she got wind of something fishy in the air, when she confronted me about it I said yes I kissed that girl, just once on the lips, and she is 100% aware of how drunk I was, as it was my 27th birthday party and she brought me home in a bad state.

My friends and I were sharing drinks all night and buying rounds for me. I met this girl at a previous party and she told me she was interested. At the party she put her hand on my knee and I told her if anything was going to happen it would be best done when I was single and she respected me for that. As I left the room like a drunk Casanova I gave her a quick kiss .

passive

I had a similar situation a long while back, though didn't *quite* kiss the other girl.. Was just affectionate enough to warrant telling the girlfriend. It was kinda touch and go and there were a few days in which I wasn't sure what was going to happen.

I wrote a letter then and I'd say you should probably give her the one you've written. Make it clear how much you don't want to lose her, how sorry you are and how it was just a once off... Then hope for the best and be ready for a second shot at it.

(oh, and my thing worked out, stayed together, carried on happily for another year or so..)

ChocolateSauce

I have to say, you both sound very insecure. It was a bloody kiss. It isn't like you emotionally bonded with this girl, it isn't like you emotionally CHEATED. You didn't even have sex. If she's willing to throw away your relationship over a kiss, you'll never last, because something bigger will come up eventually and then you're screwed.

Suzi D

Sounds to me as if you are in with a chance of getting her back, which is more than you deserve you eejit!When she's back don't mess up again!

She sounds lovely.

LegacyUser

Thanks all,

I am sorry I am using Puma as an alias but I am already a member of Boards in the sound department and I really don't want anyone in business to know my business.

The thing is that she and I have been having doubts over the past while so this just adds fuel to the fire. We are going out 2.5 years and 90% of that has been the good times, the last 3 months has been the bad 10%. Just as the bad times get a bit hairy suddenly her friends who have been AWOL for the last year jump back into her life and show her how great life is. I feel overshadowed BIGTIME. Where were her friends when she was crying into my shoulder wondering if she had any friends at all? And don't get me wrong, her friends are really cool and I like hanging out with them, no problems there.

sharkie2008

uma987 wrote: »

I told her if anything was going to happen it would be best done when I was single and she respected me for that. As I left the room like a drunk Casanova I gave her a quick kiss .

when you are single? doesn't sound to me like you expected the relationship to last

Puddleduck

Hi OP,

Reading your posts it sounds like you dont want it to last, drunk or not you dont go kissing people if your with someone else

You say you feel used, and mention how you were there when her friends deserted her, that my friend is a realationship, she dosent owe you anything for that. She may leave you, youve broken her trust, you only owned up to kissing her after your girlfriend came to you when she suspected something, again thats going to affect her trusting you from now on and believe me thats hard to recover from.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the reply,

Well we all doubt things from time to time, and drunk as a skunk or not yes I was doubting my relationship, yes we have to work at it but I would rather give it a try than just jump ship when the relationship gets too hot to handle. I wont eject from the 2.5 years just because I have my doubts for the last while.

Jigsaw

OP, I think your girlfriend is being completely unreasonable and totally overreacting.

You got pissed and drunkenly kissed ONE girl ONCE.

Of course she is quite right to be annoyed but some perspective is needed. The punishment must fit the crime. It would be different if you had shagged the girl, kissed whilst stone cold sober or had been seeing someone over a period of time, but a drunken kiss that you even had the honesty to voluntarily confess to?

I think you should not be pussywhipped here. Go and tell her that you are sorry and that you regret what you did but that you now want to move on as it was minor incident. If she starts acting up then I suggest seizing the initiative. She may be expecting grovelling from you but instead you could just says, "balls to it if you can't get some perspective".

mormank

PUMA987 wrote: »

Velvet vocals,

Thanks for the honest input. Perhaps she is confused and seriously contemplating breaking up. The thing is that we have both been a pillar of strength to one another and I am very proud of that fact.

Her friends deserted her last year and even though I went through doubts about our relationship at that time I would never of dreamed of breaking off the relationship and leaving her with know one.

The fact is that all of a sudden her friends come dancing back into her life (the last month) and as soon as the going gets really tough in our relationship, she is considering her options with regards to leaving me.

Regardless of our ups and downs I am the one who feels fairy used. I think that she is contemplating a break up or a long term break which I would not be interested in. I am not going to live my life like this every day, wondering when she rings will she say 'I love you' and 'lets give this another try'.

Life is too short but on the other hand I am a fighter and I want to fight for this relationship. The one good thing about our relationship is we have never so much as shouted or argued in the last 2 years.

I am 27 and she is turning 24, when we met she was 21. I always had a feeling that she was too young for a serious relationship but she always has been happy up until the last 2/3 months. So out of 30 months she has had lets say a bad 3 months, thats not enough of an excuse to run away. I am so piss£d off. Why did we bother I just do not know??

this is a tough one dude. im sorry but im of the opinion that being drunk is no excuse for one's actions. however, you are not dead in the water yet my friend. not even close. relationships like your one do not end like this. even if she does break up with you im convinced that she will too see what she has in the coming weeks or months and get back in touch with you....you im afraid have to be patient. and when (not if imo) you get your chance with her again, simply remember how you felt today whenever you start thinkin that you are not happy or ur eyes start wandering...
geoff

aidan24326

Suzi D wrote: »

Sounds to me as if you are in with a chance of getting her back, which is more than you deserve you eejit!When she's back don't mess up again!

More than he deserves? Christ he briefly kissed a girl on the lips while drunk as a skunk on whiskey, get some perspective. Not saying what he did was right, he should obviously lay off the whiskey (and shouldn't we all) but in the list of crimes this is about as minor as it gets. She's entitled to be a bit pissed off for sure, but if she was to dump him over something as small as this it would be clearly just using it as a convenient excuse to get out.
OP, yes 'breaks' are very often codeword for 'breakup', but the text messages sounded encouraging. Apologise (and mean it!) and assure her that something like this won't happen again, and you'll avoid drinks that clearly don't suit you. Make it up to her, do something really nice for her to show you're sorry, but like jigsaw said I wouldn't let her milk 6 months worth of pussywhipping divaness out of this either.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input and yes I agree if she is going to break up over a kiss that would be so stupid that I wouldn't entertain her, however the fact that she is talking about feeling 'too young' for commitment? Well how come she has committed the last 2.5 years into the relationship?

I am wondering is there more to this than meets the eye but I have to take what she says at face value and show respect and trust . I will show her some love and embarrass the face off her by sending roses into her work place. She said please don't do that a while back but come on, why would any girl not like to receive roses?

If when we meet on Thursday she continues to say she is too young for the commitment well then I am screwed but at least I will know for sure she is not the one. She said 'space' in fairness to her not 'break'. From what I have read a 'break' is slightly worse.

If someone in a relationship kisses someone else and does not tell their other half, what does it say of their relationship?

The OP did the right thing in telling her. It wouldn't have been right for him not to and it proves, to me at least, that he wants to make it work and that he is sorry for it.

Overheal

id just like to add that in the last year i've ignored reaps of experience and advice that told me writing letters and stuff like that - in this kind of situation - has the opposite desired effect 99% of the time. I've put that theory to the test before and.. trust me.

If you need to write go ahead; but don't show her any of that. For whatever reason it just adds more strain on things. Regardless of how desperate the situation becomes, they will only hurt things more.

LegacyUser

Yes I had a feeling I was acting in haste! Well I am only two days away from Thursday and sure its going to probably land on its face. If my girlfriend thinks that commitment is too much then thats her belief and I cant argue with that. Suppose break ups are always un expected and thats life. For the time being I will wait to see what she has to say about things and take it from there. Its her loss at the end of the day, I will lose her but she will also lose me .Just hope she looks at the big picture and realizes that we are pals as-well as everything else and that breaking up with me will be losing two things.

LegacyUser

1. I would like to say a BIG thanks to everyone who posted their advice, everyone was unbelievably helpful.

2. The good news is that me and my girl are happy again and we are going to make a fresh start together by picnic on Sat.

3. The better news is that you are all very special people and remember that.

Yours sincerely,

DN

Jabcity

Was in the same situation myself with my bf of 3 years except i was the cheating scum, same story, too much drink, bitta flirtin one thing lead to another yadda yadda yadda.

I tried to put it at the back of my mind, didnt wana tell the bf cos it wud hurt him n it meant nothin anyway, didnt see any benefit! I thought the guilt of it wud be enough torture, and it was.
But anyway he finds out somewhere else, and I tell him the whole story.

He did the same thing, went off for a few days, wouldnt talk to me at all despite constant calls, txts, voicemails, emails, everything! I love him to bits and he wouldnt even look at me for about a week, and Id to walk by him everyday in school!

In the end we talked about it, and really it was all down to wether we wanted to end our relationship because of the stupidest of mistakes.
Im glad to say we're still together. Basically the two of u will hav to decide if wot u have is really worth endin over this?

LegacyUser

Well check this out for the definition of the word 'raw deal'


I posted earlier in this thread that I was worried my girlfriend wanted to break up. I also posted that she decided to give things another try! Well on Saturday we went to Glendalough on Co Wicklow for a picnic and boy the scenery and wildlife was amazing. We sat down and had a beautiful picnic which I prepared and then walked down to the second river and took some photos. It was lovely, I took photos of her on a funny tree smiling and fishing. Then we went back to Dublin where I brought her out to a restaurant and we had a really nice meal. We then went and rented a brilliant movie and slept together like to bugs in a rug. I woke up this morning feeling a sense of fulfillment and went home to relax for a while and do a few business things....

She called me and needed some advice setting up her computer during the day and I helped her fix those issues which seemed very normal but later tonight this happened.

I called up to her to go to the shops and get some things and dropped her home, something very strange was up with her and I asked her whats up? are you ok with things?

So we went inside and she told me that she wanted to break up and although she had a lovely day yesterday she felt un easy today. I said to her ' lets give this some time and see what happens, what do you want me to do just leave, walk out the door'

Out of knowhere she told me to 'Fuc& off' ... She has never talked to me like that in 2.5 years. Her house mate came in and so we finished the conversation upstairs where I was told lots of new info:

1. She sees us as friends
2. She wants to be free
3. The feelings she has wont go away!

Like after treating her to a day like that and if you seen the photos you would think she is as happy as ever! To be dumped the next day!

I cant believe her she is acting like a child

So 2.5 years down the drain all because things went sour for 3 months out of 30 months, well I am a lucky we broke up now before it got any worse, I taught we were mates!

What do you think of this? I am shocked and obviously a bit heart broken, like that is a real nasty way to get dumped ?

LegacyUser

I was given a similar shock a few months back mate, and well, it is probably the best thing that can happen to you. I would suggest that you cut all contact with her, everything from phone and email to meeting up to "talk", for at least three or four weeks. It sounds to me like she has gotten too "confortable" in the relationship, and needs a wake up call. So take your time out man, let her do all the running and fretting, and arrange to talk to her in four or five weeks if you want her back that is.